Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure...

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

"Feelings are everywhere - be gentle."

There’s a line in the Meg Ryan/Kevin Kline movie “French Kiss” where Meg’s character “Kate” is on a bit of a tear and says, “Happy - smile. Sad - frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion.” Kate, you see, has no problem expressing her emotions and expects everyone else to be able to do the same. I, however, am not Kate. (And I’m not that other Kate either. The one with the wackadoodle hair and the 9 gabillion kids.)

I’m not the most demonstrative person in the world. I’m not a real touchy-feely kinda gal. I’m not sure why that is exactly. It’s not that I don’t have emotions; I just don’t really throw them out there a lot (except to complain about stuff). Or when and if I do, one of two things happens – it’s a crazy eruption like some psychotic episode or I am made to feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the things I am feeling. If I’m sad, someone’s always telling me to cheer up. If I’m angry, they try to calm me down. If I’m happy, sometimes I’m made to feel silly for being so happy or excited about something. It’s much easier to just not express those emotions and keep them to myself and for myself.

I can’t say that it’s something instilled in me from childhood; I’m not inclined to be someone who blames all their adult problems and issues on their parents. I had awesome parents. But somewhere along the line I just lost the ability to cut loose.

Case in point, the Michael Bublé concert I attended a few weeks back. If you’d seen me you might never have realized how much fun I was having because I mostly sat in my seat, listening and not singing along and clapping politely at the end. Before the show I was bouncing around a bit and I might have sung along once or twice, but to the outside viewer, I probably was not having a good time, when in reality I was loving every minute of it. As I expressed – ad nauseum – on Facebook (I do much better with the written word it seems.)

Now, at the Bon Jovi show I attended back in April, I was much livelier. I always dance and sing and have a grand old time, but I gotta be honest – I feel really strange when I do that. As if someone is going to be watching me and wondering why I’m so happy. Yeah, I know. In an arena with 10,000 or more screaming people no one is paying attention to little old me, but it feels that way.

I don’t dance in public. The last time I actually danced in public was 1992 after the USC homecoming game and I’d had 6 screwdrivers in a 1 ½ hour time period and the world was still spinning around hours later. (But I did have a grand old time!) The last time I think I cried in public was at my mother’s funeral 10 years ago. I love a lot of people, but I seldom say so. That’s just a whole other level of discomfort for me.

A lot of this makes no sense even to me. I do so many things that scream, “Hey world! Look at meeeeeee!!!” and then when the world does look at me, I want to run and hide behind my mother’s skirts like I did as a shy little girl. Yeah. I know. It makes no sense.

I wonder about it all sometimes. Wonder if I will ever be someone who can just freely express emotions without worrying if someone is watching and judging me. Part of me believes that even with my closest friends, they still simply will not understand me and where I am coming from. Sometimes you just want to be able to say what you are thinking and feeling without someone else trying to solve your problems or tell you everything’s I ok when you know that it’s not. Or without someone jumping in with “Oh that happens to me all the time and it’s 900 times more interesting than what you just said!” Or without someone judging your feelings as if it’s ok to do that. Because it’s not. My feelings and emotions are just that – MINE. And yours are yours. So long as you are not homicidal I think it’s ok to feel what you are feeling and to acknowledge it. But usually I’m just told that it’s not ok, even in less-than-direct terminology.

Sometimes you just want to be able to express what you are feeling and have that be enough. Maybe that’s all I really want – I just want to be enough.

The Song Remains the Same

I reclaimed a song today on my drive in to work. I know that sounds strange (as do many, many things that I say and do), but it's true.  There is a song that I really like, but it reminds me of a boy I knew *coughdatedbrieflycough* in high school.  And while high school is 20+ years ago (when the heck did that happen?!?) every time I hear the song I am reminded of That Boy.  Oh, there are other things that remind me of That Boy, but the song is at the top of the list. 

I actually got over most negative memories associated with That Boy years ago.  And when I see The Man that That Boy has become, part of me does still want to smack him upside the head for his overall stupidity as a teenage boy, but really, why bother?  The mere fact that the last time he saw me - and I know he saw me - he retreated to a far, dark corner is satisfaction enough.  :o)

But back to the song.  Listening to it this morning I thought to myself, "Self, don't let negative memories taint this song! It's a great song!" So I reclaimed it. I banished That Boy from having anything but a fleeting association with That Song.  And I was so happy about it that I hit the "back" button on my iPod 2 more times so I could keep listening to it as I finished the last few miles to the office.  Smiling the entire way.

A Very Touchy Subject

I have recently deduced that I don’t really like to be touched. I haven’t always acknowledged that, but I’m doing so now. Not because people are running around trying to touch me (get any and all minds out of the gutter immediately if that sent you there for some reason), but because it came to mind today as I was making my way-too-early-in-the-frakking-morning trek to work.

Oddly enough, I do consider myself a hugger. Or at least, I don’t mind hugging people. I hug friends I haven’t seen in a long time when we get together. I reciprocate hugs when given to me and, as far as I know, I don’t try to dodge hugs. Although on a couple of occasions I have had people come to my house for a party and walk in and hug me and mentally scratched my head thinking, “Oh, are we ‘hugging friends’ now?” But less its Death coming to get me in a grip, I’m pretty ok with hugging. I especially appreciate hugging my nieces who gives the best hugs ever! They are the coolest people I know.

But, well, I don’t really like to be touched.

Maybe it’s because it doesn’t make much sense to me when someone walks up and talks to you and feels the need to reach out and touch you on the hand or the arm. Especially when it is someone I don’t know very well or in a context, like a work situation, that really makes no sense to be making that contact.

I’m also big on personal space. I always think of the scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze is telling Jennifer Grey to stay in her dance space. I just want people to stay in their personal space and not get into mind. Unless it’s David Bryan. Or Michael Buble. They can totally get into my personal space any time they want to.

I don’t ever like to have my chair pulled up too close to someone else’s. I want a little breathing room. I also don’t like sharing an arm rest with another person. Exceptions being, of course, David Bryan, Michael Buble and a few other assorted names that readily come to mind. But mostly I figure if there is space to be had, then why not spread out a little more and make good use of it.

This need for space also extends to keeping at least one stall between me and someone else in the restroom and at least a full arm length away from anyone you are engaging in casual conversation.

So, yeah, I don’t really like to be touched. I know. I’m a freak. But I’m ok with that. So long as you aren’t touching me when you call me one.

There’s someone out there for everyone! And all that other horse hockey...

“There’s someone out there for everyone!”

“Oh, you just haven’t met the right guy yet, but you will!”

“I used to say the same thing and then 2 days later I met my husband.”

Stop.  Just…STOP!!

Seriously.  I can’t take it anymore.  I wish death and dismemberment on the next person who utters that kind of nonsense to me.  Bless their hearts.  *rolling my eyes*

I’m not sure why our culture feels the need to perpetuate the myth that there is someone out there for everyone because there’s not.  There is no guarantee that out there in the world is your perfect (or imperfect) romantic match.  There simply isn’t.  And to be honest, at 38-years-old and chronically single, I’m sick and tired of hearing the BS.

I realize that the speakers of that claptrap have good intentions.  They are simply trying to make me (or whoever) feel better and have some hope, but it really has the opposite effect.  It’s damned depressing.  As is listening to or watching lovebirds fawn all over each other or a bride-to-bed discussing the proposal or well, I could go on, but I won’t because someone will get offended that I feel that way and then I’ll get angry and it’ll snowball from there.

Suffice it to say that for me, at least, I am tired of people spouting nonsense that someday some guy is going to come into my life and it’ll be all hearts and flowers from there.  Because you know what?  No matter how many times you say that to me, I’m well past the point of being willing to believe it.  And that’s ok.

Years ago – and many pounds ago, for that matter – I believed it.  I did.  My generation of little girls was still brought up with the notion that one day Prince Charming was going to ride up on his white horse and whisk us away to the magic castle where we’d live happily ever after (HEA) and life would always be happy, happy, happy!  Well, ok, so that’s a bit much, but I believed that one day I’d meet a great guy, fall madly in love, and blah blah blah. 

But I grew up and realized that fairy tales are simply that and not reality.  That doesn’t mean I don’t believe that people fall in love and have the potential to live HEA. It just means that I don’t believe in it for me.  And that’s ok.  I’ve cried a few rivers over it and moved on. 

But it’s also at this point that all the clichés become extra annoying.  Honestly, HONESTLY, do you really believe there is someone out there in the world for me?  Seriously?  Because I don’t.  But the difference is that I don’t think that it is part of God’s plan for my life for me to meet someone. I think God’s plan for me is to be single.

I’m not saying I like that plan necessarily, but for the most part I’ve come to terms with it.  Sometimes it hurts. It can hurt a lot.  But at other times it’s very freeing.  I consider it a blessing that I have never wanted to have a child because I’ve watched friends who are single and desperately want to be mothers or even married women who have trouble conceiving and it’s just not happening for them.   I consider myself fortunate that I’m not in those situations.

Now, there are those that would say that I simply don’t have enough faith in what God can do and that’s not true.  I never said that God COULD NOT bring a man into my life. I’m saying that I think God CHOOSES NOT to do so. I can’t say why that is; it simply is. 

God can do anything my friends.  Anything at all.  But sometimes He chooses not to give us the things we want. He gives us the things we need.  Whoa baby. Big difference there you know.

If you give it some thought you will see what I mean and what a blessing that “not getting” can be in your life.  Ok, so maybe I don’t know why God hasn’t hooked me up with some front row seats to a Bon Jovi show, but maybe it’s because He knows I’d make an ass out of myself screaming over David Bryan and security would have to pull me away and there would be restraining orders involved and it’d just get uglier from there.  Or maybe it’s because that would only reinforce my Bon Jovi obsession and goodness knows it’s bad enough as it is.

But on a more serious note, I have to trust that God knows what He’s doing because He does.  I’ve prayed for years to have someone in my life. Just one man. I don’t need 15 boyfriends or 3 husbands (one at a time, mind you) or anything like that. Just one decent guy who is interested in me and i'ts mutual (I’ve had more than my share of the non-mutual from both sides). It seems like a small enough order, but God has never come through for me. Never hooked a girl up.  I don’t know why (and refuse to psychoanalyze myself and my character flaws), but that’s just the way it is.

Which brings this ramble back around to the topic of needs versus wants.  I find that in life we seem to focus so much more on what we want than what we need and that happens when we pray as well.  I often pray about something and even while doing it I realize that I’m only thinking about what I want.  Fortunately, God thinks about what we need.  And that’s what He gives us.  It’s not always what we want and we might not always like it, but it’s hard to argue with the decisions that God makes. 

Now, that doesn’t mean I understand a lot of those decisions, but I’ve stopped arguing with them. I don’t understand and never will why my mother had to get sick and suffer and die from breast cancer.  She was a good person, who never hurt anyone, but while I believe God heard our prayers; His will was different than our wants.  I stopped questioning it because there were no answers to be found.

The same with my friend Andrea who died last year (also from breast cancer).  I don’t know why God allowed it to happen, but if I stopped and put too much into asking why, I’d never get out of bed in the morning.  So I take a lot on faith and trust in God that He knows what He’s doing.  Because He does.

So at the end of the day I cannot say that I always appreciate my singleness.  It’s annoying at times.  It can also make me very, very sad and lonely.  I don’t want to think about being alone as I get older, I want someone to share my life with. 

At the other end of the spectrum, it’s freeing that I can come and go as I please and don’t have to answer to anyone except me and God.  If I have ice cream for dinner, I can have it.  If I want to spend my money on something, I can do it. 

In the end all I know for sure is that I do trust in God that He knows what He is doing.  That He is ultimately giving me what I need, if not what I (think) I want.  And hopefully through a lot of prayer I’ll come to even better terms with my singleness.  And not actually dismember the next person who throws a lovely platitude in my face.  Because they mean well. Bless their hearts.

An Evening with Michael Buble on his Crazy Love tour

I've been a Michael Buble fan for several years now.  Probably about 7 or 8.  I don't even remember when I first saw him, but it was on some television program and I was hooked. I remember later that year (1993 I believe) on Thanksgiving Day he was on The Today Show and I called my dad to tune in because Buble sings the standards and I knew that my dad would like his voice and his songs.

Unfortunately over the years I haven't been able to go see him in concert.  That is, until this past Saturday.

Trapped in the Body of a Fat Girl

I am trapped in the body of a fat girl.  I really want to finish that statement by saying that I’m a skinny girl who is trapped in the body of a fat one, but that’s not true. I’m a fat girl trapped in the body of a fat girl with a fat girl’s mind and behavior. It’s an ugly, unfortunate truth, but truth it is.

Food is the center of my universe. If I’m not eating, then I’m thinking about when I’ll eat next or what I’ll eat. I’m dreaming of what delightful culinary concoction is coming from my next meal. And it’s always about the next meal.

If I were a chef then this round-the-clock food fest might make sense. To have my mind so focused on food all the time would make sense to me then. But it doesn’t. I just want food around me all the time. I want tons of options and as much as I want, whenever I want it.

I have, more or less, always been overweight. I remember being weighed back in 3rd grade and the nurse saying I was 82 pounds. I also remember other kids laughing at me because of that. Fast forward to 5th grade where my former friend Melissa called me a whale one day. I responded that it was better to be a whale than a skeleton. Kids are so sweet to each other, aren’t they? I could list a few more things, but I’ll spare myself from having to remember it.

Sometime during high school I did drop down to my lowest “adult” weight of 120-125. I don’t really have any photos from then, but there are a couple of pictures and to my eyes, I look strange. Like my head is too big for my body or neck. I would speculate that anything from 150 – 175 would be a good, healthy weight for me, but I’m quite a few pounds over that 175 limit these days. That makes me sad, but it also makes me want to eat chocolate.

My Fat Girl Brain (FGB) just wants to eat. If I’m happy, let’s eat! If I’m sad, let’s eat! And after we’re done, let’s eat!! I’ve always been a huge water drinker so when someone says, “drink more water – it’ll curb your appetite” I just want to laugh out loud. It might for some people, but not for me. I could easily down a gallon of water a day without thinking twice about it. When people say they struggle to get in 8 glasses, I’m baffled. Truly. And no, I’m not diabetic. Doctors seem to freak when I tell them how much water I drink and a few have insisted of checking to see if I am diabetic, but I’m not. Nor do I have a thyroid problem or high blood pressure or hypertension or a B12 deficiency or anything else that the docs have tested me for. I’m just fat.

Actually, “obese” would probably be the correct terminology according to the charts, but to me obese people are the ones who have to be airlifted with a crane out of their house. I can work with “fat” thanks just the same.

But the FGB gets me into trouble. The spirit is willing you see, but the flesh and the FGB are quite horribly weak. I get angry when I can’t have what I want. I get angry that I can’t have what I want. I resent that other people can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. And don’t even get me started on people who complain that they can’t gain weight. Oh man, I can’t even go there with that one. That is just so not a problem that someone should complain about unless they truly have an eating disorder or some serious health problem that requires them to put on a few pounds.

My FGB is just a really dangerous thing. I have been known to eat cups full of bacon. CUPS FULL OF BACON. At work when the residents have a baked potato bar for lunch and there are leftovers, I will eat a cup full of bacon. I love bacon so much that I don’t even care if I feel lousy later on. I smell it and I have to have it.

I sneak food and eat in secret. I’ve been known to stand over leftover cake in the kitchen at work and just cut off little piece after little piece and shovel it in before someone comes through and sees what I’m doing.

I’ll eat even when I’m not hungry. Case in point – yesterday’s plate (though small) of chips and queso from a great Mexican restaurant that was left over from a lunch at work. I was stuffed from the lunch I had just eaten, but still wanted the chips and queso. It’s not just a lack of willpower, it’s an obsession.

I haven’t quite self-diagnosed with food addiction or anything just yet, but I’m just one Google search away from that probably. (Whatever did we do without the internet and the ability to diagnose ourselves with 7 different kinds of deadly diseases in a 5 minute time period?)

So while I wish I could say that I was a skinny girl trapped inside a fat girl’s body, the reality is that I am a fat girl. I think like one. I act like one. I certainly look like one. Even when I am working out daily (ok, so maybe only 4-5 times a week and not a solid 7 times every single week…) and eating well (meaning more fruits and veggies as opposed to that cup of bacon or secret cake binges), nothing seems to change. Oh, my body changes in some ways that are positive, but…well… not enough I guess.

I’m not writing all this down looking for any solutions or advice. I know what’s wrong. I know the ways to combat it, to fix it, to heal it. I’m well aware I assure you. I’m just putting this out there because maybe someone else needs to see it and know that they are not alone.

I had a realization while driving to work in Columbia one day last week. I have some of my best realizations and thoughts on that drive, even when listening to Van Halen or Bon Jovi and potentially ear-splitting volume. Hey, you never know when inspiration will strike!

But I had thoughts running amuck in my old noggin’ and one of them just seemed so simple. If it was a snake it’d have bit me! I was thinking about prayer and that age old question of why God answers some prayers and not others. I pray about a lot of things daily, but I admit I feel guilty about some of my prayers. Guilty because they seem so small and trivial and I should be praying about bigger things. Praying for others and not myself so much. Thinking about the bigger picture of life instead of just wanting my tires to last a few more months or something like that.

As I thought about all of this, I was focusing in one specific thing I prayed about a few months back. It was, on the surface, a very small thing. Just something that was driving me crazy and seemed silly to pray about, but I wasn’t sure what else to do at that point. I’d tried a lot of things on my own and even just trying for acceptance wasn’t working. (Any of this sound familiar?)

But this teeny, tiny, trivial thing I prayed about and asked God to deal with, He did. He dealt with it and it’s not an issue for me anymore.

Thinking about all of that reminded me that just because something seems small and insignificant it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pray about it. You definitely should!! If it means enough to you that it sticks in your brain and in your craw (what the heck is a craw anyway?? I know what a crow is…), then you should pray about it. And with those thoughts, it reminded me that if God listens and is willing to answer our prayers about the seemingly silliest thing, why on earth would we doubt that He is listening to our bigger prayers and why would be doubt that He is working on things and going to answer our prayers???

Yeah. Such a totally simple and elementary revelation, but it took a while for me to remember that. So now when I’m driving every day, that thought pops into my head (I start each day’s drive to Columbia with some prayer time) and I remind myself that God is working in my life (and yours!). We just don’t always realize it and for that big stuff, well, it might take Him a little while longer than we’d like.

Bon Jovi Charlotte concert recaplet

I should start this entry by saying I did not feel well on Thursday and that carried over into Thursday  night.  So while I wanted to be rocking out to my boys, singing and dancing and screaming my head off, it was a challenge to get into the groove. Unfortunately. I still enjoyed the concert a great deal - no shock there - but I wish I had felt good and been super-excited like I was 4 years ago during the Have a Nice Day tour.

That said, I was excited to have floor seats, but not so much once the show started.  There was an Amazon standing a bit in my way, so it was hard to see sometimes. I could watch the vid screens, but I was spoiled those times in 2006 when we were on the side of the stage and could really see EVERYTHING that was going on.  The plus, however, is that I basically could see David Bryan the entire time and as anyone who knows me knows, he's the one I've come to see.  I listen to Jon and ogle Dave.  That's my forte, actually.  ;o) I won't go after floor seats again and in the future will actually try to get side stage seats whenever possible. I just like them more.

 Not bad seats BEFORE everyone stands up...

Ooh! It's Dave!  And Jon and Richie.  And Bobby Bandiera.  But mostly it's Dave!

Overall it was a good show.  They always trot out Bad Name, Bad Medicine, Wanted, and Prayer. I think the audience would revolt if they didn't.  But having heard 'em live for many years, I'd be fine without them.  Prayer was the final song and the entire place went nuts.  The whole audience was finally engaged.

Engagement was a problem, in my opinion, for the audience that night.  It was like they wanted the hits and songs they knew, but if it was something they did not know - like the new record - then people all around me would sit down.  SIT DOWN.  AT A ROCK CONCERT. That's so, so wrong.

 I was able to take this shot because people were SITTING DOWN!  Looney tunes.

I realize I take it personally when the audience doesn't know the new songs and that's just a quirk of mine. If I'm paying the price for a ticket these days then I'm going to sing along.  We sat next to a mom who was my age with her teenage daughter (maybe 14?) and they had never been to a Jovi show before, so I know for the newbies in the audience it's important to get the hits like Bad Name, etc.  That mom was probably waiting for the past 20 years for that stuff.

 It's Dave on the big screen!!

It was still a bummer to see a lack of enthusiasm from the crowd during I'll Sleep When I'm Dead and Captain Crash. I love those songs and even if I did not, they are GREAT live songs.  I had no interest in Captain Crash till I heard it live in 2002.  And ISWID is just made to be played live.  So I sang and danced and clapped and everyone around me was SITTING DOWN.  That sound you hear was a knife going into my heart.  *sigh*  But hey, I love it even if others did not!  I had not expected to hear either of those songs so...BONUS!

The big surprise for me was Jon and Richie doing Diamond Ring.  Even if I did not get my Only Lonely, I got some oldies and some great songs. Another bonus!  It was also nice to have Richie doing something other than I'll Be There for You, which he did on the HAND tour. 

Richie, however, was looking his age.  He just looked kinda rough.  And I was very glad he was not taking his shirt off.  I love my Richie, but I'm guessing all that time before rehab was not kind to him.  Of course, I think my beloved Dave looked fab. Did you expect anything else from me?  LOL  There just weren't enough big screen close ups for me to drool over.  Bummer!

I wasn't trying to get his abs on film. Honest.  Or...was I?

The rest of the set list was good, but there are always songs I wish were included. I was sorry that Love's the Only Rule was not included (it was usually the set ender during the tour) and they did not do the acoustic set that they did throughout the tour.  I had been looking forward to both of those.  I know they were mixing things up as they went along, but I'm selfish. 

April 23, Charlottte, NC, Time Warner Cable Arena

Happy Now
We Weren't Born to Follow
You Give Love a Bad Name
Whole Lot of Leavin'
Born to Be My Baby
Lost Highway
When We Were Beautiful
Superman Tonight
We Got It Goin' On
Bad Medicine w/ Bad Case of Loving You [Robert Palmer cover]
It's My Life
Lay Your Hands on Me [Richie Sambora on lead vocals]
(You Want To) Make a Memory
Diamond Ring
I'll Be There For You
I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
Captain Crash & the Beauty Queen from Mars
Work for the Working Man
Who Says You Can't Go Home
Someday I'll Be Saturday Night

ENCORE:
Hallelujah [Leonard Cohen cover]
Runaway
Wanted Dead or Alive
Livin' on a Prayer

There are videos out there on You Tube if you want to check out performances, but I'm just going to link to Blame It On The Love, an unofficial Bon Jovi blog, where they are already posted because I'm too lazy to embed them here. LOL
  
It was a good set list, but in Shannonland, it would be different.  My ultimate set list would be as follows. In no particular order except by album:

She Don't Know Me (which they will NEVER do, so....)
In and Out of Love
Only Lonely
Silent Night
Never Say Goodbye
Born to be My Baby
Wild is the Wind
I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
In These Arms (with David Bryan on lead vocals)
These Days
This Ain't a Love Song
Edge of a Broken Heart
Just Older
Mystery Train
Have a Nice Day
Complicated
Lost Highway
I Love This Town
Love's the Only Rule
When We Were Beautiful
We Weren't Born to Follow
I Get a Rush
Someday I'll be Saturday Night
Always

I'm sure I'd add more songs to this if I thought about it, but I don't wanna think about it right now.  And you can't make meeeeeeeeee!!!

I do wish I had another chance to see them on this tour, but Charlotte was the end of the arenas and now they are on a break until mid-May and then start the stadium leg of the tour.  I thought for some reason that the tour was going to keep going into 2011 and I guess it might, but usually they end things at Giants Stadium during the summer or early fall, so I'm not holing out hope. But if another leg of the tour turns up, you bet I'll find a way to be there!

This is as close as I come to making New Year's Resolutions

I hope you all had a nice New Year's Eve, for those so inclined to engage in all the festivities. I have never been a fan of this particular "holiday" except getting a day off work. It was never a big deal in my home growing up and I don't recall my parents ever going out to NYE parties. I don't have anything against it, per se, just never saw the point. People seem to think that is because my mother died on NYE 1999, but that is not the case. Just general ambivalence.

That said, I did go to a friend's house last night to hang out with some folks I seldom get to see and had a nice time. I skew towards the low key end of the spectrum for fun. I watched a friend’s little boy giggle and giggle and just be too darn cute. I ate some yummy food. Someone even sidled up to me and said I looked like I'd been losing weight and someone else said when they first met me (a few years ago) they were shocked to learn my age because they thought I looked about 10 years younger. Yeah, can't argue with any of that. *grin*

As for 2010, I am hoping it's better than 2009. 2009 was probably half good and half bad. Not a bad balance really since I had expected it be a crappy year being unemployed. So the job situation is a huge plus, I had so much fun at my 20th high school reunion that it should have been illegal, but that is balanced by the deaths of two friends within the same week. Oh yes, and I got a kickin’ new job that I simply love and am so blessed to have landed in. For a year that started out with only the promise of looming unemployment, it turned out better in many ways than I would have expected.

I really don't make resolutions, but there are areas I'd like to improve in in my life, but that's a daily thing to deal with rather than something I think you should focus on on January 1st.

But for the sake of joining the resolution madness, I present Shannon’s Version of New Year’s Resolutions.

1) I will not do physical harm to people who cannot learn to spell the word “definitely” correctly. There is NO “A” in “definitely”!! Of that, I am DEFINITELY sure!!

2) I will not take up running. I tried it. I don’t like it. I refuse to do it. The exception to this rule is if I am being chased by a serial killer. In that instance, I think it would be prudent to revise this particular resolution.

3) I will not be growing my hair out in 2010. Tried it. Didn’t like it. Much like the aforementioned running.

4) In 2010 I will continue to wonder what my natural hair color is. I think it’s brown. Possibly dark brown. I’m reasonably confident there is some grey in there too, but we’ll never know for sure!

5) I will not be getting married in 2010. In conjunction with this, I will not be a) getting pregnant or b) having a baby.

6) I will eat too much on many occasions and regret it later.

7) I will never exercise as much as I think I should, but at least I’ll exercise.

8) I’ll miss the people I have loved and lost, but know that they are in a much better place, without sadness or pain and that will make me smile.

9) I will continue to think my butt is too big, my bank account too small, and my fabulousness frequently unappreciated.

10) I will continue to love Bon Jovi. I know. You’re shocked. Try to control yourselves.

I'm just hoping that this year is better than next - for more than just me.