There’s a line in the Meg Ryan/Kevin Kline movie “French Kiss” where Meg’s character “Kate” is on a bit of a tear and says, “Happy - smile. Sad - frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion.” Kate, you see, has no problem expressing her emotions and expects everyone else to be able to do the same. I, however, am not Kate. (And I’m not that other Kate either. The one with the wackadoodle hair and the 9 gabillion kids.)
I’m not the most demonstrative person in the world. I’m not a real touchy-feely kinda gal. I’m not sure why that is exactly. It’s not that I don’t have emotions; I just don’t really throw them out there a lot (except to complain about stuff). Or when and if I do, one of two things happens – it’s a crazy eruption like some psychotic episode or I am made to feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the things I am feeling. If I’m sad, someone’s always telling me to cheer up. If I’m angry, they try to calm me down. If I’m happy, sometimes I’m made to feel silly for being so happy or excited about something. It’s much easier to just not express those emotions and keep them to myself and for myself.
I can’t say that it’s something instilled in me from childhood; I’m not inclined to be someone who blames all their adult problems and issues on their parents. I had awesome parents. But somewhere along the line I just lost the ability to cut loose.
Case in point, the Michael Bublé concert I attended a few weeks back. If you’d seen me you might never have realized how much fun I was having because I mostly sat in my seat, listening and not singing along and clapping politely at the end. Before the show I was bouncing around a bit and I might have sung along once or twice, but to the outside viewer, I probably was not having a good time, when in reality I was loving every minute of it. As I expressed – ad nauseum – on Facebook (I do much better with the written word it seems.)
Now, at the Bon Jovi show I attended back in April, I was much livelier. I always dance and sing and have a grand old time, but I gotta be honest – I feel really strange when I do that. As if someone is going to be watching me and wondering why I’m so happy. Yeah, I know. In an arena with 10,000 or more screaming people no one is paying attention to little old me, but it feels that way.
I don’t dance in public. The last time I actually danced in public was 1992 after the USC homecoming game and I’d had 6 screwdrivers in a 1 ½ hour time period and the world was still spinning around hours later. (But I did have a grand old time!) The last time I think I cried in public was at my mother’s funeral 10 years ago. I love a lot of people, but I seldom say so. That’s just a whole other level of discomfort for me.
A lot of this makes no sense even to me. I do so many things that scream, “Hey world! Look at meeeeeee!!!” and then when the world does look at me, I want to run and hide behind my mother’s skirts like I did as a shy little girl. Yeah. I know. It makes no sense.
I wonder about it all sometimes. Wonder if I will ever be someone who can just freely express emotions without worrying if someone is watching and judging me. Part of me believes that even with my closest friends, they still simply will not understand me and where I am coming from. Sometimes you just want to be able to say what you are thinking and feeling without someone else trying to solve your problems or tell you everything’s I ok when you know that it’s not. Or without someone jumping in with “Oh that happens to me all the time and it’s 900 times more interesting than what you just said!” Or without someone judging your feelings as if it’s ok to do that. Because it’s not. My feelings and emotions are just that – MINE. And yours are yours. So long as you are not homicidal I think it’s ok to feel what you are feeling and to acknowledge it. But usually I’m just told that it’s not ok, even in less-than-direct terminology.
Sometimes you just want to be able to express what you are feeling and have that be enough. Maybe that’s all I really want – I just want to be enough.
2 comments:
Maybe you should try to change your perspective a bit. Obviously you are much more comfortable expressing yourself in writing, and I would venture to bet that you are not alone in that preference. So instead of being concerned that you do not share your emotions through spoken word on demonstrative actions, perhaps you should consider your writing a very normal and productive forum for expressing feelings and emotions. You seem to not only be comfortable with it, but very skilled at it as well. Not that any of that is news to you.
I think most sane, rational people feel pressures to control their emotions and censor their words and actions. And we all feel pressure and fear judgment from the world around us. We each deal with it differently, but likewise most of us who have made it to adulthood have learned to cope. But just because you are not the girl who cries to the person next to her in line at the bank because your fish died, or the people who look like they might have had something less than legal before a concert because they are dancing around just a little *too* much, does not mean you cannot express yourself in a way you find comfortable and productive.
Very good points. And I do consider my writing as an expression of my feelings/emotions. Sometimes it would just be nice to be able to say what I'm thinking though. Say it at that moment rather than ponder it for 2 days and then write a blog about it. LOL
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