It's Always Surprising How Nice Men Can Suddenly Act All A**hole at the End

This is Part V, the final chapter, for anyone following along.

Videos sent, I went on to work and my friend texted a bit later to tell me he’d gotten them, but hadn’t had time to watch them yet. After silence for the rest of the day and into the night, I reached out and told him we had to talk about what I’d said and he asked to table discussions till the following day. I knew he’d never bring it up again, but since we’d already picked a date for our next date weekend, I decided it was a matter best left until we were face-to-face.

Things grew progressively worse as the week or so went on until we would see each other again.  We sometimes went days without him saying a word to me. Finally, frustration limit fully exceeded at this point, I asked if everyone was ok. Was anyone hurt or in the hospital or anything like that? Because outside of that, I truly did not understand why he was ignoring me. I wasn't sending some constant barrage of texts. He said that things were fine, but once again, work was so very busy. Was he even still planning to come see me that weekend, I asked? He said yes, but I’m not sure if either of our hearts were in it at this point.

I give him credit for driving 8 hours that weekend so we could talk in person. He didn’t have to do that. Unfortunately, what he had to say wasn’t what I wanted to hear. 

He didn’t know if he could be in a long-distance relationship. Or ANY relationship. He wasn’t even sure what we were to each other. Was I his girlfriend? Sitting next to him on the couch, looking him in the eye, he seemed genuinely confused about it all. 

He said he’d been working 60 or more hours a week just at the office, while trying to spend time with his kids and he knew he wasn’t taking care of himself. He didn’t seem to know how to include me in the mix and asked what I wanted. I, of course, said that I wanted it to work.

He asked for a couple of days to get his head on straight and I agreed. I even offered a little more time than that, but he declined, saying that wouldn’t be fair to me.

I wasn’t exactly sure how to make things work, but I still knew that we needed to spend more time together. Maybe now he would let me do some of the traveling instead of him driving to see me each time. I had more flexibility to take time off work than he did and I certainly wouldn’t mind.  And while we weren’t at this point yet, I was not opposed to leaving South Carolina and moving closer to where he lived. There were ways to make things work if he wanted it to. If…

Before he left, we went out for a late lunch and he didn’t want to hold my hand. Oh, he did it when I reached for his hand in the car, but I could tell he didn’t want to. Where once he’s INSISTED on holding my hand, now it was as if he was avoiding any contact with me at all. When he left, he kissed me for the first and only time that day. I didn’t realize it would be the last time he would ever kiss me.

Those 2 days he asked for turned into a week and he did not seem to understand why I was frustrated and upset. But dammit, I deserved answers! I was being as patient as I could be, but leaving me hanging like that was unkind. 

Tired of what felt like the run around, I asked him to do a gut check, because he already knew what he wanted and now he had to tell me. I would expect an answer within a few days. The next morning, he said his gut told him he wanted it work between us. He wasn’t sure how, but that’s what he wanted. I believed him because that’s what my heart wanted. I didn’t want to lose him. 

I guess we hung in there for maybe another month. I tried to be understanding and let it go if we did not talk every day. He wasn’t lying about how busy his job was, but at the same time, if you can’t find 2 minutes to send me a text telling me you’re thinking about me, well, that means you aren’t. You make time for who and what matters to you. Period. It’s really that simple.

At some point I stopped caring what I told him. I’m loquacious on a good day, but this was probably overkill I know. I also don’t care. I had nothing to lose at this point. Nothing. He was already slipping away. Likely already had, truth be told. 

Regardless of what he said about wanting to make it work, I think he started pulling away from me in February and by May, he’d long since checked out. I was the one blindsided and left to struggle to keep the ship afloat. 

So I told him what I wanted. How I thought we could work it out. I tossed out ideas on how we could meet somewhere in the middle so each of us did some driving and it took the load off of him. I even told him I was in love with him. While I did feel love for him, saying I was “in love” wasn’t really the right choice of words. Loving and being IN love are different things, but I did feel love for him and I didn’t have a problem saying it, knowing full well that he wasn’t going to reciprocate. That was oddly ok with me because at least it opened some communication up for the first time in ages. 

I’m sure it also terrified him because he repeatedly mentioned feeling overwhelmed. Not just by that declaration, but by everything it seemed. He said he wasn't ready for this...whatever "this" was at this point. But really, where did he think all this was going? Did he think I wouldn't have feelings for him, stronger than merely like? Did he think I would be ok with being ignored? I don't know what he thought because he wouldn't tell me.

On a Tuesday afternoon in early May, he responded to a text I’d sent with one sentence and then…that was it. Nothing more to be heard from him.

During a conversation with my friend Jack a few days later, he said that in all the years he’s known me, he never would have thought I would be the one chasing after a man. He always saw me as the one turning down the men pursuing me. (Side note: Who the heck has Jack known all these years? Cause it doesn’t seem like it was me!)  After that chat, something in my mind finally clicked and the next day I texted this man and told him I was utterly confused about what was going on, but if he ever wanted to talk to me, he knew where to find me. And that I would miss him, so very much. Then I did a few shots of peach Absolut and cried my eyes out.

As predicted, I got no response. And as could also possibly be predicted, I kept trying several more times to get one. “Yeah. Sure. I told you goodbye, but clearly I did not mean it.” I can laugh at that now, but I so wanted things to work out. I just wanted him to talk to me. To tell me what was going on. If he’d talk to me, surely, we could work things out. Or at least I’d know why we couldn’t.

About a week and a half later, I did get one response and the last words he said to me were, “I will talk with you. Promise.” I knew as soon as I read it that he was lying. Perhaps not to me, but certainly to himself. I think he meant it when he said it, but in the end, it was easier – for him – to ignore me.

I have sent texts now and then, when I have felt the urge, but never expected a response. What I think upsets me the most is that we had become friends over those months and I miss my friend. He took that away from me and I may never be able to forgive him for that. I went through a stressful move and some life changes and I wanted to talk to my friend, but he denied me that. Maybe we were never really friends at all.

At the same time, a 40-something year old man should be above ghosting me. Aren’t we entirely too old for that sort of nonsense? Don’t I at least deserve the respect of being told, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t know how to make this work”, rather than the silent treatment?

I was going to be hurt no matter what, but he didn’t have to do it this way. To leave with me unanswered questions and confusion. He CHOSE to hurt me. He CHOSE to do this. He CHOSE to be cruel.

I once told him that part of my anxiety (over the lack of communication) stemmed from being ghosted by a man a few years ago. He would simply stop responding to my texts for no apparent reason. So, for this man to then go and do that to me, it has felt very deliberate. 

One thing that stands out to me through all this is how he said he wasn't ready to make me unhappy by being unresponsive. That's awfully funny to think about now because just how does he think it has made me feel when he's treated me this way? "Unhappy" doesn't begin to cover the range of emotions I've had the past 3 months.

Oh, the easy answer to why he did this is that he’s a jerk and I won’t really argue with that, but I don’t think that’s really all there is to it. Maybe I give him too much credit though. I’m sure his friends and family would say he’s a great guy and maybe he is. To them. But he didn’t break their hearts. He broke mine.

Maybe there are reasons he’s still single (and I KNOW there are reasons that I am – sweet Jesus let’s not get into that. That’s why I’ve been to therapy.) Heck, maybe he’s met another woman and couldn’t figure out how to tell me. If so, good luck to her. She may not have an easier time of it than I have.

All of that will remain a mystery to me and maybe even to him. When we saw each other that last time, he said he did not like how things had been going the past month, but he also said he did not know why he was behaving the way he was. And you know what? I think he was telling the truth. I don’t think he fully understood why or was willing to admit those reasons to himself if he did know. I will also never know why and that’s something I must live with. It gets easier day-by-day. 

What I DO know is that he broke my heart and he didn’t have to. At least not the way he's done it. I didn't deserve that…and he sure as hell doesn't deserve me!