I am an extremely anxious person. I’m not sure if I
always have been, but as an adult it definitely materialized and I was diagnosed
about 15 years ago with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. When my counselor at the time
told me that’s what I was dealing with, I went home and did a search on-line
since I had no idea what it really was all about. After that, it was clear she
was right. Hello GAD. I am you. You are me. We are one. And then band played on…
WebMD defines Generalized Anxiety Disorder this way: “Generalized anxiety disorder (or GAD) is
characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life
events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized
anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about
health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry is often
unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation.”
The Mayo Clinic web site also has a good list of the
mental and physical symptoms of GAD. I can check off many items on that list
that I have experienced or still experience.
I’ve never wondered how I ended up with anxiety issues
because, quite frankly, that would just cause me more anxiety trying to figure
it out. I was diagnosed after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in New
York City, but I can’t say that was a trigger. At the time, I was living and
working in Dubai and had only been there for about 7 months when the attacks
happened in the US. I had never lived away from home like that – halfway across
the world – and was still having trouble adjusting to life there and making
friends.
When the attacks happened, my panic reflex kicked in and I just wanted
to go home. So I did. But months later, after finding a new job and moving to
another new city, I was miserable. I couldn’t make connections with anyone no
matter how hard I tried (Atlanta is big) and I hated my job. I was
all around miserable. The counselor I met with helped me figure some things out
and when I moved back home 6 months later, I kept seeing someone for a few weeks
to make sure that things really were better and thankfully they were.
But…the anxiety never went away. I worry all the time
about what seem like the simplest things. I will rehearse the outgoing message
I put on my office voicemail for the days I am out of the office. I want to be
sure it sounds “just right” and that the tone of my voice is appropriate. The
words are correct.
Driving on the interstate wears greatly on my nerves.
I can’t be beside semis without having fear in my heart. Heck, driving period
can mess with my head. I have serious car paranoia. I worry if the tires have enough
pressure; is the right amount of engine oil in there; will any of the warning
lights come on while I am driving. The list goes on and on.
I bought a new car
3 weeks ago because my old car was having problems (oil leak, which I always
worry about, so sometimes I’m not quite so “paranoid” about things) and I still
can’t stop worrying about driving it!! I’ve calmed down a bit in the past few weeks,
but every day I have to stop myself from checking the tire pressure or the oil
and instead pay attention to the roads and other cars and drive the damn thing.
I had a counseling session yesterday with my current
therapist (because the whole vaginismus thing is going to have an anxiety
aspect to it as well, but who wants to walk around going, “Hey! I have sexual
anxiety!”...although I suppose I just did. Ha!) and had been to the doctor the
previous day about some strange hormonal things going on. I told my counselor
that I was getting a good laugh at my own expense because I had realized that I
am more concerned about my car and it breaking down than I was about my body
and the possibility that it is breaking down. I fret over the possibility that
someone might hit my new car and total it and then I’ll have to figure out how
to pay for it AND another car, but when the doctor goes, “Well, we’ll do an endometrial
biopsy and check things and we’re running blood tests to see if you have a
thyroid problem” I shrug and go, “Ok. Sure. Ummm…does anyone have cake?” Cause,
y’know, I love for cake…priorities and all.
Thankfully, the counselor and I could both find the
humor in how I fret over one thing (and I have flippin’ AAA and a 3-year
warranty on my car should something start to act up, so there is back-up here),
but the other thing is rolling right off of me. It’s not that I’m unconcerned
about my health, mind you, I guess it’s just that I live in this body, so I’m
the first one to know if something is wrong. I went to the doctor and she agreed
that things aren’t normal, so we’re going to work to figure out what’s going
on.
But still, you’d think I’d worry more about my body
than the car. I feel like Binkley from the Bloom County comic strips with his
Anxiety Closet full of all kinds of craziness. All those things that go bump in
the night or keep you awake because your mind simply refuses to shut down and let
you rest.
I don’t imagine that my anxiety will quiet down any
time soon. It comes and it goes with its severity, but at least I can embrace
it to an extent and acknowledge what is going on.
So if you see me some time and I seem oblivious to what
is going on around me or cautious or reserved (Ok, stop laughing. I am totally
an introvert by nature!) it’s because I’m scared. I’m nervous. (Hellooooo social anxiety!) Am I am going to
say and do the right things? Are people going to judge me? What if I go
somewhere and nobody wants to talk to me? Did I try too hard? Did I try hard
enough? I have literally driven to places and then refused to get out of the car and go inside because I would rather stay home alone and watch TV on a Friday night than to have to force myself into a social situation with strangers. I've done it, but it's also made me miserable at times.
The mind races and I could go on and on about all the ways that anxiety can affect someone, but I think
you get the picture. It’s not always a pretty one, but it’s the one I have.
Maybe I used finger paints to paint it, but I think maybe I do my best work in the
abstract. At least I still try.
