Houston, We Have a Problem

For anyone joining the party at this date, this is Part IV of what will likely be 5 blogs in a short series.You can find Part I here, Part II here, and Part III here.

 Part IV - Houston, We Have a Problem

The physical distance between us was a challenge, but we were able to see each other several times during the months we were dating.  We even managed to pull off 2 visits in December. I was so happy. Just being together was a real treat.

A few weeks before Valentine’s Day, I mentioned to him that I knew it was a Hallmark holiday, but that it was going to matter to me. He knew I was shopping for a gift for him and because I am a planner, it arrived about a week early. I’d told him Valentine’s Day was going to matter to me because I wanted to avoid being hurt if my expectations weren’t met. It happened anyway.

The day before Valentine’s Day he asked me for my office address. Considering the timing, he had to know that I would be expecting to get flowers the next day. In the end, I got nothing. No card. No flowers. No gift. I did get a text that morning, but I was heartbroken. 

The work day had been a stressful one and then the one time in years I’d been dating someone on Valentine’s Day, he ignores it. I went home that night and cried. He was coming to visit that weekend and I thought surely he would do something then. He knew this mattered to me. I’d told him. Surely he wouldn’t hurt me this way.

The weekend came and went and not only did he not say or do anything about Valentine’s Day, but we also didn’t have as much time together as I’d expected. It was Presidents’ Day weekend and he’d picked it because “we’ll have more time together”. I thought that meant we’d have at least 48 hours to ourselves, but we never even got close to 24. I was so disappointed. On one hand, I was thrilled to see him because I missed him desperately and was all full of goofy, lovey-dovey feelings, but on the other hand, I was so very disappointed. I already knew that we needed to spend more time together. We rarely got to see each other and something did not feel right.

I felt uneasy and when I’d asked him if anything was wrong, trying not to seem desperate and needy (while actually flat out saying I felt desperate and needy bringing it up), I was assured that everything was fine. Work was busy and he’d get better at communicating. When all you have is texting and the occasional phone call, you cling to that. When communication started to drop off, I had to wonder why.

It was during that February visit that we also defined our relationship. It seemed like a silly thing to have to ask at that point, but I wanted to be sure we were on the same page. Were we dating? Yes. Were we dating exclusively? Yes. We agreed on both of these things and he even commented that it’s always good to verbalize that so no one has to wonder. I still wasn’t sure what it all meant, but at least we were in agreement. Weren’t we?

I was sad when he left, but as always, glad we had some time together. I’d rather have had a little time tgether now and then than to never see him at all.

Unfortunately, things didn’t improve after that visit. We talked less and less and one day, for the first time in 210 days (yes, I counted), we did not talk at all. Nothing. Not a single word exchanged all day.

After so many days of being in touch, it hurt not to hear from him. Yes, I could have contacted him, but as the day went on I thought, “No. I want him to miss me and think about me and want to talk to me.” I didn't want to keep feeling like I was pushing. I was back to feeling desperate, needy, and clingy. I’d expressed that fear before and was assured I didn’t seem needy. That everyone needed attention sometimes. 

The waning communication was on his end, not mine. I was still as gung-ho as ever about dating him. I still wanted to talk to him every day and see him as often as possible, but I felt distance creeping in. We limped along into March and by the end of the month I was sad, frustrated, and angry. 

Toward the end of the month, I was having a really bad day. By that time, we were at the point where I felt like I was barely hearing from him at all. Work was even busier, he said, and I was trying to be understanding. The last thing I wanted was for this to end. I wanted to talk to him about finding a way to spend more time together. I thought that was what he wanted, too.

I dislike talking on the phone and so does he, but knew we needed to try to make that happen now and then. We were talking one night and after about 10 minutes, he asked if he could call me back in a few minutes. I said sure because I knew he had some important people in town for work, plus he has kids (teenagers, actually) at home. Someone obviously needed something and I could respect that. After nearly an hour, I realized he wasn’t going to call me back and I went to bed thinking surely he’d text to let me know why he hadn’t, but I never heard from him. Not even the following day.

That day turned out to be series of mishaps and frustrations at work and at some point I texted and told him I could sure use some kind works to cheer me up. I never heard from him that day at all. Sad and frustrated, the next day I sent him a couple of short videos. In the past I had occasionally sent little 30 second videos to him because I thought it was more personal. A nice way to say hi across the miles. 

This time I did it because I wanted him to know I was hurt by his lack of responsiveness, but knowing how tricky interpretation of the written word can be, I didn’t want to come off like some deranged harpy, screaming at him for not paying attention to me. I was more hurt than angry and while I’d suppressed the Valentine’s Day hurt until we could talk in person, this couldn’t wait. I’d shed more tears over this man in the past few months than I can recall ever crying about anyone or anything. I couldn’t keep doing it.

In those short videos I told him how it hurt me that he hadn’t bothered to let me know he couldn’t call me back the other night and how ignoring me the previous day also stung. Then I was open and honest and told him I didn’t have a lot of relationship experience and therefore didn’t know “the rules”, whatever the hell they might be. 

We used to have what seemed like open, honest communication and were always talking about how much we missed each other. But now I wasn’t sure he wanted me to tell him I missed him and couldn’t wait to see him again.  I was confused and he still wasn’t shedding any light on things. 

My anxiety was through the roof and I knew that in spite of all the denials, something was wrong.