I am trapped in the body of a fat girl. I really want to finish that statement by saying that I’m a skinny girl who is trapped in the body of a fat one, but that’s not true. I’m a fat girl trapped in the body of a fat girl with a fat girl’s mind and behavior. It’s an ugly, unfortunate truth, but truth it is.
Food is the center of my universe. If I’m not eating, then I’m thinking about when I’ll eat next or what I’ll eat. I’m dreaming of what delightful culinary concoction is coming from my next meal. And it’s always about the next meal.
If I were a chef then this round-the-clock food fest might make sense. To have my mind so focused on food all the time would make sense to me then. But it doesn’t. I just want food around me all the time. I want tons of options and as much as I want, whenever I want it.
I have, more or less, always been overweight. I remember being weighed back in 3rd grade and the nurse saying I was 82 pounds. I also remember other kids laughing at me because of that. Fast forward to 5th grade where my former friend Melissa called me a whale one day. I responded that it was better to be a whale than a skeleton. Kids are so sweet to each other, aren’t they? I could list a few more things, but I’ll spare myself from having to remember it.
Sometime during high school I did drop down to my lowest “adult” weight of 120-125. I don’t really have any photos from then, but there are a couple of pictures and to my eyes, I look strange. Like my head is too big for my body or neck. I would speculate that anything from 150 – 175 would be a good, healthy weight for me, but I’m quite a few pounds over that 175 limit these days. That makes me sad, but it also makes me want to eat chocolate.
My Fat Girl Brain (FGB) just wants to eat. If I’m happy, let’s eat! If I’m sad, let’s eat! And after we’re done, let’s eat!! I’ve always been a huge water drinker so when someone says, “drink more water – it’ll curb your appetite” I just want to laugh out loud. It might for some people, but not for me. I could easily down a gallon of water a day without thinking twice about it. When people say they struggle to get in 8 glasses, I’m baffled. Truly. And no, I’m not diabetic. Doctors seem to freak when I tell them how much water I drink and a few have insisted of checking to see if I am diabetic, but I’m not. Nor do I have a thyroid problem or high blood pressure or hypertension or a B12 deficiency or anything else that the docs have tested me for. I’m just fat.
Actually, “obese” would probably be the correct terminology according to the charts, but to me obese people are the ones who have to be airlifted with a crane out of their house. I can work with “fat” thanks just the same.
But the FGB gets me into trouble. The spirit is willing you see, but the flesh and the FGB are quite horribly weak. I get angry when I can’t have what I want. I get angry that I can’t have what I want. I resent that other people can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. And don’t even get me started on people who complain that they can’t gain weight. Oh man, I can’t even go there with that one. That is just so not a problem that someone should complain about unless they truly have an eating disorder or some serious health problem that requires them to put on a few pounds.
My FGB is just a really dangerous thing. I have been known to eat cups full of bacon. CUPS FULL OF BACON. At work when the residents have a baked potato bar for lunch and there are leftovers, I will eat a cup full of bacon. I love bacon so much that I don’t even care if I feel lousy later on. I smell it and I have to have it.
I sneak food and eat in secret. I’ve been known to stand over leftover cake in the kitchen at work and just cut off little piece after little piece and shovel it in before someone comes through and sees what I’m doing.
I’ll eat even when I’m not hungry. Case in point – yesterday’s plate (though small) of chips and queso from a great Mexican restaurant that was left over from a lunch at work. I was stuffed from the lunch I had just eaten, but still wanted the chips and queso. It’s not just a lack of willpower, it’s an obsession.
I haven’t quite self-diagnosed with food addiction or anything just yet, but I’m just one Google search away from that probably. (Whatever did we do without the internet and the ability to diagnose ourselves with 7 different kinds of deadly diseases in a 5 minute time period?)
So while I wish I could say that I was a skinny girl trapped inside a fat girl’s body, the reality is that I am a fat girl. I think like one. I act like one. I certainly look like one. Even when I am working out daily (ok, so maybe only 4-5 times a week and not a solid 7 times every single week…) and eating well (meaning more fruits and veggies as opposed to that cup of bacon or secret cake binges), nothing seems to change. Oh, my body changes in some ways that are positive, but…well… not enough I guess.
I’m not writing all this down looking for any solutions or advice. I know what’s wrong. I know the ways to combat it, to fix it, to heal it. I’m well aware I assure you. I’m just putting this out there because maybe someone else needs to see it and know that they are not alone.
Food is the center of my universe. If I’m not eating, then I’m thinking about when I’ll eat next or what I’ll eat. I’m dreaming of what delightful culinary concoction is coming from my next meal. And it’s always about the next meal.
If I were a chef then this round-the-clock food fest might make sense. To have my mind so focused on food all the time would make sense to me then. But it doesn’t. I just want food around me all the time. I want tons of options and as much as I want, whenever I want it.
I have, more or less, always been overweight. I remember being weighed back in 3rd grade and the nurse saying I was 82 pounds. I also remember other kids laughing at me because of that. Fast forward to 5th grade where my former friend Melissa called me a whale one day. I responded that it was better to be a whale than a skeleton. Kids are so sweet to each other, aren’t they? I could list a few more things, but I’ll spare myself from having to remember it.
Sometime during high school I did drop down to my lowest “adult” weight of 120-125. I don’t really have any photos from then, but there are a couple of pictures and to my eyes, I look strange. Like my head is too big for my body or neck. I would speculate that anything from 150 – 175 would be a good, healthy weight for me, but I’m quite a few pounds over that 175 limit these days. That makes me sad, but it also makes me want to eat chocolate.
My Fat Girl Brain (FGB) just wants to eat. If I’m happy, let’s eat! If I’m sad, let’s eat! And after we’re done, let’s eat!! I’ve always been a huge water drinker so when someone says, “drink more water – it’ll curb your appetite” I just want to laugh out loud. It might for some people, but not for me. I could easily down a gallon of water a day without thinking twice about it. When people say they struggle to get in 8 glasses, I’m baffled. Truly. And no, I’m not diabetic. Doctors seem to freak when I tell them how much water I drink and a few have insisted of checking to see if I am diabetic, but I’m not. Nor do I have a thyroid problem or high blood pressure or hypertension or a B12 deficiency or anything else that the docs have tested me for. I’m just fat.
Actually, “obese” would probably be the correct terminology according to the charts, but to me obese people are the ones who have to be airlifted with a crane out of their house. I can work with “fat” thanks just the same.
But the FGB gets me into trouble. The spirit is willing you see, but the flesh and the FGB are quite horribly weak. I get angry when I can’t have what I want. I get angry that I can’t have what I want. I resent that other people can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. And don’t even get me started on people who complain that they can’t gain weight. Oh man, I can’t even go there with that one. That is just so not a problem that someone should complain about unless they truly have an eating disorder or some serious health problem that requires them to put on a few pounds.
My FGB is just a really dangerous thing. I have been known to eat cups full of bacon. CUPS FULL OF BACON. At work when the residents have a baked potato bar for lunch and there are leftovers, I will eat a cup full of bacon. I love bacon so much that I don’t even care if I feel lousy later on. I smell it and I have to have it.
I sneak food and eat in secret. I’ve been known to stand over leftover cake in the kitchen at work and just cut off little piece after little piece and shovel it in before someone comes through and sees what I’m doing.
I’ll eat even when I’m not hungry. Case in point – yesterday’s plate (though small) of chips and queso from a great Mexican restaurant that was left over from a lunch at work. I was stuffed from the lunch I had just eaten, but still wanted the chips and queso. It’s not just a lack of willpower, it’s an obsession.
I haven’t quite self-diagnosed with food addiction or anything just yet, but I’m just one Google search away from that probably. (Whatever did we do without the internet and the ability to diagnose ourselves with 7 different kinds of deadly diseases in a 5 minute time period?)
So while I wish I could say that I was a skinny girl trapped inside a fat girl’s body, the reality is that I am a fat girl. I think like one. I act like one. I certainly look like one. Even when I am working out daily (ok, so maybe only 4-5 times a week and not a solid 7 times every single week…) and eating well (meaning more fruits and veggies as opposed to that cup of bacon or secret cake binges), nothing seems to change. Oh, my body changes in some ways that are positive, but…well… not enough I guess.
I’m not writing all this down looking for any solutions or advice. I know what’s wrong. I know the ways to combat it, to fix it, to heal it. I’m well aware I assure you. I’m just putting this out there because maybe someone else needs to see it and know that they are not alone.
2 comments:
I could have pretty much written this. I went through an abnormal period of my life about 2 years ago where I ate extremely healthy for about a year or so. I wish I could find that girl again. I wasn't obsessed with food then. But these days? Struggling again. Why is it so hard? Why is food so damn good? Ugh.
At least when I gave up cigarettes that was it. No more. But with food, you can't give it up completely.
Great honest post!
The sad thing is that I got several responses and e-mails when I posted this as a "note" on Facebook saying the same thing - I could have written this myself. It's nice knowing we are all in the struggle together, but I hate that any of us have to face that struggle at all.
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