Enjoying the little indulgences in life

Have you ever taken a load of laundry out of the dryer and it was so soft and so warm that you just wanted to curl up in it? I do that all the time and today I finally indulged in doing just that. I was carrying the pile to toss on my bed to fold and sort later and decided instead to throw myself onto the bed with the laundry on top. I have to tell you, it was one of the best feelings I've experienced in quite a while. Hot like a soothing shower or an electric blanket set at exactly the right temp, the heat radiating from the laundry felt so, so good. Warm. Soft. It smelled so good. I wanted to stay that way forever, but I settled for about 10 minutes tops.

That little moment of indulgence is indicative of what I am trying to incorporate into my life these days. Oh, I indulge in food all the time. That's how I got up to the highest weights I've been over the years. I have a problem with my filter system in general (say things, do things that maybe I shouldn't a lot of the time) and food is one filter that I never seem to use at all. But other than buying books all the time, eating too many Oreos, and probably sleeping way too much (I slept over 8 hours last night which is great on the one hand, but on the other hand, I have a headache and "sleep hangover" today), but I don't always just do little things that are indulgent. Today, I changed that.

Back at the start of 2015, I took a mindfulness and meditation class. Or rather, I tried to. After about 4 of the 8 weeks of the class, I had to stop going. I hate to start things and not finish them (like the French class I started in the winter of 2014 and quickly gave up on), but I was not happy trying to meditate. Put me in a chair and make me it still and quiet for 45 minutes while having to also keep a completely clear mind...well, that's torture for me. I stopped that and found a new Zumba class instead and was much happier for it. I do, however, try to remember some of the things I learned in those classes and being mindful of whatever situation I am currently in is one of those things. Sometimes it's as simple as closing my eyes and standing with the hot shower spray pouring over my head and simply breathing. Other times it's listening to the sound made when I peel a clementine (I know, it's weird, but it was an exercise we did in class and I really like the sound it makes) or inhaling that first citrusy scent when you get that peeling off of the fruit.

While laying under my little pile of laundry, all toasty and warm and content, I tried to clear my mind as much as possible and simply be there in that moment. To feel the warmth, the softness. Smell the scent of clean laundry. To stop, or at least slow down, which is not something I am good at. My little respite only lasted about 10 minutes or less, but it was so worth it (except that now I really want to take a nap!).

We are heading into the holidays and I have found those to be quite a struggle the past few years. This is also a very busy time of year at work for me and I have been trying to do advance prep to ensure that this is a less stressful time for me if it can be. I'm looking for more fun things to do - whether it's curling up with some dedicated reading time or forcing myself to be out and social (which is not my forte, regardless of the fact that I can talk a stranger's ear off in the right situation) - and ways to make sure I am eating healthier and getting enough exercise. Whatever I can do to make this time of year easier for me since it has recently been so hard to deal with. Some days that may include taking a break under a pile of warm laundry. Or peeling a clementine with it right up to my ear. Going to be early because I am sleepy (rather than forcing myself to stay awake because "it's too early to go to bed"). And maybe even eating some Oreos (life is not complete without them - true story). I'm also going to be on the lookout for more of the little indulgences I can, well, indulge in because why wouldn't you want to be happy if you can be? That's not a trick question...

True Confessions: I hate reading the Bible

When I somewhat rashly declared to a co-worker a few weeks ago that this would be a year when I said "yes" to things more than "no", I was thinking along the lines of finally learning how to use my grandmother's crochet hooks (or give them away and have one less bit of "stuff" hanging around) or trying once again to learn to juggle after having attempted it - and given up pretty quickly - a couple of years ago. Then one day last week I was driving to work and a little voice inside my head said, (well, I'm paraphrasing here because I was probably also listening to the radio as well as the voice in my head) "What about reading the Bible?'

Having been raised in the church it's not like the Bible is a foreign thing to me. I've spent enough time in Sunday School or in various Bible studies to know enough of this and that, but I'll never pretend to have read the entire book or know every story, chapter or verse.

The simple truth is, I hate reading the Bible. I have tried many times to read it through because I've felt that it was my duty and obligation to do that, but I just can't. Those plans that show you how to read through it in a year make me nuts. It's too much. It's overwhelming. Honestly, it bores me and trying to stick to a schedule laid out like that stresses me out.

That's probably not a popular stance to take (depending on who you are talking to), but it's honest.

Those lay out so many chapters and pages to read in a single day and it's impossible for me to do that. I can handle maybe a chapter at a time, but page after page after page....I can't focus on it. I don't retain anything and as I said before, it doesn't interest me. I don't know whether it's the language or the subject matter (hey, you try getting through the book of Numbers and remain engaged) or simply the daunting thought of all those pages and trying to understand and retain them. My head spins and I go back to whatever else I was reading before I stopped for what feels like the obligatory reading.

Whatever it is, I just can't do it. Or maybe I won't do it. I have many petulant child moments in my life where I simply refuse to do something because it's either too hard or too boring or I simply don't want to do it. That may be the case here. Have I simply tried, but not tried hard enough? Because I love to read and can read for hours, just not the Bible.

I try to cut myself some slack because I know I'm not alone in this, I can't be. Other people have to feel the way I do. Then I start to wonder if I should push myself, force myself, to read it whether I really want to or not, but that seems like just as bad of an idea. I've never felt like God wanted someone to be forced into belief or worship or spending time with him. I mean, would anyone want that? I want people to spend time with me because they want to, not because they feel that they have to. I think God is the same.

That doesn't really solve my problem of wishing I enjoyed reading the Bible though. I could push and push myself to do it, but I'm not sure that's the way to go about it either. I don't know that I'll get anything out of it that way. So now I just wait and consider whether I am missing something that should be a "yes" - even if it's really, really hard - because it's easier to make it a "no".

Sometimes it's a numbers game

I knew what I wanted to write about earlier today, when I was unable to spend any time whatsoever writing, but not I’m not so sure. I guess I’ll type and see what comes out.

I had some thinking time on my hands this morning while I was proctoring an exam and I started thinking about how annoying it must be for my Facebook friends to see constant posts from me about any weight loss I’ve had or when someone says something nice to me at work (as happened yesterday). I realize it must get very annoying to have someone throwing out things like that all the time and it certainly gives an unrealistic impression of what a person’s life is like. Nothing is all happy hearts and flowers all the time. But then again, who wants to hear about the crappy parts of someone’s life? 

When it comes to something positive happening to or being said to me, I can’t seem to help myself but to share it on social media. I thought about why that is and the reality, you see, is that in my life no one is throwing around compliments. Now, no one is throwing around insults either and my family loves me and all that stuff, but in general, the world doesn’t usually throw the niceties in my direction. Well, not about how I look, anyway and yeah, I guess it’s a sore spot. So if someone tells me I look nice or they like my outfit or that I look good (due to my weight loss), well, I can’t seem to help myself. 

I know that the number on the scale should not matter, but dammit, it does! I can’t help it, but it does. Since I have lost 35 pounds this year I am more comfortable in my own skin. I am not now nor will I ever be a skinny person. Even if I lose more weight (and I would like to), I’m never going to be a small girl. That’s just my reality. But being comfortable in my skin means so much to me. It makes me more confident over all, just in daily life. I have a spring in my step – possibly literally as I have noticed I move quicker than I used to – and I’m just happier. I don’t feel pretty and I sure wish I did, because I’d love to know what it’s like to go through at least one day in life feeling pretty, but I frequently feel sassy and am working on my confidence level in general, so good for me.

I think I started recognizing the physical changes one day as I was getting dressed for work and realized that my butt was smaller. Oh, it’s not smaller in width, but it’s flatter for sure. I was pretty shocked, even though I knew my pants were looser. And my shoulders! Can we talk about my shoulders for a minute? I think they are my favorite body part now because I see and feel the tone in them. I’d like to lift and tuck other body parts, but my shoulders make me very happy.

The point of all of this? Well, I’m not really sure. I love how I am happier in my body than I used to be, but I sure wish I could get my mindset in a better place. Never did I assume that losing weight would change my life in some dramatic way other than needing to buy some new clothes. I’m naïve, but not that naïve. Perhaps I just have to work to build a new brain while I’m also working to build this new body.

The Year of Yes

This is one of those times when I remember that I have a blog, a very unused blog, but it's still here and so I am, so maybe I can write more in the future. I'm not sure I've ever worried whether people are reading it or not, which is probably good since who knows if anyone does. But sometimes you just want to put things out there into the world and have that cathartic experience and blogs are definitely good for that.

My brain has been all mixed up with so many things this past week and the capper today was learning that a friend and colleague passed away last night. If I am not handling it well, I know that tomorrow at the office is going to be simply horrible. I've been trying to divert myself all day from thinking about it and where I'd usually turn to food to make me feel better, I'm planning to lace up my shoes and get out and get moving once I type up this blog. I need fresh air and time with my thoughts and with God. So many things going on that I just do not understand and God hasn't been providing any clear answers so my brain refuses to shut down. Maybe soon.

That said, I usually make loud noises about it being the "Month of Shannon" in October since my birthday was the 15th, but with the SC floods a few weeks ago, I haven't been quite myself. I was fortunate enough not to have lost home or property, but it was impossible not to have been effected by things. My days, weeks, seem to have been thrown off and now the month is nearly done and I can hardly remember any of it happening at all.

I did manage to have a very nice birthday though. Or at least the day after. My birthday itself was quite normal and dull, but I am not complaining. I had to work and usually I take the day off, so I really celebrated the day after with a fabulous bucket list concert - getting to see Night Ranger perform live! I've loved them for over 30 years so finally seeing them live was a dream (melodramatic to call it that, but such is life and such am I).

Hello boys, I love you!! Such a great birthday gift to see them perform "When You Close Your Eyes" live. I pretended it was all just for me. I know it was. I just know it.

Just a bonus that it was also Foreigner and Def Leppard headlining the bill. Four hours of hits with three great bands. You can't complain about that.

Def Leppard, rockin' their hits. Loved the show and this band! Now I'm on a kick of updating my DL CD library with 3 on the way this week. Can't ever have too much good music, right? Right!

With strange things afoot (and nary a Circle K in sight), I declared to a co-worker last week that this year, between my 44th and 45th birthdays, would be the "Year of Yes". Meaning that I would take advantage of opportunities that come my way by saying "yes" whenever possible. That's how I ended up buying Jackson Browne concert tickets the other day when I'm not sure how many Jackson Browne songs I can actually name. But I know enough about the man and his music to know that I didn't want to miss his acoustic tour coming through town in a few months, so tickets were purchased, a friend secured to attend, and in January we'll be sitting there enjoying the show.

Cake. Sometimes it's what's for breakfast. Not my birthday cake, but since I didn't have cake on my actual birthday, this seemed like a good idea. Or at least an idea that was totally going to happen.

I can't say exactly how I am defining the "Year of Yes" (or if it should really be subject to much of a definition), but I'll work it out as I go along. Mostly it's just being open to what comes along. I am very much a homebody. I like to come home after work and crash with a good book and some dinner and get to bed early. I love sleep, so more is merrier to me. I have friends, but most are married and have kids, so as a single person it can be a challenge to find people who want to go places and do things. But again, I'm happy to be at home. It's just not conducive to, well, doing more than being at home alone watching TV. Making friends gets harder with age and all the commitments that come with being an adult, so giving myself a push out into the world can't be a bad thing.

I have at least one friend who always asks if I am dating anyone, so let me just say that I date once every 10 years. That's how it seems to go (because it's hard to date when no one asks you), so right now I'm good until 2020. I don't foresee that changing in the coming year, but if asked, I suppose I'd say yes. That sounds bad, doesn't it? "I suppose I'd say yes", like it's a burden to have someone want to date you. You have to draw the line somewhere and usually I do that at ritual sacrifice, so yeah, going on a date would be a yes, but please no one hold their breath on that one. History proves that I am just not a girl that men are attracted to and want to date. At least not men that I am attracted to and I believe that it has to be mutual. But it's ok. I roll with it.

The weekend has basically slipped away from me now, so I should get up and get out. Hell, I might even run a little bit. It's like I'm a pod person since I lost some weight, but in the best way possible. I'm down 35 pounds now and never thought I would be able to make that happen. I'm sure people are tired of seeing me post about it on Facebook, but if there is ONE person out there in the world who can see that I have been able to do this and finds even a tiny bit of motivation, then it's worth it.

Oh wait. Someone on social media just said it was 80 degrees and humid outside. Um...I hate that kind of weather. Maybe the walking/running thing will have to wait for another day, while I go dust and empty the trash. Yep. Living an exciting life right here baby, but hey, it's the Year of Yes. Anything can happen, right? Maybe just about anything at all if I'm willing to take a chance and say yes.

Looking for - and learning to be - happy and grateful

I've wandered off for 7 months or so and basically ignored this blog, mostly because I haven't had anything to say. Shocking, I know, to those who know me well as I always, always seem to have something to say.

Once upon a time, when I put together a weekly newsletter for my then-church's singles ministry, I would often feel compelled to share a little bit of something with my friends in that ministry. I was usually careful to pray about it before writing anything because I often felt that I enjoyed the feedback I received on my newsletters a bit too much. I wanted it to be about something that felt like it needed to be shared, rather than about how much I might like having someone email me back and say that they appreciated my words. There's not really anything wrong with that appreciation, but it can easily go to your head. I admittedly like the attention. Hence, blogs like this one. *grin*

But what do you talk about when you feel like you've run out of things to say? I can't imagine how hard it is for writers to face something like that when they make their living telling stories and sharing their voice with the world.

These days I'm just trying to stay afloat. My nature is to always want the new, the different. To crave change (which is funny since I also tend to live with at least one foot firmly planted in the 1980s). I like the idea of living in different places, having different jobs. My co-worker has been in the same job here for the better part of 30 years and I can't even fathom that. It sounds like prison to me, more than security.

I'm trying to pause a little bit more now. To be thankful. To appreciate my life and the world around me. Nothing is perfect and my life is certainly far from it, but I'm trying to sort out this jumbled mass of crazy that is my existence on this planet. Sometimes that means standing in the parking lot at work for a few minutes to let the spring breeze wash over me and listen to the early morning birds calling back and forth. Other times it's reminding myself that my arthritic feet and back may ache a bit, but I was able to get up and walk on my own and didn't have to give it a 2nd thought. My eyes can see, my ears can hear. My car cranked this morning and I had a job to go to that pays the bills and doesn't make me miserable.

Scents are big with me I have discovered and they remind me of people and places, of (mostly) good times. I have some perfume that I use often that I bought while in Charleston visiting my friend Elizabeth last year, so when I wear it it reminds me of getting to visit with her. I brew up some caramel apple spiced tea now and then, which takes me back to vacation in Virginia last August when my friend Cindy and I walked into a shop that smelled very much like that tea. There's a lotion I like, scented with aloe, that I must have taken with me when I traveled to Australia in the 90s because one whiff takes me right back to that time and those experiences in a place I had always dreamed of visiting. I'm so appreciative of the good memories that I can keep carrying with me.

I'm not the most social person (again, those who know me well are laughing and scratching their heads over that, but it's true! I'm an introvert by nature.) so I'm trying to be more so when I can be. My volunteer work requires that I speak to the public, so that's a good push. I have always loved and been connected to community theater, both on and off the stage, and I found a theater in town to volunteer with (after only 3 years of living here, haha) and hopefully I'll get to work with them more in the future as well. It's hard for me to talk to new people, but I'm trying.

I've struggled my entire life with my weight and put myself into a research study this year that forced me to count calories and deal with the reality of the situation and so far I've lost about 15 pounds. I had given up hope that I'd be able to ever accomplish that, but now it's becoming part of who I am. I watch serving sizes, count calories, try to get more exercise and enough sleep, and I am seeing progress. I notice when I walk down the hall at work that I feel lighter - whether it's a spring in my step (I can be annoyingly perky some days) or the fact that my joints truly are carrying a lighter weight, I don't know, but whatever it is, it makes me happy. And I deserve to be happy. We all do. I'm not always sure how to make that happen, but I'm trying.