tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58830530242486613672024-03-06T02:05:42.431-05:00Blonde AmbitionI'm (fake) blond. Sometimes I'm ambitious. Usually I'm just hungry.Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.comBlogger124125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-73026326820438246542018-07-26T20:36:00.002-04:002018-07-26T20:58:06.363-04:00Did He Really Think We Wouldn't Find Out?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">As
soon as I saw the message alert pop up, I knew. I felt it in my gut. Before I
even read her message, I knew what was about to happen.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">After
reading the most recent blogs I’d written, an old friend from high school send
me a private message on Facebook.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>She’d
read them and nearly fainted. She was not exaggerating. Her reaction was so
strong because she’d </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">had
an almost identical relationship with someone from our old high school. In her
message she said that the biggest difference about our situations was that they
began to talk marriage. “Or at least he let me talk [about] it, allowing me to
think he was on board.” </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">This woman’s message continued: “He also very suddenly
moved, telling me only a month before he did it. Within 3 weeks of his move, he
never spoke to or texted me again. Like you, I sort of knew all along that I
wasn't ‘in love’ with him but I did ‘have love’ for him and told myself that
was good enough. I have been in very few relationships in my life. Most of my
interaction with adult men of our age is them thinking I am the ‘most amazing
friend’. That made this sting and sting hard. No woman deserves to be ghosted
on. Shows what a coward both of our men are.” </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">As I read those words, I knew in my heart we were talking
about the same man. About a year-and-a-half ago, I had seen a picture of these
two individuals on social media, smiling and happy together, and had wondered
if they were dating. Less than 2 months prior, when I’d been exchanging silly
girls’ night texts with him, he had indicated that he was not dating anyone, so
I was very curious, but did not attempt to find out anything further.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Reading what she’d written about having been in very few
relationships in her life, I felt like I was reading about myself. We had not
been close friends in school, nor were we now, but I could absolutely relate to
the story she was telling me. I also knew I had to find out who she was talking
about.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I responded and told her that I felt
compelled for the two of us to figure out if we somehow were talking about the
same guy. I said I had no problem telling her who mine was. That I trusted her
with that information. It had never been a secret that we were dating as we’d
been out in public together and he’d met a friend of mine and he knew other
mutual acquaintances had been told about us. <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>But that was my side of things. I think he
only ever told one person, his BFF, that he was dating me. He certainly never
told his kids or family. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"> </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">The next message I received
solidified things – even before she named names. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">“I was panicked as I read your story
that it might be the same guy because our experiences were so very, very
similar including the slow burn build up and weeks and months in between hot
and heavy text sessions. Promises to visit or remember important dates, etc. only
to ignore them and blame work or his kids. People [who knew us both] knew that
he and I were dating because he would come out to [social functions with us],
but I don’t think he told any of his other friends or his kids, though. When I
cottoned on to the fact that he wasn’t telling any of his friends that weren’t
old high school people we both knew, I began to realize he wasn’t as committed
as I was.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Then, she named names. Of course it
was him. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I wish I could say that I was
surprised, but I really wasn’t. I quickly responded that I, too, had dated this
man and I thought we had A LOT to talk about. As an afterthought I said, “HOLY
SHIT is a good response. It’s the one I had.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Her response was pretty priceless. “Wow!
I’ll go as far to up it to HOLY FUCKING SHIT and I rarely use the f-word. I
also think he may have been seeing us during the same time period. When were
you together?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">It was at this point that I
suggested we talk on the phone and we proceeded to talk for an hour. We truly
did have SO much to talk about. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">We discovered that around the time
he was starting to ghost her is the time that things were starting up with me.
In fact, he hooked up with me while he was still with her. I’m not sure either
of us were truly surprised about that at this point. We tracked the timeline of
when he and I got together and it overlapped by about 3 weeks with when he was
still involved with her. They had talked about marriage. They had discussed
rings. When she’d mentioned being scared due to the illness of a parent and not
knowing what she’d do without her parents as they still took care of her in
many ways, he responded that he would be there for her to take care of her.
Then he vanished.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">O<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">n the day he moved, he texted me
that morning on his way out of town and then he texted me hours later when he
arrived at his new home. Conversely, she had asked him to let her know when he
arrived, but he never did. When she did text him to make sure they’d made it
safely, he curtly responded that they had and things were busy getting settled,
etc. Not quite the reaction she’d been looking for. Even when she asked if
being with her was still what he wanted, he responded with yes, but his actions
spoke differently. Much as they had when I’d asked if everything was ok and
he’d said yes, but it clearly wasn’t.</span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">One major difference in our
situations is that they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">had</i> been
friends when we were in high school. In fact, they had been hooking up off and
on since then – for over 30 years. Even when he was with other women, he was
still encouraging her. I write about all this with her full permission. She
encouraged me to write and share all of this as long as I did not reveal her
name and I won’t. Just as I won’t reveal his. It would serve no purpose.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">My friend isn’t proud of how things
happened or her part in it all the time, but I also understood when she talked
about how the need for attention and to feel that someone cares about you and
wants to be with you can be so overwhelming. When you don’t have that romantic
love, you cling to it when you think you’ve found it. Even if what you have
found is a mirage. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">What our conversation showed us is
the pattern of behavior this man exhibits. He can’t be monogamous, that much is
clear. He gets involved with one woman, but seems to have at least one more on
the side. I’ve put other pieces together and deduced that when he was flirting
with me via emails years ago and supposedly in a serious relationship with
another woman, he was also still involved with this friend of mine. I suspect we
weren’t the only ones.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">We often heard the same basic
stories – he was “so busy” at work or with his kids. Too busy to pay the time
and attention either of us wanted and needed. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">f the pattern perpetuates, my
assumption is that around the time he started to pull away from me, he met
someone else in the state where he currently resides. It would make sense.
Everything seemed fine with him and this other woman until he got together with
me. Then he started to ghost her. Until then, she thought they were happy
together. They had agreed – as he and I had – that they were dating exclusively
and around January 2017 she thought they truly were embarking on a dating
relationship. Of course, this was the time he was telling me he was NOT dating
anyone.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">When we got together, he told me
that he hadn’t been “lighting up the social scene with the ladies” in the past
few years and that he hadn’t had sex in about a year. His math was a little
off.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">So I am confident now that some
poor, unsuspecting woman has met and started to date him where he lives now. Or
maybe he has yet another high school classmate or woman from his past who is
hanging on. He seems to like the distance thing because that allows him not to
have to incorporate that woman into his life. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">We spent some of our hour on the
phone talking about our feelings for this guy. We both acknowledged that we
felt love for him, but were not IN love with him. She said when she was
discussing marrying him with her mother, she was asked if she was in love with
him. She told her mother that no, she was not, but she could live with him. Her
mother said – and rightly so – that that wasn’t a good answer. It boiled down
to how she could have settled for him so she wouldn’t have to grow older alone.
I think most everyone can relate to that. I certainly can.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I also found it particularly
interesting that she did not find him physically attractive. We agreed 100%
that he is very witty and charming and that is a huge turn on for both of us,
but when it came to him physically, we diverged. I find him physically
attractive. She, however, said she’d never really thought of him as handsome.
It’s interesting how we see some things exactly the same and others not at all.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">After an hour we ended our
conversation to try and get some sleep. Both of us spent a lot of that hour
bubbling over with earnest laughter. The situation is so utterly ridiculous
that you HAVE to laugh. The truth, as they say, is always stranger than
fiction. Oh Sumter, you incestuous little Peyton Place. You did it again.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I know I did not do anything to
cause the hurt this woman is feeling, but I am sad about it none the less. Even
amidst her laughter, she said she had roiling anger in the pit of her stomach.
This man crushed her and carelessly tossed her aside. He did the same to me, I
suppose, but to a lesser degree. After all, we hadn’t been discussing wedding
rings.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">The question has popped up several
times in the past 24 hours – how does this man sleep at night? Well, based on
my limited experience, he snores like a freight train and is lucky I didn’t
hurt him in his sleep the one night we spent the entire night together. I
actually think he has sleep apnea and one day might not even wake up at all,
but you can’t force someone to take care of themselves. To answer that question
more in the spirit in which it was asked, I imagine he sleeps fine at night. In
his mind, I doubt he thinks he is doing or has done anything wrong. Somewhere
along the way, he learned that this is how you treat women. He’ll never change
unless and until the women start insisting on it.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Did I get played? Oh hell yes. Of
course I did. I understand that. I am, however, oddly not angry about that.
Maybe I will be tomorrow or next week, but I was in a very good place when I
learned this information and I simply wasn’t surprised. Sad, perhaps, but not
surprised. I believe he is an unhappy person and that’s at least partly why he
behaves this way. Happy people don’t treat others like he has treated us.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I’m grateful that both of us got
wise to his game, even if later than we’d have liked, and want nothing more to
do with him again. Ever. There is nothing he could say or do that would make me
consider getting involved with him again.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me
twice? Well, shame on me. The third time will not be the charm. I only wish I
could warm all the women in his new home town before they get hurt. They don’t
deserve it. Neither did we.</span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-90288544605071682572018-07-25T14:16:00.000-04:002018-07-25T14:16:03.912-04:00It's Always Surprising How Nice Men Can Suddenly Act All A**hole at the End<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<i>This is Part V, the final chapter, for anyone following along.</i><br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">Videos
sent, I went on to work and my friend texted a bit later to tell me he’d gotten
them, but hadn’t had time to watch them yet. After silence for the rest
of the day and into the night, I reached out and told him we had to talk about
what I’d said and he asked to table discussions till the following day. I knew
he’d never bring it up again, but since we’d already picked a date for our next
date weekend, I decided it was a matter best left until we were face-to-face.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">Things
grew progressively worse as the week or so went on until we would see each
other again.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>We sometimes went days without him
saying a word to me. Finally, frustration limit fully exceeded at this point, I
asked if everyone was ok. Was anyone hurt or in the hospital or anything like
that? Because outside of that, I truly did not understand why he was ignoring
me. I wasn't sending some constant barrage of texts. He said that things were fine, but once again, work was so very busy. Was
he even still planning to come see me that weekend, I asked? He said yes, but I’m not sure if either of our hearts were in it at this point.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">I
give him credit for driving 8 hours that weekend so we could talk in person. He
didn’t have to do that. Unfortunately, what he had to say wasn’t what I wanted
to hear. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">He didn’t know if he could be in a long-distance relationship. Or ANY
relationship. He wasn’t even sure what we were to each other. Was I his
girlfriend? Sitting next to him on the couch, looking him in the eye, he seemed
genuinely confused about it all. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
H<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">e
said he’d been working 60 or more hours a week just at the office, while trying
to spend time with his kids and he knew he wasn’t taking care of himself. He
didn’t seem to know how to include me in the mix and asked what I wanted. I, of course, said that I wanted it to work.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">He
asked for a couple of days to get his head on straight and I agreed. I even
offered a little more time than that, but he declined, saying that wouldn’t be
fair to me.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">I
wasn’t exactly sure <i>how</i> to make things work, but I still knew that we
needed to spend more time together. Maybe now he would let me do some of the
traveling instead of him driving to see me each time. I had more flexibility to
take time off work than he did and I certainly wouldn’t mind.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>And while we weren’t at this point yet, I was
not opposed to leaving South Carolina and moving closer to where he lived. There were
ways to make things work if he wanted it to. If…</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">Before
he left, we went out for a late lunch and he didn’t want to hold my hand. Oh,
he did it when I reached for his hand in the car, but I could tell he didn’t
want to. Where once he’s INSISTED on holding my hand, now it was as if he was
avoiding any contact with me at all. When he left, he kissed me for the first and only time that day. I
didn’t realize it would be the last time he would ever kiss me.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">Those
2 days he asked for turned into a week and he did not seem to understand why I
was frustrated and upset. But dammit, I deserved answers! I was being as patient as I
could be, but leaving me hanging like that was unkind. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">Tired of what felt like the run around, I asked him to do a gut check, because he already knew what he wanted and now he had to tell me. I would expect an answer within a few days. The next morning, he said
his gut told him he wanted it work between us. He wasn’t sure how, but that’s
what he wanted. I believed him because that’s what my heart wanted. I didn’t want to lose him. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">I
guess we hung in there for maybe another month. I tried to be understanding and
let it go if we did not talk every day. He wasn’t lying about how busy his job
was, but at the same time, if you can’t find 2 minutes to send me a text
telling me you’re thinking about me, well, that means you aren’t. You make time
for who and what matters to you. Period. It’s really that simple.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">At
some point I stopped caring what I told him. I’m loquacious on a good day, but
this was probably overkill I know. I also don’t care. I had nothing to lose at
this point. Nothing. He was already slipping away. Likely already had, truth be
told. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">Regardless of what he said about wanting to make it work, I think he started
pulling away from me in February and by May, he’d long since checked out. I was
the one blindsided and left to struggle to keep the ship afloat. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">So
I told him what I wanted. How I thought we could work it out. I tossed out
ideas on how we could meet somewhere in the middle so each of us did some
driving and it took the load off of him. I even told him I was in love with
him. While I did feel love for him, saying I was “in love” wasn’t really the
right choice of words. Loving and being IN love are different things, but I did
feel love for him and I didn’t have a problem saying it, knowing full well that
he wasn’t going to reciprocate. That was oddly ok with me because at least it
opened some communication up for the first time in ages. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">I’m sure it also
terrified him because he repeatedly mentioned feeling overwhelmed. Not just by that declaration, but by everything it seemed. He said he wasn't ready for this...whatever "this" was at this point. But really, where did he think all this was going? Did he think I wouldn't have feelings for him, stronger than merely like? Did he think I would be ok with being ignored?</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;"> I don't know what he thought because he wouldn't tell me.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">On a Tuesday afternoon in early May, he responded to a text I’d sent with one sentence and
then…that was it. Nothing more to be heard from him.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">During
a conversation with my friend Jack a few days later, he said that in all the
years he’s known me, he never would have thought I would be the one chasing
after a man. He always saw me as the one turning down the men pursuing me.
(Side note: Who the heck has Jack known all these years? Cause it doesn’t seem
like it was me!)<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>After that chat,
something in my mind finally clicked and the next day I texted this man and
told him I was utterly confused about what was going on, but if he ever wanted
to talk to me, he knew where to find me. And that I would miss him, so very much. Then I did a few shots of peach
Absolut and cried my eyes out.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">As
predicted, I got no response. And as could also possibly be predicted, I kept
trying several more times to get one. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Yeah.
Sure. I told you goodbye, but clearly I did not mean it.” </i>I can laugh at
that now, but I so wanted things to work out. I just wanted him to talk to me.
To tell me what was going on. If he’d talk to me, surely, we could work things
out. Or at least I’d know why we couldn’t.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">About
a week and a half later, I did get one response and the last words he said to
me were, “I will talk with you. Promise.” I knew as soon as I read it that he
was lying. Perhaps not to me, but certainly to himself. I think he meant it
when he said it, but in the end, it was easier – for him – to ignore me. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">I
have sent texts now and then, when I have felt the urge, but never expected a
response. What I think upsets me the most is that we had become friends over those
months and I miss my friend. He took that away from me and I may never be able
to forgive him for that. I went through a stressful move and some life changes and I wanted to talk to my friend, but he denied me that. Maybe we were never
really friends at all.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">At
the same time, a 40-something year old man should be above ghosting me. Aren’t
we entirely too old for that sort of nonsense? Don’t I at least deserve the
respect of being told, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t know
how to make this work”, rather than the silent treatment?</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">I
was going to be hurt no matter what, but he didn’t have to do it this way. To
leave with me unanswered questions and confusion. He CHOSE to hurt me. He CHOSE
to do this. He CHOSE to be cruel.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">I
once told him that part of my anxiety (over the lack of communication) stemmed from being ghosted by a man a few
years ago. He would simply stop responding to my texts for no apparent reason. So,
for this man to then go and do that to me, it has felt very deliberate. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: justify; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">One thing that stands out to me through all this is how he said he wasn't ready to make me unhappy by being unresponsive. That's awfully funny to think about now because just how does he think it has made me feel when he's treated me this way? "Unhappy" doesn't begin to cover the range of emotions I've had the past 3 months.</span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">Oh,
the easy answer to why he did this is that he’s a jerk and I won’t really argue
with that, but I don’t think that’s really all there is to it. Maybe I give him
too much credit though. I’m sure his friends and family would say he’s a great
guy and maybe he is. To them. But he didn’t break their hearts. He broke mine.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">Maybe
there are reasons he’s still single (and I KNOW there are reasons that I am –
sweet Jesus let’s not get into that. That’s why I’ve been to therapy.) Heck,
maybe he’s met another woman and couldn’t figure out how to tell me. If so,
good luck to her. She may not have an easier time of it than I have.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">All
of that will remain a mystery to me and maybe even to him. When we saw each
other that last time, he said he did not like how things had been going the
past month, but he also said he did not know <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">why</i> he was behaving the way he was. And you know what? I think he
was telling the truth. I don’t think he fully understood why or was willing to
admit those reasons to himself if he did know. I will also never know why and
that’s something I must live with. It gets easier day-by-day. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10.66px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; margin: 0px;">What
I DO know is that he broke my heart and he didn’t have to. At least not the way he's done it. I didn't deserve
that…and he sure as hell doesn't deserve me!</span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-29344416538284055652018-07-25T13:22:00.003-04:002018-07-25T13:48:36.523-04:00Houston, We Have a Problem<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
For anyone joining the party at this date, this is Part IV of what will likely be 5 blogs in a short series.You can find <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2018/07/hey-this-guy-is-pretty-cute-and-other.html" target="_blank">Part I here</a>, <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2018/07/what-im-saying-is-that-men-and-women.html" target="_blank">Part II here</a>, and <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2018/07/mixed-signals-how-about-mixing-me-drink.html" target="_blank">Part III here</a>. <br />
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><b> Part IV - Houston, We Have a Problem</b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">The physical distance
between us was a challenge, but we were able to see each other several times
during the months we were dating. <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>We
even managed to pull off 2 visits in December. I was so happy. Just being
together was a real treat.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">A few weeks before
Valentine’s Day, I mentioned to him that I knew it was a Hallmark holiday, but
that it was going to matter to me. He knew I was shopping for a gift for him and
because I am a planner, it arrived about a week early. I’d told him Valentine’s
Day was going to matter to me because I wanted to avoid being hurt if my
expectations weren’t met. It happened anyway.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">T</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">he day before
Valentine’s Day he asked me for my office address. Considering the timing, he
had to know that I would be expecting to get flowers the next day. In the end,
I got nothing. No card. No flowers. No gift. I did get a text that morning, but
I was heartbroken. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">The work day had
been a stressful one and then the one time in years I’d been dating someone on
Valentine’s Day, he ignores it. I went home that night and cried. He was coming
to visit that weekend and I thought surely he would do something then. He knew
this mattered to me. I’d <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">told</i> him.
Surely he wouldn’t hurt me this way.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">The weekend came
and went and not only did he not say or do anything about Valentine’s Day, but
we also didn’t have as much time together as I’d expected. It was Presidents’
Day weekend and he’d picked it because “we’ll have more time together”. I
thought that meant we’d have at least 48 hours to ourselves, but we never even
got close to 24. I was so disappointed. On one hand, I was thrilled to see him because I
missed him desperately and was all full of goofy, lovey-dovey feelings, but on the other hand, I was so very
disappointed. I already knew that we needed to spend more time together. We
rarely got to see each other and something did not feel right.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I felt uneasy
and when I’d asked him if anything was wrong, trying not to seem desperate and
needy (while actually flat out saying I felt desperate and needy bringing it up), I was assured
that everything was fine. Work was busy and he’d get better at communicating.
When all you have is texting and the occasional phone call, you cling to that.
When communication started to drop off, I had to wonder why.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">It was during
that February visit that we also defined our relationship. It seemed like a
silly thing to have to ask at that point, but I wanted to be sure we were on
the same page. Were we dating? Yes. Were we dating exclusively? Yes. We agreed
on both of these things and he even commented that it’s always good to verbalize
that so no one has to wonder. I still wasn’t sure what it all meant, but at
least we were in agreement. Weren’t we?</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I
was sad when he left, but as always, glad we had some time together. I’d rather
have had a little time tgether now and then than to never see him at all.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Unfortunately,
things didn’t improve after that visit. We talked less and less and one day,
for the first time in 210 days (yes, I counted), we did not talk at all.
Nothing. Not a single word exchanged all day.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">After so many days of being in touch, it hurt not to hear from
him. Yes, I could have contacted him, but as the day went on I thought, “No. I
want him to miss me and think about me and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want
</i>to talk to me.” I didn't want to keep feeling like I was pushing. I was back to feeling desperate, needy, and clingy. I’d
expressed that fear before and was assured I didn’t seem needy. That everyone
needed attention sometimes. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">The
waning communication was on his end, not mine. I was still as gung-ho as ever
about dating him. I still wanted to talk to him every day and see him as often
as possible, but I felt distance creeping in. We limped along into March and
by the end of the month I was sad, frustrated, and angry. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Toward
the end of the month, I was having a really bad day. By that time, we were at
the point where I felt like I was barely hearing from him at all. Work was even
busier, he said, and I was trying to be understanding. The last thing I wanted
was for this to end. I wanted to talk to him about finding a way to spend more
time together. I thought that was what he wanted, too.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I
dislike talking on the phone and so does he, but knew we needed to try to make
that happen now and then. We were talking one night and after about 10 minutes,
he asked if he could call me back in a few minutes. I said sure because I knew
he had some important people in town for work, plus he has kids (teenagers,
actually) at home. Someone obviously needed something and I could respect that. After nearly an hour, I
realized he wasn’t going to call me back and I went to bed thinking surely he’d
text to let me know why he hadn’t, but I never heard from him. Not even the
following day.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">That
day turned out to be series of mishaps and frustrations at work and at some point
I texted and told him I could sure use some kind works to cheer me up. I never heard from him that day at all. Sad and
frustrated, the next day I sent him a couple of short videos. In the past I had occasionally
sent little 30 second videos to him because I thought it was more personal. A nice way to say hi across the miles. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">This
time I did it because I wanted him to know I was hurt by his lack of
responsiveness, but knowing how tricky interpretation of the written word can
be, I didn’t want to come off like some deranged harpy, screaming at him
for not paying attention to me. I was more hurt than angry and while I’d
suppressed the Valentine’s Day hurt until we could talk in person, this
couldn’t wait. I’d shed more tears over this man in the past few months than I
can recall ever crying about anyone or anything. I couldn’t keep doing it.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">In
those short videos I told him how it hurt me that he hadn’t bothered to let me
know he couldn’t call me back the other night and how ignoring me the previous
day also stung. Then I was open and honest and told him I didn’t have a lot of
relationship experience and therefore didn’t know “the rules”, whatever the
hell they might be. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">We
used to have what seemed like open, honest communication and were always
talking about how much we missed each other. But now I wasn’t sure he wanted me
to tell him I missed him and couldn’t wait to see him again. <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I was confused and he still wasn’t shedding any
light on things. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">My
anxiety was through the roof and I knew that in spite of all the denials, <i>something</i>
was wrong.</span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-85486173006627951372018-07-24T12:40:00.000-04:002018-07-25T13:39:50.165-04:00Mixed Signals? How About Mixing Me a Drink Instead<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">As previously stated, I am The
Clueless Wonder when it comes to signals from men, so initially I thought I was
being rejected. My friend had been surprised by my offer, but after a couple of
days' chit chat and some clarification from him, we decided one morning that he
would come over that evening. Once again, no expectations were being placed on
each other or for anything to actually happen. At the very least, it would be
chatting with and saying goodbye to a friend. At most, well…sex. That was the
plan, right? </span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Our evening together was very,
very nice. (What? You thought you were going to get details??) We sat on my
couch for 3 hours talking about anything and everything (and maybe even some
people we both know) before he ever tried to kiss me. To be honest, I was
getting to the point where if he didn’t make a move soon, I was going to ask
him to leave so I could go to bed because it was getting late and I was tired! Hahaha
But I’d decided that since I had made a big first move by inviting him over, it
was up to him to take it any further. I mean, he might have changed his mind!
Although, when faced with no-strings-attached sex, I’m not sure what man is
going to turn that down.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The next day, I deliberately
did not contact him, nor was I upset or wondering if I’d hear from him. No
strings was MY idea after all. I truly had zero expectations except that maybe
when I texted him in six months to see how life was treating him that he wouldn’t
be a jerk. The previous night when he made it home safely, he texted to say
he’d had a wonderful time, so that was good enough for me.</span></span></span></span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Around lunch time, the first
texts from him started to arrive. All about what was going on with the move.
You know, all the normal stuff people talk about if they are friends or lovers.
Eventually, I told him to knock it off because being nice and sweet wasn’t fair
when we were about to have hundreds of miles between us. Oh, did I forget to
mention that we got together 2 DAYS BEFORE HE MOVED???? Yeah. That. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">But you know what? He didn’t
stop. He kept texting me and really selling himself as a great guy. I tried to
fight it. All the feels and crap like that. I honestly did. This wasn’t what I
wanted!! This wasn’t what we’d agreed on, dammit!! He was making me like him. Not
just like him, but…“like-like” him and that was totally unfair. He thought it
was funny when I told him to stop being so appealing and basically laughed at
me and told me he’d be happy to see me again. The bastard. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">After about a week of that, I
asked him didn’t he think it was crazy for us to be doing “this” – whatever
“this” was? He said let’s not label it, just enjoy it and see where it might
go. And so we did.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">We had a lot of fun with this
texting relationship, which is what it was and kind of has to be these days
with hundreds of miles between you. We talked every day, not constantly, but
throughout the day. Soon enough we were planning to see each other again for
some birthday celebrations. I do love my birthday. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">As time went on – it would be
10 ½ weeks between our first and second dates – we got to know each other
through those messages. We discovered we had a lot in common and we also discovered
that we genuinely liked each other. We became friends and each commented on how
happy we were that that had happened. Better than that, we both could not wait
to see each other again. I hadn’t felt that way in a long, long time. I was all
in with my attraction to him and enjoying being ridiculously smitten. Thank
goodness that feeling was mutual. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">W<span style="color: black;">e did get together after
those 10 ½ weeks and each admitted to being a little nervous beforehand since
it wasn’t like we’d been on a real date before. We were looking forward to
spending time together and getting to hold hands and do normal dating stuff. In
fact, he <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">insisted</i></span><span style="color: black;"> on holding my hand
in the car and while walking down the street. I tried to protest while he was
driving, but he was having none of it. He wanted to hold my hand and I wasn’t
going to argue. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: black;">Unfortunately after that date,
we were back once again to time and distance playing an unwelcome part in our
romance. Ummm…was it a romance? A relationship? Were we dating? Well, we still
hadn’t defined it, but I didn’t care because we were together in whatever
capacity because we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wanted</i></span><span style="color: black;"> to be and
it made both of us very happy. We weren’t ignorant of the obstacles or the
distance between us, but why rock the boat until and unless you have to. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">A couple of months later we
managed to get together again and, again, were both so happy to spend time
together. I remember sitting in the movie theatre, holding hands once again,
and turning to look at him and finding he was already looking at me. We both
had goofy grins on our faces. It’s one of my favorite memories. When you don’t
have the ability to see someone regularly or easily, I think you appreciate the
little things a little bit more.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">T<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;">he goodbyes continued to suck
like a Hoover, but once again, knowing that someone is missing you and thinking
about you and can’t wait to see you again, well, that’s pretty wonderful.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Until it’s not.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">And they don’t. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">And you aren’t sure why.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<br /></div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-11949459654524814352018-07-23T14:11:00.001-04:002018-07-23T14:11:50.360-04:00"What I'm saying is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I love "When Harry Met Sally". I really do. I need to quote it every day in life, just because. Not just for blog titles. For anyone who actually read <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2018/07/hey-this-guy-is-pretty-cute-and-other.html" target="_blank">yesterday's post,</a> here is Part 2. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">************************** </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">As previously stated, my friend would pop in and out of my life. I became preoccupied by other people and things, but whenever he reappeared, it was always
welcomed. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">A few years after I moved out of town, I suddenly found out that we
weren’t going to be living in reasonably close proximity any longer. This time <i>he </i>was the one picking up and moving on – quite literally. Now hundreds of
miles would separate us, but why should that matter since we were only friends?
And not even close ones at that. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">On the day I learned of his impending move, we had a
humorous exchange that actually tied in to one that had happened about 8 months
prior. Back then, I’d been planning a girls’ night with some friends and made a
joke about needing someone to drunk text while we were hanging out (the real joke being that I rarely drink during girls’ nights since I
have to drive home afterwards). I realized this flirty text friend of
mine was the only person who might appreciate receiving that sort of nonsense
and told him so.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">That first girls’ night, he humored me greatly with a lot
of silly banter. This was actually the night some friends questioned why he
wasn’t a good option for dating. As much as I enjoyed our interactions, my
trust issues have always been tough to overcome. Plus, it has always been my
experience that I misread any and all signals from men. Always.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Back to the more recent evening.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>My friend was informed that if things got
wild and crazy at this second girls’ night that I would try not to proposition
him. It was late. I was tired. It seemed like a reasonable thing to say to
someone.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>He chuckled and said if that
happened he’d handle it with grace and dignity.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, the proposition never occurred. My friends and I
were having fun that night, then I got busy and forgot about the whole conversation it until
a few days later when I received a text indicating his disappointment.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Hand to God, that’s the first time I had any
clue that this man might have more than a passing flirtation kind of interest in me. I
am just that dim. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">But now I thought, “Why the hell not?!” We weren't ever going
to see each other again, so if he rejected me, it wouldn't matter. We would go live
our separate lives like we always had. Why not make the offer and if he says no, it's fine. Turns out, however, when I suggested we get together, <i>he said yes.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i></i><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I should state here, in case it is somehow unclear, that this was a hook up. That’s all it was meant to be. I told him that
it was no-strings-attached and we agreed on no expectations from either party. We were casual
friends who seemed to like and perhaps even respect each other, but our lives
weren’t likely to continue to intersect in the future. I wasn’t looking for love and if I had been, it was…wait for it…in all the wrong places. Which became painfully
obvious later on.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><i></i></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><i>To be continued...</i></span></span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><i></i><span style="color: purple;"></span><span style="color: blue;"></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span></div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-89144660749219426222018-07-22T18:27:00.001-04:002018-07-23T13:26:15.925-04:00"Hey, this guy is pretty cute" and other things you sometimes say<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Long ago and far away, I was in high school. Back in the glory
“daze” of the 1980s when everything was covered in neon and Aqua Net. Mind you,
I did not have enough hair to reach the true heights of Aqua Net greatness, but
I did my best to have my very own version of helmet hair. Bless my heart.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I went to a very large high school. At the time, I
believe it was the largest high school under one roof in the state. My
graduating class had 600 people in it. When I moved to SC to start high school,
I went from a junior high in Virginia with about 150 people in each class to
this mega-school and it was a change of pace for sure.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">This all being what it was, it wasn’t possible for me to know
everyone in my school. I might know OF someone or we might have friends in
common, but that didn’t mean we actually knew each other. Such is the case with
the man I was recently dating for about 8 months.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Back in the day, I knew who he was and we had mutual friends. It’s certainly possible that we actually met, but
I highly doubt it. I have a freakishly good memory and feel sure I remember. If
you ask him today, he seems more confident that we <i>had</i> to have met at some point,
but isn’t the woman always right? ;) </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Fast forward about 20 years, when we truly <i>did </i>meet
in person.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>We were at the same event and I remember he walked up to me and called me by
name. I’d seen him arrive and recognized him, but was surprised that he knew me. I don’t recall that we had any other conversation that night and am not
sure I thought anything further of the encounter. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Another jump of about a year’s time and our paths were crossing with more regularity. I took a good look in his direction and
thought to myself, “Hey, this guy is pretty cute” (Yes, I still call men
“cute”). I have no clue what he was thinking when he looked at me, but at some
point we did have a little flirtation, so one can assume that he must not have
thought I was a homely wildebeest or something. Ultimately,
however, he ended up in a serious relationship with someone else and that was the
end of that. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">For the next several years, he would pop up in my life
about every 6 months. As social media lurker, he wasn’t
one to publicly comment, but I’d get a private message and we’d do a little
catching up.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Somewhere along the road, he stopped seeing the woman
he’d been dating and I literally moved on to another city. We no longer had the
opportunity to run into each other around town, but he continued to pop up now and then. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">A few years ago, I finally got my act together and got
healthy. Well, healthier than I had been. I can’t claim I was particularly
healthy, but I lost weight and started exercising more. Paying attention
to what I was eating and actually – FINALLY – giving a damn about what I was doing
to my body and whether or not I wanted it to be in
decent shape. I felt really good about myself for probably the first time in my
life.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Due to social media, over the years I had also seen
photos of him and knew that he had put on some weight. I’m NOT pointing the fat
finger at anyone, because I know I’m not skinny, but for what weight I had
lost, it looked like he had gained. I still found him physically attractive (plus,
he is ridiculously witty and charming and that’s a turn on for me), but I <i>knew</i> I looked good with 40 pounds gone. I also knew he needed to see it. To see
exactly what he was missing.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">When the opportunity presented itself, I made contact to
see if we were going to be at the same event in the near future. In truth, I
already knew that we were, but I didn’t want him to know that. With great
deliberation, I knew I had to look as good as I could on those days we would
cross paths. I needed him to regret that he’d never wanted to date me or done
more than flirt mildly with me. My vanity and still-wounded ego demanded it. <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">We chatted a bit on-line prior to seeing each other and
when we finally had a chance to visit in person, it was nice. His charm and wit
was still fully intact. It was like chatting with an old friend, even though
I’d have called casual friends at best. Not that my new-found warm and fuzzy
feeling stopped me from making absolutely sure that the last time we saw other that
I was wearing a great dress and some killer high, high heels, so I did kind
of tower over him (we are about the same height). I am very deliberate
sometimes. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Truth be told, I actually turned down an invitation to
spend more time together on that very day and in hindsight, I wonder why I was
quite so dense. I guess I wasn’t reading that as a potential signal of any
greater interest in me and maybe it actually wasn’t. You’d have to ask him
about that. I think we would have enjoyed spending more time together. Who
knows where it might have led? Ah well. Regrets and such.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">After that time, we actually kept in touch with random
texts. I even remember once when he did not respond to me feeling a little sad.
A friend asked me that if he was just a friend, why did it bother me so much? I
didn’t delve into that at the time, but as hindsight is always 20/20, I can see
that my interest was more than friendly still.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Looking back, I realize we were flirting, but neither of
us was doing anything about it. I’d been burned before by him, thinking that
years-old flirtation had been leading somewhere, so he was going to have to
make the first move. When he didn’t, I assumed disinterest on his part and went
on with life. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have friends who actually questioned why he wasn’t a
good choice as a potential date and I said it was because I couldn’t trust him.
He’d flirted with me – again, very tamely – when he was embarking on a new
relationship. That’s not ok with me. And yes, I flirted back, even when I knew
he wasn’t really available so I’m not guiltless, but it still made me a little uneasy, even years later. Plus, as I have said, he wasn’t making a move toward us ever
seeing each other again, so I had no reason to think he might have a greater
interest in me than the occasional flirty text.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was wrong.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<i></i><span style="background-color: white;"></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<i><span style="color: blue;">To be continued...</span></i></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-56483753792710360332018-07-06T08:50:00.000-04:002018-07-06T08:50:01.873-04:00There is no joy in "swiping right"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So… recently I went through a break-up. I haven’t wanted to
write about it a lot (and I have realized that I only seem to want to blog when
I’ve got some life issues going on rather than when I’m all happy and sappy)
because, while I do think there’s a great story in how we got together, it’s
not one I can tell right now without crying. Yep. I said it. The whole thing
has made me cry. Like, at random times. I can’t even write about crying without
starting to cry. Go figure, all you people that think I have no soul. Well, I
do. So there. And a heart. It’s just broken right now.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But that’s not the point of this blog entry. One day I will
write about that relationship and that man, because I like the story, so I want
to tell it. I may even get up on a stage somewhere and tell it because people
who’ve already heard it do agree… it’s a damned fine story. It may not have had
a particularly happy ending, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the story wasn’t
worthwhile. So one day…but not today.</div>
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<br /></div>
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For today, I have some other thoughts rumbling around in my
head. As a little social experiment, I re-downloaded the Bumble dating app and
have decided to “swipe right” on every match that pops up. For those unfamiliar
(and be glad if you are), Bumble is sorta like a more female-friendly version
of Tinder. Well, I also assume Tinder is mostly about hook ups (I have never
used it, but that’s how it is portrayed). With Bumble, the woman has to make
the first move if each of you both have swiped right (if you swipe left, that
means you aren’t interested). You have 24 hours to make contact with your match
or it disappears and then they have 24 hours to respond or again, it
disappears. </div>
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<br /></div>
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By randomly swiping right on all the men who have popped up,
I’ve made way more matches than I would have if I was actually looking at their
profiles and picking and choosing. Hey, my family always said I was too picky,
so now they can’t say that. Of course, it was mostly my grandmother who said
that and she’s been dead for a while now, so if she’s still bitching from beyond
the grave that I’m single then those heavenly choirs of angels need to get to
work to keep her occupied. I’m just sayin’…</div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ll keep this little experiment going for a while now to
see what happens. Once I actually DO match with someone, then I go look at
their pictures and profile and see if we have anything at all in common.
Location is important too since my last attempt at romance was long distance
and we see how well that worked out. *insert appropriately sarcastic face emoji
here please* Then I reach out with some idiotic comment about the weather or
how is your day. Whatever works to get a conversation going. The trouble is,
these folks can’t seem to carry on a conversation back!! Oh believe me, I do
make some kind of effort after making first contact (there should be a Star
Trek TNG reference here…I just know it…), but much as I can talk and talk and
talk, it’s hard to carry on a conversation with someone that gives one-word
responses. Do guys really think, as a friend speculated this morning, that they
don’t have to make an effort anymore? Egads. And no thanks!</div>
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<br /></div>
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The truth is though, I don't want to meet a man that way. If
I am meant to meet and date another one, I just want to meet him like (I think)
normal people should meet - in the store or through friends or at church or
something like that. I'm sure in today's world it IS normal to meet on-line,
but that's not what I want. That's another reason I'll be angry with the guy I
was dating longer than perhaps I should be. We were two people who knew each
other for quite a while and then decided to get romantic and it worked. For a
while, anyway. THAT is the kind of way I want to get involved with someone. Not
by swiping right!</div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-38288712021665421762017-05-15T20:36:00.000-04:002017-05-15T20:36:54.212-04:00There's "Side Boob", There's "Underboob", and Then There's Just "Whole Lotta Boob"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Recently I jokingly promised a friend that I would [try to]
title a blog post “There's 'Side Boob', There's 'Underboob', and Then There's Just 'Whole Lotta Boob'”. So here you have that post, although I can’t claim it has
anything to do with breasts, per se…or that it doesn’t. Read on and judge for
yourself.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Y</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">esterday while scrolling through Netflix, I randomly
clicked on the documentary <a href="https://bodyimagemovement.com/embrace-the-documentary/ " target="_blank">Embrace</a>. It was “recommended” for me and I have no
idea what I’ve watched recently that called it up unless the Netflix Gremlins
were reading my mind and know how I struggle all the time.
Yeah. It was probably the Gremlins. Nasty little buggers.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"><b>Embrace</b> is about body imagine and all the things we
are told we “should” do or be. How our bodies are “supposed” to look (it’s
primarily focused on women, but men obviously deal with this as well) based on
what the so-called “experts” (or nasty critics) will say.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">I’ve chronicled many times <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2010/07/trapped-in-body-of-fat-girl.html" target="_blank">my issues with weight</a> and
my body and appearance. <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/01/no-longer-feeling-trapped-at-all.html" target="_blank">Some days are better</a> and then some days...not so much. It’s been over 30 years in some cases, but I remember being
called fat and ugly by kids in school. I can still name names, for crying out
loud! That’s how much it stuck with me. Sadly.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">I loved my mother, but she wasn’t a help in that
respect. In my lifetime, she was pretty much always fighting extra pounds. She
kept saying I’d grow up to be Miss America. Ummm...yeah. Not likely. My parents
never encouraged me to go out and be active or to join a club or sports team at
school as a way to be healthy. I’m not sure it even occurred to them. I just
remember how trying to eat less and being hungry or drinking Slim Fast shakes seemed
like the way you were supposed to lose weight, but there was nothing healthy
about that. Nothing at all.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">If it seems like I’m a bit body-obsessed (with mine,
not yours, although I’m sure yours is very nice), then I am. I know I am and I
hate it, but at this point in life I’m not sure I’m ever going to truly be able
to shake it. <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/05/coming-to-terms-with-size-of-my-thighs.html" target="_blank">Hopefully though I’m getting better at adapting</a> and not beating
myself up all the time.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Chatting with a friend recently, we were discussing
different ideas about the best ways to eat for a healthy body and how some
things work for one person, but not for another. I said that for me, </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">I guess I just want to have a better
relationship with food overall. One in which I stop calling any of it
"bad" and eliminating guilt over eating desserts and the like now and
then. Food shouldn’t be labeled “good” or “bad”. It should just be food. Food
that fuels our bodies and doesn’t torture our spirits quite so much. And
sometimes, y’know, comes covered in buttercream frosting...if we’re lucky.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">I've never
had anything resembling a healthy relationship with my body until maybe last couple
of years. It might still be rather warped and twisted, but I’ll be a
work-in-progress until I die, so I’m ok with that. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2015/10/i-knew-what-i-wanted-towrite-about.html" target="_blank">Losing 40 pounds in 2015</a> made a big
difference in my outlook. I don't like equating my happiness with a lower
weight, but I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">*am*</i> happier being at a
lower weight and being more active. Period. If part of that happiness comes
from seeing a smaller number on the scale, then so be it. I refuse to make
myself feel bad for being proud and happy about it (not that anyone has asked me to, mind you).</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"></span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Then last year <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/07/when-life-hands-you-lemons-go-to-doctor.html" target="_blank">I suddenly had to
start to know </a><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/07/when-life-hands-you-lemons-go-to-doctor.html" target="_blank">WAY</a></i><a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/07/when-life-hands-you-lemons-go-to-doctor.html" target="_blank"> more about my body</a>
than I had before. <a href="http://vaginismusmonologues.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Having to do all the pelvic health physical therapy</a> helped
me a lot. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">I
haven’t had the luxury of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i></b> thinking about my body and how
it functions (or doesn’t function). It’s not as if we all go through life in
our bodies and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">don’t</i> think about
them, of course. I mean, we live in them and we’re the first ones to know if
there is a problem. But I’ve spent more time understanding and getting to know
my body than I might have otherwise and that’s a good thing.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">And <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">*whispering…for some strange reason*</i> I
was willing to let a man see me naked for the first time in a looong time. Much
as I may regret saying it publicly, that also played a part in that body
confidence (when I have it…which isn’t all the time, I assure you). That guy made
me feel good about my body and gave me a confidence boost when I really needed
it. If for no other reason than that, I'm glad he came along. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">After all
that, guess what?<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I finally started to
like my body, just as it is. I mean, really, truly like and appreciate it.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/ah8fag6C6hI/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ah8fag6C6hI?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">S</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">ure, I
could be skinnier or not as squishy in places, but my body is also pretty
amazing. Plus I've got that "whole lotta boob" from the title and I think they are pretty amazing too, <a href="http://vaginismusmonologues.blogspot.com/2017/02/how-to-freak-out-your-friends-by.html" target="_blank">ole Zsa Zsa and Eva</a>. Hey, they're mine and they're real, so I'm gonna go with it (and vow to do my level best to never, ever show either side boob or underboob in a public place). And every now and then, I have this sneaking suspicion that there may be a woman out there, somewhere who looks at me and actually wishes she had <i>MY</i> body. </span><br />
<br />
Wow. Mind blown, but hey, it could be true!</div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">So, I hesitate in trying to change my relationship with food in a
bigger way than I already am (trying to eat healthier food with consistency and
not beating myself up if I fail sometimes) because I’m doing well right now
overall. At least for today. I’ll take it and run with that. One day at a time.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/hEIRghJaGes/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/hEIRghJaGes?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-81838148846421640162017-04-07T14:34:00.001-04:002017-04-07T14:40:22.743-04:00Anxiety Spoils All the Fun<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I am an extremely anxious person. I’m not sure if I
always have been, but as an adult it definitely materialized and I was diagnosed
about 15 years ago with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. When my counselor at the time
told me that’s what I was dealing with, I went home and did a search on-line
since I had no idea what it really was all about. After that, it was clear she
was right. Hello GAD. I am you. You are me. We are one. And then band played on…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/sXatoCG13tw/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/sXatoCG13tw?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><a href="http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/generalized-anxiety-disorder#1" target="_blank">WebMD defines Generalized Anxiety Disorder this way</a>: <i>“Generalized anxiety disorder (or GAD) is
characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life
events with no obvious reasons for worry. People with symptoms of generalized
anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about
health, money, family, work, or school. In people with GAD, the worry is often
unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation.” </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/basics/definition/CON-20024562" target="_blank">The Mayo Clinic web site</a> also has a good list of the
mental and physical symptoms of GAD. I can check off many items on that list
that I have experienced or still experience. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I’ve never wondered how I ended up with anxiety issues
because, quite frankly, that would just cause me more anxiety trying to figure
it out. I was diagnosed after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in New
York City, but I can’t say that was a trigger. At the time, I was living and
working in Dubai and had only been there for about 7 months when the attacks
happened in the US. I had never lived away from home like that – halfway across
the world – and was still having trouble adjusting to life there and making
friends. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When the attacks happened, my panic reflex kicked in and I just wanted
to go home. So I did. But months later, after finding a new job and moving to
another new city, I was miserable. I couldn’t make connections with anyone no
matter how hard I tried (Atlanta is big) and I hated my job. I was
all around miserable. The counselor I met with helped me figure some things out
and when I moved back home 6 months later, I kept seeing someone for a few weeks
to make sure that things really were better and thankfully they were.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">But…the anxiety never went away. I worry all the time
about what seem like the simplest things. I will rehearse the outgoing message
I put on my office voicemail for the days I am out of the office. I want to be
sure it sounds “just right” and that the tone of my voice is appropriate. The
words are correct.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Driving on the interstate wears greatly on my nerves.
I can’t be beside semis without having fear in my heart. Heck, driving period
can mess with my head. I have serious car paranoia. I worry if the tires have enough
pressure; is the right amount of engine oil in there; will any of the warning
lights come on while I am driving. The list goes on and on. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I bought a new car
3 weeks ago because my old car was having problems (oil leak, which I always
worry about, so sometimes I’m not quite so “paranoid” about things) and I <i><b>still</b></i>
can’t stop worrying about driving it!! I’ve calmed down a bit in the past few weeks,
but every day I have to stop myself from checking the tire pressure or the oil
and instead pay attention to the roads and other cars and drive the damn thing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I had a counseling session yesterday with my current
therapist (because <a href="http://vaginismusmonologues.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">the whole vaginismus thing</a> is going to have an anxiety
aspect to it as well, but who wants to walk around going, “Hey! I have sexual
anxiety!”<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">...a</span>lthough I suppose I just did. Ha!) and had been to the doctor the
previous day about some strange hormonal things going on. I told my counselor
that I was getting a good laugh at my own expense because I had realized that I
am more concerned about my car and it breaking down than I was about my body
and the possibility that <i>it</i> is breaking down. I fret over the possibility that
someone might hit my new car and total it and then I’ll have to figure out how
to pay for it AND another car, but when the doctor goes, “Well, we’ll do an endometrial
biopsy and check things and we’re running blood tests to see if you have a
thyroid problem” I shrug and go, “Ok. Sure. Ummm…does anyone have cake?” Cause,
y’know, I love for cake…priorities and all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Iyv905Q2omU/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Iyv905Q2omU?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Thankfully, the counselor and I could both find the
humor in how I fret over one thing (and I have flippin’ AAA and a 3-year
warranty on my car should something start to act up, so there is back-up here),
but the other thing is rolling right off of me. It’s not that I’m unconcerned
about my health, mind you, I guess it’s just that I live in this body, so I’m
the first one to know if something is wrong. I went to the doctor and she agreed
that things aren’t normal, so we’re going to work to figure out what’s going
on. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">But still, you’d think I’d worry more about my body
than the car. I feel like Binkley from <a href="http://www.gocomics.com/bloomcounty" target="_blank">the Bloom County comic strips</a> with his
Anxiety Closet full of all kinds of craziness. All those things that go bump in
the night or keep you awake because your mind simply refuses to shut down and let
you rest. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I don’t imagine that my anxiety will quiet down any
time soon. It comes and it goes with its severity, but at least I can embrace
it to an extent and acknowledge what is going on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So if you see me some time and I seem oblivious to what
is going on around me or cautious or reserved (Ok, stop laughing. I am totally
an introvert by nature!) it’s because I’m scared. I’m nervous. (Hellooooo social anxiety!) Am I am going to
say and do the right things? Are people going to judge me? What if I go
somewhere and nobody wants to talk to me? Did I try too hard? Did I try hard
enough? I have literally driven to places and then refused to get out of the car and go inside because I would rather stay home alone and watch TV on a Friday night than to have to force myself into a social situation with strangers. I've done it, but it's also made me miserable at times. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The mind races and I could go on and on about all the ways that anxiety can affect someone, but I think
you get the picture. It’s not always a pretty one, but it’s the one I have.
Maybe I used finger paints to paint it, but I think maybe I do my best work in the
abstract. At least I still try.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/b1gMlZHiAwI/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/b1gMlZHiAwI?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-35155002563652804682017-03-09T14:25:00.000-05:002017-03-09T14:25:40.369-05:00Into the Woods<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Last night I sat
talking with my weekly Bible study/discussion group (over beers, because,
y’know, it’s called Beer with Jesus for a reason) and the topic was Jesus in
the wilderness when he was being tempted by the devil. Three times Satan
tempted him and three times Christ resisted. Heck, I can barely resist
temptation once, let alone three times. </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Our group
discussed times when we felt like we were in the wilderness. Times when we felt
like we were being tested and how we handled those times. This morning driving
into work I kept thinking about how I feel like I’m entering into a time of
being in the wilderness right now. I can feel it, but this time it’s not a
crushing or pushing sensation. I don’t feel like the trees are crowding in
around me, but I can see them. Can picture them clearly in my mind. I’m walking
into the woods; through the woods. I’m sure of it.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Before I knew
just what I was going to write about today – or that I was going to write about
anything - the title “Into the Woods” sprang to mind. I recall seeing a PBS
telecast of the stage production well over 20 years ago now (wasn’t that
impressed with the movie) and the prologue has been stuck in my head off and on
ever since. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/LiGRPYmTFV0/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/LiGRPYmTFV0?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> The refrain of “into the woods…into the woods” has played through
my mind all morning. </span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods, it's time
to go, I hate to leave, I have to.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods. It's time
and so I must begin my journey.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods and
through the trees, to where I am expected…</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">“…to where I am expected…”</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">
God knows what we’re going through and he knows where we are expected. Even
when we do not. Sometimes I wish I could see into the future and then I pause
and realize that I really don’t want that. The older I get, the more I
appreciate being able to have honest reactions, even if they aren’t always the
happiest ones. I’m not sure I’d want to see bad things coming. I’m not sure it
would help.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Until last night
I don’t think I realized I was heading into the wilderness or “into the woods”.
I can pinpoint something that happened last week that feels like the starting
point, but really the wheels have been in motion much longer. That seems how it
usually goes. Things are building and bubbling under the surface long before
they make their presence known.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Oddly enough, I’ve
been remarkably calm about the crises and problems that seem to be popping up
all at once and that’s really not my standard MO. I feel like I’m a person who
panics and gets stressed out at every little thing. I often joke that I’m
paranoid about things – car troubles, appliance issues, health problems, money
worries…you name it, I always feel that I overthink things and worry oh, so
much.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Interestingly
(to me, anyway), one woman in the group last night was dumbfounded when I said
I wasn’t naturally a calm person. That I usually freak out when things
seemingly go wrong. She said she’d never have guessed that and when I said I
suffer from anxiety issues, she started to question her ability to read people.
Apparently I have a great poker face.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">What followed is
another lesson in perspective for me. I see myself one way and I have learned
in the past year that it is quite often a one-eighty from what other people see.
I’m pretty confident in who I am – or who I think I am – and then I hear from
someone else that that is not at all who they perceive me to be. God has sent
many messages my way the past couple of weeks about perspective, but I’m still
piecing it all together as to just what it means. I may never know, but at
least I am pausing a lot more to consider the possibilities.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The way is clear, the
light is good. I have no fear, nor no one should.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The woods are just trees,
the trees are just wood.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">“The trees are just wood.”</span></i><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> The
trees are simply there. Merely set pieces or props in the theater of our lives.
They can’t hurt me. They are simply there and we’ll pass by them all on the
journey and move on. Move forward.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods and down
the dell, the path is straight, I know it well.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods, and who
can tell what's waiting on the journey?</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></i><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Who can tell what’s waiting on the journey?”</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">
Well. That says it, I think. Or it at least says a lot. Who can ever tell what
is waiting for us just around the corner. I had no idea that <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/07/when-life-hands-you-lemons-go-to-doctor.html" target="_blank">I had a healthissue coming last year </a>until I hit that brick wall and realized something was
wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t planning on getting a new (or
new-to-me) car any time soon until the mechanic said I’d be better off buying a
new car than pouring a huge sum of money into repairing the one I already have.
I have to make a trip tomorrow and I know where I’m going – meaning I know the
physical location of the building and in what city – but I don’t know what may
happen during that journey. </span>
</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">ALL</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods without
delay, but careful not to lose the way.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods, who knows
what may be lurking on the journey?</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods to get the
thing that makes it worth the journeying.</span></i></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Into the woods…</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></i><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So
that’s where I am today. I’m heading into the woods. Heck, I may already be a
ways down the path since I only realized less than 24 hours ago that I was in a
wilderness period. But for the first time I can recall, I don’t feel like the
trees are closing in on me. I don’t feel like I’m in the middle of a dark
forest where I can’t find my way. Oh, that may happen the further I head into
the woods (I have no idea how many times I’ve used that phrase and refuse to go
back and count), but right now when I close my eyes I see the woods around me,
but the path is wide and the light is bright. I know I have to go through the
wilderness to get to the other side. There’s no way to avoid it. The journey is
not always joyous. It is not always easy and I don’t believe this one will be
all hearts and flowers either, but I am so appreciative of the peace I feel
inside – the peace that I know is from God – that is helping me stand up tall
and move forward.</span></div>
<span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span lang="EN" style="color: #111111; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Into the woods to get
the thing that makes it worth the journey.” </i></span></b></span>
</div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-90119087869660401542017-02-17T18:51:00.001-05:002017-02-17T18:52:10.987-05:00All I really wanted was a damn donut<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Until it wasn't. I was doing well until the last minutes of the work day when I discovered a crisis that I had to deal with before I left. Didn't matter that I had to be an hour out of town for something and needed to get on the road. This had to be dealt with.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, it also nearly drove me to tears. Without a huge rehash, suffice it to say that a mistake was made and I take my share of responsibility for that and hope that others will as well. The way that someone chose to deal with me in some text messages regarding this situation is what made me want to cry. But I didn't and we got things sorted out, if not exactly the way we'd want to, then at least in a way that covered the bases. The goal now is to ensure this never happens again. <br />
<br />
I hopped in my car and drove an hour to honor a commitment and the drive time, along with laughter at my destination, helped a great deal. Also the realization that if this mistake <i>hadn't </i>been discovered until today then the situation would have gone from bad to much, much worse reminded me that things that are painful or bad aren't always as bad as they seem at the time. I'd much rather have had to deal with yesterday than the potential of what today might have bene.<br />
<br />
I know. I'm talking in circles. I'm good at that, you know.<br />
<br />
As I drove the hour to get back home, I realized I'd never eaten dinner. I wasn't particularly hungry at the start of my drive, but as time went on, the munchies kicked in. More particularly, I began to crave donuts. Sugary, sweet; maybe filled with custard and covered in chocolate. All kinds of deliciousness in a circular form.<br />
<br />
The miles passed by, but my mind kept thinking of donuts. It doesn't help that I live less than a mile from Krispy Kreme and it was, more or less, on my way home.<br />
<br />
Back and forth, back and forth, I waged an internal war over the merits of stopping for donuts versus going straight home. I wasn't so upset anymore that I wanted to eat my feelings. I was truly craving a donut for the sake of eating a donut. But...should I? I haven't been the healthiest eater lately and while I haven't gained weight, I still haven't lost the 5 lbs. I gained last summer and doing so is important to me. If I stopped for a donut, I'd end up with at least a half dozen. I'd never take home only one and certainly wouldn't eat only one when I got there.<br />
<br />
So I drove down the darkened highway for a solid 20 minutes going back and forth about donuts. What would it mean if I ate one? It's not like I don't eat sugary desserts or candy every day (did I mention I cant lose those 5 pounds?). Would a donut (or 3) be so bad? I wasn't doing it because I was upset or trying to fill a gap. It was what I wanted. So why not get it?<br />
<br />
That was the devil on my shoulder talking and I was more than willing to listen. But then...the angel on the other shoulder chimed in, reminding me that having the donuts in my apartment would be a huge temptation. I'd have eaten them all by breakfast this morning and then how would I feel? Bloated and sick? Most likely. Would it be worth it? Cheap thrills are always just that...cheap. But that thrill...Dang it! How am I supposed to figure this out?!?!<br />
<br />
Decision time came and I made the right turn - literally, I had to turn right - rather than heading straight, which would have taken me to the donuts. To console myself, I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast this morning, but it wasn't the same.<br />
<br />
Now, this isn't just a silly story about donuts. While my brain volleyed the options back and forth last night, I realized that people who have a healthy relationship with food probably don't have to deal with things like this. They likely don't overthink situations and weigh all the pros and cons of doing something seemingly as simple as eating a donut. <br />
<br />
But I <i>don't </i>have a healthy relationship with food. Never have. Growing up, I remember my mother making comments about the size of my thighs (even when I was smaller, my thighs have always been pretty thick) and then turning right around asking if I wanted some Doritos. I got the double shot of being told I was pretty and being asked if I was sure I wanted to wear shorts because, once again, my thighs were big. My mother loved me, but she didn't teach me how to have a healthy relationship with food or my body. If I had one, I can't imagine I'd have gone round and round for so long about eating a donut.<br />
<br />
The final decision was easier than I thought it would be and I obviously satisfied my sweet tooth this morning with the pancakes. But the realization of how the debate in my mind was playing out kind of fascinated me. I overthink most everything in my life. Always have and probably always will. Some days I'll end up making the choice to stop for the donuts and maybe in the mean time, this is a lesson that will stick with me as I try to have that healthier relationship with food. I want that, I really do. I want to feel better about the food I use to fuel my body. I know how I feel when I eat a healthy meal and it satisfies my body's needs. I like that feeling. But as it is with so many things in my life, I wish it hadn't taken me this long to come to that realization. Better late than never, I suppose. Maybe that's my new motto.</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-87999484018181474152017-02-14T18:42:00.002-05:002017-02-17T19:00:40.969-05:00Life is too short to wear boring dresses<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">I was flipping through the January issue of Elle
magazine this morning and was surprised to find an article that really hit home
for me. I say “surprised” because, while I currently seem to be subscribing to
a lot of fashion magazines, I am not a person who is particularly interested in
fashion. I am, however, a person who is interested in freebies and free
magazine subscriptions make me happy. High fashion, however, mostly makes me
laugh. I am always fascinated that there might actually be someone out there
who would wear some of those things. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">I suppose that’s not really the point though, as I do
enjoy clothes and my own sense of style…whatever that may be. Honestly, I have
said many times before that I’m an advocate of Garanimals for grownups. It
would make my life easier if I didn’t have to figure out how to pair up various
article of clothing, but could let the little animal tags tell me to put the
sheep with the sheep or the giraffe with the giraffe. And maybe sometimes the
wildebeest with the butterfly, just for fun.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">So I flip through these magazines mostly rolling my
eyes at some pretentious, ridiculously expensive item of clothing that is
simply “this season’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">must have</i>”
thing. Yeah. Sure. Whatever. My “must have” is more like clean socks and
underwear and bras that hold everything up that should stay up and in. I’ll
never be high fashion…I’m more likely the best dressed person at the local
Kmart. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">This story, however, really struck a strong chord in
me because, for a change, I could relate. “This Dress Will Change Everything”
was written by April Long who is, well, I don’t know who she is, but she gets
me. Her story is about when she was studying abroad in London years ago, and
found a dress that caused her to imagine her life taking an amazing and joyous
turn. Her roommate spotted it first and bought it, but ultimately gave it to
her.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Long says she only wore the dress one time, but “It
was exactly what I’d imagined when I first saw the dress; I became, in that moment,
a version of myself that I’d always wanted to be.” </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Oh April. Girl, I get you. I really do. Because in my
life not only have I had a dress that would change everything, but I think
maybe I’ve had two.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">The first dress was the one I wore to the junior prom
in 1988. Now, don’t get ahead of me here and assume that an 80s dress couldn’t
be gorgeous because this one was. And still is…I just can’t fit a leg into it
anymore, let alone my whole body. Over the years this dress seems to have taken
on a life of its own. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/267658_10150363623782519_4670149_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/267658_10150363623782519_4670149_n.jpg" height="320" width="222" /></a></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">It’s not merely my prom dress, it’s The Prom Dress. It
always felt like it deserved capitalization. An elevated level of importance.
The reason being, at least partially, is that after wearing the dress, people
kept coming up to me talking about it. A girl I went to school with, but whom
I did not know, came up to me the following week after prom and complimented me
on the dress. Another girl even went out and bought the same dress at the
boutique where I got mine to wear in a pageant. And, in fact, it was a pageant
dress. Nothing wrong with that…just adding an extra detail to the story here.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Even years later, people were still talking about that
dress. It was fascinating. Still is, for that matter. I mean, sure, I might
talk about it, but other people? That was weird.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Maybe it’s because the dress was black – that was my
only requirement in finding a dress for prom – and the 80s tended to lend themselves
to thoughts of Scarlett O’Hara pastel hoop-skirted nightmares (apologies if
anyone reading this had one of those, but they were never, ever my thing) or
something in delightful neon colors (which I did wear more than my fair share
of and will again one day when they inevitably come back into style), but this
dress was one that I guess no one saw coming.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/1937167_162417117518_3536663_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/1937167_162417117518_3536663_n.jpg" height="320" width="176" /></a></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">These days The Prom Dress resides at my father’s house
in a closet since I don’t have room in my apartment for it. I realize that
nearly 30 years down the road I should get rid of it, but I have a hard time
with that. I would hate for it to go to someone that didn’t appreciate it or
that would do something foolish like cut it up and turn it into something else.
But I suppose that is part of moving on and moving forward – you have to let
things go and allow them to belong to someone else. I’m going to give that some
thought this year and maybe I’ll be able to find the right person to be the
dress’s new owner. I’d love to see it getting out and about rather than sitting
in the closet for another 30 years. Goodness knows I’m never going to be able
to fit into it again. Maybe someone else out there can.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">J</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">umping forward nearly those 30 years, this morning I
realized that I had had a very similar experience to the author of this
magazine article. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Just over year ago, I was out shopping one evening
after work. I don’t go out clothes shopping willy nilly, but when I lost weight
I needed to buy some clothes that fit me better. I’d spent decades wearing
loose, billowy clothes to try to hide the fat. To try and hide myself. Now I
get giddy that I can wear a size Large and am happy to wear anything
form-fitting. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">This particular evening I was wandering around the
store, not sure just what I was looking for, when I wandered into what I call
the “Much Too Young for You” department at Belk. I think it’s called Young
Contemporary. Either way, probably not where a 40-something female should be
shopping, but who says I can’t make my own rules. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Checking out the sale rack I found a super cute LBD –
Little Black Dress. It had an open back. It had fringe. It was just happiness
on a hanger. And, it was size large. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Looking at it, I wasn’t sure the dress would fit, but
decided what would the harm be to try it on anyway. Just in case.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Well, it fit. It fit and it made me SO happy. So
happy, in fact, that I took some selfies in the dressing room mirror and posted
them on Facebook, which is very unlike me. I hate having my picture taken.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/12549133_10154491818372519_4143116219146190203_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/12549133_10154491818372519_4143116219146190203_n.jpg" height="320" width="216" /></a></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Once I got home, I added some fishnet stockings I
happened to have (still haven’t figured out how I had those) and some heels and
once again was so ridiculously happy that I sat around my apartment for at
least a full hour all dressed up, just loving that dress so much and how it
made me feel.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/LOMA4420.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/LOMA4420.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">To quote April Long again, “in that moment, a version of
myself that I’d always wanted to be.” The author also wonders “was that because
of the way the dress made me look, or because of the way it made me feel?” For
me, I’d say it was both. I loved how I looked and from there, I loved how it
made me feel.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; margin: 0px;">Since that evening I’ve only had one occasion to wear
the dress, a mere few weeks later to a party. It’s not that I wouldn’t wear it
again, but the opportunity simply hasn’t arisen and I’m not sure that it
should. I had so much fun that evening, I loved wearing the dress, and it
definitely caught the attention of various people that night. I felt good. I
felt pretty. I felt…worthy. I hate using that word because it makes it sound
like I walk around feeling unworthy all the time, but that’s the best word I
can think of. I felt worthy. Of the attention, of the good feelings I had, or
all the happiness bubbling up inside me. I love that dress because it made me
feel so good and that good feeling carried over and still does today. I won’t
let it go and I likely won’t let that dress go any time soon. Or maybe I will.
Maybe it’s time to take a good look at both dresses and see if they can be used
to spread happiness to someone else because I’m pretty sure they are both made
of magic.</span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-54658534531446494492017-02-05T13:28:00.001-05:002017-02-05T13:28:07.327-05:00The Vaginismus Monologues: Slip Sliding Away, a humorous tale of personal lub...I started a new blog specifically about my funny experiences with vaginismus. I don't believe anyone sees either of my blogs unless I post the links on social media, but I'm going to post links over here anyway. This is the most recent post.<br /><br />
<br /><br />
<a href="http://vaginismusmonologues.blogspot.com/2017/02/slip-sliding-away-humorous-tale-of.html?spref=bl">The Vaginismus Monologues: Slip Sliding Away, a humorous tale of personal lub...</a>: “All I remember is sitting up on the table thinking, ‘Oh my God! There’s lube everywhere !’” And thus we begin our heroine’s (um...that ...Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-10230290586069598102016-12-26T20:25:00.002-05:002016-12-26T20:25:29.747-05:00"We should probably all be more like those turtles sometimes."<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I was standing at the kitchen sink today, tidying up as one
is want to do, when I saw a tiny little soap bubble floating over the sink. </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It was small and perfect and clear and made me
think of Glinda the Good Witch floating around in “The Wizard of Oz”. So, I
stopped and watched it as it floated up and down, then out of the kitchen
entirely (this was a very active soap bubble) before coming back in and then
vanishing. Ok. So maybe I had too much time on my hands, but that was kind of
the point. Sort of. Maybe. I realized looking at it made me smile, so I decided
to keep watching until I couldn’t see it anymore. And I smiled the whole time.
Totally worth it.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">A few years ago, in another city, when I owned a home, I sat
on my driveway one day after mowing the lawn and </span><a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2011/06/up-up-and-away.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">watched a bunch of balloons float up into the sky</span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">. I thought about where it had come from and where it was going and
just watched. It gave me a nice sense of peace that I often find so lacking in
my daily life these days. Oh, I’m mostly happy these days, but I can’t always
say I’m peaceful. I don’t know how to simply pause and exist and soak up the
moment I’m in, but I’m working on it. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I took a long walk along the riverfront last Thursday since
the weather was so lovely. I enjoy walking when it’s crisp and cool, but it’s a
struggle to get outside when the temps are higher. We lucked into sunny skies
and highs in the 60s so close to Christmas and I’m definitely not going to
complain.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">When I walk with friends I will go further, but when I walk
alone it’s a chance to get inside my head. To sort through whatever is going on
in my life that’s not making sense or time to pray. Lately I’ve been praying
for understanding about some things going on in my life, but no answers have
been forthcoming. Since I am a champion at overthinking everything, I’ve
struggled with not trying too hard to make sense of things life has thrown my
way of late, but I thought a little time in nature would be a nice way to spend
part of the day. And once again, the beautiful weather certainly didn’t hurt
for motivation. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">With clear, blue skies and bright sunshine, I had a lot of
time to look around and enjoy the scenery. One of my favorite colors is the
orange in an autumn leaf and they were plentiful. I passed the first one and
thought I should stop to take a picture, but continued on as I knew I had 2
miles to go one way before I could turn around and head back. Didn’t seem to
make sense to stop so early in the walk when I could surely stop on my way
back.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I passed a few other things that made me want to stop and
take a picture, but my mind kept telling me to keep on walking. Get to the end
and turn around, then I could take pictures on the way back if I still wanted
to.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The trouble with that, I realized,
is that when I’m walking back the opposite direction, I’m not going to see the
same things in the same way that I did before. And what about the leaf? What if
it was gone when I came back? What if I couldn’t find the things I’d seen on my
way? </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Mulling over it all in my old noodle, I tried to divert myself
once again into prayer, asking God to please provide some clarity and understanding
about some things going on in my life. Then I heard a clear voice in my head
saying, “Just be in the moment.” Perhaps I was so busy looking for answers that
I was failing to really see what was around me. Oh sure, it’s all kind of hokey
and not the first time something like this has been said, but it made me pause
and realize I was pushing once again. I push when I don’t get the answers or
responses I think I should. I don’t </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">let </span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">things
happen – I try to </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">force</span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> them to
happen. Because that always works out so very well, right? </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">After that, I stopped to take some pictures. Of silly
things, I suppose.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCnQrK1AH-gjwNYsh8qaFtdd2iqt4XA6Q2lwHEeVInaaiONRUFElc4CK6-c2iVKyPsea3rVOXhLYVEm4-zBG2P2J0HozDrs2Hs42_2jnKX5Q6gDM4hvrUR-UjCNXfDOo87XLTO7QQkTpY/s1600/IMG_4173.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCnQrK1AH-gjwNYsh8qaFtdd2iqt4XA6Q2lwHEeVInaaiONRUFElc4CK6-c2iVKyPsea3rVOXhLYVEm4-zBG2P2J0HozDrs2Hs42_2jnKX5Q6gDM4hvrUR-UjCNXfDOo87XLTO7QQkTpY/s640/IMG_4173.JPG" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Spanish moss hanging so lovely from the trees.</span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbksW9X3FzYiiVlMZC27Q1hQ0cQBeOC5EmI1a7Kz9zFjrHODHL2e_QnOreyC5b-DXz1pwrAxoBW-d3djun0-6HFXSKsNBa3WFWSuROhKkuMHUqHhxTWPNT8VOb6srndsLAFwN191gIhcY/s1600/IMG_4185.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbksW9X3FzYiiVlMZC27Q1hQ0cQBeOC5EmI1a7Kz9zFjrHODHL2e_QnOreyC5b-DXz1pwrAxoBW-d3djun0-6HFXSKsNBa3WFWSuROhKkuMHUqHhxTWPNT8VOb6srndsLAFwN191gIhcY/s640/IMG_4185.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><i>The way the two bridges come together over part of the river.</i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKU1SkofY3vwNBaulxmgPI3DDVhb_f-Zrr8ssEx4GqoyBpvXXUnmJDJNOUcj4yk-UNUsPYVixoBKRgvPdxZLiLlaVSI55IM5p3OEoqS6BHTXo_nfnZpdNMokrvBba_1LxhB7sq1bscmwQ/s1600/IMG_4183.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKU1SkofY3vwNBaulxmgPI3DDVhb_f-Zrr8ssEx4GqoyBpvXXUnmJDJNOUcj4yk-UNUsPYVixoBKRgvPdxZLiLlaVSI55IM5p3OEoqS6BHTXo_nfnZpdNMokrvBba_1LxhB7sq1bscmwQ/s640/IMG_4183.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><i>Turtles sunning themselves on logs.</i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoWH5algbZQ6SoNHDPWrE0ETFOqVDrP1Wmqa8uoneRmQAQBNYfzl0CRYAGvNVfTnpKF-yCmFdAKyxdiYkdHbH4jCZuJHvT8iHd73NZOH-qioXwh49rRqOKv9GGNaZ-GnarjlO-EGoe-x8/s1600/IMG_4182.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoWH5algbZQ6SoNHDPWrE0ETFOqVDrP1Wmqa8uoneRmQAQBNYfzl0CRYAGvNVfTnpKF-yCmFdAKyxdiYkdHbH4jCZuJHvT8iHd73NZOH-qioXwh49rRqOKv9GGNaZ-GnarjlO-EGoe-x8/s640/IMG_4182.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><i>Debris from last year’s floods and this year’s hurricane.</i></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Whatever I saw that made me happy, I stopped and took a picture. I even stood still a few times and turned my face to the sky to enjoy the sun and the breeze that was blowing. I think the turtles really had the right idea. We should probably all be more like those turtles sometimes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It may have taken me a little longer to walk those 4 miles,
but it suddenly made more sense to stop. Because I was right…I couldn’t find
the leaf again that I liked so much. I had to look much harder for the things I’d
seen on my way because my perspective was different. I found most everything
again, but it wasn’t the same as the initial moment of discovery. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I’m still trying to sort out some things in my life (and
aren’t we all really doing that, all the time?), but will keep that subtle
nudge and reminder with me (I hope) as much as I can to stop and be in the
moment. Enjoy what is happening ,while it is happening, and stop putting so much
thought into the past or the future. Easier said than done, but a worthwhile
pursuit nonetheless.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-24923297420968570552016-11-21T14:31:00.000-05:002016-11-21T14:31:39.502-05:00Hush up! I don’t talk too much. I’m just a storyteller. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I often think about how
everyone has a story. Every person you meet on the street or pass in the
grocery store has a story. Something is happening to them – good or bad – and if
you talk to them long enough, the story may come pouring out.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Recently a friend asked
me what was going on with me. A pretty simple question or so it seems, but
clueless here replied with something like, “Eh. Nothing much. My life is pretty
boring.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Um…excuse me? Did I just
say that my life is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">boring</i>?? Have I
been living my life the past year? I thought I had been, but if I said my life
was boring or that I don’t do much of anything then I’m terribly mistaken. My
life is so UN-boring sometimes that I crave dull moments. And if my life was so
boring, why do I talk about it so, so, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SO
</i>very much?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I like to talk. Anyone
who knows me for even 20 minutes (or less, really) realizes that. I can take
the simplest communication and somehow make it infinitely more complicated than
it has to be. One sentence becomes a paragraph because you have to have all the
details, right? That’s the only thing that makes sense to me.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I’m fortunate enough in
my volunteer work that the gentleman I spend most of my Saturday afternoons
with, Jack, is quite a loquacious fellow. Usually if either of us are telling a
story, we have to tell you two or three backstories before we get to the main
event. I mean, otherwise how will you truly understand what is happening? Makes
total sense. To us. Not necessarily to other folks.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Mostly I figure I ramble
and I appreciate of the friends who allow me to do so. Yesterday,
however, I realized that maybe I don’t just ramble. Maybe I’m a storyteller.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I was out walking with my
friend Shelley this weekend on a glorious autumn Saturday afternoon and we were
playing catch-up on our lives. It had been a while since we’d chatted so we had
a lot of ground to cover and as anyone who has talked at length with me in,
say, the past 6 or 8 months knows, I tend to have a lot to talk about (and
sometimes that’s why I pay a professional to sit and let me talk to them). I
was relaying some details in a story and kept going, “Oh, but there’s another
layer…” There always seems to be another layer.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Thankfully, Shelley seemed
to appreciate and be entertained by my crazy life and I am grateful for that.
Although maybe she’s just really, really glad the crazy is in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i> life and not hers!! Cause y’all, the
truth is stranger than fiction and don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise.
You can’t make this stuff up.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Chatting yesterday with
my friend DD, I believe she’s the one who said, after I talked about all those
layers to the story I told Shelley, “Well, of course [you had so many layers].
You’re a storyteller.” </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Huh. Me? A storyteller?
And not, y’know, just a blabbering loudmouth? Hmmmm…interesting. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The Merriam-Webster
dictionary defines “storyteller” as:</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">a teller of stories: as</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">a relater of
anecdotes</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">a reciter of tales
</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">liar, fibber</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">a writer of
stories</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Hmmmm…well, ok. I guess
maybe I qualify. Except the liar and the fibber part. I’d never tell a fib.
Maybe a fliblet, but never a fib.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I do enjoy having an
audience and especially making people laugh. I walk into physical therapy each
week, look at my PT and go, “Have I got a story for you!” Truly. Every single
week. She actually seems disappointed if she thinks I don’t have one. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Life is nuts and if there is a way to make a frustrating or sad or otherwise difficult situation
better through humor then I am all in favor of it. Actually, I’m in favor of
making any situation funny if I can. I do so like to laugh. But I’ve never
thought of myself as a storyteller. Not in a positive way, at least. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Now, however, I think I’ll
embrace that idea. Yes, I do like to talk at length, but perhaps that’s not
necessarily a bad thing. The challenge going forward, however, may be to learn
to listen more to other people’s stories rather than focusing so much on
telling my own. On the news program “CBS Sunday Morning”, Bill Geist used to do
a segment where he’d pick a name at random out of the phone book (do they still
make phone books?) and call the person and find out their story. I always
thought that was pretty cool. Everyone had a story to tell when he talked to
them and everyone I know has a story to tell, just like I do. If you ever want
to tell me yours, I’d love to hear it.</span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-90219398714447815082016-10-21T13:22:00.000-04:002016-10-21T13:22:29.814-04:00Sometimes a broken bowl becomes a life lesson<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I realized today that God
has been testing my patience this week and I’ve been failing every time. I’ve
been moody, cranky, mean, and downright ornery most of the time (as opposed to
my usual sass and snark, that is). I’ve directed it at others, at myself, and
possibly worst of all, at situations over which I have no control. Nothing says
“big fun” more than stressing yourself out over a situation you can do nothing
to control or change. That’s a big one with me. If I am not stressing over something,
I’m not sure what to do with myself. I never pray for patience though because that’s
how you end up in a body cast for 6 months. Ain’t nobody got time for that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Monday kicked off my
anger and frustration when I walked into my office. Oh, going to work wasn’t
causing me heart palpitations, but once I got there I noticed that a bowl on my
desk had been broken. My <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">favorite</i>
bowl. I was very attached and starting the day off like that wasn’t my idea of
a good time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2012/02/once-upon-time-i-took-pottery-class.html" target="_blank">A few years ago I took a pottery class.</a> I wasn’t good at it and to be honest, after the first class I
really wasn’t into it. I was content to make a couple of bowls, say I’d tried
something new, and move on. In the end, I made about 5 or 6 pieces and was glad
I’d tried, but also realized I wasn’t going to be one of the ladies in that
class who kept coming back to each session and learning more and making more. They
were so into it and I love that, but it wasn’t for me. I’m not a particularly
artistic person, but I enjoy dabbling now and then.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The broken bowl on my
desk was one I had made in that class. It was the best of the lot. My favorite
piece and the one of which I was most proud and some nighttime cleaner has
smashed it and left the rubble on my desk. They didn’t even have the courtesy
to leave a note of apology or any acknowledgement of what had happened. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/8cfc6ce8-539f-4395-8dcf-2f6c5bcca373.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/8cfc6ce8-539f-4395-8dcf-2f6c5bcca373.jpg" height="400" width="357" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">To add
insult to injury, this person also decided it was alright to throw the broken
pieces into the trash so I couldn’t even try to repair it. I’m convinced that I
could put it back together again. Maybe I could and maybe I couldn’t, but I’ll
never know that for sure because I was never given the chance. I’d rather have
had the cracked and damaged bowl that was glued back together than to think
about those pieces being unceremoniously tossed into the trash. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/Bowl202.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/Bowl202.jpg" height="400" width="360" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was so angry that a
co-worker commented on how she’d never seen me that mad in the 7+ years I’ve
worked here. I just wanted to sit in my office and cry and to be honest, I did
cry a little bit. That was MY bowl! I made it and I was so proud of it and
someone else was careless with it (it <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">sat</span> on my desk in that same location
for several years without a problem). I was heartbroken. Now, I
realize full well that it is just a thing. An object. I didn’t lose a loved one
or a vital body part or anything like that. But I still wanted to cry.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">As the week has gone on,
I’ve thought about that bowl every day. I can’t bear to throw out the remains
of it. It would be a knife to my heart.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Yesterday, I held it in
my hands and just looked at it. Ran my fingertips along the rim, careful of the
broken pieces and sharp edges. I started trying to picture in my mind what the
bowl could become, now that it couldn’t be a bowl anymore. I knew deep inside
that I wasn’t willing or able to part with it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I thought about how sometimes
we have to take the wreckage and remains of whatever it is and turn it into
something new. Look at it from every angle. Explore all the possibilities. Then
create that new thing, w<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">hatever it is. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When there is no way for
something to be what it once was, do we take the time to imagine what it can
become? Or are we like that cleaner, who decided to throw away the pieces
without a second thought?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I’m trying to focus on
what the bowl can become. How it can be transformed with a little smoothing of
the rough edges. Maybe a little paint to cover the broken places. I love that
stupid bowl and I’m going to love whatever it morphs into. I’m grateful for the
times God takes a few minutes to smooth my rough edges, pick up my broken
pieces, and help me figure out what I can become when it’s clear I can no
longer be what I once was. </span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-85491554756386538502016-10-17T14:23:00.003-04:002016-10-17T14:23:28.377-04:00A year of living...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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I hate trying to find titles for my blog posts. It's a pain if one doesn't readily jump to mind. I once thought of titling my blog "The Year of Living Stupidly" just because it would make me laugh. Hmmm...I might do that or change the name to something - anything! - else because I'm not fond of the name, but that's a worry for another day. And not at all what this post is supposed to be about.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
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Last year I declared the time between my 44<sup>th</sup> and
45<sup>th</sup> birthdays to be <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2015/10/the-year-of-yes.html" target="_blank">the “Year of Yes”</a>. Last week I decided that
perhaps the time between 45 and 46 should be the <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/10/after-year-of-yes-maybe-its-time-for.html" target="_blank">“Year of No”</a>, but hadn’t fully
defined that. I still haven’t, but the more I think about it, the more I think
I’m on the right track with that idea.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Reflecting back on the past year, I re-read the blog post I wrote and the last lines caught my attention: "... but hey, it's the Year of
Yes. Anything can happen, right? Maybe just about anything at all if I'm
willing to take a chance and say yes." Honestly, that really seems to sum up the last year. Anything can happen if you are willing to take a chance and say yes. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Forty-four was a lot of fun. I’ve tried to chronicle what happened –
both good and bad – so that I could feel like I had a tangible list of what I
accomplished, but I’m not sure I could remember everything even if I tried. I
know I had some fun. I know I had some UN-fun. Life isn’t perfect and neither
was my year, but it was right. It was the way it’s supposed to be. Good or bad,
right or wrong, this is how it was supposed to be.</div>
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<br /></div>
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At times I found myself straying from the idea of saying yes
to things and had to pull myself back around, but for the most part I did what
I wanted to do and I think I challenged myself at times which was great. I
needed that. Heck, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">still</i> need
that!! I’m not giving up the “Year of Yes”, even if I’m morphing it into a
little something different this time around. It’ll just be the “Life of Yes”,
which sounds like a lot more fun to me!</div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve thought about what “no” means to me and right now, I
think having a “Year of No” will be about saying no to the things that are
hurting me. The negativity. The excesses (have I mentioned that I like cake?).
Saying no to self-doubt and self-blame. Saying no to beating myself up all the
time when things don’t immediately go the way I want them to go. Being aware of
the negative ways I treat myself or allow myself to be treated. There are
really so many things that “no” involves and they don’t have to be negative
things! Tell yourself “no” sometimes is the best, most positive thing you can
do.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So I’m off to embrace the “Year of No” and muddle along as I
figure out what that ultimately entails. I realized the other day that God is
testing my patience with several things lately and I am failing miserably. It's
time now to try to do better. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh, to hell with that! It’s time to DO better.
Period. Because not only do I know that I can, I <i>want</i> to and that matters a whole hell of a lot.</div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-61864197714999518972016-10-13T15:03:00.001-04:002016-10-13T15:03:42.579-04:00After the “Year of Yes”, maybe it’s time for the “Year of No”<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I’m going through a
particularly negative phase right now, building up frustration because my
physical therapy seems to be regressing. It was going pretty kick ass a few
weeks ago and suddenly it became harder and more painful once again. I have no
idea why that is happening – we haven’t changed any of the PT protocols – but
the physical therapist and the mental health counselor and I are trying to work
on it. My PT isn’t sure what is going on and my counselor thinks that my body
is conditioned to have sex be painful, so that’s its default. When I do the
therapy, my mind thinks, “Oh. Ok. Something’s in there, so it’s going to hurt.
That’s what happens. We put something in the vagina and…ouch. Ok. I get it.” Unfortunately, the
frustration I feel just circles around and around and then spills over into the
rest of my life. I’m working to fight the negativity, but it’s a challenge. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I suppose it’s
meant to be challenging, but I hate that this one part of my life seems to be
defining me now. I realize it’s all in my head (once again, I know that’s a big
part of the whole problem), but I get tired of feeling that I’m allowing myself
to be defined by what is happening with my vagina. Because let’s be real here,
no one but me really cares what is going on with my vagina. (Once again, this
is also probably a big part of the problem. Ha! I make myself laugh. I'm totally turning this into a stand-up routine when PT is done.). I don’t
think other people are defining me by that body part…and it would be creepy if
they are, so keep that one to yourself please. I guess I’m frustrated by my
frustration. Good grief but I’m a real piece of work!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Stewing so much over my
lack of PT progress has taken my focus off of being happy, which has been my
general state for the past year. Good things have happened, less-than-good
things have happened, but it’s all been a learning experience and while I’m a
little down right now, I don’t really want to be complaining. I want to pull my
head out of my heinie and see the brighter side of life again.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Last year, a few days
after my 44<sup>th</sup> birthday, I declared it the “Year of Yes”. I know, I
know. No one really cares anymore. I’ve
talked about this much too much. Not that it will stop me this time, mind you. The basic premise of the “Year
of Yes” was to start saying yes more than I say no. To open myself up to the
possibility of new experiences and opportunities. To give the universe the
chance to throw more things my way or, as I prefer to think of it, to be open
to the things that God brings into my life.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">It’s actually gone quite
well, in spite of a bumpy ride at times. Sometimes I have to push myself to say
yes when I’d rather say no, but I can’t recall much of anything not working out
for the better once I stepped outside of my comfort zone. Those bumps just wake you
up sometimes and keep you paying attention.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">For some reason I feel
like I need to put an end to the “Year of Yes” and I got to thinking this week
that maybe up next should be the “Year of No”. That doesn’t mean doing a sudden
180 by saying no to everything all the time though. I think it’s more about
saying “no” to all the negativity I tend to wrap myself up in. Saying “no” to
the things that will do more harm than good. Saying “no” to things like
excessive spending or excessive eating. And by saying no, finding that perhaps
I’ll be kinder to myself and right now I could use some kindness. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I’m still formulating the
parameters of this new year, but much like me in a yoga or Pilates class, they
will be fluid and flexible. Being so damned uptight all the time is what got me
into some of my current predicament. It’s time to say “no” to that, too. </span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-3094917661185686612016-10-04T20:30:00.001-04:002016-10-04T20:36:41.347-04:00I'm scared to death, but not scared to admit it<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Earlier today I wrote about <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/10/creating-my-own-monster.html" target="_blank">dealing with my inner monster</a>, the one that can't seem to stop eating or thinking about food. While driving home this evening I realized that I had left out a key part of all of that which is WHY The Monster stays on my mind. It's simple really. I'm afraid. Terrified, even. <br />
<br />
I'm scared to death that I'll regain all of the weight that I've lost. Or any of it, really. I've recently regained 6 pounds and I'm scared that it's the beginning of the end.<br />
<br />
If I regain that weight, I really don't know what I'll do. I'll be so disappointed in myself and kind of heartbroken, but more than that I think I'll feel very, very defeated. I worked hard and I did something I never thought I would be able to do. Losing weight was something I always desperately wanted, deep down inside, but I would never put the effort into it to make the dream a reality.<br />
<br />
Am I skinny? No. I might have been once, back in high school, but I'm never going to be "skinny" again or even thin and that's ok. I don't have to be skinny. I just have to be <i>better.</i> Better than I used to be and that's what I am today. I like the person who I am now. I always said I liked myself in the past and perhaps I did. I certainly didn't hate myself. Or did I? I know that I used weight to hide behind because it was so much easier than to stop hiding. Easier to feed the fear and insecurity with another cookie than face those fears and try to change. I didn't take care of my body or my spirit and that's certainly not someone who loves or likes themselves. So maybe while claiming to like myself, I was lying to everyone. Something to think about.<br />
<br />
The Monster scares me a great deal, because I see what it can steal from me. This newfound sense of accomplishment. The newfound self-confidence (if you thought I had it in the past, well, it was just a defense mechanism and it wasn't real, trust me). I've always thought that I knew who I was, but the past 20 months have made me question that. Am I who I always thought I was? And if I'm not, just who am I? <br />
<br />
I can't really answer all those questions - or don't want to right now because I'm jonesing to go take a hot shower - but whoever I am, I'm not the same person that started out in February 2015 with a determination to finally, FINALLY lose the weight. I don't ever want to be that person again and I'm afraid that The Monster can take it all away from me if I let it. I am happier now. I'm more active now. I'm definitely a snappier dresser. haha I think I'm more fun now or at least willing to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I wouldn't have considered in the past. I can say with total honesty that I like myself now. The way that I am today (possibly exactly today because I have on a cute blue dress and I'm seriously obsessed with the blue dresses for some reason). I'm proud of myself...but I'm still scared. I want to keep moving forward and not be dragged back to the person I used to be.</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-63228621252612184572016-10-04T14:39:00.000-04:002016-10-04T14:40:17.313-04:00Building the Perfect Beast<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "" "calibri" "" , serif;">I realized a few weeks ago that
I have become one of “those people”. By “those people” I mean someone who
constantly counts calories and thinks about what they are eating. Or what they
are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">going</i> to eat. What they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want</i> to eat. My mind is overtaken
entirely too much with food. Not that it wasn’t a lot like that before, but it
feels worse now. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">For years I said I didn’t want
to count calories, or do a plan like Weight Watchers where you count points,
because I didn’t want to have to put that much thought into what I was eating.
Then I educated myself – after all those years of admittedly very deliberate
denial – and realized I was never going to lose weight if I didn’t pay more
attention to what and how much I was eating. My whole life has been a struggle
with weight and while my health problems are certainly small in comparison to what
many people are juggling, they are still quite real <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">for me</i> and now I realize I’ve created a monster.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Every morning The Monster
wakes up. Usually around 10am, but definitely before 11. I can feel it moving
around inside me. Slowly at first, but gaining strength as the minutes tick by.
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tick tock. tick tock</i> “Feed me. Feed
me. I’m hungry!!”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I eat breakfast every
morning. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Every </i>morning. It is
confusing when people say they aren’t hungry in the morning and skip breakfast.
Those words don’t even register with me. I wake up and while I can’t eat
immediately or early in the morning (anything prior to about 7am makes me
queasy), I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have</i> to eat breakfast by 9am. Between
my stomach loudly protesting the lack of food and the genuine craving to break
my fast, well, it would get ugly if I didn’t have something to eat.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Meal prep has become my
Sunday afternoon routine. If I want to eat during the week, I have to get it
prepped or cooked on Sundays and that includes breakfast prep. I’m pretty basic
during the work week, eating peanut butter overnight oats with banana sliced on
top every day. I never want it on the weekends, but I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">crave </i>it on weekdays. In the past, it’s been very filling and kept
me going until lunchtime. That is, until I realized I had The Monster to deal
with.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The Monster starts moving
around and telling me it’s time to eat again mid-morning. I try to fight it,
believing perhaps it’s all in my head, but after about an hour (ok, sometimes
after 5 minutes…I can be pretty weak) I have to give in. Maybe a small handful
of almonds. Another piece of fruit. Although some days the only thing that
satisfies me is a small bag of chips or a granola bar. Drinking water does
nothing to curb my appetite, though I wish it did. I must drink a gallon a day
as it is, but I do try calming The Monster down with water sometimes, just in
case I’m really thirsty and not hungry.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There’s certainly nothing
wrong with a snack now and then, but once I start, it’s painfully hard to stop.
If I can even stop at all. I used to mindlessly eat and I’m much better at not
doing that now, but some days (most days, lately) I simply cannot stop eating.
I try to stop to give my body a chance to feel full, but that doesn’t help and
if I don’t get whatever it is I am craving then it gets worse. The Monster starts
thrashing around inside me, refusing to settle down.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So I keep fighting
against The Monster (maybe I’ll name it Grover, in homage to <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Monster-End-This-Book/dp/0307010856" target="_blank">The Monster at the End of This Book</a> - <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">*spoiler alert*</i>
Grover is the monster at the end of the book…). Every day. I’m sure it’s easy
for someone to shrug it off and say “Just stop eating so much!” or “You can
control your urges!”, but unless you have ever had to fight with your weight,
unless you’ve ever been overweight and desperately wanted to lose some of it,
then you don’t know what you are talking about. It’s like telling someone you
understand what they are feeling due to the loss of a parent, but both of your
parents are still alive. You don’t get it, you won’t get it, you simply CAN’T
get it. Because you haven’t been there. And let’s be really real here. Everyone’s
experience is different, so even if you have lost a parent, you still don’t
know how I felt when my mother died and even if you have had to fight to lose
weight, you still don’t know how I feel or how I’ve fought to drop some pounds.
Our experiences are different.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I’ve gained 6 pounds in
the past few months and while I want to blame The Monster, I have to blame me.
I created this monster and I continue to quite literally feed it. If I keep
doing that, it’ll never leave. Sure, 6 pounds might not seem like a lot, but I
fought to lose those 40 and I fight to maintain. Do I eat a lot of cake? Absolutely!
I love cake and I’m not giving it up, but I was eating a lot of cake while I
was losing those 40 pounds. If I can’t find a way to maintain the loss without
giving up the things I enjoy then I have to regroup and figure out a new plan of
attack. A life full of celery sticks and baked fish isn’t one I am interested
in.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Now I’ll try to make
peace with The Monster and think of it more as Grover. I always liked Grover.
He was silly and goofy and fun and I like to think I’m at least 2 out of the 3
of those things (the jury is usually out on whether or not I'm fun). Maybe if The Monster and I can make friends we can work
together to literally feed my body the nutrients that it needs to function and
(hopefully) thrive, but also know when to stop. I’ve never been good at
stopping. Maybe that’s the next lesson to work on.</span></div>
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Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-88777359977413876322016-09-18T15:54:00.000-04:002016-09-18T16:25:00.479-04:00I'll Get By With a Little Help From My Friends<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Women seem to say this all the time, but it bears repeating. It is so important for us to have girlfriends. Well, ok. Maybe women <i>don't</i> say this all the time, but we should. Magazines always seem to have articles on the important of having women friends and making time to nurture and cultivate those friendships. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/1918248_1311416784254_7856685_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/1918248_1311416784254_7856685_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Susan and I on a visit to Louisville, where she and her family live, back in 2010.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
To have other women we can laugh with and cry with. Eat with (ummm...I may have a food obsession issue...don't judge me!), talk to and share with and learn from and just have the support that we all need while going through this crazy thing called life. I've really come to realize how much those friendships mean to me in the past few months while I've been dealing with this crazy and <a href="http://bonjovigrrrl.blogspot.com/2016/07/when-life-hands-you-lemons-go-to-doctor.html" target="_blank">inconvenient little health issue of mine</a> (for the love of God, I just wanted to get laid!). I've had more friends than I can count or acknowledge who have been willing to listen to me and be supportive. It also may help that I am paying someone to listen to me every other week, too, before I drive those friends absolutely insane talking about things all the time. Never underestimate the importance of professional help when you can't seem to help yourself. (And before your friends and family no longer want to deal with listening to you.)<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/14344717_10155251603837519_8544423896247921200_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/14344717_10155251603837519_8544423896247921200_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>With my friends Heather and DD. We could have talked for 3 more hours easily.</i></td></tr>
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<a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/14344717_10155251603837519_8544423896247921200_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>This is all in the forefront of my mind today because I was lucky enough to spend several hours with two lovely friends yesterday. I hadn't seen them in several years, but through the "wonders" of social media, it often feels like you've only seen someone a few days ago. We picked up where we'd left off and had the best time together. We could have kept talking for several more hours if we all hadn't needed to get home. And no, I didn't monopolize the conversation talking about all my issues and what's going on in my life. My life really isn't interesting enough to talk about it all day long, no matter how much I wish that it was!<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/d1f4322e-adfd-4183-9a1d-13044f25cf89.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/d1f4322e-adfd-4183-9a1d-13044f25cf89.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Laughing after dinner with Ilana and Linda in Arizona.</i></td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
I also had a great mini vacation out west last month to hang out with one of my oldest friends, Linda, where we stayed up late talking and drinking and eating and then playing dress up at 4am. Things are rarely boring with the people who know you so well. Although I refuse to take responsibility for trying on a dress 2 sizes smaller than I am since it really was 4am and we'd killed 2 bottles of wine at that point.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm going to try to take a little step back in the future and really try to appreciate the friendships that I am blessed to have. As an adult, it can be so hard to meet new people and forge new friendships since we are all busy with our lives and families and jobs. It can be even more difficult to keep nurturing the friendships you already have. But it's important to try. To remember why we love the people that we love and the amazing value they bring into our lives. It's time for me to be better about that. Starting now.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/1454729_10151773720429117_716240586_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/1454729_10151773720429117_716240586_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Two of my best friends from college, Kelli and Cindy, catching up a couple of years ago at Thanksgiving.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-57226840741084922092016-09-09T21:01:00.001-04:002016-09-09T21:09:28.068-04:00The Unmentionables<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I made the declaration on social media the other day that I should filter a new list strictly for the status updates I always want to post, but never do because they seem inappropriate. Possibly extremely funny, but not really appropriate. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/Statue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/Statue.jpg" width="212" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">
</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Several friends seemed enthused by that notion, but every now and then my better judgement prevails. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Or does it?</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It’s always a dilemma. But maybe that’s what blogs are for (aside from being a delightful exercise in vanity).</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I told my friend Ruby I was going to blame her for this blog post and so I am. She told me that I should start a 2<sup>nd</sup> blog with the title “The Vaginismus Chronicles”. I will NOT be doing that, even though all the funny nonsense that seems to come out of my mouth these days is related to my attempts to get healthy. But for Ruby, I’m collecting some of the things I didn’t want to post on FB and putting them here. And then, naturally, posting a link on Facebook so people can read it. I mean, that makes sense, right?</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I get so tired of going to physical therapy twice a week. This has been going on since April and while I know time and patience are involved, patience is a virtue I have never possessed. It’s not even about wanting to be able to have pain-free sex – or have sex, period – anymore, but being tired of having to spend so much time thinking about my vagina. I swear, adult film stars don’t spend this much time thinking about their private parts. It really gets old. As does my vagina. Older every day. </span><span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It's like I'm living in a world I never even planned to visit and now I'm taking up permanent residence.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Much as I am weary of the physical therapy, I do try to have a positive attitude about it because going into a session without feeling positive is only going to make for a bad session. The PT is not cheap and I refuse to waste my time or money. If my mind and body won’t relax, then the therapy won’t work and I may complain a little, but I’m very determined for it to work. I’ve kind of forgotten exactly why now, but I’m sure there is a good reason. What was it…what was it… Gimme a few minutes. It’ll come back to me.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/PT%20Room.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/PT%20Room.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><i>The physical therapy room. </i></b></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><i>It's like a spa for your vagina! </i></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><i>Except, y'know, not.</i></b></span></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The therapy room is relaxing, as it is intended to be, and I’ve said in the past that the physical therapist as the perfect personality for the kind of work she does. We laugh all the time, which is dangerous if I drink too much water in the morning before I go and feel the desperate need to pee. Nothing good can come of that. It’s a horrible accident waiting to happen. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The other day after PT, I was cleaning up and thought to myself, “</span><span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Man, there is lube everywhere!" That seemed like an inappropriate status update to post on Facebook though, but totally funny to me and probably to my PT as she always says that she uses too much lube. But let’s get real here, lack of lube usage is probably part of the problem for some people, so I say the more the merrier. Except, y’know, it’s really messy. That’s something they don’t teach you in sex ed class I’d wager.</span></div>
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This morning I was picking up a bra to put it on and saw something on one of the cups that I couldn’t identify. I just looked and thought, “Oh, there’s something on this. Not sure what it is.” *pausing* “Well, I hope at least I had fun!” When I relayed that to a friend, her response was, “</span><span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Here’s hoping you did!” and the first response I could think of was, “Well, usually when my blouse is off I'm having a good time, so there's a solid chance that I did.” This. This is what you get from my brain on too many Oreos. The struggle is real.</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My counseling sessions with the psychotherapist also continue and progress. </span>Well, they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feel</i> like they are progressing, so I hope that they are. Right now she wants me to make an effort to get out and meet more people, be more social. I’m also sure she wants me to take the opportunity to meet more men, making it easier to get over any lasting attachments I may have to the friend I was canoodling with earlier this year. But when someone says you need to ‘get over him’, I usually want to respond with “But I haven’t even been UNDER him recently!!” Buh-dum-bum. Yes, yes, I do fancy myself quite funny. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Thankfully, I have some friends who will check on my progress and how I’m dealing with my situation. It’s not the end of the world or some monstrous health crisis, I know. I get that. But it’s a quality of life issue and that cannot be denied. </span></span><br />
<br />
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</span>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">One friend is a former boss of mine who I now see once a week. For a while, she kept tabs on me after she’d left our office to make sure I hadn’t decided to up and quit. Even though she, y’know, up and quit and left me there. But whatever. We’re buddies and appreciate the snark in each other and it’s nice to get to see her regularly now, even for a few minutes between her meeting and running back to her new office.</span></span></div>
She asked why I was at physical therapy the first time she came around and I told her the whole story. Since I keep saying I’ve lost my filter, I will tell pretty much anyone all about this situation, even if they’d probably rather I did not. But as my friend is a doctor, she was instantly familiar with what vaginismus is and the treatment options and was mostly pleased at first that I might be having sex at all. Gotta love a supportive friend, right?<br />
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<a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/IMG_3735.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/bonjovigrrrl/IMG_3735.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
</td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Still defective, but it could always </b></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>be worse.</b></span></i></div>
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</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">On her way out the door the first time she said, “I’ll text you and check on how your va-jay-jay is doing!” She hasn’t yet, but I can assure you that eventually she will. This week, however, she simply said, “I’ll be back next week to see how you are doing!” My response was, “I’ll still be defective!”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">h yes, that’s how it feels. Like I’m defective. I know that I’m not, but those thoughts of negativity and frustration and slight depression still sneak in from time to time. But for now, right this minute, I’m just going to laugh. If laughter is the best medicine, then I’m all set.</span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></div>
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Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-17090625161940481412016-08-22T13:28:00.000-04:002016-08-22T13:28:10.879-04:00The Things I Won't Be<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Apparently when I’m tired and on vacation, I write
stream-of-consciousness notes on my iPhone and find them later. I can neither
confirm or deny that happens after I’ve been up till 4am, killing 2 bottles of
wine with my bestie and then having her make me try on nearly every dress in
her closet – including her wedding dress – some of which were at least 2 sizes
smaller than yours truly. But it could have happened then. It’s all a blur at
this point. In a good way. </span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><br />
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<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think we could learn a lot about each other if we
looked at the notes on folks’ phones. I tend to store all kinds of things in
those notes, from grocery lists to random bits of wannabe poetry to, well, to
things that aren’t your business. Hahahahahaha I act like I don’t tell everyone
my business these days. I’m so funny. </span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t remember what precipitated writing this, but
after re-reading it, I kinda like it. Maybe even a lot.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Things I Won’t
Be</span></i></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></em> </div>
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I won't be the woman who's ashamed.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I won't be the woman who refuses to deal with her
problems I won't be the one who hides because she's afraid people will see her.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I won't be afraid to face my problems head on. To fight
for what is worth fighting for.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I won't be the woman waiting for someone else to save her
when I can damned well save myself.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who hides behind her mother's skirts.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who needs someone else to tell me I'm pretty.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who needs your approval or flinches when you disapprove.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who sits idly by while the world keeps moving around me.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who puts on a pretty facade while inside my guts are
churning.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoPlainText" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Who lets anyone else tell me what to do or how to live my
life.</span></div>
</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-59041101386453053432016-08-21T19:36:00.001-04:002016-08-21T19:36:22.808-04:00That is so unlike me. Except when it's not.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
About 10 months ago I declared it "The Year of Yes" (sorry Shonda Rhimes, I only heard of your book recently). I don't really remember what precipitated that decision, but it came up in a conversation with a co-worker shortly after my birthday and then it became so. The plan was to try saying "yes" to more things than I say "no" to. I've done so-so with that personal challenge. I honestly don't think about it a lot of the time and just go with whatever my gut thinks I should or shouldn't do. I mean, a random "yes" to everything is never going to be a good idea, although it could land you in some interesting situations I suppose. But not necessarily good ones.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I stop, as I did today, and realize that I haven't really been saying yes to much lately or even trying to find opportunities to say yes. With less than 2 months left in the year (it started around October 19th), I decided I need to work a little harder to find those opportunities. Or to at least see them when they present themselves. I'm not great at recognizing opportunities, even when they are hovering right in front of my eyes. I get so caught up in whatever nonsense is happening on a daily basis that I think I overlook opportunities that come along. My goal for the next few months is to try and keep my eyes open a little more, my mind open <i>a lot</i> more, and try to see the things that are coming into my life that I need to grab a hold of and enjoy the ride.<br />
<br />
I've definitely had some fun in the past year. I've opened my mind to things. I've done things that I consider outside of my normal nature, though when I said one time that whatever I was doing "just isn't like me", a friend responded with something along the lines of how maybe who I am now is the <i>real</i> me and who I was before isn't so much that person anymore. Who knows. I imagine whoever I am at any point in time is the "real" me as it is indicative of who I am at that point in my life, with those particular life experiences. <br />
<br />
I'll confess that I like who I am more now than who I was a year ago. Although at the same time, I can't say that I really remember who that person was. I'm not sure if I'm actually a different person or if it's all in my mind. Oh sure, I didn't wear a lot of dresses until about a year ago, but I'm not sure that's indicative of a giant personality change or anything. It's just a heck of a lot of fun messing with the heads of women I work with who can't seem to figure out why I'm suddenly wearing dresses. Hint: I can fit into some of the ones I had now, so I wear them. Where my obsessive need to buy blue dresses came from, however, I have no idea.<br />
<br />
Mostly I feel like I'm happier now than I was before and friends have expressed that they see it in me. It's nice that it's showing through, rather than my standard MO of being seriously grumpy and unpleasant. Life is too short not to enjoy it and that's what I try to remind myself. Even when enjoying is sitting in bed watching TV on a Friday night.<br />
<br />
One thing that has sadly fallen off of my radar a long, long way is my relationship with God. While I've been out running around buying pink sweaters and blue dresses, I still haven't found a church home in my "new" city after living here for 4 years. Church was a huge part of my life before and filled with so many friends and good times. Now I just roll over on Sunday morning and go back to sleep, grateful for a chance to sleep in and a lazy day ahead. That's not who I want to be or how I want to live. Perhaps as I try to refocus on saying "yes" more the next few months, I need to turn that focus more to the things that would please God rather than simply what pleases me. The things that do more for his glory than for my own. Those things necessarily have to be mutually exclusive. I can have fun and enjoy my life and all the while be doing things that glorify the lord. I've lost my focus on that, but am going to try and turn it around.<br />
<br />
When "The Year of Yes" ends in a few months, I have to be ready to turn it into "The Life of Yes" or maybe just "I'll Say Yes When I Feel Like it and Otherwise Leave Me Alone". The latter is so much more like who I think I am, but as long as I keep looking for changes to grow and change, I think it's all good.</div>
Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5883053024248661367.post-3464526214888422122016-08-16T15:35:00.002-04:002016-08-16T16:08:11.642-04:00I'm not inspirational. Or brave. I'm really just a big old dork.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration…”</i></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Sappier words were likely never spoken. Or in this case, sung. Thank you, Chicago – the band, not the city – for those wonderful words, sprinkled like sugar on a donut and performed at weddings everywhere since the late 1980s. </div>
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Inspiration. That’s a strange word to me, but it’s come up a good bit lately.</div>
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Yesterday, my friend Natalie told me that I had inspired one of her song choices in her Zumba class. The song is called “Sexy”. Ummm…I think I laughed out loud. Right in her face. Because let’s be real - putting me and the word “sexy” into the same sentence is laughable. It just is. Snarky? Sure. Sassy? Most definitely. But sexy? Seriously, I’m laughing again as I type this. Sexy I ain’t. </div>
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Oh, I understood what Natalie was talking about when she elaborated a little bit, since I seem to be having my own personal sexual revolution here in my mid-40s (Holy crap! How did I get in my mid-40s?!?!), but the notion that I was in some way inspirational for that song is so far out there that I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s flattering I suppose, but makes me uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as this nasty summer weather, but it’s a close second.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Now, I’m not fishing for compliments by writing this post. I’m just trying to express my confusion or amusement or whatever you want to call it. When someone says I’ve inspired them or that I’m brave, I do my best to deflect all of that. I’m the girl who screams “Look at me!! Look at me!!” and then freaks out when you look at her.</div>
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Some people seem to be inspired or impressed (also another word that makes me uncomfortable) that I’ve shared some very personal information about a medical situation, but I swear, the next person who calls me brave is getting backhanded. I’m <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">NOT </i>brave, dammit!! I’m scared and confused and kinda pissed off about the whole thing. I still feel like some weirdo with a problem that most folks don’t have, even though I’ve learned that a whole heck of a lot of folks <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do</i></b> have this same problem. That’s why I’m fighting back. That’s why I’m trying to take control of my health and figure things out. That’s not bravery. That’s self-preservation. It’s not wanting to feel like a freak with a problem and a freak is what I felt like in the beginning. I’m better now, but still frustrated and just wishing this problem would go away. </div>
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I’ve talked ad nauseam about my weight loss journey the past year and a half and I know folks are tired of hearing about that too. It turns out, however, that some folks have been inspired (there’s that word again) by my journey and while that is nice to hear, it still makes me uncomfortable. I was always the kid who hid behind her mother’s skirts to avoid attention and that is still at the core of who I am. I might holler for attention, but as I said before, it messes with my head when I actually get that attention.</div>
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Ultimately, while I’m not comfortable thinking I’ve inspired anyone to do anything, I guess that if this crazy journey of life that I’m on has helped someone in some way, then it’s all good. I’ve shared things because I feel that I have to. It’s not always that I want to (Do you really think I want everyone all up in my vagina?? Not so much…unless you’re a really hot guy and then we can totally discuss it.), but it would help <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i> to know that I’m not alone in things I’m dealing with and I imagine it helps others too.</div>
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Once again, I’m rambling as I am want to do. I’m silly. I’m sarcastic. But I’m still not sexy. Trust me, if you saw my favorite Disney pajamas that I wear in the winter time, you’d totally agree. It's always interesting to try to understand the way that other people see us, since I'd guess we rarely see ourselves the same way.<br />
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So I’ll go on being scared and apprehensive. Worried and confused. Normal, I suppose. Dammit. I never wanted to be normal either!! Sheesh. </div>
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Shannonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07834516052278869035noreply@blogger.com0