Anger Management

We had a good message at church on Sunday.  Not that I don't think they are always good, but sometimes, in my experience, a message really speaks to you more than others.  As I listened to our pastor talk about how frustration is a killer of the heart, I thought about how easily I become frustrated.  With events. With things (like traffic).  With people. Oh yes, especially with people.  And it wasn't a great revelation when the pastor said that we can't control other people, we can only control ourselves. I've known that for a long time, but I don't always operate under that guideline.  I let the things that other people do and say get under my skin and fester and make me crazy.



Image from Yahoo Images.  Original found at: ttp://www.sodahead.com/living/easiest-way-to-hurt-your-feelings-is-to/question-2044627/

  A few years ago, some people I thought were close friends started doing a lot of things together as a group and not including me. Now, maybe that had been going on all along and maybe the illusion of closeness in our friendships was more one-sided than I would have guessed.  But whatever the truth of the situation, my reality was that I felt it was being thrown in my face (oh, the joys of putting your life on Facebook) and one person in particular seemed to be the ring leader of putting these outings together and therefore became the object of my hostility.  Actually, "hostility" might be too tame of a word.  Things festered inside me to the point where I wanted to do physical harm to that person.  The thought of slamming them into a wall was about all that could perk me up.  How twisted is that???  (And let me assure anyone reading this that the person in question is quite happy, healthy and now living far, far away from me.  Lest anyone think I gave into my baser instincts.)  I hated that I could not let the pain and the hurt go and get over it and get on with it.  I hate that someone else had that kind of power over me - to make me so angry that I wanted to hurt them.  To add insult to injury, I'm pretty sure the person in question never knew how angry I was at them.  Nor am I sure that they would have cared.

A while back I mentioned my hurt and anger to someone else who was involved in that small group and I voiced how that particular person was the one that I fixated on and who seemed to be the leader and how I felt like that person simply did not like me for some reason, though I had never been anything but nice to them (that I'm aware of).  The silence that greeted those statements was enough of an indictment for me.  Was I really right in my theories and notions?  I have no idea and I'm not sure it really  matters.  After all, perception is reality for all of us in the world.  And there are three sides to every story - yours, mine, and the truth.  The object of my hostility will likely never know that she caused that kind of reaction in me and if she did, she might not care.  I think she would probably be surprised and act confused as to why on earth I would think that of her.  Eh.  Whatever.  I'm not sure I'm wrong, but I'm also not sure I'm totally right.  Again, perception.

Hopefully I've learned from that experience because anger like that is something I would rather not experience ever again.  It was physically painful at times (I get nasty tension headaches) and so amazingly unproductive.  I'm not sure that confronting that situation would have been the way to go either, but now when I get upset or angry or hurt by someone, I do try to confront the situation rather than letting it fester.  Perhaps "confront" is too strong of a word too.  It's not like I'm having an in-your-face, physical confrontation with someone.  But I also don't think I should have to suck it up and let it go. Not without stating my mind.

Hence a recent situation with another friend.  Many months ago this friend invited me to do something.  It wasn't necessarily something that overwhelmed me with enthusiasm, but it was something I thought I would enjoy and it was a nice gesture.  So I responded that yes, that sounded good and count me in.  And the time started ticking away with no response ever again from this person. Nothing. Nada.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  Of course, I could have made contact again to find out what was going on, but I didn't.  I take responsibility for that, but I don't take it for the lack of response from the other person.

As the clock ticked on and the day in question arrived, I thought, "Perhaps they changed their mind about being able to do this particular thing." I thought that until I found out that they were, in fact, attending the event they had previously invited me to.  Oh.  Gee.  Great.  Uh...have fun?  *shrugging*  I'm not sure how you respond to finding out someone is doing something without you that you thought they were going to do with you.  Oh, I did respond (in what could possibly be termed a passive-aggressive way) and my friend texted me about the situation with excuses made as to what had happened (it was the truth, but at that late date, still an excuse) and a few "I'm sorry this hurt you"s were thrown in for good measure.  I think this person was sincere in saying they did not set out to hurt my feelings, but my point through it all was honesty.  My friend could have told me the truth of the situation as soon as they learned things had changed and I like to think I would have understood.  I might have been annoyed, but I hope I'm not a totally unreasonable person.

To be honest, the thing they invited me to attend wasn't something I really cared that much about or I could have taken matters into my own hands and made my own plans to attend.  I'm not one to sit around and simply not go after something if I really, really want it.  My point was and is, tell me the truth.  Be up front in the beginning and then no one has to be hurt or upset.  Or at least they have time to deal with it.  If our friendship is strong, then I'll understand and we'll get past it.  It's not the end of the world or the worst thing ever.  The only real reason the whole situation bothered me was that the invitation was extended in order to "make up" (my words, not my friend's because no one owes me anything) for forgetting my birthday. So to be told once again "I'm sorry. I forgot.", well, that just added insult to injury.  I do so appreciate being someone's afterthought.  If they manage to even remember at all, that is.  That makes me feel so special.  Lesson learned and noted.

All in all, while I will probably think about this situation for a while yet, as is my modus operandi as a massively OCD person, I'll get over it.  Because when we allow ourselves to hold that kind of thing inside, it only hurts us. It doesn't hurt the other people involved.  At some point the person who has upset you simply shrugs it off going, "Well, I apologized. What more do they want from me?"  What more do I want?  Hmmmm...good question.  A little thought, a little consideration.  That's a good place to start.  But things like this serve as a reminder, albeit painful, that sometimes we hold others in higher esteem than they hold us.  I've learned the hard way over the years that sometimes friendships end and we have to move on.  I'm one of those people who attaches to friends and doesn't see why you ever need to stop being friends.  The reality, however, is that people grow apart.  We change.  We move on.

My pastor preached another great sermon that spoke to me back during the time of the first story I wrote about.   It was about how sometimes God prunes away the dead things in our lives so that new growth can begin. I took that greatly to heart when I was dealing with my hurt feelings several years ago and I take it to heart again now when I'm tossing more things around in my head and my heart.  The pruning may hurt and it may be unexpected, but there is a reason for it.  And the new growth, just like a South Carolina azalea in the spring, is going to be so, so beautiful.  (Even if sometimes you have to fertilize with a lot of manure!)

Stop the Insanity!!

I got an e-mail the other day from a friend that made me very sad because she was very sad.  She was feeling unlovable, overweight, under-appreciated and rather hopeless all the way around.  Normally that would make me feel sad just because no one should feel that way (even though we all do sometimes), but this time it was because this friend of mine is a wonderful person. She's kind and caring and loving and will do just about anything for you.  I know she's been a very good friend to me over the years.  So knowing that she was this far down in the dumps bothered me.  I did the only thing I could in that situation - and as she had requested - and that was pray for her.  I think she's doing a little better now, but I know how hard it is to pull yourself out of that funk.

As a single woman now in her 40s - GAH!!  When did that happen and who gave permission for that anyway?!?! - I've had my fair share of days when I felt that way.  I've been overweight pretty much  my entire life and even when I wasn't, I thought I was.  Yes, I'd like to kick my high school self for ever, EVER thinking that I was fat.  But as an adult, I've always had weight issues. That sentence is telling I think.  Break it down and you can emphasize how *I* have always had weight issues.  Me.  I.  Myself.  What I'm trying to get at is that I have had the issues and not necessarily anyone else has had those issue with me.  I've always been too afraid to ask anyone if they thought I was fat because who wants someone to answer "yes" to that question?? Not me! So I lay it all on myself.  I am my own worst enemy after all. 

Regardless, I get where my friend was coming from.  Single women (at least the ones I know) are always asking "Am I too fat?"  "Am I pretty enough?"  "What's wrong with me??"  I don't know if single men ask those questions, but women do.  Hell, not just single women, but all women I'd say.  So maybe all men do too.  Though none I know would ever admit it.

I hate that my friend was having to spend any time going through all of this.  Thinking these negative thoughts about herself.  And from the very small bit I've gleaned, it goes back to an issue with men or maybe a man specifically.  To add insult to injury, this friend was also told that she was "too intelligent".  Uh... what?!?!?!  Any man that tells a woman that she is too smart is clearly too stupid to know what's good for him.  Eegaads.  Stupid should hurt. It really, really should.

Now, I don't buy into the idea that men are intimidated by strong, independent women.  (Nor do I buy into the notion that I'm a strong, independent woman, but that's a blog for another day.) If there are men out there like that, then they clearly don't need to be or deserve to be with the women that they are intimidated by.  And as a woman, who would want to be with someone who felt that way about you?  But as I said, I don't believe that myth is true.  I think it's a great cop out that people throw out to women when they can't think of anything else to say to them about why they are still single or why some man just dumped them or whatever.  Cop out.  Plain and simple.

I'm not really sure what the original intent of me posting this blog was as I've lost my train of thought at this point.  I guess my wish is just that everyone, women and men, would be able to pull themselves out of these nasty kinds of funks and realize how much they are truly worth.  I wish everyone could find a way to stop worrying about what other people think of us when it matters so much  more what we think of ourselves.  My friend is a truly lovely person and I hope that she realizes that, even if it's deep down right now and has to be pulled out.  No one else should be allowed to dictate our worth and value.  Maybe someday...

And again I say... (approximately) five years ago today in Western Australia...

 Five years ago yesterday this is what was going on in my world...

Five years ago today in Western Australia...

DSC00185, a photo by Shannon1971 on Flickr.

This is what I was doing five years ago this very day, in Western Australia...

Once upon a time, I took a pottery class...

For several years I have wanted to take a pottery class that a friend of mine, Laura, teaches at the local art gallery.  Laura and I are veterans of working in the place that laid us both off a few years back, but we got the last laugh as we've both landed in what I would say are much better situations.  But still, finances always play a part in what I can or can't do and it wasn't until recently I could pull together some cash to take the 6-week class. 

Laura is a great teacher and the class is clearly a boon for those who want to try their hand at making pottery.  I can't say enough positive things about it on that end, but in the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that I didn't really enjoy it.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate it by any means, but it wasn't my thing.  Of course, if I hadn't gotten around to taking the class, I never would have known that, right?  Right.  Overall I am very glad to have taken the class and have some new pieces of artwork to show for it, but it's not something I'm interested in doing again.   Some of my work turned out pretty ok and a few pieces are somewhat homely, but one of them I actually tried to make uglier when I glazed it because it was already heading down that road, so why not! LOL

So what's up next for me?  I want to learn to juggle. I have to check out YouTube and see what kinds of instructional videos might lurk out there in cyberspace and see what I can teach myself.  No, I have no idea why I want to learn to juggle, I just think it would be fun to try it.

Before....

After...

This was was going along great on the wheel until I pulled out too much and thinned it out at the top so much that it basically exploded.  Or whatever you call it in pottery terms.

But in the end, I think it looks pretty ok when it was glazed, so I ended up liking it and not thinking it was particularly ugly.

Again, another potentially good piece that just kind got screwed up. But hey, it's all about the process, right?

I painted this one these colors in an attempt to make it hideously ugly because a friend/co-worker really wanted me to give her an ugly piece of pottery so she could re-gift it to someone.  But in the end, I think I like this too much to give it away. Not that it's gorgeous, but I made it and I can't really see parting with any of the stuff I made.  The color on the inside reminds me of an elementary school cafeteria circa 1977.

Single and...Fabulous???

I think that was the title of a Sex and the City episode, but I can't remember. I seen all the eps of that show so many times, but all that stands out for me is how much of a spoiled, whiny brat Carrie Bradshaw was.  Even in the movies.  Whine whine whine, complain complain complain.  Hmmmm... maybe we have more in common than I thought. ha!

But regardless of any connection to SATC, that's also what I saw on a t-shirt this morning, without the question marks.  And I had to take a picture and upload to Facebook, of course.  *rolling eyes just a bit*  And I had to buy it, of course.  Which wasn't a stretch since it was a Valentine's Day shirt reduced to 50% off making it a sweet deal at $3.75. 

One thing I've realized this season of hearts and flowers (and chocolates, let's not forget the chocolates) is that often single people seem to feel the need to be somewhat "in your face" about their singleness and how great it is and how happy happy HAPPY!! they are being single at this time of year.  Heaven forbid someone admit they are sad or lonely or wish someone would send them flowers or even just a nice card.  And while I think that, for the most part, those single people are happy, it's this consuming need I see in some of us to validate ourselves by invalidating things like love. Romance. Valentine's Day. 

I'm guilty of it too. I'm not denying that at all.  When everyone else is having their Hallmark moment, I admit that I want to have my moment too. Whatever that may be.  Just gimme some attention and I'm usually good-to-go.  But I wonder if all this comes from a notion that married people look down at us singletons or feel sorry for us.  Or maybe they are scared of us because they realize "that could be me" and for some reason that is terrifying to them. I'm honestly not sure.  And I'm not saying that married people feel that way about single people.  Just making conversation and throwing around some hypotheses really.

I do wish that we single folks could simply embrace being single and go with it, without worrying about whether or not there is someone out there for us.  It makes my head hurt having to think about that. Really. Truly.  It causes me physical pain.  Hence, the reason I seldom worry about it. Except....a couple of months ago I did a very scary thing - put a profile out on an on-line dating site.  Oh, the shame!  The horror!!!  (No, no, trust me. There's some horror.)

Ok. Ok. So internet dating is not the worst thing ever in the world. I know that. I really do.  But my experiences with it off and on over the years has been less than enjoyable.  But I was bored one day and, well, that's always how the trouble starts.  This time around, however, I think it was a pretty good idea.  Let me tell you why...

This time around, I think I've finally realized that I don't want to be in a relationship.  Well, I don't think I do. I guess I could change my mind if David Bryan left his wife and proposed to me.  Or if Harrison Ford dumped that hat rack he married.  You know, I've got to have standards.  But back to my point (and I do have one.... I think...).  First there was the guy who seemed to want to jump head first into a "relationship" after swapping about 5 e-mails.  Uh... that was weird. Sorry, just weird. 

Then there was the texter.  You see, I refuse to sit at my computer long enough to get into a chat with anyone. I just do not have the time or patience for that and if I'm blogging or surfing Facebook or answering an e-mail, I can stop whenever I want and pack it in and head for bed without having to explain that no, I don't want to talk to you anymore, I want to go to sleep because I get up at 4am every day.  (Look! You can see how right I am already by the hostility bubbling under the surface of that statement, can't you? LOL) 

Back to the texter... I said sure, we could text. I prefer e-mail because I can deal with that on my own time table, but I thought we'd throw around a few texts now and then.  Uh... wrong.  This guy wanted to text me every day and apparently did not have enough work to do at his place of employment that he could respond to texts sent at any time during the work day.  He would text me first thing in the morning to see how I was doing and I would respond when I got to work. Then he's text back and I'd actually, y'know, do work and respond at lunch.  He'd jump right back on my text and once my lunch ran out, I was back to work.  At night, I couldn't muster any interest to respond, so at some point I'd just stop.  Finally, after a week of this, when he asked "How are you?" one morning, I told him.  Needless to say, that was the last time he texted me. Oh, I was nice to him, but I said I was tired, late for work, coming down with a cold, frustrated about something else at work and wasn't he glad he asked?  And by the way, how was he today?  I realize that normal, sane women would probably think that was really sweet and "oh gosh how nice that he's so interested in getting to know me!", but yours truly felt like I was being stalked. I dreaded checking my phone in the morning because I knew "he" was going to have sent a message.  I was relieved when he gave up and went on his merry way.  From what I learned about the texter, he was a nice guy, but his texts were soooooooo boring that I could not figure out a way to make them interesting and less painful to deal with. Plus, y'know, I felt stalked. (Or just really, really bored and annoyed and I'm throwing that word around for dramatic purposes.)

I could talk about a few others, but I don't really need to.  I've pondered this whole situation on my daily commute many times.  And I drive a lot, therefore I have lots of pondering time.  One large truth that has been driven home to me is that I like my life. I like my routine. It's not always exciting, but it works for me.  I'm not sure I could or would want to incorporate someone else into my life.  Compromising when I have something I need or want to do is not my strong suit.  I'm not keen on someone throwing the plans out of whack. I have at least enough self-awareness to realize that.  Oh, sure, I like people (most of 'em, some of the time), but I've never enjoyed having people around me all the time.  Drives me bonkers.  And with a relationship would come demands on my time. People wanting to be around when I did not want them around. I'm not sure I'll ever be in a place in my life or be a person who wants to be unselfish enough for that.  Coming home and having someone in my space and not being able to get away and have my space and my time.  Eek! 

I hope more single people will simply start to embrace their singleness and enjoy and acknowledge that that is the way their life is going to be. The way it is meant to be.  There's nothing wrong with it. You don't have to throw it in people's faces to make anyone, least of all yourself, believe that you are happy.  Some of the wisest words ever spoken to me are also some of the simplest and blissfully, they apply in so, so many situations, of which this is one.  And so my single friends if you are reading this - hell, if anyone is reading this because let's face it, this blog isn't very highly trafficked - I leave you with this one thought. Use it as you need to, in whatever situation...

It's not good.  It's not bad. It's just different.

Adopting an Attitude of Adventure by Susan Ellingburg

I was reading this article earlier and thought it was definitely worth sharing with anyone who might mosey over here to my little corner of the blogoverse.

The original can be found here: Adopting an Attitude of Adventure

Adopting an Attitude of Adventure

Susan Ellingburg, Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

Thursday, February 02, 2012

I once interviewed a delightful cookbook author from Georgia who got one of those ‘things to do before you die’ books for her sixtieth birthday and declared, “I’m going to open this book at random and whatever page I land on, I’ll do.” She confessed to me she was hoping for “visit a world-class spa” or something similar. What she got was “climb Mount Kilimanjaro.”

“And?” I asked.

“Oh, I did it,” she drawled. “Took me a couple years to train, but I did it.”

Now that’s an adventure. But so is taking a side road instead of the interstate, joining the church choir, or trying your hand at a soufflé instead of the usual PB&J. Adventures are not reserved for the rich, the young, the accomplished, or the brave. Adventure, my friends, is an attitude.

There’s a big difference between enduring each day and enjoying it. I’ve done both in my time and the second option is definitely best. What’s the point of life if you’re not going to live it? Having an attitude of adventure means being open to the possibilities. It means asking “I wonder” “What if” and “Why not?” It means shaking off the fog that covers us so much of the time, looking at life with a fresh perspective, and being willing to do something about it.

For the record, my personal style of adventure does not involve mountain climbing or pulling the kind of stunt that tends to land one on the evening news. It’s more the type of thing that tends to land me up to my elbows in boneless duck, at a private showing of a sculptor’s work, or . . . um . . . kicked out of Westminster Abbey. (But that’s a story for another day.) Regardless, I’ve never yet had an adventure that was not totally worth it.

For those who are new at this adventure thing, here are a few tips.

Advice for Would-Be Adventurers

•Pay attention. This is key: I can only imagine how many opportunities I miss every day because I’m not alert to the opportunities around me.

•Expect to enjoy yourself. If you decide in advance to have a good time, odds are you probably will. If you go looking for reasons to be unhappy, I promise you will find them.

•Take the first step. You don’t always need to take a huge leap of faith; often a little hop is all that’s required.

•Show interest. You may not think you care about the topic at hand, but you never know where it may go. Discussing a glassblower’s work led to a fabulous love story (they met in glass class but she didn’t speak English and it wasn’t until years later…), an up close and personal view of glassmaking in progress, and the gift of a hand-blown vase. And the best way to show interest is to…

•Ask questions. There’s nothing wrong with honest ignorance; only God is truly all-knowing. Most people love to share their expertise with someone willing to listen. “What made you decide to be a (whatever they are)?” “How did you learn to (do whatever it is they do)?” “You know that logo we see on TV, the one on the wall…?” Just ask! What’s the worst that can happen?

•Be sensible. Actually, “what’s the worst that can happen” is a valid question and one you should ask yourself at the start. The sculpture viewing mentioned earlier would have been a little creepy had there not been three of us and only one slightly loopy artist. Being sensible also helps keep expectations in check. Adventures come in all shapes and sizes; some are more exciting than others.

•Be nice. The old saying goes, “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” and besides, it’s the right thing to do. Nice will take you far, whether it’s to the best steak you’ll ever eat in the middle of nowhere, the front row of a sold-out musical, or the inner sanctum of your favorite television network.

A Real-Life Example

My merry band of foodie friends and I were in New York to sing at Carnegie Hall—an adventure in itself, but that’s another story. We visited Chelsea Market, home of Food Network, with one goal: an “I was here” photo in front of the Food Network logo. Alas, the logo was nowhere to be found, even after totally unauthorized trips up random elevators in the faint hope of running into an Iron Chef. (We did stumble onto an imposing news network office, but mumbled excuses and hit the “down” button. Fast.)

We also spotted a notice about an event to be held the following day, which included an interview with the Food Network Test Kitchen’s Executive Chef. (Pay attention.) So we came back (take the first step) and had a marvelous time at the event. (Expect to enjoy yourself.) During the program we were an engaged audience (show interest). Once the program was over, we engaged the Chef in conversation and inquired about the logo. (Ask questions.) “It’s not anywhere you can get to,” he explained, “but…I can take you there.”

Which is how we got our own personal mini-tour of Chelsea Market, recommendations on restaurants and attractions, and a rather fabulous photo with not just the logo, but with the Executive Chef, as well. They were filming inside so we didn’t get a kitchen tour (be sensible) but it was a highlight of our trip nonetheless. We thanked Chef profusely (be nice) and I managed not to squeal like a little girl until the elevator was on its way down.

What if we hadn’t been able to take that photo? It still would have been a fun day, an out-of-the-ordinary experience, and an excellent adventure. It’s attitude, not outcome, that makes the difference.

The Best Adventure of All

One of my favorite adventurous people is author and speaker Luci Swindoll, who tells us: “The most important thing for each of us is to embrace and celebrate life for what it is. Being alive is a gift, and we will never exhaust all the adventures of possibilities that are ours because Jesus Christ has provided an inexhaustible legacy for us, established before the foundation of the world. Every day he opens new doors for us to walk through. He gives us a new way of looking at old problems. He challenges us to take him at his word as we consider how to resolve different dilemmas. He assures us of his constant presence. And here’s the best adventure of all—He lives in us! We can go anywhere and do anything, because the One who leads us never fails.” [i]

So, what do you think? Are you ready for an adventure?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


[i] I Married Adventure © 2002 Luci Swindoll. Published in Nashville, Tennessee by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission.

Susan Ellingburg is a natural-born Texan who sings at every opportunity, reads as much as possible, and cherishes every day she gets to spend with friends. She's a serious foodie and not-so-serious gardener who is determined not to let being single stand in the way of living an amazing life. Read Susan's blog at TastingGod.wordpress.com.

Are you there God? It's me...

It seems that my faith has been on my mind a lot recently having not much to do with the recent Christmas season or any way that I feel God working in my life right now (because I don't... feel Him working in my life right now, that is.).   It's because I have some friends who are atheists who like to post things on Facebook that get me talking. And thinking.  It's fascinating to me, really, that there are people who do not believe in God.  I use that word - fascinating - because I grew up in a Christian home and there has never been doubt in my mind that a creator exists.  So for me to get the perspective sometimes of those who resolutely state that God does not exists, well, it's... fascinating!  I mean no disrespect at all to the folks who choose not to believe. I don't get it, but hey, they don't get why I do believe, so we're even on that score.

That's one thing I wish more Christians understood - if we look at atheists and wonder how they cannot believe, they are looking at us with the same confusion over how and why we do. Until I started doing a little reading here and there on atheist blogs (or one blog and I can't even remember the name), I never thought about how much anger and hostility they are hit with sometimes, which explains all the hostility and anger I have read in some of the stuff out there.  But admittedly I live in my happy little bubble where my God and my religion and my church are trying to do good and not issuing death threats to people that we feel threaten our beliefs.  I'm not a fan of ugliness in the name of God and I"m pretty sure God isn't fond of that either. 

Anyway this is a ramble and I have on interest in getting into a discussion with anyone about religion, Christianity or atheism. I'm fortunate in the fact that my friends who are pretty vocal about their atheism don't seem to have a problem if I pipe up with comments from my point of view and hopefully they realize that I am actually trying to understand what is going on with them and where they are coming from, not preaching at them and trying to rope them in.  If I can ever find enough time to do some reason, I even have a few books on my list from the opposite side of the fence to help answer my curiosity of where folks are coming from.

This is a link to a blog a friend posted on Facebook (not her blog) that I think is interested. I saw the video is addresses last week and I agree with the video AND with this blog.  Both make good points.  But that's just my opinion!  For what it's worth...  Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus - A Response

Happy New Y...oh whatever...

I am not now, nor have I ever in my entire 40 years on this planet been a fan of New Year's Eve.  I'm happy to have a day or two off of work, but I fail to see the big deal about this "holiday".  And don't get me started about the fireworks and waiting for my neighbors to catch my lawn on fire. If ever there were a bigger curmudgeon about New Year's Eve, I can't think of one.  It is me. I am she.  We are one.  And I'm ok with that.

I don't know when or why it started. There are those who believe my aversion to this date is because it's the day my mother died. Well, they are wrong.  I cannot, however, seem to convince people of this, but they are.  My mother was great. My mother was also a royal pain in the ass.  But she was a good mom and died too soon and suffered too much.  I miss her when I miss her - the dates don't matter. The simple fact of the matter is, NYE was never a big deal in my home growing up and I don't recall my parents ever going out to NYE parties. I don't have anything against it, per se, just never saw the point. I have gone out  many times on NYE and enjoyed myself, but I'm also quite enthused with the idea of getting to stay in this year and watch a marathon of "The Walking Dead" on AMC as it was just last weekend I discovered the series, so getting to spend the day catching up on the whole thing is my idea of a good time.  Plus I have cookies.  Any time you have cookies, you're all set in my opinion. Although cake is good too.  Hmmm... wonder if I have any cake...

I'm going to repeat myself a little here from something I posted a couple of years ago because I think it still rings true.  Dates have been changed to reflect the appropriate time period. 

I really don't make resolutions, but there are areas I'd like to improve in in my life, but that's a daily thing to deal with rather than something I think you should focus on simply because the calendar flips from December to January.  But for the sake of joining the resolution madness, I present:

Shannon’s Version of New Year’s Resolutions.

1) I will not do physical harm to people who cannot learn to spell the word “definitely” correctly. There is NO “A” in “definitely”!! Of that, I am DEFINITELY sure!!

2) I will not take up running. I tried it. I don’t like it. I refuse to do it. The exception to this rule is if I am being chased by a serial killer. In that instance, I think it would be prudent to revise this particular resolution.

3) I will not be growing my hair out in 2012. Tried it. Didn’t like it. Much like the aforementioned running.

4) In 2012 I will continue to wonder what my natural hair color is. I think it’s brown. Possibly dark brown. I’m reasonably confident there is some grey in there too, but we’ll never know for sure!

5) I will not be getting married in 2012. In conjunction with this, I will not be a) getting pregnant or b) having a baby.

6) I will eat too much on many occasions and regret it later.

7) I will never exercise as much as I think I should, but at least I’ll exercise.

8) I’ll miss the people I have loved and lost, but know that they are in a much better place, without sadness or pain and that will make me smile.

9) I will continue to think my butt is too big, my bank account too small, and my fabulousness frequently unappreciated.

10) I will continue to love Bon Jovi. I know. You’re shocked. Try to control yourselves.

I'm just hoping that the coming year is better than the last - for more than just me.  Mine wasn't bad at all, but hey, I'll take better too!

Make new friends, but keep the old...

Friendship should be easier. It just should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah… if it was so easy would it be worth having. Whatever. Making friends. Keeping friends. It should all be easier.

You see? This was easy.  My birthday party around age.... uh.... 4 maybe?  Doesn't matter. It was easy because your friends were the neighborhood kids and the ones you knew at school and/or church. Easy peesy cheddar cheesy. (I'm the one rocking the pink pants with the big Cookie Monster applique on the leg.)

Red pants and a yellow and blue striped shirt. It must have been the 70s!

  But no, it never stays easy.  And that said, I am a pretty lousy friend. I really am. I forget birthdays.  I never send Christmas cards. I totally hate to talk on the phone. I mean, there’s e-mail so why do we have to talk on the phone? I respond pretty quickly to e-mails whereas I can ignore a voicemail for ages. Which is kind of ironic because I hate it when people forget my birthday or don't, well, don't do whatever it is I think they should do as my friend.  Whatever the hell that is.

Maybe if we dressed up and wore tap shoes more often, we'd have stayed besties past kindergarten.

Every few years I go through… I wanted to call it a frienaissance, but according to the Urban Dictionary the definition of that is “An activity to renew your relationship with a friend.”  And that’s not really what I do. What I do is go through a period of feeling kinda mopey and a wee bit sorry for myself because I would like to have more friends.  Or to see the friends I have more often.  Or for my friends to want to see ME more often.  And all this, of course, requires a change in me and heaven forbid I have to change me.  Perish the thought! (please interpret this with the appropriate sarcasm)

Don’t get me wrong – especially my friends who are reading this – I have some good friends. Hell, I have some GREAT friends.  

Anyone need a lift?  This is my friend Michael circa 1988. Sadly, he passed away a couple of years ago after being hit by a car while trying to rescue a cat that was injured in the road.

We're fabulous and we know it.  You should have seen the shoes!

 

I love the looks on our faces in this picture. I wish to heck I could remember what we were laughing about though. 

But something it still not right.  Is it me? Is it them? Is it all of that?  I'm not quite sure. I only know that it's hard to make friends as an adult.  And with busy lives, it's hard to keep them.  Hard to make time for them and if you don't make time for your friends and work on that relationship, you'll lose it.  

I started thinking about this a few weeks ago and while I do not make New Year's Resolutions, I made the decision that I need to work on my friendships and to find avenues for making new friends.  I want more than I've got from the relationships I have and it's up to me to work on them.  I have tried already in some instances and more or less been rebuffed, so I'm leaving the ball in those respective courts and if those friends want to continue to have any kind of relationship with me, then it'll have to come from their end before anything else comes from mine. 

Of course, it's perfectly natural that some relationships last longer than others. I've just always thought if someone was your friend then they were always your friend (I am frequently quite naive).  I continually realize that is not true. I'm saddened by that, but hey, and so it goes.  We grow and change to move apart, but dangit, it still should not be so hard to make friends as an adult!

We are too adorable for our own good!  Love this guy!

Cute photo with some great people that I never actually talk to anymore.  Contact is sporadic at best.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post anymore to be honest with you. I had it all in my head for the past few weeks, but it never comes out on virtual paper quite the way I think it will.  But I know I cannot be the only person who feels this way and has this problem.  And I know it's not all me.  I'm not the most user-friendly person, but there are enough people who like me the way that I am - or have over the years - that I know I'm not a horrible person.  I'm just... lost?  Confused?  Searching?  All of the above?  I'm alone a lot, but I would seldom, if ever, say I was lonely.  But I do want more. We'll see if I decide to apply myself to get it. 

Ahhhh college. It was certainly never boring!  I was dressed as a groupie although I'm pretty sure I never took the jacket off to reveal the belly shirt. I can't even believe I had a belly I was ever willing to reveal!