When life hands you lemons, go to the doctor, figure out what the hell is wrong and fix it!

I picked up a book at the library the other day called “Atlas of Cursed Places” and immediately thought “Surely that must be about my vagina”. Oh, sure. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but it’s always been on me. My vagina, you see, is no man’s land. As in, “No man wants to go there”. And there in, my friends, lies (part of) the problem.

This is the longest and most personal post I have ever written and I would greatly appreciate it if you would read it. You’re going to think this is strictly for women, but it’s not. It IS about women’s health, but men need to know about this particular issue as well. Your partners deserve that, should this ever be a problem for some of you and based on conversations I’ve been having for the past 3 months, this is an issue for so many more people than you might imagine.

This is a story I need to tell, even if people think it’s “over-sharing”. Even if people think it should be embarrassing to me (it’s not, by the way). Even if I have trouble telling it at times (I do, a little, because I’m putting you right up in my business). But no matter what, I’m sharing my story and I hope it helps someone.

I’ve held off for a while out of respect for the man involved, to protect his privacy, even though I have no plans to name names or give any details about him beyond the necessary bits and pieces. But I digress…so here goes…

In March 2016, I was diagnosed with vaginismus. What the heck is that, you ask? (Or even if you didn’t…) According to WebMD.com, “When a woman has vaginismus, her vagina's muscles squeeze or spasm when something is entering her, like a tampon or a penis. It can be mildly uncomfortable, or it can be painful. There are exercises a woman can do that can help, sometimes within weeks. Painful sex is often a woman's first sign that she has vaginismus. The pain happens only with penetration. It usually goes away after withdrawal, but not always.”

In my case, it means that having sexual intercourse is extremely painful and, quite frankly impossible. Believe me, I’ve tried! Yes. That’s right. I said it. I’ve been having sex. Well, trying to have sex. And nothing is as “fun” as being with your partner in the moment and ready to go and penetration is simply impossible. I didn’t like it. I can assure you that HE didn’t like it. No one was happy in that situation.

In the immediate aftermath, I thought it was my fault. That it was something I was doing wrong or could control, but that’s not exactly true. There is something wrong, but it’s not my fault and it wasn’t my partner’s fault. That’s important for me to understand because I felt kind of like a freak at the time. After stewing over it for a few days, I did the only thing I could think of to do – go talk to my doctor and see what was going on and how I could fix the problem.

I’ve been told vaginismus is a mental disorder and I’ve been told it is a physical disorder and the truth is, it’s both. It really depends on the individual. In my case, the vaginal muscles are involuntarily tightening up whenever a penis tries to penetrate. There is once again a joke in here somewhere about my vagina being an inhospitable environment, but I’m not really laughing. Some women can’t even insert tampons without a lot of physical pain, but I’m fortunate that I haven’t had trouble with that. But again, that doesn’t seem to matter when you’re in the moment with a man you are attracted to and want to have sex with and it’s just not happening because your body is betraying you. That’s how it felt to me. Like a betrayal. And so very, very unfair.

I should say that when I decided to be intimate with my partner it had been many years since I was sexually active. I have no problem admitting that because for me, sex isn’t something I take lightly and jump right into. I don’t really care what goes on in other people’s bedrooms, but I know how I choose to live my life and honestly, after several years, I didn’t really care much anymore. Not having sex was the norm for me.

Plus, being overweight for mostly all of my life, it was easy to hide behind the pounds and the poundCAKE and say that men weren’t interested in me because I was fat. Well, I can also be really bitchy, so that might be part of it too. J After losing 40 pounds in the past year, I have found more confidence in my body and appearance and I generally feel really good about myself. When the chance came along to be with a man I was very attracted to and who, to my great astonishment, was actually attracted to me and wanted to have sex with me, I was absolutely interested. Wild horses couldn’t have stopped me.

We weren’t dating, but were friends and I considered him a “safe” person – physically, mentally, and in terms of his personal health – and he is still a friend (as far as I know), so be warned I will not entertain any negative comments about this man. I did make him aware that I hadn’t had sex in quite a while, but neither of us knew that there would be trouble ahead. I figured as long as we both knew I was going to be pretty awkward – and when isn’t it awkward to be naked with someone for the first time? – then everything else would work itself out. Hoooo boy. That’s what I get for thinking.

Now, there’s a slightly funny element to this story. It wasn’t funny at the time, but when relaying the situation now, as I did to my new counselor the other day, I had to laugh. Two people who had known each other casually for many years start flirting and after a few months decide they should have sex, even though they haven’t laid eyes on each other in years. Yeah. Because nothing could go wrong with that scenario, am I right? I mean, it’s all “Hey. How are you? Good to see you again! Oh, there’s your penis and here are my breasts. Haven’t seen those before, have we?” Yeah. Nothing could go wrong here. I’m still shaking my head over the naiveté of that one.

My partner and I attempted intercourse multiple times the first time we were together, but it was impossible. Not for lack of interest on either part, I assure you, but there was just no way. Finally, we were both frustrated and decided it was time to get dressed and move on.

I’m not sure which of us was bothered more about this. It might have been 50/50, but I was definitely unhappy. Since, as I’ve said, sex isn’t something I go into lightly, finally being ready again after many years and then finding out that your body won’t cooperate? Well, it sucks. There’s no prettier wording for it. It. Sucks.

After that encounter, I decided to take the bull by the horns and go see my OB/GYN, even though my annual visit had been less than 2 months prior. I knew that each year the pelvic exam was painful and it was hard to insert the speculum, but I figured it was once a year so I could live with it since the exam took 5 minutes max. My doctor never said anything to me about the tightness issues either, but I wish she had.

I went in for a visit for “painful intercourse” and after a pelvic ultrasound (also not my idea of a good time), the doctor and I chatted and she was able to tell me that all the internal parts were in working order. She was also able to assure me that righting this wrong wasn’t impossible. Then she told me about a physical therapist in Columbia that works with women on things like this and did I want a referral. Yes please! Sign me up! Anything to help my situation.

It should be noted here that “fixing” this problem was not and is not about the man I was with or any possible future sexual involvement we might have (and at this time, I don’t know that we will have any…or that we won’t). This was 100% about and for ME and no one else. I didn’t care if I never had another opportunity to have sex in my life; I still wanted to get my body working the way that it is supposed to. So off I went to the physical therapist back in late March.

On my first visit, the PT explained to me what was going on and how the various muscles work together and connect and she also said that no, it wasn’t a hopeless situation, which was a relief. I might not be particularly sexual person by nature, but we always seem to want what we can’t have and at this point I was already damned determined to get this figured out. After an exam, she set up regular appointments for me to come in and work on the issues. And once again, nothing says “big fun” like having to talk all about personal things with a total stranger.

Pelvic Floor physical therapy is for women AND for men and isn’t just about sexual issues. It can help with things like urinary or fecal incontinence or post-partum issues that the body is having and so many other things. I had no idea this sort of thing even existed so it’s been a fascinating experience for me in that respect. During a typical PT appointment, we work with medical dilators that come in various sizes and are used to stretch the vaginal walls. Once your body is able to accept one size without any pain, you work on the next size up until you have reached the dilator that is the size of the average penis (the large size dilator is the size of the average penis, I am told). The goal is working the muscles to stretch them and make penetration possible and comfortable. There isn’t a magic cure for vaginismus and the therapy isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. It just takes time. Therapy can also be done at home, which I do once or twice a week, in addition to my in-office physical therapy.

Before anyone gets any smart ideas, let me say right now that there is nothing remotely sexual or arousing about this. Nothing at all. I can’t even imagine how it possibly could be. Pain doesn’t arouse me and I assure you there has been pain. Not horrible, screaming, agonizing pain, but definitely pain. But I work through it and things have been slowly improving. Every move forward is a big victory to me that I celebrate.

A few weeks into the start of my physical therapy, my friend and I decided to get together again and be intimate. I’m sorry to say that once again, penetration wasn’t possible and we were both extremely frustrated. Again, I’m not sure which one of us was bothered more, but I will say that my friend did not want to hear about what was going on with my health. He stated so straight out when I tried to talk about it. I fault him for that reaction, but you can’t force someone to hear what they don’t want to hear. It would have been great if he had been interested in what was going on and how we could work around that to try and make intercourse work (or just have a hell of a lot of fun in other ways!), but that’s not how things worked out.

As I’ve said previously, we were friends before we decided to become intimate and we remain friends (again, as far as I know) and I’ve given him the opportunity to see this before I ever post it on the internet.  Once again, I’d like to say that I would appreciate folks NOT speaking negatively about this man. It’s not going to change anything and I could list numerous ways that my relationship with him has been so very good for me.

If we had attempted intercourse a 3^rd time, I would have insisted on a conversation about my medical situation and how we could work around that. A few months back, my sweet physical therapist wasn’t going to see me for a full week and she was giving me the step-by-step directions on how intercourse could be successful if the opportunity presented itself before I saw her again. The key is to take things very slowly, have good communication with your partner, and a lot of stopping and starting. Stop penetration when things get uncomfortable and then practice your relaxation breathing and pelvic floor contractions until any pains subsides and then move forward with further penetration. Repeat that process as often as necessary until the penis has fully penetrated the vagina. Ha. And you all thought sex was simple and easy?? I wish!!

As of the time I am writing this – July 2016 – my physical therapy continues twice a week and I have made good progress. In the past couple of weeks, it’s like a switch flipped and there was no more pain with the medium size dilator and the PT and I have both been able to do some very good, hard stretches with it. We’ve started with the larger size, which is the average penis size, but it comes and goes as to whether there is pain and how much progress can be made. Mostly I keep reminding myself how much progress has already been made and that eventually even the larger size will not be painful.

I mentioned that vaginismus is a mental disorder too and that being the case, I elected to start mental health counseling. I had been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder back in 2002 and did about 6 months of group therapy and thought it was time to speak to someone again to figure out the mental aspects of this.

I started with one counselor back in May, but after a few sessions things just weren’t clicking. She did make me laugh in our first session though by suggesting that maybe it was my comfort level with that particular partner that was the problem and that things would work out better with someone else. She suggested putting out feelers to see if there was anyone else I knew who might be a good candidate to help with my “physical therapy”. Um…I think she was only half joking when she said that, too. It was funny, but also really weird. I will not be taking applications, by the way. Just in case anyone thought I was crazy enough to try that recommendation.

Recently I got a referral from a trusted source for another counselor and have only had one session with her so far, but I think the fit is right this time. When I told her about the physical therapy I am doing, she immediately knew what I was talking about and was excited that things have been progressing well. That impressed me since the previous counselor only knew of it as a mental disorder. I won’t see the new counselor again for several weeks and we have a good bit of work to do, but I think it’s going to be very positive for me in many ways.

I’m interested in what I may find out in my subconscious as to why this is happening. Did I grow up thinking sex was “bad”? Did I get some kind of skewed notions about sex, whether from television and movies or my parents or things I heard kids saying at school? My assumption has been that my subconscious is causing problems for my body and I’m interested to see what the counselor and I can dig up. My conscious mind is clear that sex isn’t bad and shouldn’t be painful, that it’s something our bodies were made to do and that it is pleasurable with the right partner. I am a Christian, but don’t hold on to any particular religious notions that pre-marital sex is wrong.

I can also say with 100% surety that the man I was with was someone I wanted to be with and I was absolutely sure of my decision when we decided to get together. At no time did it feel like the wrong thing to be doing or the wrong person. So all in all, I’m not sure what my mind is coming up with, but I’m going to find out.

I have to say that my physical therapist has the best personality for doing this kind of work. We have gotten to know each other very well over the past few months (as a friend who has the same problem – this is what you find out when you are willing to talk about things! – said, “You get to know someone really well when they are all up in your hoo-ha.”) and have all kinds of conversations about so many things. She’s even been interested in my mental health counseling and what I may find out, so sometimes I feel like I’m getting physical AND mental therapy when I go to PT and that’s a blessing. It’s nice to be able to talk about the issues and situations with someone who understands what you are trying to accomplish.

Maybe it’s more physical than mental, but I am leaving no stone unturned. I want to get well. I want to have sex again one day and for it to be GOOD sex. (Who the hell wants BAD sex?!?!) In all honesty, I’d love for things to get worked out so that I could have sex – ridiculously good sex – with the friend I’ve talked about. I mean, I think we deserve it after two frustrating encounters. That’s not a path I think we’re going to go down, but I suppose anything is possible. I never thought we’d go down that road the first time, but I have to say that I’m more than glad we did.

Yes, things didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped. Yes, we were both very disappointed by that fact. And yes, he should have been more understanding and interested in what is going on. But in the end, I learned something very important about my health and have felt amazingly empowered by this new knowledge. I am not embarrassed to talk about it because PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW. Plain and simple. People need to know. Women need to know that there are ways to get help. That this isn’t hopeless. That they aren’t alone. I’ve heard stories about doctors who have told their patients that there is nothing wrong with them and that is not true! These women need help. They also need patience and understanding from their partners.

I’ve shared my struggles with many friends over the last few months (either in small groups or one-on-one) and each time – EACH TIME – I find someone who needs this information or knows someone who has dealt with the same situation. I actually carry my physical therapist’s business cards in my purse and have given them out many times. As a society we don’t like to talk about issues that happen “down there”, but we should. We need to. If we don’t, women (and men) will continue to live in the dark about how they can get treatment and get healthy.

If you’ve read this entire post, my hat is off to you. And now you know a lot more about me than you probably ever wanted to! Ha ha Sorry about that, but I don’t regret it.

Please feel free to share this post and this information with whomever and wherever you’d like. I want the word to get out. I have called myself the “covert poster child” for vaginismus to some friends and it was covert because, out of respect for my friend, I felt like I should keep this information mostly to myself until I thought we were no longer considering any sexual involvement. I don’t know if we are or we aren’t, but I’ve thought about it and prayed about it at length and now is the time. If just one person learns something from what I’m going through, then it is more than worth it to have shared my story. I am absolutely confident that it will have a happy ending.