For some reason lately I’ve been body shaming myself. It’s
not like this is anything new, but for a few months there I was enjoying some
love for this body of mine. Then suddenly about a week or so ago, I started
looking at it through…well, not rose-colored glasses, obviously, but maybe in some
really weird fun house mirrors. I thought I’d gotten past that and was at a
better place, but it seems I was wrong.
My thighs. Oh, my thighs. I don’t know why I have such a hate-hate relationship with them. Through genetics or way too much cake, I have large thighs. I remember back in high school thinking the same thing, but they are about 25 inches around now whereas they were about 18 back then (I only know this because I have one old pair of jeans from junior year of high school and they measure 18 inches around in the thighs). They are definitely large now, but there is also a lot of muscle packed into them. In the past year or so I’ve found that they can do some amazing things, like allow me to run at times. Not a lot and not for long (I don’t attempt more than a sprint from the tree to the light post to the next tree), but they can still do some amazing things. I’ve abused them this year and even ended up with an IT Band injury that continues to act up when I exercise too much. *pauses* bahahahahahahahaa I have exercised too much and caused myself sports injuries. That’s so hilarious to me. But as usual, I digress.
Less than two months ago I was signing their praises and all about my curves and this body of mine. Then I hit the wall. I wish I knew why my default mode was looking in the mirror and feeling less than. Not good enough. Unpretty. It’s a hateful thing to be tied up in.
I sat at a luncheon yesterday chatting with a woman as we indulged in a lot of really good, high calorie food. As it tends to do sometimes, conversation turned to our bodies and weight and weight loss. As I was buttering a roll and shoveling it in (I love food…until I start shaming myself for eating it.) We discussed workouts and weight loss – and weight re-gain – and laughed over what we were eating with relish, along with the workouts we had planned for the evening to burn the calories. We discussed my weight loss last year and how I did it (“That crappy way everyone tells you works – eating less, eating better, and getting more exercise.”) and some of her weight gain the past year. She’d gained about 20 pounds in the past year, putting her back at 208, which is 10 pounds less than where I started on my journey. We are the same height – 5’ 7” – and I have to tell you that she is beautiful. I see it looking at her and told her so (because we all need to hear it, with sincerity). We could totally relate to the struggles and wanting to eat food we enjoy and not having to give it up. As she said, “Who wants to stop eating pie?!” Yep. I’m totally on board with that and, y’know, my unnatural love of cake.
Our conversation eventually came around to me telling her that body shaming is horrible, but I think it can be worse when we do it to ourselves. She was so relieved to know that she’s not the only one who does that! I confessed that I’d been doing it to myself a lot lately and I hated it, but wasn’t sure how to stop. It’s such a horrible pit to be in, when you keep looking at yourself and thinking you are inferior. Not even to anyone else, but to that foolish ideal that you keep in your own head of how you are “supposed” to look. If I can’t look at myself with love and acceptance, why do I assume that others will? Why is my default always to deflect a compliment, rather than simply say “thank you” and move on in appreciation that someone thought enough of me to say something nice? Why do I judge myself by what I’ve eaten or whether I have a little fat here or some jiggle there (actually, I kind like my jiggle, but that’s just me…)?
Oh yes, being human is hard and it is such a first-world problem to have, worrying that you have too much to eat. No one is a harsher critic of me than I am of myself. I expect more of myself than I do of others (and often expect way too less of others). I need to stop judging myself by the numbers on the scale, but if I stop weighing myself then things get out of control. I worry about my attitudes about food now that I’ve lost a few pounds. I pay a lot more attention to food and what I’m eating and how much than I ever did in the past and that isn’t always a good thing.
It’s too easy to live inside your head and let the negative thoughts eat away at you. Telling you that you aren’t good enough. Will never be “enough”…whatever the hell that means. So the struggle now is to stop body shaming myself and most definitely not shame anyone else. I’m guilty of having done that in the past, but would have been so upset had it been done to me. And now I do it to myself. It’s time to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God don’t make no junk, y’know? If I can learn to really believe that, I’ll consider it a big win.
My thighs. Oh, my thighs. I don’t know why I have such a hate-hate relationship with them. Through genetics or way too much cake, I have large thighs. I remember back in high school thinking the same thing, but they are about 25 inches around now whereas they were about 18 back then (I only know this because I have one old pair of jeans from junior year of high school and they measure 18 inches around in the thighs). They are definitely large now, but there is also a lot of muscle packed into them. In the past year or so I’ve found that they can do some amazing things, like allow me to run at times. Not a lot and not for long (I don’t attempt more than a sprint from the tree to the light post to the next tree), but they can still do some amazing things. I’ve abused them this year and even ended up with an IT Band injury that continues to act up when I exercise too much. *pauses* bahahahahahahahaa I have exercised too much and caused myself sports injuries. That’s so hilarious to me. But as usual, I digress.
Less than two months ago I was signing their praises and all about my curves and this body of mine. Then I hit the wall. I wish I knew why my default mode was looking in the mirror and feeling less than. Not good enough. Unpretty. It’s a hateful thing to be tied up in.
I sat at a luncheon yesterday chatting with a woman as we indulged in a lot of really good, high calorie food. As it tends to do sometimes, conversation turned to our bodies and weight and weight loss. As I was buttering a roll and shoveling it in (I love food…until I start shaming myself for eating it.) We discussed workouts and weight loss – and weight re-gain – and laughed over what we were eating with relish, along with the workouts we had planned for the evening to burn the calories. We discussed my weight loss last year and how I did it (“That crappy way everyone tells you works – eating less, eating better, and getting more exercise.”) and some of her weight gain the past year. She’d gained about 20 pounds in the past year, putting her back at 208, which is 10 pounds less than where I started on my journey. We are the same height – 5’ 7” – and I have to tell you that she is beautiful. I see it looking at her and told her so (because we all need to hear it, with sincerity). We could totally relate to the struggles and wanting to eat food we enjoy and not having to give it up. As she said, “Who wants to stop eating pie?!” Yep. I’m totally on board with that and, y’know, my unnatural love of cake.
Our conversation eventually came around to me telling her that body shaming is horrible, but I think it can be worse when we do it to ourselves. She was so relieved to know that she’s not the only one who does that! I confessed that I’d been doing it to myself a lot lately and I hated it, but wasn’t sure how to stop. It’s such a horrible pit to be in, when you keep looking at yourself and thinking you are inferior. Not even to anyone else, but to that foolish ideal that you keep in your own head of how you are “supposed” to look. If I can’t look at myself with love and acceptance, why do I assume that others will? Why is my default always to deflect a compliment, rather than simply say “thank you” and move on in appreciation that someone thought enough of me to say something nice? Why do I judge myself by what I’ve eaten or whether I have a little fat here or some jiggle there (actually, I kind like my jiggle, but that’s just me…)?
Oh yes, being human is hard and it is such a first-world problem to have, worrying that you have too much to eat. No one is a harsher critic of me than I am of myself. I expect more of myself than I do of others (and often expect way too less of others). I need to stop judging myself by the numbers on the scale, but if I stop weighing myself then things get out of control. I worry about my attitudes about food now that I’ve lost a few pounds. I pay a lot more attention to food and what I’m eating and how much than I ever did in the past and that isn’t always a good thing.
It’s too easy to live inside your head and let the negative thoughts eat away at you. Telling you that you aren’t good enough. Will never be “enough”…whatever the hell that means. So the struggle now is to stop body shaming myself and most definitely not shame anyone else. I’m guilty of having done that in the past, but would have been so upset had it been done to me. And now I do it to myself. It’s time to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God don’t make no junk, y’know? If I can learn to really believe that, I’ll consider it a big win.
1 comment:
I can't tell you how much I relate to this conversation you had with your friend. No matter what weight I am, I see the same body in the mirror...I FEEL the same way. That is why, I have determined, that I can put weight back on so easily when I lose weight. Before Nate got sick, I was in the best shape of my adult life. I was down to a size 8 and just felt all around good, not because of my size (my body still looked the same to me...) but because of my lifestyle (Crossfit, eating better, etc) But, I have packed it all back on. UGH. Why I can yo yo like this my whole life....it's such a BUMMER! I often think, if I had never been ashamed of my body (I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN) maybe I wouldn't let it go so easily. I don't know...I do know that my issue with weight is and always will be tied to how I think and view myself and the words I think in my head about myself. I have to work on that. :) PS, I'm reading all your blog entries today :) -DD
Post a Comment