You say it's your birthday

I love my birthday. I think it's a day that should be celebrated far and wide, high and low, and preferably with a lot of presents and baked goods.  The trouble is, no one else shares that enthusiasm.  For MY birthday, that is. Everyone else is pretty enthusiastic about their big day though.  And you know what?  That's ok.

I'm slow. I admit it.  Sometimes it takes a while for me to clue in to things that other people seem to get pretty easily. I think part of it is just denial and me not wanting to accept the situation. Other times, my brain simply does not work the way that it needs to in order to truly grasp something.  There are reasons I'm not an astrophysicist you know. 

One thing I finally decided to acknowledge and understand this year is that no one cares about your birthday except you. Oh, it's not a 100% thing of course. I have family members and I care about their birthdays and things like that, but for the most part, can anyone honestly say that they get excited to the same level about someone else's birthday as you do about your own?  I question the veracity if you can.  That being the case, this year I finally decided to admit that I am the only person who really gets excited about my birthday.  For years I've wanted other people to appreciate it as much as I do, but that has only lead to years of letdowns and quite honestly, some hypocriticalness (is that a word?) on my part because it's not like I'm bending over backwards to make anyone else's birthday a super special occasion.  It's not like I remember to send cards or presents or anything, so there's simply no logic in having that expectation of others sending things to me.



In the zoo gardens. Purple is my favorite color.

Armed at last with this knowledge, I chose this year to let it go and do things that made me happy without giving much, if any, thought to whether or not anyone else even cared that it was "my special day".  It was pretty nice I must say.  I took a couple of days off work and made it a nice, long weekend. I booked a massage, I did a lot of window shopping and walking around, and I went to the zoo here in town, which is one of my favorite things to do. I only ever go once a year, but once is enough for me really.  After nearly 3 hours of walking around, my feet were grateful that it doesn't happen more than once a year too.  I considered going to the State Fair, but never having been a fair goer (I have literally gone to one fair in my life and that was 20 years ago), the appeal wasn't great. Don't even get me started on how I can't eat fair food. Not unless I wanted to be praying for death at how sick it would make me.



Color is one of my favorite things.  The botanical gardens were a great site for finding all the colors.

So now my birthday has come and gone. Friends and family were kind enough to acknowledge it with texts or emails or cards, but there was no big celebration.  Oh sure, I bought myself some cupcakes (and someone was even kind enough to have offered to make me a cake, but I declined) and have eaten one of them, but there was no great fanfare.  And that's ok.  Not that I'd mind some fanfare, but maybe now it's no longer required. 



I'd love a yard that looks like this...without me having to do any work!

 

Regrets, I've had a few...

...but then again, too few to mention...

Or so sings Frank Sinatra.  We all have regrets and I would always rather regret something did than something I didn't do, but I'll be damned if they can't gunk up the works and sneak up on you sometimes. 

Regrets have been in my mind a lot this week and I'm not really sure why.  There are many things I do and do not do that I never feel regret over.  Usually if I do have regrets, it's when I decide late at night that I'm just sooooo hungry I have to eat something and feel queasy afterwards or toss and turn, getting a lousy night's sleep.  Or it's when I've spoken in anger and haste and hurt someone.  Said or done something I can't take back, but oh how I wish that I could.  But you can't go back and change the past; only use it as a guide to making better decisions and choices in the future. 

This week I'm regretting little things like forgetting to buy yogurt at the store last night since it likely means I'll have to make a second trip one day soon.  Or not going to bed on time and being pretty darned tired most days this week.  These are things I can change for the future, but for some reason the biggest regret in my head is about the Mystery Man I met in the Dubai airport back in the summer of 2001.  I've blogged about him at least once over the years, but for some reason he is front and center in my mind this week. I have no idea why or how he popped up, but there he is.  Maybe there is something going on and he needs my prayers, so God has put him in my mind.  Maybe I'm feeling adrift as I try to sort some things out in my life and MM represents a time when someone appeared rather at random and offered encouragement.  Maybe I'm searching for that again right now. I honestly do. not. know. why he has been on my mind this week.  You can't change the past and it is safe to say that this is not someone I will ever cross paths with again.  But I'm glad that I KNOW God hears my prayers and He looks in on this man whenever I pray for him.

Eh. I just felt like getting that out of my system today. That's what blogging is for sometimes.  Putting it "out there", if for no other reason than to get it out of yourself.

What do you mean Jake Ryan isn't real?!?

Last night, I realized that Jake Ryan isn't real.

I'm nearly 42-years-old.

I'm also kinda slow. *grin*

Sixteen Candles was on and, as always, when it airs I find it necessary to stop and watch.  I come from the 80s. It's what we women do when we were girls in the 80s.  I think it's genetically programmed into my DNA or something.

Watching out of habit, I slowly became disinterested and changed channels to...something. I'm not really sure what.  This surprised me.  Is it possible that *gasp* I've finally outgrown Jake Ryan?!?! Say it isn't so!! 

Oh, I know Jake Ryan isn't real.  No one ever wants to admit it, but we know it. Heck, there have been articles written about it.  I was sad that I couldn't even muster up the usual enthusiasm or enjoyment when watching the final scene.  Oh-so-swoonworthy in my younger years, I could only think, "Yeah, that would never happen in real life."

*sigh*  I hate those moments.  Those grown-up moments.  Sort of like how I got really excited when my orthopaedic flip flops arrived from Zappos.com today.  The times, they are a'changin'. 

Farewell Jake Ryan, you perfect boy/boyfriend from the 80s.  I will miss you so...*whispering* but I'll probably still come back to visit you now and then.

You Think You Know Andrew McCarthy, But You Don't

I always wondered what happened to Andrew McCarthy.  You know, the actor arguably most famous as the object of Molly Ringwald’s affection in Pretty in Pink.

Even as a huge John Hughes fan, the movie Pretty in Pink wasn’t necessarily a big favorite of mine, nor was St. Elmo’s Fire, which may be McCarthy’s other most well-known role (sorry, I totally bypassed Weekend at Bernie’s in my viewing history).  Outside of that, I have to use Google to remind myself which films McCarthy has made during his career, but this really isn’t meant as a shot toward the actor himself.  Simply how he wasn’t one of my favorite Brat Packers (a label I believe they all eschew), so I never really kept up.  I remember him popping up as the “white guy” in The Joy Luck Club and some Hallmark Channel movie he filmed with Teri Polo, but overall I’m not really that familiar with his films.

A few years back I was thrilled to see his “comeback” when he was in the cast of the TV show Lipstick Jungle, but that, too, didn’t last very long.  Somewhere along the road I heard that he had become a travel writer, but not being one to read travel magazines, I once again gave it very little thought.  

Then a few months ago I hunted him up on Twitter. I like Twitter for finding celebrities that might not be quite in the brightest spotlight anymore, people that I love still because they remind me of my youth, people that keep me entertained.  Andrew McCarthy doesn’t tweet that much, but he does now and again, so I’ve stuck around.  

Late last year I recall he was out on some of the chat shows hawking a book he had written.  I watched a few of the interviews and thought, “Some day I’ll pick up this book”, but it took me a while to go hunting.  A couple of weeks back I finally, after living here more than a year, went to the local library and got my card.  Immediately I went hunting in the biography section and found his book - The Longest Way Home: One Man's Quest for the Courage to Settle Down - along with Molly Ringwald’s Getting the Pretty Back. 

 

 

While certainly an interesting read at times, Molly’s book was a pretty quick read and not a biography at all, so it was definitely misfiled in the stacks.  Her book is more of a few random bits of her life interspersed with Molly’s tips on fashion and makeup and lifestyle.  Again, not uninteresting, but I’ve read enough books that tell me what I should or should not eat/do/think/wear that I’m really over it. I read it and it rolls right over me and I go back to wearing my beloved Converse Looney Tunes low tops with Daffy Duck on one side and neon flowers on the other.

Andrew’s book, however, really touched me.  He is a truly engaging and wonderful writer. His stories don’t make me want to scale Mt. Kilimanjaro as he did, but I found myself truly relating to a lot of what he was writing about himself.  This book details his quest to find himself and open himself up to his impending marriage with his long-time partner (and now-wife), whom he refers to as “D” (her name is actually Dolores).  He tells stories of his travels and of his life and weaves it all together so that the reader sees and understands where he is coming from.  I felt as if I was with him floating on the boat down the Amazon River or sweltering in the Baltimore heat, but more than that, I felt a connection to the writer (he bills himself first as a writer and second as an actor) and saw myself in things he revealed about himself. Not to go into too much detail, but McCarthy paints a picture of himself as a lifelong loner and when reading about that, I kept thinking, “This is me. This is so me.”  Because it is.  

He gives being a writer top billing, over acting.  That's telling to me.

I operate quite a bit on my own.  I always have.  As a little girl, there were 3 little boys and one little girl in my neighborhood, so I learned to play by myself and be ok with it. I think that is part of why I always want to have a TV on in the house as background noise – because when I was a kid I would be playing with my Barbies or doing something or other, but I would have the TV in my room on with whatever sitcom was in syndication and the noise made me feel like I was not alone.

I related to things in this book like the need to get away from other people and be on my own.  This pull that has you getting up and sneaking out, just to get away.  Just so many things he wrote about I could see in me. 

I wish I could truly describe how good this book was, how much I really enjoyed it, but nothing I say will do it justice. I can only suggest that you run out and get a copy to read for yourself.  Because you may think you know Andrew McCarthy, but you don’t. However, it seems that the man clearly knows himself and we are better for his sharing.

What have you done with your life?

I was reading my friend Mary's blog where she was discussing turning 30 - and yes, I was smiling to myself since I am well over 30 now - and she had one post listing things she had done in her 30 years on this planet.  I enjoyed reading that list and thought it would be interesting (for me, anyway) to come up with my own list.  It's so easy to have a bad day and think that life is lousy or have several bad days and wonder why "nothing good ever happens to me!" and other such nonsense that we are all prone to. I wanted to take a little time to remind myself that lots of good, even great, things have happened in my life in these nearly 42 years.

• I've ridden so many roller coasters in my life that I've lost count. I'm horribly afraid of heights, but I love the adrenaline rush of the speed of a coaster, so I keep going back.
• I've watched my nieces grow from tiny babies into lovely young ladies.
•  I've picked up my life and moved to a foreign country.
•  I've seen my favorite band, Bon Jovi, live in concert 7 times, being close enough at least once to share some communication with my favorite band member, even if it was only for 30 seconds and meant more to me than it ever would to him.
• I've fulfilled a life's dream by being able to travel to Australia for 5 weeks.
• I've attended my 20th high school reunion and had more fun than I think you're supposed to have at one of those things.
• I had a super cute date for my junior prom (and still get a great Christmas card every year from his wife showing off their wonderful family) who was quite sought after by other girls. I call that my "high school coup".  And my dress was pretty freakin' awesome too!
• I've performed live theater.
• I've traveled to Europe (and will again!! I believe that!).
• I've tried new things and failed and then gone back and tried more new things.
• I've lost people I've loved and still gotten up and kept going.
• I've embarrassed myself in public and lived to see another day.
• I've graduated high school, college and graduate school.
• I've had blond hair, black hair, red hair, and brown hair.
• I've seen the boy who broke my heart become the man who made it a point to apologize for it...and forgiven him.
• I've learned how much joy you can get from giving..
• I've made new friends and kept old friends.
• I've handled things well and I've handled things badly and hopefully learned from both.
• I've worn ridiculously crazy clothes in public and refused to be embarrassed about it.
• I've faced some of my fears and given myself permission to not feel obligated to push those limits ever again.
• I've given myself permission to not be afraid of or ashamed of who I am.

I could probably keep going on if I spent enough time thinking about it and I probably will eventually. It's so easy to find fault with ourselves or our lives and so much harder to stop and say, "Hey, this is pretty great!" or to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done.  But if we don't tell ourselves those things, then who will?

Oh, be quiet

Silence is the true friend that never betrays.  ~ Confucius

I was quiet yesterday.  Not busy.  Not loud.  Not, well, not anything but quiet.

I'm not usually quiet, although I am an introvert by nature. Those two things don't really make sense, but they are true nonetheless.  I was a very shy child and still am quite shy in certain social situations.  I hate crowds or any large group of people where I don't know folks and don't have "my person" to latch onto so that I know I have a guaranteed person to talk to.  I'd much rather stay home and read a book than put myself through the torture of an awkward and unenjoyable social gathering.

Yesterday was different though. I wasn't bypassing anything to seek out my solitude, I just decided to be quiet.  Truth be told, I have been taking a few turns at being "down in the dumps" lately and I was feeling a bit of that yesterday, so maybe that actually did propel me into a quiet day.  It matters not, however, because I needed the quiet for whatever reason and got it.  Demanded it, in fact.  Enjoyed it, most assuredly. 

Silence is a source of great strength.  ~ Lao Tzu

I listened to the rain coming down, softly at times and with the accompaniment of loud, crashing thunder at others. 

I sat on my couch and savored the sound of silence, along with the darkness of a rain storm. 

I took a nap with nothing but the occasional sound of the air conditioner whirring away in the background.

I read a book and really focused and concentrated on it. 

I very deliberately turned the TV off, which I seldom do as I usually like the background noise to go along with the hustle and bustle of whatever I think needs to be hustled and bustled.

I deliberately stayed off of social media (with the exception of a few tweets during the Tony Awards). 

I was quiet.  And I liked it.   And it was really, really good for me.  It's time for me to be quiet more.  I've said all I have to say today.  And that's a good thing.

Not merely an absence of noise, Real Silence begins when a reasonable being withdraws from the noise in order to find peace and order in his inner sanctuary.  ~ Peter Minard 

Things I Learned at a High School Graduation

I attended my first high school graduation last night since my own graduation 24 years ago.  While we waited for my niece's ceremony to start, I tried to think back and remember my own graduation and...I can't. I don't. I've got...nothing.  I mean, it happened. I know it happened because they let me into college and they usually don't unless you manage to actually get through high school and have the diploma to prove it.  My memory is overall pretty great, but on this event, I seem to draw a blank.

Proof that I graduated from high school.  Uh...that kind looks like me, right?  Me then, at least.

 I did, however, learn a few things at this most recent graduation ceremony.

1)  Teenager girls like to wear very high heels.  When did this happen? Has this always been going on? I do not remember that when I was a teen, but then, I'm in my 40s now and I still do not like to wear high heels.  Definitely not the sky high ones I saw teetering and tottering across that stage last night.  I am truly baffled.  It was either high heels or an array of flip flops.  The mind reels. 

2)  Teenage girls also need to learn to cover up.  Or wear pants.  I know, I know, that sounds prudish and if so, then I'll  own it and revel in it, but damn, those girls need to cover up a little bit! Not all of them, but some of them. Seriously.  I saw a few too many dresses cut nearly up to their behinds and I don't want to see that on any woman, but especially not a teenager.  For me, that shows someone without a lot of respect for themselves.  Someone will likely tell me that it's just how fashion is these days and blah blah blah, but I'm still a fan of some modesty. Just because you've got it, doesn't mean you need to flaunt it.  Especially  not if you're a young girl.

3)  People are rude and trashy, no matter where you go.  This was out in full force last night from the people who chose to ignore the request by the school AND by the senior class not to hoot and holler for their specific graduate.  That was something else I simply did not understand.  Everyone was asked not to do that, soooo...why did people still do it?  Is it simply because we live in a world where people no longer seem to care about propriety or respect or decorum?  Where the Kardashians are looked up to as role models, but the leaders of the world - be the religious or political or whatever - are bashed at every opportunity?  Or is it just because some people are low class and trashy?  Because that's what I consider that behavior - plain old low class and trashy.  What added insult to injury was that at least 50% of the people who did it would laugh and smile and immediately get up and start to leave the venue because they knew they were going to be kicked out.  They knew, but they did not care.  Maybe I'm just a rule-follower and I'm ok with that, but I was offended and annoyed by the behavior last night.  Try to stay classy people.  At least try.

4)  Did I mention that people are rude and trashy?  We had the "pleasure" of having a lady and her little boy come sit behind us last night and she yapped the entire time. Yapyapyapyapyapyapyap.  And her kid would not shut up either. I felt bad for him because he was maybe 5, in which case he really should not have been there and expected to sit still and be quiet.  I have enough trouble doing that at my age; I rarely expect it out of a little person like that.  My sister-in-law definitely did not appreciate him kicking her seat.  Finally my ex-sister-in-law turned around to the woman - who had been keeping up a running dialogue with...someone...about whether or not to hoot and holler for her daughter (she did) and how everyone else was doing it and once she did it how her daughter was not going to be happy about it - and told her that they either had to shut up or leave. The woman looked at her and said, "Really??" to which the reply was "Yes, really."  She muttered something about my ex-SIL being rude (clearly, she needed a mirror to hold up to herself) and a few minutes later she did finally leave.  Blessed silence ensued. I've never been so grateful.

5)  High school kids are pretty much the same throughout history.  And I mean that in a good way.  They were hopeful and excited and ready to graduate and celebrate.  They seemed to have a great time tossing their hats in the air at the end and shouting out a few school spirit cheers (I assume that's what it was since I couldn't actually understand it).  I imagine most, if not all, of them were sitting there wondering what the future was going to hold and what life was like outside of high school.  The speeches some of them gave were basically what you'd expect to hear from high schoolers on the verge of spreading their wings.  "Look forward, remember to also look back.  Cherish the memories and the friendships because we will never all be together like this again."  The more things change, the more they stay the same...

6)  You can compete and still be friends.  The valedictorian and salutatorian gave their speeches together, each taking a turn with what they wanted to say.  They talked about how they met freshman year and both wanted to be the valedictorian of the class and kept up that friendly competition throughout high school.  The young ladies said that they knew the class was all going their separate ways now, but hoped that some people would remain friends and that one day everyone would have at least one person still in their lives that they could say "I've known them since high school."  They knew that they would be that person for each other.  I hope the rest of the class was listening to them and that their wish for their classmates will come true.

Ah yes, I do not remember my own high school graduation, but I imagine it went a little something like all of that (except maybe more big hair than short skirts).  I wouldn't want to go back and have to do it all again, but I'm not sorry I was there the first time.  I've got a 25th reunion on the horizon next year and I'm still on the fence about going or not going to that.  I loved being at my 20th reunion, but sometimes it better to keep looking forward than to spend any more time looking back.

One word... Perspective

Perspective

The dictionary defines perspective as the following:

2

a : the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed ; also : point of view

b : the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance

 

It's a word that's come to mind a lot recently, for various and sundry reasons, but I started thinking about it while I was on a work trip with a coworker Saturday.  I was traveling with someone younger than I am and someone who, while pretty well-traveled in the world, is not as long on life experience as I suppose I am at nearly 42-years-old.  This person is also someone that I don't know super well and they didn't know me that well either, in terms of having had a lot of in-depth conversations with them.  Since we were together for a little over 12 hours, we definitely had some time to get to know each other.

 

I found that my traveling companion isn't one for sharing tons of information with the world at large and simply said that she did not understand social media like Facebook and Twitter.  I actually understand that, even though I have a clear addiction to both of those things, as well as blogging, even if I don't blog all that often.  I like to read blogs, catch up with folks on Facebook, see what my favorite celebs are squawking about on Twitter. I enjoy it.  But I can also understand how she "just doesn't get it".  She'd much rather you call her on the phone if you have news to share rather than emailing or posting a status update.  It's all about having a different perspective. 

 

Lately through various interactions with others, I have been reminded once again that how we perceive ourselves is often very different than how others perceive us.  It is well-known among those that, well, know me well! ha!, that I do not like having my picture taken. I really hate it.  When I was younger and skinnier, I had no big problem with it. I wanted my photo taken with the hope that it would turn out well and I'd look all cute and smiley and stuff.  I have a lot of pictures of me from the late 80s that my mother took that I was happy to pose for, but now, I really hate it.  Partly because every photo, even the crappy ones, seem to end up on social media frequently without consent of those who are in the photos and let's face it, if you do not like how you look in a photo, you don't want the world seeing it.  Someone once told me that all the pictures they saw me post of myself were good, so they didn't know why I thought I was not photogenic.  Um...of course I do not post pictures that are not flattering!  What? Am I stupid?  Psssshhhh!  Not about that!  I literally cried over some photos that were put on Facebook of me after my 20th class reunion. They were horrible and I finally got my friend to take them down, but I never could figure out why anyone at all thought those were pictures I would want someone to see.  I might have looked like that truly in that moment, but I didn't want to be reminded. 

 

What fascinates me about photos is that I can think I look horrible in pictures and some people sincerely seem to think those same photos are good ones.  I scratch my head in confusion over that, but we all have a different point of view.  A different perspective.

 

But back to my traveling companion...we had a lot of quality time together on Saturday and talked a good bit about this, that, and the other.  At one point I threw out casually something like, "When I lived in Dubai blah blah blah...." and she had to double-take.  "You lived in Dubai? When was that? I had no idea! You just threw that out so casually!"  Yeah, I did, because I figure most everyone knows that about me, even though that was 12 years ago which seems like, and really is, another lifetime.  I don't want to throw it out like it's this huge thing that makes me special or sounds like I am bragging.  So yeah, I guess I toss it out casually. 

 

I did the same thing - tossed it out pretty casually - during our trip about my experience with the Rotary Foundation's Group Study Exchange program that I was fortunate to participate in 6 years ago.  It's weird even now mentioning it all on my blog because I have to wonder if someone reading this thinks that I'm bragging in some way or trying to make someone feel "less than" because of something I have been able to do.  I never want to do that. 

 

I'm not special because of any of this; I'm just blessed.  I've been fortunate enough to do some amazing things in my life so far and I don't think I've really appreciated it all.  In fact, using the word "amazing" feels really strange.  Those things aren't amazing to some people and they are to others.  Perspective.

 

Saturday got me thinking about all of that.  About how I don't think my life has been that exciting or interesting, but the person I was telling my stories to seemed to disagree.  I won't dare to say that she was impressed, but she was interested.  My telling these things about myself added layers to who I am in her eyes.  I became someone a little different than I had been a few hours before.  And it was nice to have a reminder that yeah, I've been blessed and gotten to do some things that other folks will never get to do (and might not want to!).  It reminded me to stop and be grateful.  My tendency is to downplay that I've ever had anything interesting happen to me, but hey, a trip to the grocery store can be interesting if you look at it the right way!  So says the woman who has on occasion danced around the aisles with the shopping cart.  What can I say? Sometimes you get a snappy tune on that Musak they play.

 

I guess my ramble is really about remembering that everyone sees the same thing in different ways.  That everything is important and can be special.  That maybe how we see things is skewed from reality and that someone else's perspective is much more accurate than our own.  It was kind of cool to try and see things through this other person's eyes as she was hearing stories of my life.  You know, like, hey, maybe my life actually has been pretty interesting at times (whereas now a big night that excites me involves going home, getting into my jammies early and watching The Golden Girls while reading a book and going to be around 9:30pm).

 

So maybe now I have a little better perspective on some things.  And maybe I don't.  Time will tell.  But I'm pretty sure I will never be fond of photos!  Maybe if I start telling people that I think taking my picture will steal a piece of my soul that'll help stop the insanity.  Not mine, clearly, but the insanity of the need for photos of me.  Seriously. There are a lot of pictures of me in the world.  I think the world has enough.

 

 

Small changes

As human beings we are creatures of habit and most frequently I am a creature of bad habits.  This is not news to me and I often nurse those bad habits since repercussions are often few and far between.  I will now confess that one of my worst traits is being late. I'm not always late to everything, but I have this complete inability to be on time to work.  When I commuted over an hour to work and had to be at work even earlier than I have to now, I was actually on time or even early. Now, I live about 4 miles away and it takes me the maximum of 20 minutes to get here, but I am perpetually late.  It's not something I am proud of, but it's simply something that is.  Until the past week.

Every time I am late to work it runs through my head that I almost wish someone standing at the door glaring at me when I arrive so that I would feel more urgency in getting there on time.  At the same time, however, I want to be able to change my behavior simply because I know I should, not because someone is threatening me...well, whatever they decide to threaten me with to make me change. 

Finally last week I decided to make a change, just a small one, and see if that would get me to work on time and guess what?  It did!  So far for the past 5 days, I have not only arrived on time to work, but I have been early. Yes, early.  A small miracle indeed! haha!  I'm embarrassed to say exactly what small change I made because it's pretty stupid and piddly, but it worked and has so far been easy enough to stick with. Since I'm seeing such positive results right out of the gate, I think this will be easy enough to stick with.  And I must say that I'm pretty proud of myself too. 

Since I am always telling people to take baby steps and figure out what works for them to make any changes in their lives, I'm really trying to listen to myself.  I've been trying to give up soda cold turkey and finally threw that idea away, but I make every effort not to drink soda each day. I've been drinking a lot of water for years now, so adding in more water isn't going to make a big difference to me in terms of what I drink, but I got to the point of having 2 cans of some form of diet soda every day and now I'm trying not to have one at all each day, but if I decide I really want one, I don't beat myself up about it. Having one every 3 or 4 days is much better than having had 6 or 8 in that same time period!  I actually had a soda last night and afterwards thought, "This wasn't as good as I wanted it to be."  That's a telling thing to me. I plan to keep going forward, with baby steps.

I test drove another small change last night and that was putting down my iPhone and metaphorically walking away (metaphorically because I was laying on my bed watching TV at the time and just turned the phone over since I was too lazy to get up and move it on the other side of the room) from social media last night around 7:30pm.  Lately I've found that I fiddle with my phone and surf Facebook or Twitter until late in the evening at which point I finally realize it's time to get to bed and I never have picked up that book or magazine that I wanted to read.  For a while now I've deliberately tried not to boot up my computer at night because I can easily get caught up in reading blogs and checking various web sites if I do that, but the phone has become a big problem for me too, so I'm going to have to start weaning myself off of my evenings spent scanning social media.  I want a little to go a much longer way than it has so far. 

Small changes. I have faith that they will work.  Soon I'll start making more changes to my diet because that's certainly the most confused and messed up part of my life, but I want to get a firmer handle on the soda thing because I start declaring anything else off limits.  Just gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other I guess!

 

Bon Jovi's "What About Now" or "Why I'm Better Off as a Fandom of One"

Bon Jovi's new record, What About Now, came out on Tuesday and I, of course, sprinted off at lunch time to buy it.  Alas, the only places I've seen it in town - since record stores don't really seem to exist anymore - only  had the regular edition (12 songs) and not the deluxe (15 songs) edition which is why I do more business with Amazon.com than I ever do with local retailers since I seldom find music or books locally that I want, but can always find them on-line.  Of course, my deluxe CD doesn't arrive until Tuesday, so I have a copy of the 12-song CD in my possession as well.  Um...anyone want a free CD next week? I'll have one up for grabs. :o)

So, the new CD...where to begin. I'd heard the tracks What About Now, That's What the Water Made Me, Because We Can, Army of One, Amen and What's Left of Me prior to the concert a couple of weeks ago and prior to my purchase of the disc.  I listened to the BBC Radio One concert that they did earlier this year several times in preparation for the Charlotte show because I wanted to know the new songs.  *shrugs* It's one of the many quirks of being a fangirl.  I liked the songs, but after just coming away with an ambivalent feeling after the concert, I think that tainted my first listenings of the CD.  I listened to it twice the first day and was calling it "average" and "mediocre".  I'm not sure that the "average" label doesn't still apply, but mostly in terms of it's the typical record that the band has been producing in recent years. I was reading a tweet from Eddie Trunk saying that they band hasn't done anything hard rock since 1991's Keep the Faith and that's pretty accurate. I never thought of them has a hard rock band anyway, but my perception of what defines hard rock might be skewed.  The Jovi of recent years is more pop rock and that's ok by me. I'm not sure what I expect when a new record rolls out, but I'm trying to let go of any expectations I might have so they aren't easily dashed.

That's why I think I'm better off as a fandom of one.  It's so easy out here on the internet to find other fans and get into discussions, read reviews and blogs, and find out what people think of the music, but all that seems to do is frustrate me. Sometimes it sways my opinions before I even have the chance to form a true opinion of new music and I have to let that go.  I read some reviews of WAN and a lot of them were bad, saying things like "why can't they  make another record like Slippery When Wet?" (that one has been going around for years) and generally giving the band crap for not making a really guitar-laden, rocking record.  But now that I've listened to the CD several more times, I have to admit that I really like it.  Maybe not every single song (I'm not super into Beautiful World or Room at the End of the World), but it's a pretty solid record, if typical in terms of what they've released since Lost Highway and The Circle.  And labeling it "typical" doesn't make it bad.  It just...is.  *shrugs again*

I found it odd that they were starting a tour so much sooner than the record was coming out, but that is indicative to me that something is wrong within the band. I can't put my finger on it and they all still seem to be smiling and happy, but I think something's not right with the band and that is a sentiment I've seen expressed by others on-line as well and one that I had rolling around in my head before I realized other people thought the same thing too. Maybe it's because Jon wrote most of the songs on his own or with someone other than Richie.  Maybe it's because I have wondered after listening if this didn't start out as a solo project for Jon and then somehow morphed into a band record (in theory, if not in writing).  Something just feels wrong about the whole situation. I will not be shocked if this is the last new Jovi record we get for many years.  Dave has his theater career going writing music for Broadway shows. Richie proved with his recent CD that he can go out and rock all on his own. Tico is an artist and I assume still has his baby clothing line.  They have other things they can do and it's not like they don't all have plenty of money.  Perhpas it just is finally burning a bit that Jon gets all the attention and is the only one that actually has the recording contract and now the rest of the band are salaried players.  I've never cared about Jon Bon Jovi as a solo artist at all, so I would hate to see anything split up the band completely, but I expect this to be their last record and tour for a while. I'm be truly surprised if it's not.

And that may not be a bad thing.  Take a nice, long break.  Regroup.  Do all your solo projects and enjoy life.  Then get together again and write as a band.  Jon and Richie tunes are always the best in my opinion. 

I think I'll just continue to mosey along as a fandom of one now though.  I hate being swayed by the opinions of others that make me question whether I really like songs that I have always enjoyed or make me dislike something before I even give it a chance.  And I hate more hearing the complaints about this, that or the other which only add fuel to my fire of wanting to complain about things related to the band.  Social media and the internet can be great, but they can also be frustrating.  I want to kick back and simply enjoy  my favorite band and the great music they have made over the years.  I think if I can keep that idea in my head and allow myself to back away from a lot of the rest of it, I really will find my joy and enjoyment once again in Bon Jovi. I've loved them since I was 12. I know that's not going away.  But now I want to start to really appreciate them again.  I think I deserve that.  And maybe they kinda do too.

I think I've gone to my last Bon Jovi show

A friend of mine recently said she was going over to my Facebook wall to find my review of the Bon Jovi concert I went to a couple of weeks ago. I even had an email from my father saying he’d been expecting to see something about it.  People at work, who know me well, have asked me “How was the show?”  And I feel like I’ve let them down when I say, “It was just…meh…” and their faces fall, with a little bit of shock thrown in there too.

It makes me kind of sad to post that title, but I do think that the concert I went to a couple of weeks ago really was my last Bon Jovi show. Oh, when they tour again I may look for tickets, but I know I won't ever "settle" for just any old seats and prices continue to go up, so I think my days are done. I just counted 4 concert DVDs of theirs that I have, so I should be all set really.  Actually, when I start going through my Cds, I find more DVDs because I keep forgetting that some came with both. I think I even have one I've never watched which is so unlike me.

The show I went to was with my college roommate, using tickets her husband won from a local radio station. It was very gracious of them to include me and I appreciate it for sure.  As freebie, we knew they were going to be way up in nosebleed territory and they were.  All the way at the opposite end of the arena from the stage, but we could see straight out to them, so while the band was tiny, it wasn't that bad at all.  And they were FREE, so you can't complain.  Well, you could, but hopefully I didn't. Kelli apologized for them a couple of times but I told her not to. No need.  FREE you know.

The show was the standard rockin' Jovi show, but that's the problem. They play the same old stuff. They surprised me by pulling out "Always" for the final song of the THIRD ENCORE (nearly 3 hours of music! Woohoo!) and that was great, but otherwise it was standard fare. Which I know is good for the folks who have never gotten to go to a show before. They need, want, and expect that.  I get it.

What I don't get is that about halfway in, the guy behind me asks me to sit down.  I have to set this up for you though and I know I am venting a bit here and that I have fault in the matter as well. Just know that going in.

We were up really, really high - like only 5 rows behind us to the top probably - and had a straight-on view. I did not have to stand up and do my version of "dancing" which is really just standing there with little movement and in my mind I'm probably dancing. LOL  I did not need to stand up to see.  But I am not accustomed to going to a rock concert and sitting down.  We were, however, in what seemed to be the geriatric section with a lot of folks older than me up there. Not sure about the family behind me as I realized later they had a kid with them (around 10-ish), but still...older feel to our section. I stood at the first song and gave a passing thought now and then to the fact that maybe people could not see behind me, but it was only passing. I didn't look to see if they were sitting or standing or if they could see. I also expected they'd tell me if they could not.  That would make sense to me, but I own up to not paying attention to what they were doing and not caring that maybe 10 people - if that - in the entire section were standing up.

So halfway into the show I did sit for a song because my friend was talking to me. I should have sat for all the ballads, but again, I'm not a sitter at concerts.  When I decided to stand up again after the ballads, that's when the man behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Ma'am, I've spent the last 2 hours watching you scratch your hair (I totally do that a little when I get hot) and scratch your butt (I did NOT do that -
I put my hands on my lower back a couple of times and rubbed a spot ON MY BACK) and I paid as much as you did and would like to enjoy this concert so I'm asking you to please sit down."   I did try saying something about how this was a concert and that's what you did, but I think he said something about not caring about that and then said if I did not sit he was going to go get an attendant.

So I sat because I did not want to cause a scene and his wife looked like she didn't want him to say anything to me, but what I don't get is why did he wait nearly 2 hours and get all riled up and THEN say something to me?  I wouldn't have lasted through more than 2 or 3 songs if someone was in MY way.  And I would have stood up when it became clear that they were not sitting down.  Or said, "My little girl can't see. Would you  mind sitting down?"  Because while him asking me at that point irked me, I would have done it and I think done it with a pretty good attitude in the beginning if he'd only said something to me.

I got a little internal giggle 2 songs later though when Jon Bon Jovi goes "Ok, if there's anyone out there still sitting on your asses, stand up for the Bon Jovi national anthem". (That being "Wanted Dead or Alive".)  Heh. Hee. Ha.  Yeah, he stood up.  But sat down again after that song.  *sigh*

I let the "guilt" fester for a couple of days and turn into righteous indignation (fueled by everyone I told about the incident going, "But you were at a rock concert!!") and then I got over it.  I figure there must have been other people behind me not interested in looking at my wide behind, but I'm honestly baffled by no one saying anything.  It's like how I always worry that I make too much noise for my downstairs neighbors and hope they would actually tell me if it was disturbing them rather than letting the anger and frustration build up.

All of that is not why I don't plan to go to more Jovi shows though. That put a damper on my evening, sure, but it's not why I think I'm done. I just think I'm over it. Not the band, of course, but the shows. As I said, they are pretty much all the same. No new tricks, even if they do new songs.  I won't keep paying for the same dog-and-pony show unless I'm right up near David Bryan, with the fans standing and singing and dancing.  But when you add in the ridiculously high cost of tickets these days, I find it hard to believe that I'll be willing and able to shell out the cash to keep doing the same old thing again.  And that makes me sad. It's the ending of something for me. Something I always really enjoyed.  And I think it's put a damper on my enjoyment of the new CD that came out this week, but hey, that's a blog post for another day. 

~ insert snappy title involving Richard Marx here ~

Back in early December I went with my friend Kelli to see singer Richard Marx on his solo acoustic tour.  If that name rings a bell it's because Richard was quite the popular guy back from around 1987 until the early 90s.  His first hit, "Don't Mean Nothing", came out in 1987 and he's still pretty well known for songs like "Right Here Waiting" and "Hold on to the Nights".  My personal favorite has always been "Take This Heart".

I never got to see Richard back in his heyday and that's probably a good thing because I enjoyed this show so much more.  Most people I told about the show scoffed, but Kelli was game to go and I had already purchased tickets as I knew I wanted to go, even if no one else did.

To be honest, I hadn't really listened to any of Richard's stuff since it stopped getting radio air play for the new songs until some time in early 2011 (or late 2010, it's hard to keep up) when I heard him in a radio interview on a local station and they were playing his song "When You Loved Me".  I loved the song and started hunting up a few of his more recent records.  Then I heard he had an acoustic record and snatched that up in 2012 and just loved it. I'm still behind in filling out all my Marx discography (I spent a lot of time last fall upping the volume of my Night Ranger CD collection you know), but I'll get there eventually.  It's cool in some ways because while the tunes aren't new, they are new-to-me, even if it's older stuff like Rush Street that I bought used a couple of months ago from a local store.

The acoustic record - Stories to Tell - is truly wonderful though so I knew I would enjoy the live show.  I thought I had snagged some pretty good seats, but they were better than I had expected:

Hi Richard!!  Can you see us???  (Yes, I know he wasn't on stage yet.  Humor me.)

It was a very cool venue as well.  McGlohon Theater at Spirit Square is part of the Bluementhal Performing Arts Center in Charlotte, NC and seats 700.  It felt like there could not be that many people in there, but the place was nearly full.  I guess when you're used to venues with 25K or more screaming fans, 700 doesn't seem like a lot.  But I loved that about the place and, of course, loved being so close. I never would have had seats this good 20+ years ago for a show of his.  And I admit that the older I get, the more it is about how close can I get to the band.  It's just more fun being up close.

I don't know what to say about the show except that I really enjoyed it.  Richard is probably the funniest person on Twitter and if you don't follow him, you really should.  He's just damned hilarious and he kept that up during the show. Between shots of self-deprecating humor directed at how his career has evolved over the years to taking a few shots at the ballads he is known for, he kept the audience entertained the entire time.  The man could easily do stand-up if he ever wants to change careers.

What a lot of folks don't know is that he has had a thriving career as a songwriter and producer even if he's not churning out Top 40 "hits" for radio anymore.  He did play those hits - "Right Here Waiting", "Hazard", "Take This Heart" (squee!! My favorite!!!) - and many others.

The song that hits closet to home for me is the song he wrote about his late father several years after he died called "Through My Veins".  I had been listening to that song and knew it was a love song, but hadn't thought it was a love song from a son to a father.  Oh, I knew it didn't always sound like a romantic love song, but I figured the "through my veins" wasn't so much literal as how people say someone just got under their skins and things like that. However, I had recently purchased a few weeks before the concert a CD/DVD combo of a PBS concert Richard did and he told the story of the song and then sang it. I cried my eyes out because it made me think of my mother.  Heck, even typing this it makes me get a little weepy, but I managed only a sniffle or two during the concert. I figured it would not be good to totally break down smack dab in the middle of things.  Might freak people out.

I want to go on and on about how much I enjoyed this show and the intimate setting and Richard's humor, but other than writing out a set list I'm not sure what else to really say.  His voice is in tip-top form - as is his hair, though I'm sure we all miss that sweet mullet he sported in the 80s - and I love to hear singers singing live and have them sound just like they do on the record without it being the result of lip synching.  He's not a studio creation and never was.  He's the real deal with the talent to back it up.

The only minor disappointment for me is that he did not sing the song "Loved" which is probably my "other favorite" Richard Marx song. I wasn't expecting him to sing it, but had hoped it might turn up. It's such a lovely song and perfect in that setting.  Eh. No matter. The show was still great.  Except... There was this obnoxious guy sitting behind us who would NOT stop singing along!  Even when Richard set up a song by saying, "...and if you know this song...don't sing along. You'll ruin it."  Uh, yeah, this guy fit that bill.  Although he did not ruin it for me, Kelli was closer to him so I'm not sure how wells he could tune him out.  All the dirty looks in the world that we kept shooting him did not work.  He just kept singing at the top of his lungs.  And I must confess when Richard started, I think it was "Right Here Waiting", the guy said - in a voice filled with girlish delight - "That's my FAVORITE!"  I nearly fell out laughing but it seemed like an inappropriate thing to do at that point and I didn't really want the entire audience starting at me as I gasped for air in the midst of hysterical laughter.

All in all, a great evening with Mr. Marx. I hope I get to repeat it again some day.