Earlier today I wrote about dealing with my inner monster, the one that can't seem to stop eating or thinking about food. While driving home this evening I realized that I had left out a key part of all of that which is WHY The Monster stays on my mind. It's simple really. I'm afraid. Terrified, even.
I'm scared to death that I'll regain all of the weight that I've lost. Or any of it, really. I've recently regained 6 pounds and I'm scared that it's the beginning of the end.
If I regain that weight, I really don't know what I'll do. I'll be so disappointed in myself and kind of heartbroken, but more than that I think I'll feel very, very defeated. I worked hard and I did something I never thought I would be able to do. Losing weight was something I always desperately wanted, deep down inside, but I would never put the effort into it to make the dream a reality.
Am I skinny? No. I might have been once, back in high school, but I'm never going to be "skinny" again or even thin and that's ok. I don't have to be skinny. I just have to be better. Better than I used to be and that's what I am today. I like the person who I am now. I always said I liked myself in the past and perhaps I did. I certainly didn't hate myself. Or did I? I know that I used weight to hide behind because it was so much easier than to stop hiding. Easier to feed the fear and insecurity with another cookie than face those fears and try to change. I didn't take care of my body or my spirit and that's certainly not someone who loves or likes themselves. So maybe while claiming to like myself, I was lying to everyone. Something to think about.
The Monster scares me a great deal, because I see what it can steal from me. This newfound sense of accomplishment. The newfound self-confidence (if you thought I had it in the past, well, it was just a defense mechanism and it wasn't real, trust me). I've always thought that I knew who I was, but the past 20 months have made me question that. Am I who I always thought I was? And if I'm not, just who am I?
I can't really answer all those questions - or don't want to right now because I'm jonesing to go take a hot shower - but whoever I am, I'm not the same person that started out in February 2015 with a determination to finally, FINALLY lose the weight. I don't ever want to be that person again and I'm afraid that The Monster can take it all away from me if I let it. I am happier now. I'm more active now. I'm definitely a snappier dresser. haha I think I'm more fun now or at least willing to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I wouldn't have considered in the past. I can say with total honesty that I like myself now. The way that I am today (possibly exactly today because I have on a cute blue dress and I'm seriously obsessed with the blue dresses for some reason). I'm proud of myself...but I'm still scared. I want to keep moving forward and not be dragged back to the person I used to be.
I'm scared to death that I'll regain all of the weight that I've lost. Or any of it, really. I've recently regained 6 pounds and I'm scared that it's the beginning of the end.
If I regain that weight, I really don't know what I'll do. I'll be so disappointed in myself and kind of heartbroken, but more than that I think I'll feel very, very defeated. I worked hard and I did something I never thought I would be able to do. Losing weight was something I always desperately wanted, deep down inside, but I would never put the effort into it to make the dream a reality.
Am I skinny? No. I might have been once, back in high school, but I'm never going to be "skinny" again or even thin and that's ok. I don't have to be skinny. I just have to be better. Better than I used to be and that's what I am today. I like the person who I am now. I always said I liked myself in the past and perhaps I did. I certainly didn't hate myself. Or did I? I know that I used weight to hide behind because it was so much easier than to stop hiding. Easier to feed the fear and insecurity with another cookie than face those fears and try to change. I didn't take care of my body or my spirit and that's certainly not someone who loves or likes themselves. So maybe while claiming to like myself, I was lying to everyone. Something to think about.
The Monster scares me a great deal, because I see what it can steal from me. This newfound sense of accomplishment. The newfound self-confidence (if you thought I had it in the past, well, it was just a defense mechanism and it wasn't real, trust me). I've always thought that I knew who I was, but the past 20 months have made me question that. Am I who I always thought I was? And if I'm not, just who am I?
I can't really answer all those questions - or don't want to right now because I'm jonesing to go take a hot shower - but whoever I am, I'm not the same person that started out in February 2015 with a determination to finally, FINALLY lose the weight. I don't ever want to be that person again and I'm afraid that The Monster can take it all away from me if I let it. I am happier now. I'm more active now. I'm definitely a snappier dresser. haha I think I'm more fun now or at least willing to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I wouldn't have considered in the past. I can say with total honesty that I like myself now. The way that I am today (possibly exactly today because I have on a cute blue dress and I'm seriously obsessed with the blue dresses for some reason). I'm proud of myself...but I'm still scared. I want to keep moving forward and not be dragged back to the person I used to be.
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