The Things I Won't Be

Apparently when I’m tired and on vacation, I write stream-of-consciousness notes on my iPhone and find them later. I can neither confirm or deny that happens after I’ve been up till 4am, killing 2 bottles of wine with my bestie and then having her make me try on nearly every dress in her closet – including her wedding dress – some of which were at least 2 sizes smaller than yours truly. But it could have happened then. It’s all a blur at this point. In a good way.  

I think we could learn a lot about each other if we looked at the notes on folks’ phones. I tend to store all kinds of things in those notes, from grocery lists to random bits of wannabe poetry to, well, to things that aren’t your business. Hahahahahaha I act like I don’t tell everyone my business these days. I’m so funny.  

I don’t remember what precipitated writing this, but after re-reading it, I kinda like it. Maybe even a lot. 

The Things I Won’t Be

 

I won't be the woman who's ashamed. 

I won't be the woman who refuses to deal with her problems I won't be the one who hides because she's afraid people will see her. 

I won't be afraid to face my problems head on. To fight for what is worth fighting for. 

I won't be the woman waiting for someone else to save her when I can damned well save myself. 

Who hides behind her mother's skirts. 

Who needs someone else to tell me I'm pretty. 

Who needs your approval or flinches when you disapprove. 

Who sits idly by while the world keeps moving around me. 

Who puts on a pretty facade while inside my guts are churning. 

Who lets anyone else tell me what to do or how to live my life.

That is so unlike me. Except when it's not.

About 10 months ago I declared it "The Year of Yes" (sorry Shonda Rhimes, I only heard of your book recently). I don't really remember what precipitated that decision, but it came up in a conversation with a co-worker shortly after my birthday and then it became so. The plan was to try saying "yes" to more things than I say "no" to. I've done so-so with that personal challenge. I honestly don't think about it a lot of the time and just go with whatever my gut thinks I should or shouldn't do. I mean, a random "yes" to everything is never going to be a good idea, although it could land you in some interesting situations I suppose. But not necessarily good ones.

Sometimes I stop, as I did today, and realize that I haven't really been saying yes to much lately or even trying to find opportunities to say yes. With less than 2 months left in the year (it started around October 19th), I decided I need to work a little harder to find those opportunities. Or to at least see them when they present themselves. I'm not great at recognizing opportunities, even when they are hovering right in front of my eyes. I get so caught up in whatever nonsense is happening on a daily basis that I think I overlook opportunities that come along. My goal for the next few months is to try and keep my eyes open a little more, my mind open a lot more, and try to see the things that are coming into my life that I need to grab a hold of and enjoy the ride.

I've definitely had some fun in the past year. I've opened my mind to things. I've done things that I consider outside of my normal nature, though when I said one time that whatever I was doing "just isn't like me", a friend responded with something along the lines of how maybe who I am now is the real me and who I was before isn't so much that person anymore. Who knows. I imagine whoever I am at any point in time is the "real" me as it is indicative of who I am at that point in my life, with those particular life experiences.

I'll confess that I like who I am more now than who I was a year ago. Although at the same time, I can't say that I really remember who that person was. I'm not sure if I'm actually a different person or if it's all in my mind. Oh sure, I didn't wear a lot of dresses until about a year ago, but I'm not sure that's indicative of a giant personality change or anything. It's just a heck of a lot of fun messing with the heads of women I work with who can't seem to figure out why I'm suddenly wearing dresses. Hint: I can fit into some of the ones I had now, so I wear them. Where my obsessive need to buy blue dresses came from, however, I have no idea.

Mostly I feel like I'm happier now than I was before and friends have expressed that they see it in me. It's nice that it's showing through, rather than my standard MO of being seriously grumpy and unpleasant. Life is too short not to enjoy it and that's what I try to remind myself. Even when enjoying is sitting in bed watching TV on a Friday night.

One thing that has sadly fallen off of my radar a long, long way is my relationship with God. While I've been out running around buying pink sweaters and blue dresses, I still haven't found a church home in my "new" city after living here for 4 years. Church was a huge part of my life before and filled with so many friends and good times. Now I just roll over on Sunday morning and go back to sleep, grateful for a chance to sleep in and a lazy day ahead. That's not who I want to be or how I want to live. Perhaps as I try to refocus on saying "yes" more the next few months, I need to turn that focus more to the things that would please God rather than simply what pleases me. The things that do more for his glory than for my own. Those things necessarily have to be mutually exclusive. I can have fun and enjoy my life and all the while be doing things that glorify the lord. I've lost my focus on that, but am going to try and turn it around.

When "The Year of Yes" ends in a few months, I have to be ready to turn it into "The Life of Yes" or maybe just "I'll Say Yes When I Feel Like it and Otherwise Leave Me Alone". The latter is so much more like who I think I am, but as long as I keep looking for changes to grow and change, I think it's all good.

I'm not inspirational. Or brave. I'm really just a big old dork.

“You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration…”

Sappier words were likely never spoken. Or in this case, sung. Thank you, Chicago – the band, not the city – for those wonderful words, sprinkled like sugar on a donut and performed at weddings everywhere since the late 1980s. 

Inspiration. That’s a strange word to me, but it’s come up a good bit lately.

Yesterday, my friend Natalie told me that I had inspired one of her song choices in her Zumba class. The song is called “Sexy”. Ummm…I think I laughed out loud. Right in her face. Because let’s be real - putting me and the word “sexy” into the same sentence is laughable. It just is. Snarky? Sure. Sassy? Most definitely. But sexy? Seriously, I’m laughing again as I type this. Sexy I ain’t. 

Oh, I understood what Natalie was talking about when she elaborated a little bit, since I seem to be having my own personal sexual revolution here in my mid-40s (Holy crap! How did I get in my mid-40s?!?!), but the notion that I was in some way inspirational for that song is so far out there that I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s flattering I suppose, but makes me uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as this nasty summer weather, but it’s a close second.

Now, I’m not fishing for compliments by writing this post. I’m just trying to express my confusion or amusement or whatever you want to call it. When someone says I’ve inspired them or that I’m brave, I do my best to deflect all of that. I’m the girl who screams “Look at me!! Look at me!!” and then freaks out when you look at her.

Some people seem to be inspired or impressed (also another word that makes me uncomfortable) that I’ve shared some very personal information about a medical situation, but I swear, the next person who calls me brave is getting backhanded. I’m NOT brave, dammit!! I’m scared and confused and kinda pissed off about the whole thing. I still feel like some weirdo with a problem that most folks don’t have, even though I’ve learned that a whole heck of a lot of folks do have this same problem. That’s why I’m fighting back. That’s why I’m trying to take control of my health and figure things out. That’s not bravery. That’s self-preservation. It’s not wanting to feel like a freak with a problem and a freak is what I felt like in the beginning. I’m better now, but still frustrated and just wishing this problem would go away. 

I’ve talked ad nauseam about my weight loss journey the past year and a half and I know folks are tired of hearing about that too. It turns out, however, that some folks have been inspired (there’s that word again) by my journey and while that is nice to hear, it still makes me uncomfortable. I was always the kid who hid behind her mother’s skirts to avoid attention and that is still at the core of who I am. I might holler for attention, but as I said before, it messes with my head when I actually get that attention.

Ultimately, while I’m not comfortable thinking I’ve inspired anyone to do anything, I guess that if this crazy journey of life that I’m on has helped someone in some way, then it’s all good. I’ve shared things because I feel that I have to. It’s not always that I want to (Do you really think I want everyone all up in my vagina?? Not so much…unless you’re a really hot guy and then we can totally discuss it.), but it would help me to know that I’m not alone in things I’m dealing with and I imagine it helps others too.

Once again, I’m rambling as I am want to do. I’m silly. I’m sarcastic. But I’m still not sexy. Trust me, if you saw my favorite Disney pajamas that I wear in the winter time, you’d totally agree. It's always interesting to try to understand the way that other people see us, since I'd guess we rarely see ourselves the same way.

So I’ll go on being scared and apprehensive. Worried and confused. Normal, I suppose. Dammit. I never wanted to be normal either!! Sheesh.