I was standing at the sink in the restroom at work, brushing
my teeth after lunch and looking at my hair. Thinking “What a mess!” because
I’m trying to get a little length on my hair so that my hairdresser and I can
play with the color a little bit. Every time I ever try to grow out my hair,
even a little bit, it’s a debacle. I’m just a girl who is meant to have short
hair and it’s still short, but it’s also kind of messy right now. I hate that.
I like every hair in place (this is why, even with short hair, I used too much
hair spray in the 80s). Every shoe lined up with its mate. Every fitted sheet
folded just right (that’s right, I am a badass because I can properly fold a
fitted sheet). I like order and right now, my life is more in disarray than
order.
I’ve been saying for months that I’m eating like a machine.
I eat and eat and am always hungry and it’s finally caught up with me with a
gain of about 5-7 pounds. That’s unacceptable and I am going to have to fight
to get those pounds off again. I know I can do it because I’ve done it before,
but I also know it’s going to be very hard. I like food and I like to eat, but
when I find myself eating and I *know* deep in my bones that I am not really
hungry, but I am doing it anyway, well, there’s a problem there. Life is messy
and the road to better health is scattered with chocolate bars and cupcake
wrappers.
These days I’m also fighting some mental demons. Knowing
that I’m reasonably unarmed for battle (uh...did I just call myself dumb? Huh…),
I decided to go see a counselor to see if she can help me get things sorted
out. I’ve only been twice so far, but I can see we’re about to dig into
territory that is amazingly uncomfortable to me. I have a big mouth and spout a
lot of nonsense into the world, but the truth is, I have pretty low
self-esteem. Well, not every day, but a lot of the time. Sure, sometimes I run
my mouth about how amazing I am and I mean it when I say it (mostly anyway),
but she’s going to start asking the tough questions. I’m not sure I want to
delve too deeply into that right now, but suffice it to say that she asked me
something about how I reacted when men expressed an interest in me and I said,
“Well, they don’t.” I’ve said it many times before, but if a man is attracted
to me, he’d need to hit me over the head with a neon sign because I’m never
going to notice it. Why? Well, because my entire life has been a series of me
being attracted to men who are not remotely interested in me and vice versa. I
just shut down that part of my life and my thinking and it would never occur to
me that any man might be attracted to me. I’m truly oblivious. I could see the fire light up in the
counselor’s eyes when I said that I 100% never thought men were interested in
me. Oh yeah, I’ve given her something to work with alright. Life is messy and
apparently so is my brain. All kinds of messy.
Work is stressing me out these days, but then again, it
likely always is. I just feel so behind and everything is important, but I keep
pushing back one VERY important thing. If I leave work tomorrow without having
truly finished a specific schedule, well, that’s not good. To put it mildly.
I’m better than this. I know what has to be done, but I somehow end each day
without additional progress being made. Life is messy and right now, so is my
desk.
Yeah. Life is messy, just like my hair. Maybe I should rename
the “Year of Yes” the “Year of MESS”, whatever it may bring. So far it’s
shaking me up, but ultimately I think it’ll be in the best way possible. Say
yes to the mess! Maybe I can get that on a bumper sticker.
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