I would swear I've used that title before somewhere, but maybe it's simply a statement that's run through my brain often enough that it seems very familiar. I do spend entirely too much time thinking about my thighs. Are they too big? Is there too much fat surrounding them? Will I ever be able to walk without them rubbing together?!?! So many questions. But the other day I realized that, while it has taken me nearly 45 years, I have finally come to terms with the size of my thighs.
I'm a big girl. Always have been, always will be. It's in the genes. If you'd ever seen my mother or her sister or their mother, you'd know that I come by it naturally. I told my oldest niece recently, when she mentioned something like how we had similar hips/builds, that "child, we have good birthin' hips." (Sometimes I like to put on the Southern accent thickly, for emphasis - but it's never as bad as Olympia Dukakis in "Steel Magnolias".) To which she sassily replied, "Yeah, but it's not like you've ever given me any little cousins!" (or something like that - she'll correct me if I am misquoting her I have no doubt) I really have no idea where the kid gets her sass. No idea at all. *tries to look innocent* But yeah, I can loose all the weight in the world and I'll never be small and that's ok. It's who I am. It's just sad that it's taken so long to be more comfortable in my own skin.
I don't have any interest in running on a regular basis, but on Sunday morning, I ran. Well, I ran for maybe 4 minutes, but I ran without stopping and whenever I run it's usually short sprints at most, so this was a big deal to me. I wanted to stop...until I didn't want to stop. I pushed and prodded and told myself "Just go a little farther" until my body said it really was time to stop. When I did, I realized how damned good it felt. Not stopping, but how good it felt to push myself. To challenge what I believed I could do and prove that I could do more. How good it feels to not stop, even if you want to, but to keep on going because you know that you can. Because my body will allow me to do it.
A year ago, I'm not sure my body would have stood for this kind of thing. I had just finished a weight loss research study and lost about 20 pounds, putting me around 198 - 200. My body was doing better and I was treating it better, but I wasn't as active as I am now. Oh, I'm not super duper active by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm better than I was before. That's how I gauge things - determining if I'm better than I was before.
I'm getting far away from my original thoughts though, so let me circle back around. After my workout on Sunday, I realized the power that I have in my muscles now. My thighs will never, ever be thin, but they are pretty solidly full of muscle. Oh sure, there's a nice layer of fat around the muscle in places - I will always have curves and some jiggly parts - but when I do squats or plies, I can feel the muscle in my thighs. They are even rock hard in some places. I'm fascinated by that and it reminds me that appearances can be deceiving. Sure, my thighs are big, but they are solid, too. They can do some amazing things, like help me run when I can't usually run that long or that far.
I talk entirely too much about weight loss and am sure I place too much emphasis on appearance, even if I am not always that enthusiastic about my own, but for the first time in memory, I truly feel that I've come to terms with the size of my thighs. Oh, I'll never complain if I finally manage to get my diet in better shape so that I can lose some of that fat layer, but I'm also not eyeing other women's bodies and wishing they were mine. I'm giving up worrying about what I look like in comparison to someone else. I can't make that a factor in my life. I won't make it a competition because I can't and won't compete with someone else. I'll only compete with myself. To push myself when I need to be pushed. To work a little harder today than yesterday. To appreciate my body how it is, right now, and the ridiculously amazing things of which it is capable.
Society at large can keep their notions of what is a "perfect body" because I already have a perfect body. MY perfect body. It's perfect for me and it can do the most amazing things (I know I just said that, but I think it bears repeating, haha). I won't let myself forget that. Not again.
So tonight at boot camp, if Melissa tells us to run, I'm going to run. If my body says don't, we'll reach a compromise and do what works for both of us, but we'll keep going. I'm not stopping. Never again. Because this feels too damned good and I damned well deserve it.
I'm a big girl. Always have been, always will be. It's in the genes. If you'd ever seen my mother or her sister or their mother, you'd know that I come by it naturally. I told my oldest niece recently, when she mentioned something like how we had similar hips/builds, that "child, we have good birthin' hips." (Sometimes I like to put on the Southern accent thickly, for emphasis - but it's never as bad as Olympia Dukakis in "Steel Magnolias".) To which she sassily replied, "Yeah, but it's not like you've ever given me any little cousins!" (or something like that - she'll correct me if I am misquoting her I have no doubt) I really have no idea where the kid gets her sass. No idea at all. *tries to look innocent* But yeah, I can loose all the weight in the world and I'll never be small and that's ok. It's who I am. It's just sad that it's taken so long to be more comfortable in my own skin.
I don't have any interest in running on a regular basis, but on Sunday morning, I ran. Well, I ran for maybe 4 minutes, but I ran without stopping and whenever I run it's usually short sprints at most, so this was a big deal to me. I wanted to stop...until I didn't want to stop. I pushed and prodded and told myself "Just go a little farther" until my body said it really was time to stop. When I did, I realized how damned good it felt. Not stopping, but how good it felt to push myself. To challenge what I believed I could do and prove that I could do more. How good it feels to not stop, even if you want to, but to keep on going because you know that you can. Because my body will allow me to do it.
A year ago, I'm not sure my body would have stood for this kind of thing. I had just finished a weight loss research study and lost about 20 pounds, putting me around 198 - 200. My body was doing better and I was treating it better, but I wasn't as active as I am now. Oh, I'm not super duper active by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm better than I was before. That's how I gauge things - determining if I'm better than I was before.
I'm getting far away from my original thoughts though, so let me circle back around. After my workout on Sunday, I realized the power that I have in my muscles now. My thighs will never, ever be thin, but they are pretty solidly full of muscle. Oh sure, there's a nice layer of fat around the muscle in places - I will always have curves and some jiggly parts - but when I do squats or plies, I can feel the muscle in my thighs. They are even rock hard in some places. I'm fascinated by that and it reminds me that appearances can be deceiving. Sure, my thighs are big, but they are solid, too. They can do some amazing things, like help me run when I can't usually run that long or that far.
I talk entirely too much about weight loss and am sure I place too much emphasis on appearance, even if I am not always that enthusiastic about my own, but for the first time in memory, I truly feel that I've come to terms with the size of my thighs. Oh, I'll never complain if I finally manage to get my diet in better shape so that I can lose some of that fat layer, but I'm also not eyeing other women's bodies and wishing they were mine. I'm giving up worrying about what I look like in comparison to someone else. I can't make that a factor in my life. I won't make it a competition because I can't and won't compete with someone else. I'll only compete with myself. To push myself when I need to be pushed. To work a little harder today than yesterday. To appreciate my body how it is, right now, and the ridiculously amazing things of which it is capable.
Society at large can keep their notions of what is a "perfect body" because I already have a perfect body. MY perfect body. It's perfect for me and it can do the most amazing things (I know I just said that, but I think it bears repeating, haha). I won't let myself forget that. Not again.
So tonight at boot camp, if Melissa tells us to run, I'm going to run. If my body says don't, we'll reach a compromise and do what works for both of us, but we'll keep going. I'm not stopping. Never again. Because this feels too damned good and I damned well deserve it.
