(Not Necessarily Such) Great Expectations

I was having a conversation recently with someone about expectation versus anticipation.  From simply reading the words, I see a slightly negative connotation to the former and a more positive one to the latter.  I realize that they are virtually synonymous terms, but to me, to expect something is more like having to do your homework or taking out the trash or, say, getting up at 4am to work out before going to work entirely too early in the morning. If I am anticipating something it’s more along the lines of what I see as more positive stuff, like cake on your birthday or a hot shower after the expected nastiness of mowing the lawn. That sort of thing.

So for a couple of weeks I’ve tossed those words around in my brain and this morning finally locked in on something. Part of my problem (ok, I have many problems, but today we’re just dealing with one of them!) I s that I think I expect too much. From basically everything and everyone in my life. Wow. That’s a biggie for sure.

Every day when I start out my drive to work, I take advantage of the time and the quiet to pray. I have the 5 things I’m praying about for the next year, but I also pray for the prayer requests I know about – friends and family and even strangers who need to be lifted up. Or sometimes I just let my train of thought jump the track because if no one else in the world can keep up with me, I know that God surely can. He made me, after all.  He knows my mind even when I do not.

My mind is always going 90 miles an hour which really drives me insane.  And others I am sure.  Am I the only one who can’t seem to make their brain slow down? Like, ever?  I think that’s part of why I don’t always feel rested in the mornings.  I know I wake up at least twice during the night, but when I do my mind wants to instantly jump back into thinking a thousand thoughts and I hate it. It’s so hard to control.

Anyway, to get to the point… This morning I was praying about the “usual suspects” and sometimes I pray more in-depth for my 5 things and others times it’s more of a hitting the high notes because God knows what I need and He knows what I want and He’s going to do the best thing, the right thing, for me regardless of what I want or think I want.  And I gave those 5 things up to go because I knew I could not do anything with them and that He had to take over.

As I am driving alone my commute, I clearly hear a voice in my head saying, “"Oh honey, you are not in control of anything that is going on right now! But you are so cute for thinking that you are!" And then I swear I felt God pat me on the head and laugh. *sigh* At least He said I was cute. *pouting*  But this is not actually the point. Merely a little side story. 

The point – going back to my original train of thought – is that I had a realization that I tend to have expectations about things and that are never fulfilled.  So maybe I need to toss those aside for a while and just go with some anticipation.  And maybe not even though in the end.  This is usually my favorite time of year. The weather turns cooler, the leaves turn the most beautiful colors. My birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all roll around (I got no use for New Year’s Eve though).  What happens with it all, however, is that I expect all of those things to be something greater than they are. I always, always expect my birthday to be something special and it always, always falls flat. Always.  I can’t even tell you what it is that I want from my birthday, but I never get it.  So this year I decided to change my perspective and I no longer have any expectations about having this amazingly, fabulously wonderful birthday.  Quite a few weeks ago I decided to take the day off of work and made some plans for how to spend my day. Just me. Doing exactly what I want to do.  That way I can anticipate the plans I have made and have no special expectations of anything else or anyone else.  I’m really looking forward to my birthday next week because of that and hey, if anything else comes along to add in to my day, then that’s great. But if not, then I already have something to look forward to.

I decided this morning to apply that idea to the rest of the holiday season that is coming along. I always – for some reason that I can’t fathom – want some big Hallmark holiday to happen and it never does. And it’s not like it was that way when I was growing up, so maybe I’ve watched one too many Lifetime movies or something. LOL  I can’t necessarily even say specific things I want or ways I want those days to be, but they are always sorely lacking. So I’m putting away any expectations I have on what those holidays are “supposed” to be like.  Instead I’ll just anticipate the changing of the seasons and then holidays and take them as they come.  Well, at least that’s what I’ll try to do.  And if it doesn’t work out quite right this time around, it’ll just be good practice for next year.