My mid-life crisis of hapiness

Lately I've been really, really happy and quite frankly, it's messing with my head. Strange as it may sound, I'm not sure how to handle that. I would not say I'm a particularly unhappy person as a rule. Crabby, complaining, whining and snarky, sure, but unhappy? Not necessarily. Sometimes I simply want to vent and then I move on.

I don't skip down the street or whistle a happy tune - although I do jump up now and then and have a dance party in my office, especially if Tom Jones's "It's Not Unusual" comes on the radio - but I would never classify myself as unhappy. These days though, I seem to be a touch too much on the other side. Oh trust me, people have noticed (for good or bad). I think my co-workers are a little disturbed at times, but otherwise it seems to be a pleasant surprise to most everyone else.

It's fascinating to me to be happy and not be able to trace it to a particular reason. And NO, this is not about a man, as a friend queried the other day. You should never pin your happiness on a person because they will always let you down. That's what humans do and we're all human. This seems to be bubbling up from inside me for no particular reason and I think I like it all the more because of that.

I walked outside leaving work the other evening and the sky was blue, a light breeze was blowing, birds were singing and suddenly, anything else going on earlier in the day vanished and I was happy. Peaceful. Possibly even a little joyous. For whatever reason, since my birthday last October, I seem to be embracing the lighter, brighter side of life.

I guess it started with my birthday gift to myself - finally getting to see Night Ranger live. I've loved them since the 80s when I spent every afternoon in the fall of 8th grade listening to the Midnight Madness album on my brother's old stereo while  doing my homework. My hard-core love for them resurfaced about 5 years ago and when I found out they'd be playing basically in my own backyard, well, it was an easy decision. Add in Def Leppard as the headliners and Foreigner to boot and I was instantly sold. After about 4 hours of classic hits from 3 great bands, I declared it the "best birthday party EVER!" and it really was.

The following week I was chatting with a co-worker and declared that this next year of my life would be “Year of Yes”. The only “rules” are that I try to say yes more than I say no to things and try to get out of my comfort zone and let me assure you, it is working. I started keeping a journal of the things I say yes to and how that experience turns out or makes me feel. It has ranged from stepping out of my social comfort zone and going places and meeting new people to buying cute little dresses that are pretty form-fitting, which is not something I would have considered doing a year ago.

All I’ve been able to figure out is that I’m having a mid-life crisis and you know what? I say, bring it on! If this is what a mid-life crisis is, then everyone should be having one. Right now. This is the best thing that’s happened to me in quite possibly my entire life. I’ve never felt happy like this, I’ve never felt as comfortable with my body as I do now, I’ve never been more willing to step outside of myself and my comfort zone than I am these days.

So bring on more of this mid-life crisis if it brings on more happiness! Up next, I’m taking a chair dancing class with a couple of friends, one of whom said I was the last person on the planet that she would ever, EVER think would want to do something like that. I say, good for me! If I can surprise people at 44-years-old – including myself – then I’m pretty sure I can do damned near anything. And I’m certain that I’m going to try.  

How to look good naked

As I was getting ready this morning after my shower, I realized that somehow over the course of the past year, I've started to look good naked. Oh sure, I've lost a few pounds and that changes your body and makes a difference, but that's not all of it. These days I look at myself in the mirror and actually feel good about what I see. I think I look pretty good. Now, I'm not saying that anybody else would see my body the same way, but I'm also not necessarily offering anybody else the opportunity to give an opinion.

When I look at myself naked in the mirror, I'm no longer seeing all the fat. I don't see someone overweight (although the charts still say that at 5' 7" and 175lbs, I am). I bypass wishing my thighs were a little bit smaller or my belly didn't have a pooch. What I see are my toned shoulders, a defined collar bone, trim neck. I see where I've got definition in my waist and maybe, possibly even the hint of some definition in my abs. I see where my butt has gotten flatter (which I'm totally ok with!) and even if my hips haven't really gotten any trimmer, I can absolutely see the changes in my body.

Ok. Sure. I'm 44 years old and wish I had breasts more like so did when I was 24 (or like I believe I had when I was 24...I'm convinced they were once perky, but I have no actual recollection or proof of that), but barring any money appearing for me to have the girls lifted, nature has decreed that they are going to sag. But you know what? Looking in the mirror this morning I realized that it's ok. I still think they look good and hey, they are healthy and real! Perky is over-rated and you can fix that with a good push-up bra and some underwire anyway.

Believe me, getting to this point has been a long time coming. It's not something I ever would've done prior to some weight loss and it's not necessarily something I stand around doing all the time now. But when I look in the mirror and see myself without clothes on, I'm okay with it. This is HUGE. So very huge. I never wanted to look at myself naked in the past, but now you know what? I'm kinda proud! Because dammit, I earned this body. I've worked hard over the past year to get this body and I'm going to appreciate it and be proud of it.

So, how do you look good naked? Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, it starts with looking in the mirror and making the choice to like what I see. Flaws and imperfections? I'm sure they are there, but I don't see them anymore because I choose not to. It's one of the best feelings in the world. I highly recommend it.

Hey February, I think I love you

T.S. Eliot (or as my friend John called him in college, “the T-ster”) said April is the cruelest month, but sometimes as a single person I think February better fits that distinction. We’re bombarded with Valentine’s Day as soon as the clock chimes midnight on Christmas Day (and sometimes even earlier!) and so much importance is placed on that day by the retail establishments that it can be demoralizing. It doesn’t particularly affect me anymore because the older I get the less I give a flyin’ flip about a lot of things, this being one of them.  Valentine’s Day? That’s kind of a gimme for romance, but as Blanche Devereaux once said, “Get lucky on a Tuesday morning, then call me”. 

I actually like the month of February. A lot. To me, it’s not a winter month so much as a not-quite-spring month. It always seems so hopeful, with all the bright reds and pinks and happy smiling hearts that Hallmark throws at us (and I’m all about discounted candy on the 15^th…I may have a serious candy issue…). There’s always a post-holiday let down that comes in January, but then February arrives and it feels like we turn a corner.

For some it’ll be Mardi Gras celebrations and for others it’s the arrival of the Lenten season and what that means to them.  I grew up in a Baptist church and became a Presbyterian as an adult (and currently have been regularly visiting a Lutheran church, so denominational confusion is part of my life it seems) and I don’t always give up something for Lent since it wasn’t a part of my traditions growing up. Some years I choose to incorporate something positive into my life, rather than eliminate something that seems negative. I’m still deciding on what I’m going to do during Lent this year. Adding in a dedicated prayer and quiet time with God really should be at the top of my list because I have gone woefully astray from that in the past year. I have never enjoyed reading the Bible, so I should probably work on incorporating that into my 40 days as well, but we’ll see. Those would certainly be positive steps to take in my life. Right now it’s leaning toward giving up brownies and cake because sometimes I think my life is made up of going to work and then finding a way to eat baked goods every day. I’m still not sure how I’ve maintained a weight loss with what I frequently consume on any given day. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow 10 pounds heavier and be surprised that it happened.

The bigger picture of February for me, however, is that I often make life changes or have interesting new experiences during this month. I’m not sure how it happened, but now I eye each February 1^st with a question of “What will happen this year?” Sometimes it’s nothing, but other times, well, it’s sure been something.

One year I moved halfway around the world, jumping at an opportunity I was more afraid to let pass me by than I was to say yes to. It didn’t turn out the way I’d planned, but I wouldn’t change that decision for anything.  Two years after that, I was accepting a new job in the middle of February and getting ready to make another move, but this time it was back to my home town and to be closer to family. Another good decision made that I can’t regret…even when 6 years later I started February being laid off from that same job. Ultimately that turned out to be the best thing for me, but it did make February 2009 a bit scarier than the others.

In February 2003 and February 2006 I had some seriously fun Bon Jovi concert experiences and anyone who knows me knows how much I love those boys and that band.  Having the rock star of my dreams, David Bryan, acknowledge my existence on the planet was so much fun. Having my father with me at the show – my Bon Jovi concert going buddy since I was 14 – was even better. We have some great memories of those shows over the decades.

February 2007 probably brought my favorite February experience though as that’s when I got to travel to Australia for 5 weeks. Australia had been a dream of mine since high school and one I never thought I could achieve, but thanks to the Rotary Foundation’s Group Study Exchange program I was able to not only visit, but meet so many wonderful people and spend 5 weeks all over Western Australia, seeing and doing so very much. It’s hard to believe it’s been 9 years now since that trip. Time does fly.

This year February may not bring much of anything new or different or exciting into my life. I won’t be able to say for sure until March 1^st. So far it’s got some interesting prospects laid out before me and as I’m in the midst of my “Year of Yes” challenge to myself to be open to more experiences, for all I know, February 2016 might be the most amazing one yet. All I know for sure is that I’m looking forward to finding out.