Disappointment

Hmmm... I've had this post in my head for a few days and I'm not sure if it's better to write right when you have the inspiration or ruminate on it a while and see what comes out a few days later.  Heck, I'm not even sure I know what I want to say anymore.

I was driving to work the other day and thinking that I am coming to the end of the project I adopted to pray about 5 specific things for a year and watch how God works in your life and changes it.  Lately though all I feel when I pray about it all is disappointment. Oh, I never expected all these things in my life to completely change in this year... or maybe I did.  I fully understand that just praying about something doesn't mean it's going to happen.  That to make things happen we all have to pull our share of the weight and can't expect God to wave some magic wand and *presto!* everything is different. I also realize that just because we pray for something doesn't mean it's what is going to happen.  God doesn't give us what we want - He gives us what we need.  But that hasn't stopped my disappointment.  And yes, I've been pulling my share of the weight.  Or at least, I though I was.  I've been doing things or making changes that seem appropriate to following the course of action that I'm seeking.  But maybe it's just not enough.

The day that I was praying about this and thinking these thoughts, I pulled up one of the blogs that I follow at lunch time - Melanie in the Middle - and found this post which spoke to me about what I'd been thinking that morning.  You should just click and go read the post because it's worth it, but in a nutshell it's about positioning yourself to get what you want or where you want to be in life.  It was just what I needed to hear at the time I needed to hear it.

Jump forward to Thursday afternoon (at lunchtime once again) and I'm searching for something with any meaning to me whatsoever to post in my Facebook status.  Since I post status updates way too much, it's a tad bit disconcerting when I come up empty for anything to post.  I often fall back on quotes that I like and that will convey whatever my thoughts are at the time.  This is what I came up with from the movie You've Got Mail. It's from an e-mail that Meg Ryan's character is sending to Tom Hanks's character and again, it spoke to me at the right time:

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void."

I have those selfsame thoughts all the time.  I wonder if I am sabotaging myself and my potential successes.  If I set myself up to fail or say I can't do something just because it's hard and takes some effort on my part.  Do I push things aside because I don't think I can accomplish the task.  Do I just not do things because I'm not being brave.

I don't really have answers to all of that right now (or maybe I do and I'm just avoiding dealing with them *hint - that's probably what it is*), but I do know that I have some decisions coming up that are going to require me to make some hard choices.  Or at least choices that seem hard.  Maybe they are really easier than I think and I am simply making things harder than they need to be.  I do that so well you know.  Over think. Over plan. Over do.  But there are changes brewing folks. That much I know for sure.  And when I break it all down, it's really not that God hasn't answered my prayers because He has. In bits and spurts, but nothing totally to fruition and that still frustrates me.  I have seen God at work in my life, but I am still disappointed that time is running out and things haven't come together more. And trust me, that list of 5 things ain't gonna all just happen in the next month.  I know God can do anything and I am definitely not throwing down a gauntlet, but that would be a whole heck of a lot for a month's time.  Regardless, I'm a little sad, a little dismayed, but I've taken it all to God and He knows. I mean, He'd know how I was feeling even if I did not tell Him, so why  not just lay it out.  And I get the hints that it's really not on God, but it's on me to make some decisions and choices and move things forward.  If I'm brave enough.  I guess that's the real deal breaker here.  And I'm not at all sure what the answer is.