A couple of weeks ago I published a blog talking about a health issue I’ve been dealing with for several months. It got good response
and many, many page views and…well, life goes on as usual. Nothing to see here people. Move
along, move along.
My life didn’t change. I can’t say that I felt unburdened
because I didn’t feel burdened to begin with. I was simply doing what I felt
was right and sharing that information in case it helps someone else. Knowledge
is power and all that stuff.
Unfortunately, I haven’t really been in contact with my
friend since then, but I knew when I shared the post it would likely mean
the end of anything between us. I imagine it’s disconcerting to see details
about yourself put before the world, even if they don’t know it’s you. You know it’s you and that can be tough.
Things were always supposed to be no strings and that’s not
quite how my particular situation was making it, I suppose. He wanted casual and
got me instead, God help him! Hahaha So this wasn’t what he signed up for and I
get that. I always wanted to believe that we were really good friends and we’re
not. That's not really a negative thing as we were always friendly casual acquaintances and seeing each other naked doesn’t change that. It just means we’ve seen each other
naked. And he wasn’t blinded for life seeing me naked, so I think it’s all
good.
This morning I was thinking about the fact that I am actually
comfortable enough with my body now to let a man see me naked. Oh, I’ll give my
friend a little credit for that comfort level as I think you have to be
comfortable with someone to let them see you in a vulnerable state like that,
but he doesn’t get all the credit. I
was well on my way to a new self-appreciation when I started losing weight. Getting
healthier and deciding to like my body was a huge thing for me.
I spent too many years not treating myself with kindness.
Abusing my body with the food I put into it and not getting enough sleep or
exercise, but when I changed my habits, it helped change my attitude. That was
no easy feat either because I had ingrained negativity from childhood. Being
called fat and ugly by other kids are things you remember and that’s what happened to me. It stuck with me and I’ve always had a hard time accepting
compliments or thinking that my body looked good. It’s all fine and dandy to be
told you have a great personality, but that tends to be code for “ugly” to a
lot of people and I can’t help but haul around that notion myself.
Losing weight helped me a lot in feeling better about who I
am and how I look. I hate to say that because I wouldn’t want someone else to
put judgements on themselves over appearance, but I have done that to myself every
day for years. Decades. I still do to an extent, but I’m trying to get better. At the same time, however, I know that for me losing weight has made me feel better about who I am and I’m so glad for that. I can’t ever go back to who I once was. It's simply not an option.
Being able to change my wardrobe to literally fit this new
body has been a blessing because I’ve started to appreciate my curves and am
learning to accept compliments by saying “thank you” and simply moving on. Ok,
ok, so I also mention it on social media every. single. time. that someone
compliments me, but y’all don’t even understand how seldom that has ever
happened in my life. No one ever tells me that I’m pretty or look good, so the
times it actually does happen are a
big deal to me. And I’d bet it is to other people who have felt this same way
at times.
I will probably always struggle with this, but I’m better
than I used to be and right now that’s good enough for me. My friend did help
me appreciate this body of mine and for that I will always be grateful. I
figure if I’m going to let you look at me completely naked in daylight, then I
trust you and I think that’s big. I’m not sure when I might feel comfortable
enough with someone else to let them seem me naked, but it’s nice knowing that
it’s not an impossibility.
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