Sometimes it's a numbers game

I knew what I wanted to write about earlier today, when I was unable to spend any time whatsoever writing, but not I’m not so sure. I guess I’ll type and see what comes out.

I had some thinking time on my hands this morning while I was proctoring an exam and I started thinking about how annoying it must be for my Facebook friends to see constant posts from me about any weight loss I’ve had or when someone says something nice to me at work (as happened yesterday). I realize it must get very annoying to have someone throwing out things like that all the time and it certainly gives an unrealistic impression of what a person’s life is like. Nothing is all happy hearts and flowers all the time. But then again, who wants to hear about the crappy parts of someone’s life? 

When it comes to something positive happening to or being said to me, I can’t seem to help myself but to share it on social media. I thought about why that is and the reality, you see, is that in my life no one is throwing around compliments. Now, no one is throwing around insults either and my family loves me and all that stuff, but in general, the world doesn’t usually throw the niceties in my direction. Well, not about how I look, anyway and yeah, I guess it’s a sore spot. So if someone tells me I look nice or they like my outfit or that I look good (due to my weight loss), well, I can’t seem to help myself. 

I know that the number on the scale should not matter, but dammit, it does! I can’t help it, but it does. Since I have lost 35 pounds this year I am more comfortable in my own skin. I am not now nor will I ever be a skinny person. Even if I lose more weight (and I would like to), I’m never going to be a small girl. That’s just my reality. But being comfortable in my skin means so much to me. It makes me more confident over all, just in daily life. I have a spring in my step – possibly literally as I have noticed I move quicker than I used to – and I’m just happier. I don’t feel pretty and I sure wish I did, because I’d love to know what it’s like to go through at least one day in life feeling pretty, but I frequently feel sassy and am working on my confidence level in general, so good for me.

I think I started recognizing the physical changes one day as I was getting dressed for work and realized that my butt was smaller. Oh, it’s not smaller in width, but it’s flatter for sure. I was pretty shocked, even though I knew my pants were looser. And my shoulders! Can we talk about my shoulders for a minute? I think they are my favorite body part now because I see and feel the tone in them. I’d like to lift and tuck other body parts, but my shoulders make me very happy.

The point of all of this? Well, I’m not really sure. I love how I am happier in my body than I used to be, but I sure wish I could get my mindset in a better place. Never did I assume that losing weight would change my life in some dramatic way other than needing to buy some new clothes. I’m naïve, but not that naïve. Perhaps I just have to work to build a new brain while I’m also working to build this new body.