I'm not that girl

I’m so confused these days. For days on end, I’ve been happy. That should not cause confusion, but it does because I’m not sure why. There isn’t anything special going on. No exciting events taking place. I just wake up and get going and…I’m happy. Cheerful. Annoyingly chipper, even. Well, I did hit the wall last night and turned rather melancholy and seemed to be that way this morning, but those days on end of happiness have been really, really strange.

Why, you ask? Well, you see, I’m not that girl. I’m not the one who is cheerful all the time for no reason. There aren’t bushels and buckets of amazing things coming my way that would cause this. I just…am. I exist. I go through my days and I’m reasonably happy, but I’m not the girl who’s always feeling good. Except lately, I am.

While at lunch with a friend the other day, I was talking about this unexpected happiness and saying that I hated to tie it to my weight loss and put so much emphasis on that, but it seems to be at the core of things. I hate admitting that because it seems so vain “Oh, look at me, I lost weight and people compliment me so now I’m sooooo fabulous and happy!” That’s not the truth, believe me. Compliments are nice, but fleeting. However, when I dig down, the weight loss is at least the catalyst for things.

I stepped on the scale today and I’m 0.6lbs from my goal weight. I already have a 2^nd goal weight in mind because I want to be able to say that I’ve lost 50 pounds. And it’s also terrifying to think, “I needed to lose 50 pounds?!?!” That still might keep me in the “Overweight” category for my height, but at 5’ 7” and now weighing in at 175.6 lbs, I think I’m just fine. If I lose more, that’s great. Icing on the cake (damn, but I do love cake). If I never lose another pound, that’s ok too because I did it. I did this. I have to focus more on maintaining the loss and eating healthier foods. I can’t go back. I just can’t.

That number this morning floored me. It’s not like I haven’t been close for a while, but to be *thisclose* to the goal weight I set nearly a year ago? I can’t comprehend it. I put on a pair of pants this morning that, when I bought them about 4 months ago, where a teeny bit snug and I wondered if they would be ok. Today, I could stuff a pillow down the gap in the front. Like, a small airline pillow, not a monster queen sized or anything, but still. I could fit a pillow in them.

My brain can’t comprehend this. I don’t understand. How did I do this? How did I change? And how do I deal with this new person that seems to be emerging. I’m not that girl. I can’t be. I don’t know who she is or how to deal with her.

I feel better now – physically better (clearly not mentally!). My body is functioning better than it has in years. My digestive issues have nearly vanished. My arthritis in my feet rarely bothers me. I crave healthier food (except for Oreos. I will always want Oreos.). It is so confusing. I don’t know who this person is.

I look better. Now, I’m not fan of my looks (I think I look “fine”, which means not good and not bad, just…well, fine) and recently when someone said, “You do know you are very pretty, right?” I managed to say thanks without including what was in my head, which was “It’s nice that you think so, but that’s definitely not true.”  I’m not pretty. I’m not that girl.

I see the physical changes. My face and neck are thinner. That sounds weird, but that’s what people seem to notice first – the changes in my face, neck and collar bone. (My chiropractor says I look like my sister. If I had a sister.  Which I don’t. “You look like you, but different.”) I look in the mirror and think that maybe I am pretty. A little bit, anyway. But then I remember that I’m not that girl. 

If a man walked up to me right now and started flirting, I wouldn’t know how to handle it. Men do not flirt with me. I’m not that girl. As a rule, no one pays much attention to me at all.

It feels like so many things are changing and I don’t know how to deal with all of it.  I’m more active. Willing to be more adventurous and trying to be more social. I’m comfortable in my skin now and with my body. I just don’t know how to handle it all.

I’m not that girl! Dammit, I don’t know how to be that girl!!

I’m not that girl. I’m not sure who I am right now, but I may have no choice but to find out. And that scares me. A lot.