Blond Ambition

Single and...Fabulous???

2012-02-15T20:51:00.000-05:00

I think that was the title of a Sex and the City episode, but I can't remember. I seen all the eps of that show so many times, but all that stands out for me is how much of a spoiled, whiny brat Carrie Bradshaw was. Even in the movies. Whine whine whine, complain complain complain. Hmmmm... maybe we have more in common than I thought. ha!

But regardless of any connection to SATC, that's also what I saw on a t-shirt this morning, without the question marks. And I had to take a picture and upload to Facebook, of course. *rolling eyes just a bit* And I had to buy it, of course. Which wasn't a stretch since it was a Valentine's Day shirt reduced to 50% off making it a sweet deal at $3.75.

One thing I've realized this season of hearts and flowers (and chocolates, let's not forget the chocolates) is that often single people seem to feel the need to be somewhat "in your face" about their singleness and how great it is and how happy happy HAPPY!! they are being single at this time of year. Heaven forbid someone admit they are sad or lonely or wish someone would send them flowers or even just a nice card. And while I think that, for the most part, those single people are happy, it's this consuming need I see in some of us to validate ourselves by invalidating things like love. Romance. Valentine's Day.

I'm guilty of it too. I'm not denying that at all. When everyone else is having their Hallmark moment, I admit that I want to have my moment too. Whatever that may be. Just gimme some attention and I'm usually good-to-go. But I wonder if all this comes from a notion that married people look down at us singletons or feel sorry for us. Or maybe they are scared of us because they realize "that could be me" and for some reason that is terrifying to them. I'm honestly not sure. And I'm not saying that married people feel that way about single people. Just making conversation and throwing around some hypotheses really.

I do wish that we single folks could simply embrace being single and go with it, without worrying about whether or not there is someone out there for us. It makes my head hurt having to think about that. Really. Truly. It causes me physical pain. Hence, the reason I seldom worry about it. Except....a couple of months ago I did a very scary thing - put a profile out on an on-line dating site. Oh, the shame! The horror!!! (No, no, trust me. There's some horror.)

Ok. Ok. So internet dating is not the worst thing ever in the world. I know that. I really do. But my experiences with it off and on over the years has been less than enjoyable. But I was bored one day and, well, that's always how the trouble starts. This time around, however, I think it was a pretty good idea. Let me tell you why...

This time around, I think I've finally realized that I don't want to be in a relationship. Well, I don't think I do. I guess I could change my mind if David Bryan left his wife and proposed to me. Or if Harrison Ford dumped that hat rack he married. You know, I've got to have standards. But back to my point (and I do have one.... I think...). First there was the guy who seemed to want to jump head first into a "relationship" after swapping about 5 e-mails. Uh... that was weird. Sorry, just weird.

Then there was the texter. You see, I refuse to sit at my computer long enough to get into a chat with anyone. I just do not have the time or patience for that and if I'm blogging or surfing Facebook or answering an e-mail, I can stop whenever I want and pack it in and head for bed without having to explain that no, I don't want to talk to you anymore, I want to go to sleep because I get up at 4am every day. (Look! You can see how right I am already by the hostility bubbling under the surface of that statement, can't you? LOL)

Back to the texter... I said sure, we could text. I prefer e-mail because I can deal with that on my own time table, but I thought we'd throw around a few texts now and then. Uh... wrong. This guy wanted to text me every day and apparently did not have enough work to do at his place of employment that he could respond to texts sent at any time during the work day. He would text me first thing in the morning to see how I was doing and I would respond when I got to work. Then he's text back and I'd actually, y'know, do work and respond at lunch. He'd jump right back on my text and once my lunch ran out, I was back to work. At night, I couldn't muster any interest to respond, so at some point I'd just stop. Finally, after a week of this, when he asked "How are you?" one morning, I told him. Needless to say, that was the last time he texted me. Oh, I was nice to him, but I said I was tired, late for work, coming down with a cold, frustrated about something else at work and wasn't he glad he asked? And by the way, how was he today? I realize that normal, sane women would probably think that was really sweet and "oh gosh how nice that he's so interested in getting to know me!", but yours truly felt like I was being stalked. I dreaded checking my phone in the morning because I knew "he" was going to have sent a message. I was relieved when he gave up and went on his merry way. From what I learned about the texter, he was a nice guy, but his texts were soooooooo boring that I could not figure out a way to make them interesting and less painful to deal with. Plus, y'know, I felt stalked. (Or just really, really bored and annoyed and I'm throwing that word around for dramatic purposes.)

I could talk about a few others, but I don't really need to. I've pondered this whole situation on my daily commute many times. And I drive a lot, therefore I have lots of pondering time. One large truth that has been driven home to me is that I like my life. I like my routine. It's not always exciting, but it works for me. I'm not sure I could or would want to incorporate someone else into my life. Compromising when I have something I need or want to do is not my strong suit. I'm not keen on someone throwing the plans out of whack. I have at least enough self-awareness to realize that. Oh, sure, I like people (most of 'em, some of the time), but I've never enjoyed having people around me all the time. Drives me bonkers. And with a relationship would come demands on my time. People wanting to be around when I did not want them around. I'm not sure I'll ever be in a place in my life or be a person who wants to be unselfish enough for that. Coming home and having someone in my space and not being able to get away and have my space and my time. Eek!

I hope more single people will simply start to embrace their singleness and enjoy and acknowledge that that is the way their life is going to be. The way it is meant to be. There's nothing wrong with it. You don't have to throw it in people's faces to make anyone, least of all yourself, believe that you are happy. Some of the wisest words ever spoken to me are also some of the simplest and blissfully, they apply in so, so many situations, of which this is one. And so my single friends if you are reading this - hell, if anyone is reading this because let's face it, this blog isn't very highly trafficked - I leave you with this one thought. Use it as you need to, in whatever situation...

It's not good. It's not bad. It's just different.

Adopting an Attitude of Adventure by Susan Ellingburg

2012-02-02T13:44:00.000-05:00

I was reading this article earlier and thought it was definitely worth sharing with anyone who might mosey over here to my little corner of the blogoverse.

The original can be found here: Adopting an Attitude of Adventure

Adopting an Attitude of Adventure

Susan Ellingburg, Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer

Thursday, February 02, 2012

I once interviewed a delightful cookbook author from Georgia who got one of those ‘things to do before you die’ books for her sixtieth birthday and declared, “I’m going to open this book at random and whatever page I land on, I’ll do.” She confessed to me she was hoping for “visit a world-class spa” or something similar. What she got was “climb Mount Kilimanjaro.”

“And?” I asked.

“Oh, I did it,” she drawled. “Took me a couple years to train, but I did it.”

Now that’s an adventure. But so is taking a side road instead of the interstate, joining the church choir, or trying your hand at a soufflé instead of the usual PB&J. Adventures are not reserved for the rich, the young, the accomplished, or the brave. Adventure, my friends, is an attitude.

There’s a big difference between enduring each day and enjoying it. I’ve done both in my time and the second option is definitely best. What’s the point of life if you’re not going to live it? Having an attitude of adventure means being open to the possibilities. It means asking “I wonder” “What if” and “Why not?” It means shaking off the fog that covers us so much of the time, looking at life with a fresh perspective, and being willing to do something about it.

For the record, my personal style of adventure does not involve mountain climbing or pulling the kind of stunt that tends to land one on the evening news. It’s more the type of thing that tends to land me up to my elbows in boneless duck, at a private showing of a sculptor’s work, or . . . um . . . kicked out of Westminster Abbey. (But that’s a story for another day.) Regardless, I’ve never yet had an adventure that was not totally worth it.

For those who are new at this adventure thing, here are a few tips.

Advice for Would-Be Adventurers

•Pay attention. This is key: I can only imagine how many opportunities I miss every day because I’m not alert to the opportunities around me.

•Expect to enjoy yourself. If you decide in advance to have a good time, odds are you probably will. If you go looking for reasons to be unhappy, I promise you will find them.

•Take the first step. You don’t always need to take a huge leap of faith; often a little hop is all that’s required.

•Show interest. You may not think you care about the topic at hand, but you never know where it may go. Discussing a glassblower’s work led to a fabulous love story (they met in glass class but she didn’t speak English and it wasn’t until years later…), an up close and personal view of glassmaking in progress, and the gift of a hand-blown vase. And the best way to show interest is to…

•Ask questions. There’s nothing wrong with honest ignorance; only God is truly all-knowing. Most people love to share their expertise with someone willing to listen. “What made you decide to be a (whatever they are)?” “How did you learn to (do whatever it is they do)?” “You know that logo we see on TV, the one on the wall…?” Just ask! What’s the worst that can happen?

•Be sensible. Actually, “what’s the worst that can happen” is a valid question and one you should ask yourself at the start. The sculpture viewing mentioned earlier would have been a little creepy had there not been three of us and only one slightly loopy artist. Being sensible also helps keep expectations in check. Adventures come in all shapes and sizes; some are more exciting than others.

•Be nice. The old saying goes, “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” and besides, it’s the right thing to do. Nice will take you far, whether it’s to the best steak you’ll ever eat in the middle of nowhere, the front row of a sold-out musical, or the inner sanctum of your favorite television network.

A Real-Life Example

My merry band of foodie friends and I were in New York to sing at Carnegie Hall—an adventure in itself, but that’s another story. We visited Chelsea Market, home of Food Network, with one goal: an “I was here” photo in front of the Food Network logo. Alas, the logo was nowhere to be found, even after totally unauthorized trips up random elevators in the faint hope of running into an Iron Chef. (We did stumble onto an imposing news network office, but mumbled excuses and hit the “down” button. Fast.)

We also spotted a notice about an event to be held the following day, which included an interview with the Food Network Test Kitchen’s Executive Chef. (Pay attention.) So we came back (take the first step) and had a marvelous time at the event. (Expect to enjoy yourself.) During the program we were an engaged audience (show interest). Once the program was over, we engaged the Chef in conversation and inquired about the logo. (Ask questions.) “It’s not anywhere you can get to,” he explained, “but…I can take you there.”

Which is how we got our own personal mini-tour of Chelsea Market, recommendations on restaurants and attractions, and a rather fabulous photo with not just the logo, but with the Executive Chef, as well. They were filming inside so we didn’t get a kitchen tour (be sensible) but it was a highlight of our trip nonetheless. We thanked Chef profusely (be nice) and I managed not to squeal like a little girl until the elevator was on its way down.

What if we hadn’t been able to take that photo? It still would have been a fun day, an out-of-the-ordinary experience, and an excellent adventure. It’s attitude, not outcome, that makes the difference.

The Best Adventure of All

One of my favorite adventurous people is author and speaker Luci Swindoll, who tells us: “The most important thing for each of us is to embrace and celebrate life for what it is. Being alive is a gift, and we will never exhaust all the adventures of possibilities that are ours because Jesus Christ has provided an inexhaustible legacy for us, established before the foundation of the world. Every day he opens new doors for us to walk through. He gives us a new way of looking at old problems. He challenges us to take him at his word as we consider how to resolve different dilemmas. He assures us of his constant presence. And here’s the best adventure of all—He lives in us! We can go anywhere and do anything, because the One who leads us never fails.” [i]

So, what do you think? Are you ready for an adventure?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[i] I Married Adventure © 2002 Luci Swindoll. Published in Nashville, Tennessee by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission.

Susan Ellingburg is a natural-born Texan who sings at every opportunity, reads as much as possible, and cherishes every day she gets to spend with friends. She's a serious foodie and not-so-serious gardener who is determined not to let being single stand in the way of living an amazing life. Read Susan's blog at TastingGod.wordpress.com.

Are you there God? It's me...

2012-01-16T12:06:00.000-05:00

It seems that my faith has been on my mind a lot recently having not much to do with the recent Christmas season or any way that I feel God working in my life right now (because I don't... feel Him working in my life right now, that is.). It's because I have some friends who are atheists who like to post things on Facebook that get me talking. And thinking. It's fascinating to me, really, that there are people who do not believe in God. I use that word - fascinating - because I grew up in a Christian home and there has never been doubt in my mind that a creator exists. So for me to get the perspective sometimes of those who resolutely state that God does not exists, well, it's... fascinating! I mean no disrespect at all to the folks who choose not to believe. I don't get it, but hey, they don't get why I do believe, so we're even on that score.

That's one thing I wish more Christians understood - if we look at atheists and wonder how they cannot believe, they are looking at us with the same confusion over how and why we do. Until I started doing a little reading here and there on atheist blogs (or one blog and I can't even remember the name), I never thought about how much anger and hostility they are hit with sometimes, which explains all the hostility and anger I have read in some of the stuff out there. But admittedly I live in my happy little bubble where my God and my religion and my church are trying to do good and not issuing death threats to people that we feel threaten our beliefs. I'm not a fan of ugliness in the name of God and I"m pretty sure God isn't fond of that either.

Anyway this is a ramble and I have on interest in getting into a discussion with anyone about religion, Christianity or atheism. I'm fortunate in the fact that my friends who are pretty vocal about their atheism don't seem to have a problem if I pipe up with comments from my point of view and hopefully they realize that I am actually trying to understand what is going on with them and where they are coming from, not preaching at them and trying to rope them in. If I can ever find enough time to do some reason, I even have a few books on my list from the opposite side of the fence to help answer my curiosity of where folks are coming from.

This is a link to a blog a friend posted on Facebook (not her blog) that I think is interested. I saw the video is addresses last week and I agree with the video AND with this blog. Both make good points. But that's just my opinion! For what it's worth... Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus - A Response

Happy New Y...oh whatever...

2011-12-31T10:54:00.002-05:00

I am not now, nor have I ever in my entire 40 years on this planet been a fan of New Year's Eve. I'm happy to have a day or two off of work, but I fail to see the big deal about this "holiday". And don't get me started about the fireworks and waiting for my neighbors to catch my lawn on fire. If ever there were a bigger curmudgeon about New Year's Eve, I can't think of one. It is me. I am she. We are one. And I'm ok with that.

I don't know when or why it started. There are those who believe my aversion to this date is because it's the day my mother died. Well, they are wrong. I cannot, however, seem to convince people of this, but they are. My mother was great. My mother was also a royal pain in the ass. But she was a good mom and died too soon and suffered too much. I miss her when I miss her - the dates don't matter. The simple fact of the matter is, NYE was never a big deal in my home growing up and I don't recall my parents ever going out to NYE parties. I don't have anything against it, per se, just never saw the point. I have gone out many times on NYE and enjoyed myself, but I'm also quite enthused with the idea of getting to stay in this year and watch a marathon of "The Walking Dead" on AMC as it was just last weekend I discovered the series, so getting to spend the day catching up on the whole thing is my idea of a good time. Plus I have cookies. Any time you have cookies, you're all set in my opinion. Although cake is good too. Hmmm... wonder if I have any cake...

I'm going to repeat myself a little here from something I posted a couple of years ago because I think it still rings true. Dates have been changed to reflect the appropriate time period.

I really don't make resolutions, but there are areas I'd like to improve in in my life, but that's a daily thing to deal with rather than something I think you should focus on simply because the calendar flips from December to January. But for the sake of joining the resolution madness, I present:

Shannon’s Version of New Year’s Resolutions.

1) I will not do physical harm to people who cannot learn to spell the word “definitely” correctly. There is NO “A” in “definitely”!! Of that, I am DEFINITELY sure!!

2) I will not take up running. I tried it. I don’t like it. I refuse to do it. The exception to this rule is if I am being chased by a serial killer. In that instance, I think it would be prudent to revise this particular resolution.

3) I will not be growing my hair out in 2012. Tried it. Didn’t like it. Much like the aforementioned running.

4) In 2012 I will continue to wonder what my natural hair color is. I think it’s brown. Possibly dark brown. I’m reasonably confident there is some grey in there too, but we’ll never know for sure!

5) I will not be getting married in 2012. In conjunction with this, I will not be a) getting pregnant or b) having a baby.

6) I will eat too much on many occasions and regret it later.

7) I will never exercise as much as I think I should, but at least I’ll exercise.

8) I’ll miss the people I have loved and lost, but know that they are in a much better place, without sadness or pain and that will make me smile.

9) I will continue to think my butt is too big, my bank account too small, and my fabulousness frequently unappreciated.

10) I will continue to love Bon Jovi. I know. You’re shocked. Try to control yourselves.

I'm just hoping that the coming year is better than the last - for more than just me. Mine wasn't bad at all, but hey, I'll take better too!

Make new friends, but keep the old...

2011-12-22T20:07:00.004-05:00

Friendship should be easier. It just should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah… if it was so easy would it be worth having. Whatever. Making friends. Keeping friends. It should all be easier.

You see? This was easy. My birthday party around age.... uh.... 4 maybe? Doesn't matter. It was easy because your friends were the neighborhood kids and the ones you knew at school and/or church. Easy peesy cheddar cheesy. (I'm the one rocking the pink pants with the big Cookie Monster applique on the leg.)

Red pants and a yellow and blue striped shirt. It must have been the 70s!

But no, it never stays easy. And that said, I am a pretty lousy friend. I really am. I forget birthdays. I never send Christmas cards. I totally hate to talk on the phone. I mean, there’s e-mail so why do we have to talk on the phone? I respond pretty quickly to e-mails whereas I can ignore a voicemail for ages. Which is kind of ironic because I hate it when people forget my birthday or don't, well, don't do whatever it is I think they should do as my friend. Whatever the hell that is.

Maybe if we dressed up and wore tap shoes more often, we'd have stayed besties past kindergarten.

Every few years I go through… I wanted to call it a frienaissance, but according to the Urban Dictionary the definition of that is “An activity to renew your relationship with a friend.” And that’s not really what I do. What I do is go through a period of feeling kinda mopey and a wee bit sorry for myself because I would like to have more friends. Or to see the friends I have more often. Or for my friends to want to see ME more often. And all this, of course, requires a change in me and heaven forbid I have to change me. Perish the thought! (please interpret this with the appropriate sarcasm)

Don’t get me wrong – especially my friends who are reading this – I have some good friends. Hell, I have some GREAT friends.

Anyone need a lift? This is my friend Michael circa 1988. Sadly, he passed away a couple of years ago after being hit by a car while trying to rescue a cat that was injured in the road.

We're fabulous and we know it. You should have seen the shoes!

I love the looks on our faces in this picture. I wish to heck I could remember what we were laughing about though.

But something it still not right. Is it me? Is it them? Is it all of that? I'm not quite sure. I only know that it's hard to make friends as an adult. And with busy lives, it's hard to keep them. Hard to make time for them and if you don't make time for your friends and work on that relationship, you'll lose it.

I started thinking about this a few weeks ago and while I do not make New Year's Resolutions, I made the decision that I need to work on my friendships and to find avenues for making new friends. I want more than I've got from the relationships I have and it's up to me to work on them. I have tried already in some instances and more or less been rebuffed, so I'm leaving the ball in those respective courts and if those friends want to continue to have any kind of relationship with me, then it'll have to come from their end before anything else comes from mine.

Of course, it's perfectly natural that some relationships last longer than others. I've just always thought if someone was your friend then they were always your friend (I am frequently quite naive). I continually realize that is not true. I'm saddened by that, but hey, and so it goes. We grow and change to move apart, but dangit, it still should not be so hard to make friends as an adult!

We are too adorable for our own good! Love this guy!

Cute photo with some great people that I never actually talk to anymore. Contact is sporadic at best.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post anymore to be honest with you. I had it all in my head for the past few weeks, but it never comes out on virtual paper quite the way I think it will. But I know I cannot be the only person who feels this way and has this problem. And I know it's not all me. I'm not the most user-friendly person, but there are enough people who like me the way that I am - or have over the years - that I know I'm not a horrible person. I'm just... lost? Confused? Searching? All of the above? I'm alone a lot, but I would seldom, if ever, say I was lonely. But I do want more. We'll see if I decide to apply myself to get it.

Ahhhh college. It was certainly never boring! I was dressed as a groupie although I'm pretty sure I never took the jacket off to reveal the belly shirt. I can't even believe I had a belly I was ever willing to reveal!

You Are What you Tree - Part 2

2011-12-10T13:36:00.001-05:00

I took too many pictures of my tree ornaments, so I thought I'd post a few more. As I said in my previous post, I think the ornaments we hang say something about us. Or at least about the things we like. These are some other favorites of mine.

I have an obsessive love for the Eiffel Tower and have tons of them all over my house. I can't believe I only have one ornament of it!

Chocolate moose!!

My mother bought me this one nearly 20 years ago. When I was a kid, singing "The 12 Days of Christmas" I asked what a "ginnapeartree" was. You know, a partridge in a pear tree?

Pretty sure the name of this one is "Merry Kiss Moose".

This is probably my first ornament. My grandparents owned a jewelry store and while they had retired by the time I came along, my grandfather still did repairs in the shop in his garage. He did the engraving on this.

We are what we tree

2011-12-03T17:23:00.001-05:00

I was decorating my Christmas tree the other day and thinking that the ornaments we hang on the tree really do say a lot about us. For instance, my tree definitely says that I had a mother who bought me lots and lots of Barbie ornaments. I always liked Barbie and my mother was one to grab on to a good thing and just hold on tight. Hence, the 2 Barbie stocking holders I have and the 10 - yes, a full decade - Happy Holiday Barbies. Never removed from the box, mind you. It increases value. But I'm too lazy to look into selling them. But, I digress...

My mother gave my brother and I a new ornament every year growing up. I guess that was her way of making sure we had the start of things for our own trees one day.

I have a lot of Barbie ornaments:

There's quite a collection modeled after the Happy Holidays Barbies.

And some of Hallmark's International Barbie collection (I really wish I had all of these!)

And then there's Retro Barbie...

I was and still am a huge fan of the 80s comic strip "Bloom County". Love Opus and Bill the Cat!

I have, over the years, collected all sorts of pigs and while I no longer collect and have gotten rid of most of the ones I had, some folks still give me pig things now and then, like this ornament.

Probably on par with all the Barbies are all the mice ornaments I have. Most, if not all, are from Hallmark. As are most of my ornaments period I guess. I loved them when I was a kid and Hallmark used to make a lot of them. Don't see many anymore, but I still have all the ones I ever had.

Those are just a few of the ornaments on my tree this year. I sense a "Part II" post coming soon!

And so I went to Nashville for work...

2011-11-09T20:16:00.000-05:00

About a month ago I went to Nashville for a whirlwind work trip. Since this sort of thing is going to be a regular part of my life now with my new job, I will have to work harder to try and fit some fun into the trips. They are usually less than 36 hours, so that's a challenge. I did take a few pictures on my trip, but they aren't anything amazingly exciting.

First was a side trip to.... um.... this town in Kentucky and I can't remember the name right now. Reidsville? Ridgeville? Something with an "R" at the beginning and ending in "ville". Oh! Oh! Russellville! That's it! Anyway, a coworker's mother lives there and we had to go pick up some materials we needed for the whole reason we were in Nashville to begin with - a residency fair at Meharry Medical College.

I like cemeteries and this one in Russellville seemed particularly interesting. To me, anyway. Alas, no time to get out and explore, but we drove through it.

My coworker also told me the story of The Russellville Girl. This house is where she is/was supposedly spotted. The window you see painted white is "the" window. For whatever that's worth and whatever you believe!

Russellville also has some lovely old homes, as do most small towns I guess. I love to look at houses - guess I get that from my mom - and it would have been fun to just wander the streets of town for a bit, checking things out.

And that's a quick trip through Russellville, Kentucky. Now that I've realized I have enough pictures for a couple more posts, I'm going to stop and go read a book. Maybe get to bed at a decent hour. And maybe, juuuuust maybe I will manage to get up and workout tomorrow for the first time in probably 2 months. But that's a story and lament for another blog entry...

Slightly, nightly, frightly, mightly, good nightly

2011-10-21T22:18:00.000-04:00

I work. A lot. It's making me slightly psychotic.

I just had a birthday. It's made me slightly older.

I'm having a massage and a facial tomorrow. I'm not at all convinced that it will make me even slightly relaxed.

I ate a little chili cheese dip earlier. I'm pretty sure it'll make me more than slightly sick in the long run.

I don't really have much time nowadays to read or do a lot more than clean the house and sleep. And do all the work that is making me slightly psychotic. This makes me slightly sad.

My birthday was overall quite nice, but did not turn out exactly as I'd planned. I was a tad more than slightly disappointed. But I got over it. Mostly. Slightly. Somewhat. Ok, maybe not totally. Yet. But more or less. Slightly.

I had fish tacos for the first time the other day. That made me more than slightly happy.

I had the fish tacos in Nashville where I went for work and did not get to do any real sight seeing. That made me way more than slightly bummed.

Driving home from the airport at 1:30 in the morning was more than a slightly stupid decision.

Did I mention that I work a lot? I'm not even slightly sorry I took this new job, but I'm slightly confused about what I'm doing ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY, IN EVERYTHING I DO ON THE JOB. That is slightly depressing.

I've used the word "slightly" as many times as I can in a single blog post. I hope to find a way to update more regularly. I'm slightly hopeful that this will work out.

Fall TV 101

2011-09-20T19:55:00.000-04:00

Please do not confuse the title of this post with the late-80s TV show "TV 101" starring future "Friend" Matt LeBlanc. And I thought Raphael Sbarge, but I don't see him in the credits. I think I just like saying his name. Raphael Sbarge. I wonder what he's been up to lately...

Now, back to the new TV season. It just kicked off in earnest last night and I have to agree with a story I heard on NPR yesterday that it's pretty crazy for all the networks (remember when there were just "The Big 3" networks? Or am I dating myself here? Which would be ok I guess since no one else is dating me, but I dgress. Again.) Back to my point (and I do have one), being that it's crazy for all the networks to trot out their new shows all in the same week. That is what is happening for the most part and I am only one person. How am I supposed to check out all the new shows that look interesting??? Ok, so sure, I have 2 VCRs (nope, no DVR for me I'm afraid) and I can cover my bases by recording most things I want to see and watching it all later on, but still, it would be nice not to have to cram everything into a single week.

Or what about the idea they mentioned on NPR of rolling out the TV season for the entire year? Why does summer television have to be repeats and crappy "reality" television? I'd totally get behind having shows roll out over the course of the year or having 2 different seasons that last for 6 months. You have less repeats during the "regular" season and you get new stuff all the time. Works for me!

As for what I've watched so far, last week I checked out the preview of Sarah Michelle Gellar's new show "Ringer" and I liked it. Didn't love it and some of the production was pretty pitiful (the boat scene comes to mind), but it is something I will definitely be checking out a few more times to see how I like it. Last night I caught most of "Dancing with the Stars" which was ok. I always say I'm going to watch that show and then lose interest about 4 shows into the season. I must confess I tend to watch reruns of "The Golden Girls" on Monday nights more than anything else. Anyhoo, I did flip over to CBS to catch the revamped "Two and a Half Men" and really enjoyed it. I haven't watched that show in years and I was laughing out loud, so while I don't care one way or the other about Ashton Kutcher, I'm sold on watching more of this season.

Next up was "Two Broke Girls" and I really liked that as well. I'll be tuning in again. I'm trying to give new shows at least 4 episodes before I throw in the towel. Not that I should be encouraging myself to watch more TV, but what can I say? I've always watched a lot of TV and I did just fine in school and, well, at least somewhat well in life, so I'm not going to give myself or anyone else any flack unless you sit in a chair all day and refuse to do anything because you might miss a repeat of "What's Happening".

Tonight is the premiere of "Glee" and I have to say, I didn't really enjoy their sophomore season, so I'm not looking forward to this. I'll leave it up to a few viewings to decide if I'll keep up with the show this season.

A little taste testing

2011-09-18T13:47:00.001-04:00

I signed up with MyBlogSpark.com a while back hoping to get some inspirational ideas about new products and things I could blog about. I've gotten some interesting information, but it wasn't until today that I decided to actually try any of the recommendations. I'm a fan of Pillsbury products and of Grands! Biscuits. And I am always looking for something I can have for breakfast that is portable or that I can put together at the office, since the early AM commute means that I only ever eat breakfast and lunch at the office (which is a whole other sob story that we won't get into). So when I got an e-mail touting the arrive of the new Grands! Biscuit Sandwiches, I thought I'd give them a try.

I wanted them to be great and tasty and clearly they could be convenient since I could pop them in the microwave at work, but all they really were was disappointing.

I guess I should not have been disappointed really since it is frozen food. I have seldom found frozen sandwich -type foods to be really great. (Although I have found the Mom and Pop's sausage or steak biscuits to be quite a good microwavable option.) But again, it's Pillsbury and they are a trusted, proven name.

Right out of the packaging they looked, well, like frozen food! LOL

And out of the microwave, well, they look kinda the same! ha!

Flip both sides together and...

The final verdict? Not bad, but somewhat disappointing. The biscuit was a little tough after microwaving, but that might be operator error on my part and it may have cooked a tad longer than it should have. The overall taste was good, but rather generic a la "this is how frozen food tastes sometimes".

Should you be interested in more information, you can use the following links to check things out:

Pillsbury Website: http://bit.ly/pbbreakfasts

Pillsbury on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/pillsburyonfb

Pillsbury Doughboy Breakfast Boogie Video: http://bit.ly/doughboyvideo

I absolutely recommend "liking" Pillsbury on Facebook so you can get more great information about their products and recipe ideas. Always a plus for someone like me who is NOT a good cook! I'm after all the help I can get.

I've got a lot...

2011-09-14T20:17:00.000-04:00

Driving to work the other day, I was thinking - as I tend to be doing lately... erm... not the thinking, but thinking about the topic... anyway - about my new job and the responsibilities. I like it, but it's definitely action packed. Or at least it is packing a lot into my days. I've really only been doing work specific to the new job for a week now, but every day is flying by. Which is a good thing in that I'm staying busy and getting things done (I hope).

As I am driving along I start thinking "I've got a lot of things to work on." meaning, in fact, a lot of things about me and in my life in general, not just work-related. But before I get the thought really out into the open, I pause and think, "I've really got a lot". Not "stuff". Not the materialistic version of that, but a lot. I've got... a lot. It's not always perfect and blah blah blah, but I've got a lot. And that's a blessing, plain and simple.

Everything is just... blank...

2011-09-11T20:44:00.001-04:00

So I've been having these amazing thoughts on things to blog about and I will go on in my mind about what I'm going to write about and how great it's going to come out and how anyone reading it is just totally going to love it. And then... I go... blank. I got nothing. One minute, I have the greatest thought in the world and then a few hours later - when I am actually where I could sit at a computer and write the blog - it either sounds like the worst idea or I can't for the life of me remember what I thought I wanted to say just a few hours before.

Unless I wrote the blog about why I think I have ugly feet and toes. But I'm not sure anyone wants to hear about that. I mean, let's not point that out if no one has figured it out yet besides me.

So what we have here is a blog basically about nothing. Sort of like an episode of "Seinfeld", but not remotely as funny.

When it doubt, the answer is Paul McCartney

2011-09-04T17:33:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I was at a trivia night in a local restaurant and the category was song lyrics by ex-Beatles. Uh... I'm not great with Beatles lyrics, so this was not going to end well. But it could have. It just... didn't.

You see, I kept hoping against hope that the answer was going to be Ringo Starr. So over and over again I would answer Ringo and each time, it would be Paul McCartney. You'd think I would have learned after the first time that happened, but I think I answered Ringo 3 times because I figured the harder the questions got, the more likely it was Ringo. But it was never, ever Ringo. Never. Ever. Once it was George Harrison. Once it was John Lennon. Otherwise, Paul.

Ultimately I found the whole thing kind of amusing which is odd for me because it knocked me out of competition and my team lost and I do not like to lose at trivia. It's my thing (gimme a break, it's all I've got). Truth be told, I'm a know-it-all and I have no doubt that I'm obnoxious about it as well. I can't seem to help myself. Or maybe I just don't try. Regardless, I think I accepted this defeat at least reasonably graciously which is a big thing for me since I'm a bad winner and a bad loser.

Since that night I've thought about this a lot. Not losing (because the next team I was on won that night), but about how even when I should have realized and answered Paul McCartney, I was determined to keep going with Ringo Starr. That's such a habit that I think is typical in me and probably everyone at times. We keep forging forward even when we know that what we are doing is probably wrong. That there is another, more obvious answer to whatever it is. But like a dog with a bone, we stick with Ringo Starr.

Ah well. Lesson learned. Hopefully. And poor Ringo, he just doesn't get the love he deserves!

I Am a Dave Ramsey Failure

2011-08-22T18:41:00.000-04:00

I'll be honest, I've taken Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class twice at my church and I am a big, fat failure at the whole thing. *sigh* I've tried. I really have. And I absolutely believe in what Dave teaches, but... I am a failure. I don't pay with cash - I'd be in a mell of a hess without my credit card. Well, I'm in a hell of a mess with it, but without it I could never put gas in my car. I spend about $300 a month in gas just to go to and from work. I don't have that kind of cash lying around to put into my gas tank, but I can't not go to work. I have debt that I want to pay off, but can't. I honestly, truly can not do it. Not because I won't, but because the money isn't there.

I guess I am not totally hopeless because after the first class ended, when my tax return came that spring, I paid off my grad school loans in full and was able to scratch that one off the list. That was a wonderful feeling and it freed up $155 a month that I try to take out of the bank each month in cash and use to buy my groceries for the month. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I am all about the debt snowball idea, but it sort of takes having any spare money lying around to be able to start doing that. I would put 'extra' money toward my debt (and let's not even get into the money I owe my father who paid off the remainder of my heating and air unit when I was laid off my job a couple of years ago - I don't know that I will ever be able to pay him back), but all my money goes to paying for gas or food or, y'know, electricity and all that stuff. I've cut my cable down to the minimum and quite frankly, it drives me nuts. I don't go out and do things, so my entertainment is television and by cutting most of that out, it can get awfully boring when I'm hanging around the house. (Yes, yes, I read. A lot. But I also like my shows. Deal with it. And I usually read AND watch TV at the same time.) Sweating or freezing because I have the AC or the heat turned to an insane level so that my bills are hopefully lower. You can just take off or put on more clothes, right? *rolling eyes* Yeah, I'm basically miserable in my own home most of the year because of trying to save money.

My frustration lies in the fact that I feel like a failure because I can't make that program/system work. It seems so simple. Cut out unnecessary expenses. Do more with less. Learn to do without. But then... I have to go to work. To pay for the gas to put in the car to go to work. It never seems to stop. And I will hurl something heavy at the head of anyone who says, "Get a 2nd job." Um.... ok. Sure. When do you recommend that I do this? I get up at 4am to workout because there is no other time to do it. My work day consists of about 11 hours because I include commuting time into my work day. I get home, grab dinner, maybe get a little time to read a book or sometimes see friends and do something fun and then get to bed - all of that in about a 3 hour time period. I sleep maybe 6 hours a night and generally am dragging myself to work the next day because I function best with 9 hours of sleep. So yeah, I'm not sure when I'd have that magical second job, even if it was really possible to find a second job these days.

I don't mean to whine, but a news story this morning set my teeth on edge. It was about how you should try to pay off your credit card debt and geegollygosh you'll feel soooo much better. Y'THINK??? Wow. I'd never have figured that one out on my own. *snort* I think sometimes people who put those stories together just do not realize that so many of us are living paycheck-to-paycheck and there literally is not extra money to put toward reducing debt. I'd do it if I could. I put my entire tax refund this year towards my credit card debt. It was merely a drop in the bucket and my debt is small compared to some people's.

So I guess I'll just have to keep on going as a big, fat failure in the Dave Ramsey world. I have dreams that some day I will be able to get my head above water. (I'm not asking to be rich - nice as that would be - I just want to get out of debt and feel like I have enough money to cover my bills without worrying whether I can afford the gas or the food.) Without having to sit in a house without heating or air, without any television whatsoever, without... without... without... It seems so, so simple, but it's really, really not.

Sometimes...

2011-08-19T13:08:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, when it's really hot or really cold out, I like to drive with all the windows down on my car for a bit. Just to feel the fresh air on my face. My arms. Hands. Ahhhh... bliss.

Have you ever sniffed a really ripe, juicy nectarine? If not, I highly recommend it.

Sometimes you just gotta open up the windows at night and let the sound of chirping crickets lull you to sleep.

Sometimes you have to give in and eat the cookie.

Sometimes you have to forget about what anyone else thinks and do what makes you happy.

Fear of Fat People

2011-08-18T19:06:00.000-04:00

For lack of more creative phrasing, I have a fear of fat people. Now, I'm not talking about myself or anyone that I know who might happen to be overweight. I'm talking about the grossly, morbidly obese people. They scare me and I know why... because I'm afraid of becoming them.

I've met people here and there in my life and I look at their lives and think "Boy, I sure don't want to ever become that person." I was discussing this with someone I know today and it segued into my fear of fat people. I knew it sounded irrational and not too terribly nice, but it exists and now I've put it out there. And my fear is because I don't want to become like them and I know it would be so, so easy.

That said, I actually look at the morbidly obese people when I see them on TV (or in person I guess, though I am not sure I the last time I saw someone who weighed quite that much in person) and I wonder how they got to that point. Who was enabling them and bringing them food when they got too fat to get out of bed? Who helped them to get to this point? And what within them caused them to eat and eat and eat and grow to such a large size.

Making fun of overweight people seems to be one of the last acceptable forms of discrimination out there. It's so easy to say, "Just stop eating!", but as an overweight person who has struggled all my life with weight issues, I know it's not that easy. It's not always about the food. Sure, sometimes I'm really, truly that hungry that I need to eat a larger amount than I might at other times. I'm not a super duper fast eater and am better about listening to the cues my body sends about hunger, but sometimes you just gotta eat. Sometimes I am so hungry (PMS) that I could eat my shoe because it's all that's left to eat and I feel like I'm starving.

But I look at someone who has spiraled out of control and I think, "That could be me." It could be. I could easily slip into worse patterns than I'm in already. I could eat more fatty and higher caloric food. I could stop working out. I could let it all go. But I don't. I hope I won't. I want to be in better shape and feel better overall more than I want to eat fried chicken or ice cream. It helps that my body, as I have gotten older, rejects fried food and most dairy products, but still. I had a big piece of cake today after having French fries with my lunch. Yesterday I hate 2 big chocolate chip cookies with a bunch of vanilla icing smooshed in between them. I don't usually do that two days in a row, but I'm also not big on self-denial. So you see, I could easily spiral out of control and eat myself into a stupor. Sometimes I think I'm just one Hershey's Kiss away from cankles.

And so, I fear fat people. I realize I'm rambling, but hopefully this makes sense to someone out there who might be reading it. My heart breaks for the morbidly obese. Those who can't stop eating. Those who can't do things for themselves because of their weight and inability to walk or move around. Those who can't go out in public without stares or snickers. Those who need help and can't or won't get it. It's cruel and it's not fair. And I'm afraid of ever becoming one of them.

The Week in Links

2011-08-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

I have this insane habit of posting a large number of links on Facebook, so I thought I'd cull them into one central location, should anyone care about what I have found interesting or useful over the previous 7 days.

Stand By Me: A Love Letter to Childhood Innocence

Tiffany and Debbie Gibson cheesy catfight in the SyFy film Megapython vs. Gatoroid

Quite possibly the best ending of a movie ever

News of a vile and fetid remake of "Dirty Dancing". Clearly, I'm not a fan of the idea.

Some important privacy information for LinkedIn users

If Anyone Falls - gotta love Stevie Nicks

More likely vile and fetid movie remakes on the way.

Warrant lead singer Jani Lane dies at 47

Balki's "Dance of Joy"!

10 New Earthly Wonders

Right now keeps happening

2011-08-07T18:33:00.000-04:00

For a rabid Bon Jovi fan such as myself, I seem to find more meaning in Van Halen lyrics/songs sometimes. And no, I'm not talking about "Hot for Teacher". Fine song. Lovely drum into. Always entertaining David Lee Roth, but no, not much meaning in that one. Or rather, not much meaning that I plan to delve into.

"Right Now" is probably one of my favorite VH songs. I tend to learn more toward the Van Hagar years it seems. Although I do consider "Dance the Night Away" one of the best songs of all time (more or less). And as usually, I'm disgressing.

In a nutshell, I like this song. I like it a lot. I like the video too and the messages that both of them send out. Because think about it... right now life is happening. Yours. Mine. Everyone else's. Right now bad things are happening. Right now, good things are happening. As someone who has spent an inordinate amount of time thinking "One day when this (insert appropriate event or thing here) happens, then I will finally be happy (insert other appropriate adjectives here such as fulfilled, skinny, whatever)", it's hard to focus on right now. So now and then it's nice to have a little rockin' reminder to focus more on right now and not as much on later on or back in the day.

The Shower Epiphany

2011-08-01T19:57:00.000-04:00

I had an epiphany while I was in the shower Saturday morning. Call it a shepiphany or an epiphower or whatever. i was standing under the hot spray thinking how wonderful it felt while simultaneously thinking I should turn the water down so that it wasn't so hot and decrease the water pressure and I could save money and conserve water. In the next instant I thought, "Why? Why do I have to do that? I deserve this hot shower!"

I know. My train of thought may not make much sense, but it did at the time. All of a sudden I got this flood of feeling that I didn't deserve to enjoy something. I get up really early during the week to make myself get in a workout. I leave my AC set at 80 degrees to save money in summer or 65 to save money in winter and either way, I'm uncomfortable in my own home. I don't buy things that I might want because I have to pay for gas to get to work and when I do actually spend a little money on myself, I have tremendous guilt.

When did it become ok for me to think I don't deserve things? That I don't deserve to enjoy things. And by "things" I mean even moments in time. If I spend a weekend afternoon on the couch reading and watching movies, I feel guilty because I should be up cleaning the house or mowing the lawn. It's always something.

And all of this makes me wonder just how much this sense of undeserving has taken over my life and how I view things. All things. I don't have any answers, but it's good food for thought. Because I'm not undeserving to enjoy things, even the smallest moments and simplest things. And neither is anybody else.

Why it matters that Donna Martin graduates

2011-07-24T16:44:00.001-04:00

If you weren't a fan of the show Beverly Hills, 90210 then the rallying cry of "Donna Martin graduates!" won't mean much of anything to you. For me, however, I really want that on a t-shirt. A bumper sticker. Who knows what else. Lately I've gotten really into watching the first few seasons of 90210 since I have them on DVD. Always a big Shannen Doherty/Brenda Walsh fan, I only really care about the first 4 seasons and yesterday I was watching the episode where Donna gets drunk at the prom and is expelled and banned from all senior activities - including graduation. Brandon and the gang pull the senior class together to stage a walk-out of final exams. They march - 500 strong - to the Board of Education who are meeting to decide Donna's fate - will she have to take summer school or will, in fact, Donna Martin graduate.

As I'm watching, I'm doing my fair share of eye rolling because of how silly this all seems 20 years after it aired on TV. 90210 always seemed to want to be an "issue show" - at last during the years the Peach Pit gang were at West Beverly Hills High. So seeing this episode and how they made a big deal of the students rallying together was no surprise. But what had me raising a quizzical brow was, why would 500 students really walk out of their final exams for one person. Yes, sure, any of them could have been drunk at the senior prom and some probably were, but they just didn't get caught. However, I can't think of anyone outside of my immediate group of friends in high school that I would have done that for. So to watch this huge group of people chanting "Donna Martin graduates!" seemed so silly to me. I thought, "Why make such a big deal out of such a small moment?"

And then it hit me, why not make a big deal out of that moment? Why not make a big deal out of every moment that happens in your life, no matter what or when? Why shouldn't everything be important? It seems like once we reach adulthood, we downplay high school and what happens there, when in reality it shapes so much of who we are. As do all our experiences shape who we are and who we become. But it seems like we spend a lot of time saying, "Oh, it's just high school. It won't matter years from now." Well, sure, that's true, but it doesn't mean that those moments don't matter or shouldn't be important.

So while in the end there was never any doubt if Donna Martin would graduate, it made me realize that each moment is important. Should be important. No matter what it is, the joy has to be taken from it and savored. Otherwise, they are just moments that are gone much too quickly

Bitchiness as a defense mechanism?

2011-07-20T20:59:00.000-04:00

I’ve been called a bitch a few times in my life. Possibly more than a few behind my back, but what I don’t know won’t provoke me to hurt someone.

It’s an interesting word “bitch”. According to the dictionary it means:

1: the female of the dog or some other carnivorous mammals

2a : a lewd or immoral woman b : a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman —sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse

3: something that is extremely difficult, objectionable, or unpleasant

4: complaint

But according to most of society it is used to describe means a female with strong opinions. A strong voice. Or someone who is just plain nasty. Yeah, it goes both ways. And with me, I’d wager it goes all those ways and then some.

I’m not the most-user friendly person at times. I may be quick with a witty quip or funny anecdote, but also with a cutting remark. Most often because I don’t have a good censor function. That's no excuse, just makin' a statement. I think something is funny and it comes out horribly wrong. And then sometimes… I'm just not nice. Actually, I think I can be more spiteful than bitchy, but I could be wrong.

What people miss when they label someone a bitch, however, is the idea that maybe bitchiness is being used as a defense mechanism. I can't speak for the rest of the world, but for me, I think a lot of what is seen by others as being bitchy started out in me as a defensive move. Why not zing someone before they can zing you? Why not throw out a snotty comment or toss around some attitude so people don't realize that your feelings are hurt. And most definitely in my case, I think shyness was often misconstrued for aloofness. I was afraid of my shadow when I was a child and well into my teen years and adulthood. I often find that the quiet observers are seen by those on the outside as being cold. Bitchy. Aloof. When really, they're just a little too afraid to step into the fray.

I’m not sure exactly when in life I flipped the bitch switch, but I have a clear memory of being in a high school class and having someone tell me, “If you were nicer you might get more dates.” It was a guy who told me that (no, I’m not naming names, but I remember exactly who it was) and it was a guy without any interest in me beyond being a friend in class as he had a very steady girlfriend (who I think he actually married years later). I wish I could remember what the conversation had been about prior to him making that comment, but for all that I remember about it, I have no idea what I said before this comment was made. Afterwards, I likely didn’t say anything because it would not have been my nature to be able to come up with a response.

Now, of course, I'd have a snappy, biting comeback cause that's just how I roll. And I'm fine with that and not overly concerned about what other people think of me, because I'm basically a nice person, unless you hurt someone I love and then run for cover. A lot of it is perspective as well because one person's bitch is another person's Mary Poppins. But I have to wonder how much of the bitch and bluster is really a defense for women who have been hurt. Teased. Bullied. Those who are shy, but that is misinterpreted for unfriendly. Mean. Snobby.

I don't really have an answer for that. Just throwing the question out into the great cosmic void as something to ponder. And as for me, well, I'll leave that to be determined by those who know me. I'm not overly worried with what anyone decides. To quote Cher (who is more diva than bitch, although you would not know it from reading some of her Tweets), "I only answer to two people - me and God."

We'll call this one "TMI Tuesday"

2011-07-19T20:22:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome because, well, I talk about it. A lot. Possibly too much. I didn’t always do that and I can easily NOT talk about it if it’s clearly something other people can’t discuss (one thing I’ve realized over the years is that some people can talk about $h*% and some people can’t. I can.). When I am going anywhere overnight with friends, I HAVE to talk about this so that people are prepared. I’ve been fortunate enough that my IBS hasn’t impacted my life so badly in the 16 years that I’ve had it so that I can’t travel or do most everything I want to do. But often it makes me late for work (because it usually hits in the morning) or other activities or just getting out of the door in the morning for whatever reason. Or it lately has prevented me from going to the Zumba classes I take in my hometown because I will be hit with a bad wave of problems when I get home from work. I have no idea why my body has been flip flopping time tables lately, but it has.

Everything I’ve read says that IBS is not triggered by food that you eat and I say that’s bull. Total bull. If nothing else, it is food that DOES trigger my IBS!! What I eat more than when I eat it. I have literally taken 2 bites of food before and had my gut start to clinch and I knew trouble was on the way. Dairy products do it (I have recently self-diagnosed with lactose intolerance). Caffeine does it (a single can of Diet Coke did me in a couple of weeks ago and I was sick off and on the rest of the day at work). Fried foods are no longer my friend and recently even things with tomato sauce in them have had to be crossed off the list. I haven’t eaten hot dogs in years and if I eat a piece of pizza it’s beyond tempting fate.

The frustration I have over this illness cannot be described. If you haven’t had to live with it, you just won’t understand. I don’t even really try to make people understand. At least, I hope I don’t. I want them to realize that it’s not my fault – I can eat really “clean” and still be sick, as if my body is rebelling at having all that healthy food in it for some reason. That this is not something I ever do deliberately. But I always have guilt if I have to cancel on something or miss my Zumba class (not that I go more than once or twice a week anyway mind you) or be late for work or whatever. And the frustration just compounds the issue. *sigh* So frustrating.

I have been going through a bad spell with this for the past month and no matter what I do, nothing seems to help. I think it’s the stress of commuting and not getting nearly enough rest that is making my situation worse. Every doctor I’ve seen has agreed that yes, this is IBS I’m dealing with and that stress is the primary cause. Which, of course, makes me MORE stressed out and the cycle goes on and on. Seeing no end in sight makes it worse.

I was having lunch with my former boss today who is a physician and well aware of all my problems – both IBS related and just the fact that I’m a nutball half the time too – and her suggestion was “Maybe you need to stop trying to control it.” Hmmmm… why yes, a worthy suggestion for sure. Just not sure how practical. I know I can’t stop it and there is no cure for IBS – you just have to live with it – but that doesn’t stop me from at least wanting to find a way to manage it and manage it better than I have been the past few years. I have taken more sick leave in the past 2 years of commuting an hour each way for work than I think I ever did in the past. My body and illness go through cycles and I can remember times, based on which city I was living in, when my body behaved in specific ways, but for the life of me I can’t pin down enough food triggers to stop this horribly thing from consuming my life. And consume it does because if I get up in the morning and have a bad episode then that will make me late for work. Usually not more than 15 or 20 minutes, but one day I swear I tried to leave town 3 times and each time I’d get about to the city limits and the stomach cramps would start. So I’d turn the car around and hurry home. I gave up at that point trying to go to work and called in sick. But calling in sick is not who I am or it’s definitely not who I want to be. And if I have an episode when I get home from work, that will make me feel queasy and nauseous for the rest of the evening, so there goes any idea of getting in a workout. This is partly why I have started getting up at 4am again to workout. I might only get in 25-30 minutes before getting ready for work, but it’s better than nothing.

And speaking of 4am… I was previously getting up at 4:30am so I could leave home around 6:15am to get to work by 7:30am and no one ever understood why I got up that early. Well, it’s padding. Padding my time in case I’m sick in the morning so I have enough time to deal with my illness and then still (hopefully) get to work on time. When I would mention getting up early, I was/am always questioned and then if I give a truthful answer it’s like you’ve gone running at someone with a machete – they really do NOT want to know. Um… well… why did you ask? Why not just take my word that I NEED to get up that early.

All of that leads into yet another question of, do I get enough rest by getting up so early and the answer is most definitely NO, I do NOT. For me, I truly need 9-10 hours of sleep a night. That is how I function best and my body works best with that much sleep. Unfortunately I’m lucky to get about 6 hours a night during the week and I am confident that this compounds my problems as well. It’s always something.

I think this post is really just venting on my part more than anything else. I’m so frustrated right now that I can’t see straight sometimes. Mostly I want to know what I’ve done to deserve this torture and I assure you, some days it is pure torture. I know there are those who deal with things that are so much worse, but people are loath to discuss IBS or Crohn’s Disease because of the area it affects. Like I said earlier, some people can talk about $h*& and some people can’t. I feel like unless someone has experienced this, then they think it’s not a big deal. Not something serious and something that I and other sufferers should be able to do something about by either popping a pill or “just stop eating ice cream”. But as my ex-boss said today, “There’s no magic pill for anything” and she’s right. Even when I WAS taking meds, it didn’t stop what is happening to my body.

I am now back to contemplating an elimination diet, but they are so restrictive for so long that I think a better avenue for me is a reverse elimination diet and a slower removal of foods to test them as potential irritants. I sure do miss ice cream, but I do NOT miss how I have felt the last few times I’ve eaten some. Just not worth it.

Someday I am determined to beat this nasty illness and have my health back. Actually, I want better health than I’ve had in the past. I want to stop having fear of going places or eating in restaurants. I want to stop having to know exactly where the bathroom is in every place I go of dosing up on Imodium before I take a trip “just in case”. Someday, some day, some day.

Unmentionables

2011-07-06T13:54:00.000-04:00

It's hard sometimes to decide whether or not to blog about a topic. Sometimes it's just TMI to share. Sometimes it's too personal or specific. Sometimes it's work-related and therefore, in my opinion, taboo. Not because I have any problems with my job, but because it's not a safe topic to blast onto the world wide web, even if you are only saying the most positive, glowing things.

So, often wondering what is or is not a good subject to blog about will stymie me occasionally from posting anything at all.

One thing that is ongoing and a big part of my life is dealing with weight and weight loss. I cannot remember a time ever in my life when weight wasn't an issue. From being called fat and ugly as a kid in elementary school through still having some twisted issues with my weight 30+ years later. But I am never sure if I want to blog about my current issues and struggles or not. Because when I do, people seem to always want to have input which is fine on one hand, but on the other hand, it's annoying.

It's annoying because everyone thinks they know what the super duper magic key to weight loss is. And I am well aware that at times my eating habits are poor. And at times I don't workout hard enough or often enough or long enough. I am totally aware that you have to eat less and eat better and burn more calories than you take in. But for some reason people feel the need to repeat and repeat that sort of thing as if I have no idea about any of it. I'm blonde. I'm not a complete moron.

Now, by blogging ou open yourself up to comments. I know that too. But do I really seem stupid enough not to know how to lose weight? However, knowing and doing are totally different things. Food is an addiction for me, like cigarettes are for a smoker. When I am told I cannot have certain foods under any circumstances because they are "bad", then that is all I want. It's a fight I will have to battle all my life. I've been fighting for 40 years already and see no end in sight. I don't say that in a "poor, pitiful me" kind of way, but in a way of acceptance and acknowledgement of what I am dealing with. All. The. Time.

In my life I've weighed as much as 220 pounds and as little as 125. Neither was a good look for me at 5' 7". Oh sure, all the Hollywood and model types are probably in that 125 range, but I've seen pictures of me and it looked like I had a really big head on a scrawny neck. Of course, my thighs probably rocked, but still... Neither weight was healthy for me.

These days I'd be happy with about 160 and feel accomplished. I may never get there. I may always be trapped in the body of a fat girl. I may never conquer my inner demons so that I can eat to live, not live to eat. I don't know what will happen.

But I do know that I'd like to be able to blog about whatever I'm thinking and feeling at the time without worrying about getting tons of well-meaning "advice" on how I can best lose weight. Because there is no "best" way. No "right" way that covers every person in the world. Everybody and every body is different. What works for you might not work for me and vice versa. I don't mean for this entry to seem hostile. I really don't. I just want people to realize that we all have to deal with our issues in our own way. Otherwise nothing will ever be settled for any of us.

As for me, I expect if I live another 40 years to still have weight issues every day of my life. I hate that, but I can't imagine it's not true. And... I have no idea what else I wanted to say, so I'll just stop.

What's your point?

2011-07-04T15:00:00.000-04:00

Uh... I'm not sure I have one, actually. I've been doing some research here and there trying to find ways to increase traffic to my blog and to narrow the focus of it. And while I would love to have a huge list of followers and tons of people reading my ramblings, I'm not sure I want to have a specific focus. I like writing whatever pops into my mind. I feel like I do my best writing when I am doing more of a stream of consciousness thing and just talking about whatever appeals at the time. Sometimes it turns out well and other times, well, probably not so much.

I've thought about a name change for the blog as well - I get bored easily and like change - but am waffling on that one as well.

In the end, while I run in circles sometimes, it all comes back to wanting to write about what I want to write about. Whatever motivates me in the moment. Whatever is important to me at that time. Otherwise, what's the point in writing at all? Very little, if you ask me. Not that you did.

One thing I found in wandering the blogosphere today was that there are tons of weight loss blogs. Just tons of them. Which is fine, but I don't want to be one of them. I might write about my weight struggles, but I don't want that to be a focus for me. I don't want to write about my job because I think that is career suicide, even if you love your job like I do mine. I don't want to talk about religion all the time, but sometimes I might and I do.

So yeah, I'm not sure what my point is except to write. To want to write and share my thoughts and feelings with whoever might be reading. Or just putting it out there into the world regardless of whether anyone is paying attention or not. Isn't blogging mostly an exercise in narcissism anyway? Eh. *shrugging* I can live with that!

Random photo post

2011-07-03T19:11:00.002-04:00

Random photos of random things that I have and that I like. That is all.

Gator magnets I bought when I lived in Dubai. They can be found in various locations around my house. There are many, many of them. I think they are multiplying. I'm a little scared about that.

Hippo bank. No clue where it came from except out of a box in my parents' attic. Not sure if it belonged to me or my brother, but it's strange and I like strange things.

Given to me by my aunt and uncle the year I lived in Dubai.

Made by my paternal grandmother for my mother's kitchen. I have one that she made for me too back when I was just a kid because she wanted to do it before her eyesight gave out on her and she couldn't do cross stitch anymore.

"I see now that stuffing your dog is more than what happens when you take a dead body and turn it into a souvenir."

2011-06-29T14:11:00.000-04:00

image from Amazon.com

I have been listening - sort of - the past couple of days to Alan Alda's book Never Have Your Dog Stuffed and Other Things I've Learned while commuting to and from work. I haven't really been able to get into it after 4 chapters, so I'm not sure if I'll continue with the whole thing, but finally something struck me today as interesting and insightful.

When he was 8, his dog Rhapsody died. It was a sad story that I won't repeat because it did not make me happy on my drive in today. And suffice it to say that 8-year-old Alan wasn't a happy camper either. As he and his father are about to bury the dog, he bursts into tears and won't or can't stop. His father has the “bright” idea to take the dog to the taxidermist and have it stuffed. Unfortunately, the Rhapsody is returned to them with a snarl on his face that scares all visitors and when it is put on the front porch, delivery men leave their packages in the yard and run for cover. Not knowing, of course, that the dog isn't real.

Alda goes on to say that eventually what he remembers most about the dog is that hideous stuffed reminder and not the happy times with his beloved pet when he was alive.

“As time went on my memory of the real Rhapsody was replaced by the image of him sitting lifeless on the blue board with the hideous look on his face. And anyway, it wasn’t memories I wanted. I wanted the dog. I wanted him sitting at the end of the first day in our new house, patiently watching my face while I pulled foxtail burrs from the fur on his long ears. Yet the effort to keep him had seemed to make him disappear even more. I couldn’t understand why. As I did about most things in my life, starting with my mother, I kept asking the same questions, ‘Why is it like this?’, ‘What’s happening here?’ when I couldn’t figure it out. I understand it a little better now. And I see now that stuffing your dog is more than what happens when you take a dead body and turn it into a souvenir. It’s also what happens when you hold on to any living moment longer than it wants you to. Memory can be a kind of mental taxidermy. Trying to hold on to the present after it’s become the past.”

I could probably say more on this subject, but I will leave Mr. Alda’s words to stand on their own. I may just have to listen to the whole book after all to see if there are any other hidden nuggets of wisdom buried in other interesting places.

Play It Again Sam(my Hagar)

2011-06-28T21:27:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time I wrote a little blog for my church group (back when I used to do a weekly email for the group) about how I heard God talking to me through a Cher song. And I've heard God speak to me through an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati as well. And I've frequently heard God speaking to me through a Van Halen song. I searched and searched and cannot find the blog I thought I'd written about this years ago, because some time around the Cher experience is when I think this all came about.

Now, there are those that scoff at hearing God speak to you in any other way than through reading the Bible. Well, I disagree. I think if you look and listen, you will find God all around you, every day. You never know when or how or why He is going to send you a message. You just have to be open to it.

On this particular day I was out in my yard pruning the lantanna. Which is not my favorite thing and generally only happens in January or February once the leaves have fallen. I'm not sure exactly how my head got into this particular place, but I was talking with God and wondering how he could stand the human race most of the time. I mean, good grief! We are a messed up bunch of people that's for ding dang sure. Fortunately, God offers us grace and forgiveness and salvation. Can't get much luckier - or rather, blessed -than that.

So as I'm pruning and pondering and asking God how he can love someone like me, who is certainly undeserving, the Van Halen song "I Can't Stop Loving You" came on and I heard these words:

There's a time and place for everything, for everyone
We can push with all our might, but nothin's gonna come
Oh no, nothin's gonna change
And if I asked you not to try
Oh could you let it be

and

I can't stop lovin' you
And no matter what I say or do
You know my heart is true, oh
I can't stop loving you

I can't clearly recall, but I think I started laughing a little bit at the fact that at the very moment when I needed something like this, this song came on. And I truly believe it was God speaking to me. Reassuring me. Reminding me that no matter what I do, He can't and won't stop loving me. It was pretty cool.

So now every time that song pops up on my iPod, I stop and smile and listen, remembering that God loves me. Even though I don't deserve it. And that sometimes, if He asks me not to push and try so hard, can I just let it be. I'm grateful for God's love and His grace, especially when I have no idea what is going to happen or which way my life is headed (which is basically all the time the past few years, or so it seems). And I'm grateful that God chooses seemingly strange places and things to use to speak to me. I believe God chooses the avenue that is best for the individual and how He knows He can get through to us. And he definitely does get through to me in this song. I dunno... maybe it has something to do with Sammy's hair. :o)

When you say the words, are you really listening?

2011-06-26T16:16:00.000-04:00

Every year before the 4th of July, my church will do patriotic music on Sunday morning. I enjoy that because I relate a lot of patriotic music to church for some reason. The only thing I can think of is that I can clearly remember being in the church I grew up in in Virginia, singing "America the Beautiful" during Vacation Bible School one year. So for me, the connection is there. And, truth be told, I don't actually like to sing a lot in church. My church has great music, but just too much of it. I am in the minority in that train of thought I think, but I'm a vocal part of that minority. Which is really neither here not there except to say that today we had patriotic music and it was good.

Not my photo - snatched from the church's Facebook page.

Except... well... I don't like it when people tinker with the melody of "The Star Spangled Banner". For me, it should be sung at the same tempo, the same melody, all the time. Why mess with something that already sounds good? I don't care for "jazzed up" versions, which is somewhat what we had this morning. It was still good, just not... right. Not to my ears anyway. Which had my friend Barbara rolling her eyes at me because she knows full well I think we sing too much at our church. I'd rather listen than have to actually take part in the singing. And when I listen I want to be sitting down. That's just me. I also prefer more traditional church music to contemporary, but I'll hop off that soap box now because I could go on for days. And it's not like anyone asked me anyway. :o)

Back to the patriotic music. Considering the state of the world and the United States these days, it was interesting to me to listen, really listen, to the lyrics of the songs. And to the Pledge of Allegiance. Most any American school child - at least from my days in school - can recite that without having to think twice. But have you ever really thought about the words?

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Hmmmm... People say it, but do they mean it? Do folks mean it when they say they pledge their allegiance to their country? Goodness knows people are fighting to remove any reference to God out of there (again, don't get me started on that one). Are we really an indivisible nation? Can't prove it by me. And we sure as hell don't provide liberty and justice for all. It's kind of sad when you break it down like that.

But I believe people mean it when they say it. Or at least we all believe that we mean it.

It's a lot for my feeble brain to suss out this afternoon, but at this time of year I always get to thinking about patriotism and what it means to love your country. I think it, much like religion, is a pretty personal thing. You can't tell someone else they don't love their country enough. Who are you or I to judge? Some of us are quieter in our patriotism than others. That doesn't make us less.

So when you're singing "America the Beautiful" or "My Country Tis of Thee" of reciting "The Pledge of Allegiance" this coming July 4th, I would encourage you to stop and really listen to what you are singing or saying. It makes it more interesting in my opinion and hopefully more meaningful.

Disappointment

2011-06-25T19:59:00.001-04:00

Hmmm... I've had this post in my head for a few days and I'm not sure if it's better to write right when you have the inspiration or ruminate on it a while and see what comes out a few days later. Heck, I'm not even sure I know what I want to say anymore.

I was driving to work the other day and thinking that I am coming to the end of the project I adopted to pray about 5 specific things for a year and watch how God works in your life and changes it. Lately though all I feel when I pray about it all is disappointment. Oh, I never expected all these things in my life to completely change in this year... or maybe I did. I fully understand that just praying about something doesn't mean it's going to happen. That to make things happen we all have to pull our share of the weight and can't expect God to wave some magic wand and presto! everything is different. I also realize that just because we pray for something doesn't mean it's what is going to happen. God doesn't give us what we want - He gives us what we need. But that hasn't stopped my disappointment. And yes, I've been pulling my share of the weight. Or at least, I though I was. I've been doing things or making changes that seem appropriate to following the course of action that I'm seeking. But maybe it's just not enough.

The day that I was praying about this and thinking these thoughts, I pulled up one of the blogs that I follow at lunch time - Melanie in the Middle - and found this post which spoke to me about what I'd been thinking that morning. You should just click and go read the post because it's worth it, but in a nutshell it's about positioning yourself to get what you want or where you want to be in life. It was just what I needed to hear at the time I needed to hear it.

Jump forward to Thursday afternoon (at lunchtime once again) and I'm searching for something with any meaning to me whatsoever to post in my Facebook status. Since I post status updates way too much, it's a tad bit disconcerting when I come up empty for anything to post. I often fall back on quotes that I like and that will convey whatever my thoughts are at the time. This is what I came up with from the movie You've Got Mail. It's from an e-mail that Meg Ryan's character is sending to Tom Hanks's character and again, it spoke to me at the right time:

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void."

I have those selfsame thoughts all the time. I wonder if I am sabotaging myself and my potential successes. If I set myself up to fail or say I can't do something just because it's hard and takes some effort on my part. Do I push things aside because I don't think I can accomplish the task. Do I just not do things because I'm not being brave.

I don't really have answers to all of that right now (or maybe I do and I'm just avoiding dealing with them hint - that's probably what it is), but I do know that I have some decisions coming up that are going to require me to make some hard choices. Or at least choices that seem hard. Maybe they are really easier than I think and I am simply making things harder than they need to be. I do that so well you know. Over think. Over plan. Over do. But there are changes brewing folks. That much I know for sure. And when I break it all down, it's really not that God hasn't answered my prayers because He has. In bits and spurts, but nothing totally to fruition and that still frustrates me. I have seen God at work in my life, but I am still disappointed that time is running out and things haven't come together more. And trust me, that list of 5 things ain't gonna all just happen in the next month. I know God can do anything and I am definitely not throwing down a gauntlet, but that would be a whole heck of a lot for a month's time. Regardless, I'm a little sad, a little dismayed, but I've taken it all to God and He knows. I mean, He'd know how I was feeling even if I did not tell Him, so why not just lay it out. And I get the hints that it's really not on God, but it's on me to make some decisions and choices and move things forward. If I'm brave enough. I guess that's the real deal breaker here. And I'm not at all sure what the answer is.

Oh that's just kids' stuff?

2011-06-20T21:11:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to pack some things away so that my house isn't cluttered when it shows to potential buyers. Seeing has how I only have a potential buyer every 4 months, it's not like I don't have time to work on that. And my house isn't really cluttered anyway. But I'm giving it a shot anyway to keep improving the appearance of the inside of the house.

To that end on Sunday I was cleaning some shelves and moving things around and I kept coming across a lot of...stuff. Kids' stuff. And by that I mean, well, yeah, there are toys like my Star Wars toys from the 70s and 80s, but also other things I have. Books that I've kept since childhood. Random little trinkets that most folks would toss, but that mean something to me. If for no other reason than they are items I've held onto over the years.


These are my attack rabbits. Don 't they look dangerous?? They sit on a shelf in the laundry room waiting to attack... stray socks? I have no idea. But I used to get these in my Easter basket when I was a kid. The large ones are banks.

My Great Aunt Hettie Mae and Great Uncle Marshall made all kinds of ceramics from molds, including this gnome. I have another one too that belonged to my brother. I guess they are gnomes. I always thought of them more like dwarves, though they do not resemble the seven I am most familiar with.

Oh the fun 70s with their green!! This used to hang on my wall when I was a kid along with a yellow one. They both now reside in my laundry room.

A favorite book of mine. Actually, it belongs to my brother, but I refuse to give it back even if he asked for it. :o) I'm a great little sister, eh? LOL

I have always loved the illustrations in this book.

This book makes me smile.

I'm pretty sure one of our dogs chewed this hippo and I should have thrown it out, but I can't. Just a piece of my childhood that I want to keep. I don't even remember playing with it. It's just always been around.

Another favorite book - this one actually IS mine. From 1974 I believe.

This book, too, is full of all kinds of run illustrations.

And stories that I have noooo recollection of whatsoever.

I don't remember carrying my lunch in this. I mostly remember storing crayons in it. And I'm pretty sure I hit this little boy named David on the head with it one day on the bus during kindergarten.

Oooohhhh... pretty... Gotta love a psychedelic, plastic 70s ring.

Any self-respecting sci fi fan will recognize this as a Daggit from the original Battlestar Galactica series. It used to have a tail. Unlike with the hippo, I'm pretty sure *I* am the one who chewed it off.

Remembering Michael

2011-06-19T20:55:00.001-04:00

I've had this post wandering around my brain for the past week and am still not sure just what is going to come out of my fingers as I type.

Last week I played host for an evening to the mother and sister of a friend of mine from high school. Michael died nearly 2 years ago when he was hit by a car trying to help a cat in the road that had been injured. His mother isn't sure if Michael may have hit the cat and stopped or if he just saw it, but it was his nature to stop and try to help. She said that no one who knew him was surprised by his actions. He stopped the car, pulled over to the side of the road and turned on his flashers and got out, with a big flashlight. But a car saw the flashers and changed lanes, but did not see Michael and hit him. His mother told us last week that if he did not die on impact, then he was in shock enough that he did not feel pain or suffer. It's so strange to think of that as a "blessing".

I received a note about a month ago from Michael's mother saying they would be in town last weekend and would like to get together with any friends of his still in the area, so I put the word out and a few friends were able to make it to my house that evening. His mother was visiting places where they had previously lived - they now live in Colorado - and where she had happy memories of her son as a means of trying to cope with his death. I can't imagine how you ever cope with the loss of a child, but I hope that this visit with his friends was able to help her in some small way.

All we did was sit in my living room and talk and reminisce about about our high school years with Michael, but it was so nice to hear stories about what he was like as an adult. I had no idea he'd been married and divorced. I knew he played lead guitar in a band, but never realized the following the had. His mother gave me a CD of songs he had written. I haven't listened to it yet. But I will.

Before he died, Michael had been seriously considering traveling back across the country with another friend to "crash" our high school reunion (he graduated a year before I and this other friend did). But he never had that chance. We raised our glasses at that reunion to our dear old friend and we raised glasses again last Saturday night.

I will never have children to remember me when I am gone one day, but I hope I am fortunate and blessed enough to have some friends out there in the world who will think as highly of me as everyone who knew Michael thinks of him. I am sad that I never got to know the man he was, but I will always smile when I remember the boy that I knew.

There is only one picture that I know of of the two of us together, but I think it's one of the best pictures there could possibly be. So as we approach the 2nd anniversary of his passing this coming September, I will say a little prayer for my friend that he is at peace and that his family will continue to find their peace as well.

Circa summer 1988 at a church youth group Bible study.

Up, up and away

2011-06-12T20:36:00.002-04:00

I was out working in my yard today when something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I did a double take because I wasn't sure what it was that I saw floating in the sky. At first hasty glance I thought maybe it was large birds which instantly made me wonder what was dead over in one of the neighbor's yards. Hey, as long as it wasn't the one of the neighbors, I figured it was all good.

Turns out, it wasn't buzzards or vultures or whatnot (though I have actually seen those a time or two a little too close to my neighborhood feasting on some road kill - hey, I had to look... just not close enough to see much), but balloons. Three bundles of balloons that someone had released into the sky.

found on Google Images

From their low level to the ground I think they were released a street or so over from my house. But... why?

Fascinated, I ended up sitting down at the back of my driveway and watching as the three bunches floated up into the sky. Higher and higher. Until they disappeared. I couldn't seem to help myself. I just sat and watched and wondered.

Wondered who had released them and why. Did they escape from a birthday party? Were some children sending out messages into the world with the hope that whoever got their missive would respond from some far off land like England or Australia or Pacoima (which is totally far from my hometown I assure you. More or less.). Just what was the purpose of those balloons floating skyward?

I'll never know the answer to that I'm sure, but watching them float away seemed somehow... magical. Because maybe whoever released those balloons was doing more than simply letting go of a few ribbons and strings. Maybe they were symbolic of letting go of something in that person's life that needed to be released so that they could be released. Maybe those balloons were really hopes and dreams being set upon the breeze to float skyward and catch flight and carry those hopes and dreams further than that person could do at that moment. So many maybes and possibilities.

I sat and watched until each bundle of balloons had risen so high into the blue summer sky that they weren't even specs anymore. And I thought about what hopes and dreams that I may need to cast to the winds and see where they land. What, perhaps, I should release in order to be released. And I know when I walk outside tomorrow morning I will gaze up at the dawning sky, for just an instant, and hope that those balloons have reached their destination. Fulfilled their purpose. And that I will too.

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right?

2011-06-08T12:55:00.000-04:00

I was driving to work yesterday listening to the Alan Jackson song, “It’s 5 O’clock Somewhere” and for some reason the only thing that would stick in my head is how much we, as a society, complain about going to work. Oh sure, if pressed those of us who are gainfully employed will definitely say we are glad to have a job and appreciate being able to work to make a living. But overall it is socially acceptable to moan and groan when Monday morning rolls around. To clock-watch all day at work just waiting for quitting time (at least, it’s socially acceptable among most co-workers. I’m guessing there isn’t a boss out there who’d appreciate their employees doing this too much.) It’s simply a fact of life that we all complain about having to go to work.

It’s always been funny to me when someone returns from a vacation that they are often asked, “Are you glad to be back?” Sometimes that is tongue-in-cheek, but others it is sincerely meant. I always want to respond with, “Yeah, sure, I’m just thrilled to pieces to have left my time of relaxation and rest to come back here and have to get up early and deal with all the crap that’s piled up while I was gone.” Alas, there are many who do not appreciate my sarcastic nature. Go figure. *shrugs* Moving on…

The song really made me think about what a big culture of whiney babies we are. Myself included. Hell, I am often the Queen of the Whiney Babies and I freely admit it. Because if I can’t get the complaints out of my system, they cause me stress and make me physically sick. No, really. Physically sick. Well, the stress does that to me, if not holding in the whining. Just ask my doctor. I have a note and everything (I do, actually).

But good grief! When did it become the norm that we complain about work? It’s expected even. We are baffled if people are chipper in the morning (and hey, if you got up at 4:30am 5 days a week like I do, I’d challenge any chipperness in you by asking what medications you are taking). Baffled if they are excited to go to work. And I admit I am baffled by people who say they would work, even if they didn’t have to. Now, I like my job and I love my boss, but if I won the lottery tomorrow, I’d be tendering my resignation the very next day. I work because I have to, not because I want to. And I can’t get ahead financially to save my life, but that’s a post for another day when I feel like whining about my crappy finances and how I have abandoned all hope of ever getting out of debt. But I digress… as usual…

What I really want to know is when we became a culture of whining, complaining, underperforming, overeating, entitled, big freaking cry babies??? When did it become the norm to complain? Ask someone “How’s the weather?” and I can promise they aren’t going to smile and say “Oh, it’s lovely!” It’ll either be too hot or too cold or too wet or too dry. Inquire about someone’s health and you are likely to hear all about their phlebitis, laryngitis, colitis, dermatitis and every other “itis” they can come up with. And aren’t you glad you asked??

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I complain probably louder than most anyone else out there. I am well aware. It seems to be sewn into my DNA. But is it nature or nurture that caused that? Well, ok, so my paternal grandmother was a champion worrier AND complainer, but the woman was approximately 800 years old when I was born, so I always cut her some slack. I just… I dunno. It just bugs me. It bugs me when *I* complain. It bugs me when someone else does ad nauseum. And it sure as hell bugs me that we are raising generations who do it all the freakin’ time. Generations who have had everything handed to them (or so it seems a lot of the time). Generations where they get a trophy for 9th place, just because they participated. Well folks, I hate to tell you this, but in life you DO NOT get a trophy for 9th place. It doesn’t happen. You either WIN or you LOSE. Even if you get a trophy for 2nd and 3rd, YOU STILL LOST. And is that the worst thing in the world?? I worked with college students for years and the stench of entitlement and irresponsibility just radiated off of so, so many of them it would make you sick.

When did this all become so commonplace? When did it become ok? And how in the hell do we stop it???

A little of this and a dash of that

2011-06-03T18:28:00.000-04:00

Oh how I hate that by the end of the week, all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep until the morning. And today it is worse than usual because I'm been sick for the past 24 hours. More or less, anyway. I ate something I shouldn't have and paid the consequences and am still feeling foul. And possibly sapped of energy because I'm afraid to eat much of anything for fear of getting sick again. You would think I would have learned long, long ago after living with a chronic illness for over 15 years that some things I simply should not eat, but yeah, I'm an idiot. We'll just leave it at that and hope that maybe, possibly this time I have hit rock bottom. Here's hoping. I'd love to smarten up for a change and stop saying "I feel bad" all the freakin' time. At least I cover it pretty well. I think. I mean, I work in a doctor's office and manage not to walk around whining that I feel bad, so that's something. Although I had a raging headache today and took some Excedrin and the caffeine made me hyper, which I felt the need to tell people about. So it's quite possible that they were all very happy that I work in an office by myself and didn't have time to make a lot of conversation with them after that great revelation.

And as for work, I got a rockin' performance eval this week, proof once again that I kick ass. Or at least they feel that I do. Which I greatly appreciate cause I like my job. My boss is great, the other folks I work with are great, the commute sucks, but hey, you can't have everything. It's nice to be appreciated though. I ain't gonna lie about that one.

On another, totally unrelated note, I have to get my oil changed tomorrow. I have serious car paranoia, so getting an oil change freaks me out for some reason. I am always convinced that whenever I get into my car, some dashboard light is going to come on and flash at me and make all kinds of "binging" noises to alert me that at any moment my car will self-destruct. You would think an oil change would reassure me since it's doing maintenance on my car, but...nah... I still freak out. Probably in part because I take the car to Valvoline since my regular garage doesn't do oil changes on the weekend and they always want to sell me additional services, now and then attempting to fuel my paranoia by saying how it's recommended maintenance and if I don't get it my car will self-destruct (or something slightly less dramatic than that). I've finally gotten to where I simply tell them I can't afford it right now - which is totally true - and they generally drop it. And, in fact, haven't tried to push a service on me at all recently, so maybe we're all moving past that. All I want is an oil change boys and I'll be on my way. So that's my plan for tomorrow. Big fun in Shannonland for sure.

Ok. All I want to do now is sleep. I swear I had more thoughts in my simple mind when I started writing this post, but they have now vanished into thin air. I'm beat. Something's really gotta give. I was thinking this morning as I drove to work that I've been praying for nearly a year about some things I've asked God to work on in my life and I'm somewhat disappointed that all the issues have not been resolved. And I told God as much. I mean, if you can't be honest with God - who already knows what you are thinking and feeling anyway - then who can you be honest with, right? Right. (See, now I'm back on track and having thoughts... hopefully coherent ones...) I have definitely seen God at work in my life and moving in the specific areas that I've been praying about, but I guess I had higher hopes. I wanted solutions. Resolutions. Things done and over and tied up in a nice, bright bow. Which ain't how life works. *sigh* But I so want it to. So I'm disappointed with 2 months left on my year of praying about those things. And I'm not being shy about it. Oh, I'm not giving God an ultimatum or anything stupid like that. But I'm kinda bummed and still working toward making that nice little bow. Or a reasonable facsimile. Whatever that might be.

On Saturday I took a little walk...

2011-05-30T18:30:00.001-04:00

On Saturday I needed to run a book-on-CD back to the library and decided to walk. It's only about 20 minutes away and I've done it before. However, I lollygagged and didn't leave the house until about 11am, when it was a tad bit toastier than it would have been if I'd left at say, 9:45am. But with a bottle of water I headed of f anyway and decided to take pictures as I walked along of anything I saw that I found interesting. And here is what I found.

Some of the neighbors down the street had flags lining the sidewalk for Memorial Day.

Y'know, you see a toilet on the front porch of a house and think, "I'll bet there's a story there!" And, in fact, there IS a story here. And I know what it is. But... I'm not gonna tell it. Leave an email addy if you want the story.

Stage door for the arts center down the street. NOT the stage door for the theatre I work with, but mere steps away from the door I enter to the theatre.

We had rain the night before which usually stirs up all manner of things. Including trash.

I am always fascinated by the tracks or shoe prints left in the cement on the sidewalks around my neighborhood.

Local architect's office that I have always thought would make a cool house. From the outside anyway.

Church steeple at First Pres. Not my church, though I am a Presbyterian. For whatever that matters.

Someone at the county administration building is feeding a cat it seems...

Courthouse windows.

Courthouse steps. I took a longer route home and took some time out to sit and just watch the world go by. As much as it does down there on Main Street.

Courthouse flags flying at half-mast and flapping in the breeze.

Part of what I picked up at the 'brary. Always need some books on CD for the long commute to and from work.

The real question is, will I actually manage to read both books before they are due back 2 in weeks. History would suggest that it's not likely.

So tell me what you want, what you really, really want...

2011-05-26T21:20:00.000-04:00

So the play I was in is over now and I hope to find my motivation to blog once again. Oh, I think of things now and then that I want to write about, but it's usually when I'm driving in my car and nowhere near being close to a computer. And then I lose whatever thoughts I had and that's the end of it. Hopefully I'll be stringing some more coherent thoughts together soon, but until these, some recent observations...

** There are more secret Spice Girls fans out there than I ever realized. Put on "Wannabe" and just see if they don't start dancing. True story.

** Learning my lines for the play really screwed up my brain. I've been forgetting details at work and I am so anal-retentive about organization that it makes me nuts now and then. I am hoping to regain a few working brain cells now. Maybe.

** I really can't stand to hear another woman say, "I was so bad. I ate 2 cookies today." Or in place of cookies, but in whatever food you consider "bad". I know I am an enabler and I will totally eat whatever I want (and I'm not dumb enough to think that that isn't why I am not the size/weight I'd like to be), but thinking food is "good" or "bad" is really screwed up. I am trying to banish that notion totally out of my thought process. Anything is bad if you overindulge. But 2 cookies isn't going to be the end of the world. Unless you allow yourself to think it's bad and wrong and all that crap. Such screwed up thinking that we let ourselves demonize food when it's the decisions we make that cause the problems. I like Oreos and I like celery, but I want them at different times. I crave salt sometimes. I crave sweet. Sometimes I want something with a crunch. Anything - crackers, pretzels, apples, celery. Anything that will crunch. But in the end it's about choices. Have the donut, just don't have one every day and don't have 5 in a day. It's like the saying "Everything in moderation". The more I hear women talk about being "bad" and eating "bad" food, the more I realize that saying is oh so true. Or at least it should be.

Annnnnnddd... now my brain is giving out again. Time to close up shop and read a book before bed. I'm not happy about this nasty summer weather we have already, but it IS summer in SC, even if the calendar doesn't say it's summer yet. I just hope the high 90s go back to the mid-80s for a while and don't visit us again until maybe August. If then. Yeah, I have a great fantasy running in my brain don't I?

My thoughts on Mother's Day

2011-05-08T18:44:00.000-04:00

I am not a mother nor have I ever particularly wanted to be a mother, but I had a mother. Oh, she made me batsh** crazy half the time, but she was a good mother. Whatever else I might say, I can say 100% that she loved me. And that's what matters, right?

I know that Mother's Day makes some folks who have lost their mothers sad and the same goes for Father's Day, but I'm not one of those people. I don't get upset at the holidays because my mother is no longer alive. I might tear up on a Tuesday in June for no particular reason rather than finding a holiday to be a sad time missing someone. That's just who I am and how I'm made I guess. And my mother always threatened to jump up out of the grave and haunt us all if we were all mopey dopey and visited her grave and gave her flowers in her death, when she really would have preferred to have them when she was alive and could enjoy them.

As I thought of friends who are sad today or visiting grave sites and whatnot, I am reminded of this poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye that was shared with me on December 31, 1999 - the day my mother died. And now I'd like to share it with any of you who may be reading this blog.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.

Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932

Girls Weekend in GA - Part I

2011-05-04T21:30:00.000-04:00

I've been rather out of pocket lately because 1) I haven't had much to say and 2) I'm rehearsing for a play at the local community theatre and that takes up all my evening time. And any coherent thought process I may have left at the end of the day.

This past weekend, however, I got the heck out of Dodge - or at least South Carolina - and spent the weekend in the Georgia mountains with my high school girlfriends. Not everyone could make it, but hopefully we can get things set in the future so that everyone can be in attendance from now on. I tend to take pictures of things, rather than people, so I'll be updating in the next couple of weeks with photos posts of things I saw on the trip. And maybe snatch some pics from other people too.

We stayed at a Bend of the River Cabins and Chalets, which is between Dahlonega and Helen, GA. We had the top 2 levels of the River Ridge Chalet and below are some photos I took of the interior decor. Much more enjoyable than staying in a hotel!


Gloves on a side table


The view from the top indoor balcony. Lots and lots of artificial flowers everywhere.


Bunnies!!

Ok. Enough pictures for today. More next time!

Teach your children well

2011-05-02T17:42:00.000-04:00

Usually when criticism is launched at daytime television it's over the ridiculousness of the soap operas, which with the recent cancellation of One Life to Live and All My Children, are a dying genre. Being home from work today I have found, however, that soaps (which I actually loooove and still mourn the passing of my beloved As the World Turns last September) are the least of the worries on daytime TV. Just how many judge shows do we need on television? I'd much rather enjoy reruns of classic sitcoms than most of the crap on TV in the daytime.

Today I found myself watching The Secret Lives of Women on WE: Women's Entertainment and the last ep I saw was about teenage brides. Women who got married between 13 and 15 mostly. The one common thread I noticed seemed to be horrible lack of education. I heard people talk about dropping out of "schoo" in 8th grade to get married and how life was important now that they had a "youngun" and something in there somewhere about "winders", but I can't remember the context. I realize we are all often the product of our environments and not everyone has the means or ability to get out of a bad situation and make their lives better. But I couldn't help thinking if some of those girls had had a better education or access to education then this wouldn't have been their fate. I have no problem with marriage or having kids, but I do have a problem with 13-year-olds doing that. The point was driven home in the show by having those individual profiles mixed in with cutaways to a group of young women who were clearly middle or upper middle class and well-educated, who were discussing how they were too busy as teens to get married and maybe "in my 30s".

I'm rambling once again I'm afraid, even when I know my point in my own mind. Mostly my heart broke watching the show for the little girls who never really got to be little girls. One was already divorced at 15 because her husband was abusive and she has a child AND is already in another relationship and wanting to marry this man (not sure what his age, but maybe around 20). All I could think was "she's never getting out of this. Never." And maybe she'll live a happy life in the end - the woman in her late 40s who married at 13 was still with her husband and seemed happy, but... it all still broke my heart.

Education is so, so important. And I'm not saying that everyone has to go to college or graduate school or anything like that. College isn't for everyone, but I believe school sure is until you get out of high school. People have got to get an education and we have to try and instill a love of life-long learning in kids so that when they are out in the world, the want to continue to learn. To read. To question and explore. When I worked in college student affairs, I had a student who was dropping out during his first semester. He told me that he didn't want to be in school, he wanted to work and pay off his truck. That he was only there because his mother wanted him to come there. I told him that all I asked was for him not to give up on ever going back to school and getting an education. Any education, for whatever field he might want to go into one day. I'm not sure if he agreed to that or not, but we'll pretend that he at least appeased me by pretending to agree.

Fast forward about 5 years and I'm making a student ID card for a guy and when I pull up his name, I recognized it (not sure why I didn't rec his face since I am good with faces as well as names, but *shrugs*...) and we ended up having a great chat. He told me the jobs he'd worked in the years since I'd seen him last and how he finally got to a point where he knew he couldn't go any further without finishing his degree. And he told me I'd been right. He remembered our conversation! Sweet! That just made my day for him to have told me that. I don't care about being right, I care about the fact that he realized what he needed to do and took the steps to make it happen.

I wish every kid could have the chance to get a good education. Or any education period. To have the opportunities to succeed and to be supported by people on that journey. I was blessed to have parents who had gone to college and insisted that my brother and I both go. We had no choice in the matter. And while those degrees don't make me any better than anyone else and certainly not any smarter, I am grateful that I had the chance to go to school and learn. I'm not sure I felt quite the same way in my 12th grade trigonometry class back in 1989, but I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had grown up without the advantages of being able to get a good education and have parents and teachers who insisted that I actually try and work hard and learn.

Well, that's certainly boring

2011-04-19T15:49:00.000-04:00

I keep thinking I should update, but there really isn't anything to update about. I'm in a play with the local community theatre and now that rehearsals have started, that sucks up my time in the evenings. And otherwise all I'd do is whine about how all I do is work and sleep. *sigh* You know it's bad when even you are tired of your own complaining. So rather than a retread of me going on about resenting my commute and being frustrated that my house hasn't sold, I just don't update. I will say, however, that the play is going to be fun and rehearsals are also fun. I knew going into it that it would take up my evenings for a month or so, so I've been prepared for that. Just don't ask me how I feel on Friday mornings when I'm really, really tired! ha!

Annnnnd.... now all I've done is complain so no blogging for me until I can stop the whining. Or at least whine about something new. ;o)

Winning! vs. Bummer Dude!

2011-03-31T20:36:00.001-04:00

Welcome to today's edition of Winning! vs. Bummer Dude! where I share what I think is Winning! right now and what is, well, a Bummer Dude!

Winning! - Prince Harry. I'm not a big royal family watcher anymore per se, but the more I hear or read about Prince Harry, the more I like him. Having clear memories of being a little girl and getting up early to watch Charles and Diana's wedding and the whole ugly mess that followed over the years, it's nice to see that both the Heir and the Spare seem to have grown up well and happy. Harry presents himself well and, well, I just like him. But I don't like him like him. LOL

Bummer Dude! - Billy Joel has canceled his memoir. He said in an AP statement that "the best expression of my life and its ups and downs has been and remains my music." But I'm all into musical memoirs lately having read Pat Benetar and Rick Springfield's in the past year, so this would have interested me. Oh, and Rick Springfield? I've got 2 words for you - sex addict. I so did not need to read a lot of what was in that book. Yeesh.

Winning! - I love driving past the local Air Force base when the jets are coming in or taking off. Today one flew low right over my car as it was coming in for a landing. Loved it!

Bummer Dude! - Um... lack of sleep? I dunno. I complain about that all the time so that's nothing new really. But it's so unfair to go to bed early and still sleep like crap and be dragging the next day.

Winning! - Betty White is doing a prank show

Bummer Dude! - Michael Bublé got married today which is a bummer. But it's not like he was going to marry me. But still... *sigh* He's so dreamy. I guess this is a Winning! too since, y'know, the dreamy thing.

Adventures in baking - Italian Cream Cake: Version 1

2011-03-31T17:52:00.000-04:00

One of my co-workers has a neighbor who makes these delicious cakes, one of which she calls an Italian wedding cake. I'm trying to get the recipe from this person, but am not sure if they actually make their cakes to sell, in which case I doubt she'd give me the recipe. But I searched the net and also asked friends and turned up a few recipes, one of which I tried today with I guess a measure of success, but it wasn't what I was trying for. It tastes just fine, but it's not the cake I wanted so I'll have to keep on trying.

My friend Cindy sent me a recipe, but what I actually used was one that is very similar that I found on the Pioneer Woman's web site - Billie's Italian Cream Cake. The recipes are so very similar that I think it would have turned out the same if I'd used Cindy's instead. And again, the cake is good, but it's not what this other woman makes and that's what I want. There is a bakery in town that makes a Nutty Praline Cake and in truth, that is more of what this other one tasted like. I will have to keep checking on recipes for something like that as well.

When I try Cindy's recipe - soon I'm sure! - I will post it and a review of the outcome.

Bryan Adams - When The Night Comes

2011-03-25T13:49:00.000-04:00

Yes, I continue to indulge my BA obsession. At leaset for another week or so. I happened upon this vid on the BA channel on YouTube and it would make a great addition to the Bare Bones shows. He may perform it at some shows I know, but didn't at mine. Seems totally appropriate from seeing this.

Discovering Midnight Blue

2011-03-23T13:28:00.000-04:00

I never cared for the color midnight blue as a child. I always thought it was one of the more useless colors in my Crayola box of 64 and never wanted to use it. It wasn’t blue. It wasn’t black. It wasn’t bright and vivid and bold, as I prefer my colors to be.

I have, however, always (as far as I can remember, anyway) enjoyed gazing up at the night sky. Which is really black, not blue. I get that. Work with me here. I have grand dreams of lying on a blanket in the grass and simply spending a few hours gazing at the moon and stars as they twinkle in the sky. Of course, I also have a great fear of spiders and rather serious aversion to all other creepy crawly things that might take up residence in my backyard, so that’s not likely to happen any time soon sadly.

When I was in Australia 4 years ago one of my favorite things was looking at the sky the week we stayed in Kojonup. Being out in the country it was easier to get away from artificial lights and appreciate more what nature provided. I could see the Southern Cross and Orion (though upside down) and the Milky Way. *dreamy sigh* It was love for sure.

And now I content myself to stop whenever I find myself under the night sky and spend a few moments gazing upwards to the heavens and enjoying the great spectacle that God has created. It’s not my Kojonup sky, but it’ll do in a pinch.

Sometimes that “pinch” happens when I’m driving to work in the mornings. It’s a well-established fact that I have to get up and go entirely too early in the morning. I whine about it incessantly and since I know my character, that is not likely to stop any time soon. I whine. I’m a whiner. I get that. Deal and move on, m’kay? Thanks.

But there are mornings when I’m driving and see the most amazing moon low in the sky. Orange or covered in clouds or just up there glowing. The moon fascinates me. And as much as I loathe being on the road commuting before daylight, it has given me an opportunity to discover midnight blue.

I first noticed a few months ago the change in the sky as sunrise was approaching. Oh, I “noticed” it all along because I would think, “Thank goodness the sun is finally coming up! Daylight! Sunshine! GIMME!!” But I never really noticed it. Never saw it. And then one day I realized that the sky was this amazing shade of blue as daylight approached. No, not the sky blue or baby blue of a coming sunrise that’s all mixed in with pinks and oranges and such. But a blue that I realized must be midnight blue. And it was lovely. I said a quick little prayer and thanked God for showing me midnight blue and every time I see it, I say the same prayer. Just as I give thanks for the beautiful moon that cheers me as I drive (and feel like a freakin’ vampire which, I am sorry to say, I have yet to find the will to say a prayer for thanks for that feeling of living in darkness all the darned time).

I have been praying daily now for about 8 months over a list of 5 things that I gave up to God in order to have Him transform my life. I must admit that while I see slight movements and changes in those areas, I have not experienced the massive change that I had hoped and prayed for. My faith in the changes happening is shaky at best and I’m honest with God about that when I pray. Nothing happens that is not in God’s time. I am well aware of that. I’m also well aware that things are happening in my life in those areas. They might be extremely tiny baby steps, but I can’t say that nothing has happened. It’s just that all the something I have wanted to happen has yet to materialize. And it puts me on a teeter totter of faith that seems to go up and down constantly. And oh how I hate commuting! I pray and pray and ask God for some resolution to my situation. All I really want is to live and work in the same city and I am no longer picky over which city that is. So long as they have indoor plumbing and electricity, I’m open to the possibilities beyond the 2 cities that currently claim my life. And yet the drive continues and the lack of sleep continues, hence the whining continues.

Perhaps in the end, it’s about more than my list of 5 things that I want God to take over in my life. Life is all about the journey after all. So there is really no “perhaps” to my previous statement I know. I’ve learned some things in the past 8 months about myself…and others. I’ve questioned myself and my faith, but never my God. And I have finally discovered midnight blue, which I have the sneaking suspicion at the end of this journey is going to hold a much deeper meaning than just the color of the sky.

Bryan Adams - I Still Miss You...A Little Bit

2011-03-21T13:26:00.000-04:00

This is bascially what it was like at the show the other night. Funny song too!

Bryan Adams for the win!

2011-03-20T20:16:00.001-04:00

I went to my third Bryan Adams show last week, after a 19 year hiatus which was much, much too long. I always talk about Bon Jovi or Michael Buble in terms of music I like, but I have, in fact, been a Bryan Adams fan since before I ever knew Bon Jovi existed. I’m just not, y ‘know, totally rabid and scary about it. :o) I save the rabidity for the Jovi, but I can do overkill with anything I like. Just as anyone who reads my Facebook status updates can attest.

The last time I saw BA live was April 9, 1992 in Charlotte, NC at a show I attended with my college roommate Kelli. So it was more than fitting that I break my Adams fast with Kelli as my “partner in crime”. BA is on his “Bare Bones Tour” that he’s been doing shows for since 2008 I believe. It’s just him and his acoustic guitar and a pianist to accompany some of the songs and let me say, it’s amazing. I think I enjoyed it more than the other times I’ve seen him live (not that I have sharp memories of those shows I’m sorry to say after 20 years or so) because there wasn’t so much “racket”. Concerts are, by their nature, pretty loud events and folks are screaming and singing along. There was certainly that at this show, but there was quiet too. Quiet so you could hear the singer and the songs. And you could hear the patter between singer and audience. He even took the request of “It’s Only Love” at one point and had the requester stand up and tell him her name. I must say, BA does a passable imitation of Tina Turner as well. LOL

Of course, taking one request led to people constantly screaming out songs and finally he looked at some woman down front who called out something and said, “Look. Here’s how it’s going to work… I’ve kind of got this set list in my head that I’m going to follow…” But he was good-natured about it and laughing. As he did when an audience member yelling out for him to play “(I Wanna Be) Your Underwear”.

Magazine cover from 1985 that I found in a scrapbook.

There were no photos allowed at the show which was a bummer since I love to take pics at concerts, but I can respect the rules. Unfortunately, so many people could not. No one was kicked out, but having security going after them constantly was a tad distracting. However, it’s not like Bryan changes his look much – which is more than fine by me. I’ve always thought the man was a hottie and age hasn’t changed my opinion. He looked like, well, Bryan Adams. LOL Jeans, black shirt, black work boots. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

He’s good with the audience patter and rather self-deprecating at times. I know he’s a very private person who doesn’t give out tons of details about himself and I also got the impression that maybe he’s rather shy. You don’t think about public figures are being shy or quiet, but I imagine it’s hard having millions of people think that they know you just because they’ve read about you or seen you on a chat show or listen to your songs.

At one point when it was quiet in the audience before a song a woman yelled out, “Congratulations on the baby!” (He is expecting his first child in May with his assistant.) He waited a beat and looked down at the floor and said quietly, “Thank you.” I had wondered if anyone would be ballsy enough to say something about his impending fatherhood and he didn’t seem upset in that moment just… quiet. Again, everybody all up in your business.

I promised my friend Naomi over at Chasing Inspiration a set list and here it is – or at least what I can remember! – but not in any particular order:

Run to You (show opener)

Here I am

Back to You (my personal favorite)

I’ll Always Be Right There

Somebody

Summer of ‘69

It’s Only Love

Not Romeo, Not Juliet

The Only Thing that Looks Good on Me is You

Let’s Make a Night to Remember

Straight From the Heart

This Time

Heaven

Cuts Like a Knife

Alberta Bound (which he changed, of course, to Carolina Bound)

Can’t Stop This Thing We’ve Started

Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?

Everything I Do (I Do it For You)

Please Forgive Me

I Still Miss You… A Little Bit

That’s not a comprehensive list because I just can’t remember all the songs. There was one I did not recognize but can’t suss it out from looking at song titles on his web site. I recognized all the songs except for that and “Alberta Bound” because I’d been brushing up on my Bryan for the past few weeks since I like to sing along… or at least lip synch to spare everyone from my voice. :o) The songs that got the biggest reactions were predictably "Summer of 69" and "Everything I Do..." which are not bad songs, but I have others I like better. *shrugs* Everybody's different!

Another scrapbook page with an advert for the Waking Up the Neighbors record, early 90s

That was another great aspect to me of the show – the folks in the audience knew those songs. I can’t stand being at a Jovi show and when they do new material (which is frequently defined to some as anything after Slippery When Wet) and folks sit down and almost ignore the band. It’s so silly to me and annoying as well. Why pay that much to go to a show if you don’t know the songs or worse, don’t care about them? Concert tickets are far from cheap, so it seems like a waste to me. I only go to shows when I know I like the band and the songs. But I know not everyone is that way. Fortunately, however, that is how the audience was for Bryan. Such a refreshing change from a Jovi show.

Kelli and I with the tour bus int he background. Only pic we'll get!

I had been making jokes about looking for his tour bus all night and as we drove off, Kelli and I actually saw the bus and a few folks waiting by it. So we decided to do what any intelligent women somewhat out of their teenage years would do – we stopped and joined the people waiting! At first we were only going to wait for about 30 minutes, but then we kept extending it and ended up waiting an hour and a half until the man himself came out to get on this bus. Bless him, pro that he is, they lined us up down the side of the bus and we got to go on and get something signed. No photos allowed, unfortunately, and from talking to a couple of women also waiting who have met him several times before, that’s not unusual. Apparently he doesn’t like having his picture taken, so when the man with him said no photos and the lighting was bad, we weren’t surprised. It would have been nice to have a picture with him, but I take lousy photos myself and if the man doesn’t want his taken, I can respect that. There are tons of pics of him with fans around the net, but again, not a big deal. It has also made me think in the past few days once again about how hard it must be to a celebrity. People want your time, you photo, they want you really and if you gave and gave, what would be left for just…you. So really, can’t blame the man for not wanting possibly unflattering photos out there in the world

Considering the blithering idiot I would surely become if I ever met David Bryan, I have to say I wasn’t having a teenager girlie hissy fit over this. Oh, I was excited, don’t misunderstand, but not flipping out which is totally how I would expect myself to react since it’s my standard MO.

I could not find my ticket so Kelli had given me hers which I felt very bad about later because when she handed him a piece of paper to sign he said, “Where is your ticket?” and we had to explain that she’d given hers to me. And, of course, I found mine about 1 minute after we got into the car. But with signatures in hand we headed on home. I’m not sure I’d call the experience surreal, but it was… odd. I don’t make it a habit of managing to meet or see famous people, so this was pretty cool to me. Having been a fan for nearly 30 years it was so odd to be standing about 2 feet away from the man and having a short conversation. Which mostly consisted of him saying he hoped we had a good time and Kelli telling him how we’d seen him in 1992 together as college roommates. The last thing he said as I exited the bus was, “I hope you enjoyed the show” and I replied with something like, “Yes, it was amazing. Thank you so much.” And looked right into his eyes. That was in lieu of my photo I guess. I just wanted some eye contact!

Everyone got their autograph and went happily on their way. He didn’t have to do that, but he was gracious even though I’m sure he was tired. Not just from the show, but from doing that in general for years everywhere he goes. He won’t remember me and that’s just fine. But I’ll remember that he was nice. Soft-spoken. Still pretty darned dreamy at age 51. I’ll remember all of that and the next time I shell out money for a CD or a concert ticket, it’ll be a little easier to part with my hard-earned money knowing that he’s nice to his fans and a decent guy.

Obsessed with food much?

2011-03-19T16:46:00.000-04:00

I meant to post this blog last weekend and then got busy with other things. I ended up with a sick day last Friday because of the fact that my digestive system generally hates me and any food I try to eat. Although I've kept food journals and have one currently , I seldom can pinpoint what I've eaten that has made me sick (except for red meat, alcohol and some dairy products). Not a clue what kept me home last Friday, but you learn to live with it and make it work. Fortunately, I don't have to take too many days off, although I usually run late about once a week. But that is not the point of this blog post!

As usually happens, I was feeling better by earlier afternoon. And what is better to make you feel even better than baking chocolate chip cookies, right? Right! (Yeah, I realize this is something that makes no sense because if you are sick to your stomach and nauseous the last thing that should make you feel better is food, but my system makes NO sense I assure you.)

I love to bake and I'm good at it (as opposed to cooking in general at which I suck like a Hoover), so I pulled out the ingredients and got started. I'm a "purist" and I go by the Nestle's Toll House recipe. This time, however, I added in about 1/4 cup of additional flour as I was trying to get my cookies to be a tad poofier (for lack of better wording) and it worked. I also tinkered around throwing in some almond extract into some of the dough and peppermint into another. Meh. Not bad and certainly the peppermint thing isn't a new idea, but nothing exciting enough to repeat again.

Since I was home sick, I also dressed like a slob.

Of course, I might have dressed like this even if I weren't sick if I'm just hanging out around the house. I've never grasped that people get dressed and fix their hair and put on makeup to stay home. If no one's going to see me - and possibly even if they are - I prefer to be comfy and jeans and makeup would not be remotely comfy to me. Plus, I like my pig socks. They make me smile.

So there was much baking and also a smigen of eating. I'm sure that's shocking too. Not.

I used some Mexican vanilla that was given to me by my ex-boss. I can't say that that was the secret ingredient, but I can say that these the best chocolate chip cookies I ever recall making. And I've been at this about 25 years or so. Right after my 3rd birthday, of course.

So that's really what I did on my sick day after I was finished sitting around being, well, sick Well, I also did a lot of this...

...which is something I do ~~entirely too much of~~ a lot of anyway and might possibly be a contributing factor to various elements of sickness of my mind. :o)

As the weekend went along, I decided to keep taking pictures of what I was doing and I noticed a theme. Check out these pictures and see if you can follow where I'm going...

Ummm... obsessed with food much? I seem to always take pictures of food for some reason. Fortunately I'm not quite in the same place I was last year when I wrote this blog entry, but... perhaps I need to re-evaluate again, eh? And until then, there will always be cookies and pictures of cookies. That's just how I roll.

Get thee to a nunnery!! Er...I mean, to some therapy!

2011-03-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

Today I’m going to share a little known fact with whomever reads this blog and that is that I have recently decided to go to counseling. Or rather, go back to counseling. When I lived in Atlanta 8 years ago I went for a session because I was frustrated with my then-current job and a few other things and was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I looked that up on the net the next day and yeah, that’s so totally me. This led to 6 months of group therapy and let me tell ya, if you want to feel good about yourself, go to group. My problems are microscopic in comparison to folks in that group with addiction issues. I could tell you some scary stories, but I’ll spare you. Let’s just say Shan-Shan was the one with the least worries in the room. (I think it was a group for anxiety and addiction, mixed together 'cause the only thing I’m addicted to is being a drama queen. And chocolate. Well, cheese too. Anyhoodle…)

So being frustrated over a few things lately and having realized some issues and patterns of behavior I decided to at least use my 4 free sessions that I get through my work insurance to see what I could suss out. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed about this because I think everyone could use some counseling. It’s just that most folks won’t go seek it out or admit that they need help. I, however, am well aware that I need help. Oh so much help. LOL And as much as I love to yammer on, having someone who HAS to listen to me for an hour? Sweet! LOL

I have to say, however, that so far I’m not really connecting. The counselor is great, but I’m not sure what I was expecting this go-round I guess. I know you get out of it what you put into it, so I’m trying to think through some things in between my appointments.

With that in mind, today I started thinking about how at my last appointment we talked about how I express emotions. Or rather, do NOT express them. I told the counselor that I never have felt like it was ok to do that. I’m not sure I elaborated on that in our session, but today I thought about it further. What I discovered is that I have never felt that it was ok with anyone else to express my feelings or emotions to them. And I think I bottle that up and then *KABOOM* sometimes I explode. I do often want to grab someone and go “Why don’t you understand that what I am going through right now is important even if you think it is trivial?!?!”

I realize that we are all selfish beings by nature and that our natural focus is on self rather than others (admit it, you know it’s true, deep down), but it would be nice to feel that I could say 1000 times to someone the same thing and have them engaged each time I say it. That I could tell someone what I am thinking or feeling and have it be ok, even if it was the dumbest thing they’d ever heard. But I don’t feel that. I feel like whatever I am dealing with is not important to anyone else. I think my friends get tired of me talking about the same issues all the time, even though for me, that is therapeutic and I don’t understand why I can’t talk about things. I guess if I have to pay someone to sit and listen and have whatever I am saying be the most important thing they are hearing at that moment, then I am willing to do it.

So I guess if that’s what expressing my emotions is sometimes, then no, I don’t feel like I can do that because I don’t honestly think anyone cares. I think they are tired of listening, so I stop talking. Or don’t even start. Or I write, like I am today. That, at least, gets it all out of my system.

But there is also a disconnect between me and people who are married and/or have kids because I simply cannot relate. I have never in my adult life had the desire to procreate. Just…never. Other kids played “house” with their dolls. I was more upset as a kid that I got a baby doll my mother wanted me to have rather than the Fonzie doll that I wanted. I was all about my Barbies, but not so much the “rock them and hold them and feed them” kind of dolls. I played “secretary” and turned my cedar chest into a desk and wanted to do typing. LOL

The disconnect is there, at least in my mind, because while I can totally appreciate people getting excited over the new things their children are doing or what is happening with their spouses, I’m getting excited to have 4th row tickets to a Michael Buble show or being psyched to see Bryan Adams in concert for the first time in 20 years. I have nieces whom I adore and think are the greatest people in the world, but I’m reasonably confident that while they think I’m a cool aunt, they wouldn’t feel quite the same way if I tried to parent them. I simply cannot relate. I feel like the older I get, the more my “stuff” is trivialized in favor of the so-called ideal of how life should be. And that’s really unfair.

Maybe that’s what it boils down to – fairness or unfairness. Oh, I know life is not fair, but I often want to scream, “Ok, when it is MY turn??!!” because whatever I am dealing with is just as important as the next person. But apparently I am the only one who thinks so. (And at this point I should probably throw in a word to acknowledge that I have no doubt that I have friends and family members who think that I do not show any interest in or concern about the things that they tell me. God knows I'm so far from perfect that I'm at the other end of the alphabet, but sometimes I am remarkably self-aware I assure you.)

I will concede that I have found a somewhat unlikely person who will ask me how certain situations in my life are going and actually listen – really listen – when I talk about what others might think are trivial. And I cannot tell you how nice that is. They don’t necessarily offer advice – and God knows they don’t try to tell me what to do or project their issues on to me, which seems to be a pattern with some folks I know – but they might throw out an opinion or thought now and then. In the end, that might be the only thing that keeps me sane. If I WAS sane to begin with, that is. Cause I have my own special version of crazy. Not Charlie-Sheen-bats***-crazy, but we are all often going off the rails on our own personal crazy train. Some of us are just more willing to admit it than others and to try and get the train back on the tracks.

Love me some Bryan Adams!

2011-03-01T13:38:00.000-05:00

In 17 days I'm going to see Bryan Adams in concert for the first time in nearly 20 years and I must confess to being quite giddy about the whole thing. I've loved him for about 30 years and seen him twice previously live, but this is his Bare Bones tour with just him and his guitar and sometimes a pianist. Should be a great show.

Unfortunately, I can't post the video for my fave BA song here, Back to You. Guess they don't want you to do that over at BryanAdams.com. But no nevermind because this is probaby my 2nd favorite song of his. I'll take what I can get! And yes, expect more Bryan vids in the next couple of weeks. I can't help myself.

When You're Gone - Bryan Adams featuring Melanie C (from the Spice Girls)

What Not to Wear - Oh just wear whatever the heck you want to!

2011-02-27T15:53:00.001-05:00

I finally finished reading Trinny and Susannah's book What You Wear Can Change Your Life this week, after having had it for 4 weeks. I figured it was time to get it back to the library and if I'd had it for 4 weeks and hadn't had the time to really read it all, then I probably wasn't going to have time if I kept it longer. But I did skim it to the end for the parts I did not have more time to delve into. I actually liked this book much more than the one that Clinton and Stacy wrote from the US version of What Not to Wear. It just seemed to have some more things in it that interested me like figuring out what colors best suited you (I'm a jewel-tone girl) and reminding people that good underwear is a key to good fashion. Plus, I think Clinton and Stacy have some pretty nasty taste in clothes if you must know. I'm not a suit wearer or a high heel wearer unless it's for a very specific occasion like a job interview (the only time I ever wear a suit!) or random Sundays at church (about the only time I ever wear a dress or skirt or heels). So I found this other book to have a bit more practical advice for use in the real world.

Overall what I decided through the process of delving into my closet was that people should just wear whatever they want to wear. Does it fit? Is it comfortable? Are you happy in it? Then just freakin' wear it. Now, I do not advocate wearing pajama pants to the mall. Or slippers out in public. Or clothes that are either much too big or much too small for you. I think we have a whole generation of youth in America that think belly shirts are 1) attractive and 2) appropriate to wear if you have a belly. Trust me, it's not a good look. Not even on Tori Spelling back in the 90s and she was about the size of a rake. But after having given entirely too much thought to the clothes that I wear, I'm really sick of it.

As I type this I'm sitting in a pair of navy shorts with white paint on them and a white t-shirt with *pauses to check shirt* blue, lavender, yellow, and green paint on it. But you know what? I'm in my house. I'm alone. No one is going to drop by - because I freakin' hate spontaneous, drop-in company. It's just rude. So why does it matter what I am wearing? It does not. I stand by that statement no matter what anyone else says. I have no makeup on and the only reason my hair is still "done" is because I went to church earlier. I wear very little makeup anyway, but it's always the first thing I take off when I come home. I'm about to put the groceries away and do a little cooking and then I'm going to workout. But if I was just hanging out around my house any old day, this is still how I'd look. I'm comfortable. I'm happy. My clothes are clean. I see no problem with this.

Would I go out in public wearing this? No, I don't imagine I would. Unless there was some catastrophic emergency that required me to immediately leave my house without having time to put on something else. So I am baffled by the people I see around town going to the mall in fuzzy slippers or considering pajama pants a suitable part of their attire. But if they want to look stupid, who am I to argue with them?

So overall the great lesson that I've learned from this is that I don't care what other people wear. Well, ok. There was that woman I saw in December who was wearing a sweater as a dress and really needed to look into pants, but for the most part as long as I'm not having to look at someone's underwear or various parts of their anatomy that really aren't my business, I don't care what they wear. And no one should really care what I wear either.

Except, of course, when it's totally fabulous and I look wonderful in which case you should tell me that. Not that I'm shopping for compliments or anything. ;o)

You better work it girl

2011-02-19T13:55:00.000-05:00

My friend April asked recently about what workouts I do - since I workout at home and have no desire to join classes and/or a gym - so I thought I'd share some of my favorites. For at least 15 years I've been using various videos or DVDs and I cycle through the ones that I like as times and interests change.

I am self-taught at yoga and after about 15 years I am pretty good at it. I've taken a couple of classes int he past 5 years, so I know that my form is good and I'm doing the right things. A bonus is that I've always been very flexible. My balance isn't as good as it once was, but I hope it will improve as I push myself to make it better. But for freakish flexibility, I'm your girl.

I started out doing Kathy Smith's New Yoga and I have the whole set of her yoga DVDs, but don't use them as much anymore. I use them when I want "yoga lite". Several years ago I read an article where soap actress Lesli Kay was talking about Bryan Kest and his "power yoga" so I invested in the series of 3 video tapes. And I hated them. Just pure, unadulterated hatred. Until the past year. Now they are my favorites, even though they hurt. LOL The important thing is that they challenge me. And that's what I need! Kest himself creeps me out a little bit, but the workouts are good.

I recently made a crack - ok, I keep making it, I never can let a joke die it seems - that I think Zumba is a cult and I meant it at least 25% seriously because people who like Zumba seem to really, REALLY like it. I don't get it (and admittedly have never tried it) because, again, I don't have an interest in joining a group class. And for all my flexibility, I am not remotely coordinated. So no Zumba for me, but I do enjoy 80s aerobics. A recently discovered a new favorite - Shed the Pounds by Kathy Smith. Kathy is a theme throughout my workout life, even though she kind of gets on my nerves. That too seems to be at theme - fitness instructors that I find amazingly annoying. Huh. Go figure. Buuuutttt... anyway... I was at the library a couple of months ago checking out what fitness DVDs they had and brought this one home. I liked it so much that I bought a copy off of Amazon.com for 6 bucks. Can't beat that! I like 2 of the workouts more than the 3rd, but they are all good. The 3 workouts on the DVD are from 1987, 1991 and 1993 respectively. This is the workout I used this morning and thoroughly enjoyed it. It might be dated - especially the pastel leotards! hahahahaha - but the moves really aren't different from what you see happening in newer classes or DVDs. A lot of it is cheezy, but it works for me and I enjoy doing it. Bonus!

Another aerobic favorite is Gilad. I recorded some of his shows off of Fit TV before I downgraded my cable last year and I use that video (yes, I still own and daily use a VCR; 3 of them in fact) all the time. Those are great workouts because they are about 22 minutes total (minus the commercials) and they are great when I don't have a lot of time. His Bodies in Motion show covers everything from a warm up, to aerobics, to toning and always has an abs section. Plus, he's dorky and amuses me. So it's all good!

The last workout I'll mention is one I grabbed maybe 6 months ago when checking out stuff in Walmart. It's Valerie Bertinelli and her trainer and it's a lower body workout. It actually has 2 workouts on on the DVD which is awesome because one is only 20 minutes and then other is about 50 minutes, so you have options if time is tight. The longer workout throws in some cardio too, so you have that for variety.

I have entirely too many other workout DVDs, but this is what I use most often. I have some for Pilates, but I don't like them that much and only drag them out if I my lower back is tight and want to do something that is stretchy. And then I still differ to yoga first. The way I see it, it doesn't matter what workout you choose, so long as you are moving and getting some kind of exercise. As it is, I'm contemplating a walk later this afternoon because the weather is so nice and I hate to waste the whole day inside, even though I got my 50 minutes in earlier.

Now Read This: "You Couldn't Ignore Me if You Tried: The Brat Pack, John Hughes, and Their Impact on a Generation"

2011-02-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

Like any self-respecting child of the 80s, I have a great and lasting affection for John Hughes and the movies that made him mega-famous for bringing the teenage experience to the big screen. When I first heard about this book nearly a year ago, I knew I had to have it and immediately hopped on Amazon.com and ordered it. And then I finally finished reading it tonight. Nearly a year later.

For someone soooo excited about this book, it took me forever to read it and I'm still not sure why. The book was very interesting and engaging, but I could only manage about a chapter a month. Maybe it was because I really wanted to concentrate on each chapter. Or maybe it's because I'm a slacker and slow reader. LOL Either way, I'm glad I finally finished.

Me, circa...maybe 1987?

While some chapters do touch on John Hughes himself and his movies after the "Brat Pack" years, it's those teen films that I was most interested in reading about. Each film has a chapter of its own. My personal favorite is Some Kind of Wonderful, in no small part I am sure to the fact that when it was released during my sophomore year of high school, many people at my school thought that I looked like Mary Stuart Masteron's character "Watts". I still say it was mostly about the short, blond hair, but hey, it was a compliment, so I'll take it!

My doppleganger?

What I want to do now is go back and watch each of the movies and then re-read the chapter about it to see what new information and insight I can pick up. A tidbit that I found interesting while reading the chapter on Say Anything involves actor Eric Stoltz. He was/is apparently friends with writer/director Cameron Crowe and wanted to work on this film in some way and offered to be a production assistant. So even after having starred in films, he was happily running around fetching coffee and such for the folks on set. The reason that stood out to me is that now Eric Stoltz seems to be directing more than acting. He's done guest spots on Grey's Anatomy, but I see his name pop up as a director there more frequently, as well as on the other Shonda Rhimes shows Private Practice and Off the Map. It just shows the connection and development of his career path. Or maybe I just like to read into the minutia of things!

I definitely recommend this book to any child of the 80s or any fan of the teen movie genre that hit its stride back in the 80s. It was fun to read the thoughts of various actors who were in the films and to learn about the genesis of the "Brat Pack" nickname. I remember it being used back in the day, but I never knew just how it came about (read the book and find out for yourself!!). Now I just hope it doesn't take me another year to watch the movies and do a re-read.

What Not to Wear - A Few of my Favorite Things

2011-02-13T18:51:00.001-05:00

Since I'm still pondering different things to post in this series, I thought I'd start off with some of my favorite things. Mostly blouses and sweaters. I tried to take some pictures of myself wearing the clothes, but that didn't work so well and to be honest, I don't feel like dragging a friend over to take my picture while I play dress-up. So we'll just work with what we've got.

And since I am supposed to be going down through the various tips from my friend Kyrah, I will connect this post to Tip #3:

3) Go through your closet and drawers. Be ruthless. Anything that doesn't work for your body type, even if you love it, goes. That is hard, I know - but the goal is not to have something that looks good, the goal is for YOU to look your best in it. Anything outdated, too tight, stretched out, stained, or ragged goes. Any trousers or jeans that are too short, i.e. don't reach to 1/2" off the ground and can't have the hem let out, must go. (that last might sound harsh, but it will absolutely ruin a look and undo all your hard work with one glance.) Anything that needs tailoring (buttons, hems, whatever) goes in a separate pile outside of your closet. You are not allowed to wear it till it's fixed, LOL.

If you want to save a section of closet/drawer space for gardening/painting/cleaning/etc, that's fine - but keep it separate and vow to never wear them beyond your own driveway, not even to run to the grocery store. I'm serious. Cause if you do it once, you'll do it again... and again... and then they are back in general circulation. If you absolutely can't bear to get rid of something, put it in a *different* closet and promise yourself not to wear it till 2012 - we'll see how you feel about it after a year of dressing your best ;-)

Ok. I did go through my closets while I was taking pictures of things and I pulled out about 3 things (so far) that I am going to get rid of. One is a sweater that I used to love, but now makes me look like a navy blue version of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Since I've had the sweater for nearly 20 years, I think it's more than ok to let that one go. Another is a cream colored blouse that I have not worn in years. Nothing wrong with it, just don't wear it. And lastly is a tailored button-down shirt in various shades of grey and pink. Nothing wrong with that either, but I'm not sure in all the years I've had and worn it that I ever thought it looked good on me. So when I wore it last week I decided that it, too, has to go. If I don't think it looks flattering and I don't feel good in it, why keep it? Which is, I think, Kyrah's point!

I also have a drawer for old shorts, sweats and t-shirts that I wear around the house. I'm talking old, some of them covered in paint - although I did have rooms in green, yellow, blue and purple in my house at one point so some of the white t-shirts are kinda pretty with all those paint smears! ha! - and stuff I only wear around the house. Or wear to mow the lawn which is an exercise in filth as I am always covered in dirt when I finish that particular chore.

And now, on to my favorite items, under the nice little cut...

I hate that this doesn't look good on the hanger, but it does look good on me. I get complimented on it every time I wear it, so I figure that says something. But I concede that it is a bit too big for me. I tend to buy clothes that are the biggest size I can find and am now deciding that it's time to stop that and buy things that are not too big and not too tight, but just right.


Another one that looks better on me than on the hanger. It also gets compliments like the purple one.

A little animal print goes a long way. I usually wear this with charcoal grey pants and my fave pink shoes. Everyone seems to love the pink shoes. They are, apparently, quite sassy.

I probably like this one so much because of the sleeves. I like the flowy sleeves.

This is a pretty sheer blouse, so it requires a black cami under it.

Another one that I enjoy because it's flowy.

The dress I got for my 20th high school reunion. I have lost about 15 pounds since then so I really need to try this on again and see how it looks. It looked ok when I wore it, but with some pounds gone I predict it will look much better. There is a slight crinoline under it which I liked because it helped hide my hips. I mean, you can't hide them really, but I thought I looked pretty good. Or at least decent.


Uh... black skirt with pink swirly circles. Nothing much to say except that I like it. Wore it today as a matter of fact.

Aaaaand... that appears to be the only things I put on this post earlier when I moved some pictures over here. I generally like all of my clothes, but these are some of my favorites. You can check out this post from April 2010 for some of my OTHER favorite things.

Mid-ish February Madness... sort of

2011-02-09T17:48:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that's a lame title for a blog entry, but I'm feeling rather lame today I guess, so that's what I've got.

I was heading to work this AM and the check engine light came on on the dash, so I turned around and headed back to my dealership. They cleaned the fuel injectors - I'm reasonably sure that's what they told me - and it's ok now. However, this same thing happened in December, but the bulletin they have on the problem requires them to clean them first before replacing them. Hence, my great level of confidence that I'll be back in a month or so and they will have to replace things. At least I may not freak out when the light comes on in the future since I'll basically know what's going on.

For the past 4 weeks or so my weight loss has been pretty steady at about 2 pounds per week, but I'm not expecting much from this week. Not because I've necessarily been eating worse or more, but because I won't have had as much time for workouts this week. But it's all about baby steps and if I can keep up the slow and steady then that's good by me.

I haven't forgotten about my "What Not to Wear" posts, but haven't had as much time in the past week as I would have liked to post. I did finally get a full length mirror so I can check out my outfits before I go out and it is making a small difference. I have weeded out a few items from my wardrobe or make changes before leaving home. It's never a good thing when you go "Ew! Why would I ever wear that!" I still don't have picture of me wearing any outfits because I attempted that and it just did not work, even with the new mirror, but I have pictures of most of my clothes, so I'll have to post that I guess.

This is always a strange time of year for me because in the past, interesting (to me, anyway) things have happened to me around this time in February.

In mid-Februarys past, I have:

Moved to Dubai
Seen my first Bon Jovi show after a 14 year hiatus (how did I survive that?!?!)
Fulfilled a life-long dream of traveling to Australia (check out the blog of our travels!)
Went to a different Bon Jovi show where David Bryan saw my sign, smiled and said, "Thank you!" and the rest of the crowd around me suddenly developed a new respect for the crazy woman with the sign, LOL
Was offered and accepted a job that took me back to my hometown (which I am now trying to get out of again, but anyway...)

I'm sure there are a few other things, but those come instantly to mind. But so far in 2011, February has been pretty lackluster. I guess we'll see if anything exciting happens in the next week, but I'm not holding my breath or anything.

So that's about all I've got for an update right now. I'll get to work on another WNTW blog soon. I did re-read the Clinton/Stacy book and tips but honestly not a thing stood out to me. I was unimpressed overall.

What Not to Wear - Breakin' it down, Part 1

2011-02-01T13:11:00.000-05:00

I decided I would take Kyrah's tips and go one-by-one to see how I could apply them to myself and my closet. So let's start at the very beginning. After all, it's a very good place to start!

1) Get the book (used or at the library) Dress Your Best by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly. Read it cover to cover because every chapter has a couple of "universal tips" that will be useful to you, including the men's section. Better if you can buy it used so you can highlight, mark it up, make notes on the inside cover, and make it your reference book.

SCORE! This book was actually available at my local library. With my town, you never know. While there on Saturday I also found What You Wear Can Change Your Life by Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine who were the hosts of the BBC America show "What Not to Wear". Which, I assume, was the model for the American version (since the Brits often have the best show ideas and we Yanks steal 'em from them.)

Now, as soon as I started perusing the list of "Essentials for Every Woman" and I was already disagreeing with them. Why do I need a black pantsuit? Or any pantsuit? I don't wear suits. My work doesn't require me to. I have a couple of navy suits that I only trot out for job interviews, but cannot honestly think of any other reason whatsoever that I would need a suit.

Next they talk about the 3 skirts women need for winter and for summer. In each grouping is a tweed skirt. Again I ask, why do I need that? I have no interest in tweed. And I seldom wear skirts. I have some black skirts and some skirts that are black with fun prints or designs on them that I wear sometimes in winter. A few dresses and skirts that I trot out in summer. I’m pretty well set on the skirts or dresses for how seldom I wear them. So…um… no. Not gonna happen.

I can agree with the leather jacket, denim jacket and trench coat. Although I have 3 denim jackets that I am sure are totally dated and one I have never worn because it was a hand-me-down from someone else. And now that I think about it the other one is one that I found in college and appropriated about 20 years ago. And I seldom wear it.

The 3 pairs of jeans. Sure. I have 3 pair, but only 1 fits at the moment. Actually I have more than 3 pair, but still only 1 pair fits. I only wear them on weekends anyway so not a big deal to me.

The black dress. Sure. I don’t have one except what I wore for my 20th high school reunion, but I can see the value. If I wore many dresses. Ever. For any reason. Even the solid-color dress I can understand. I guess. I have a couple of those, but they are uber-casual t-shirt dresses that should likely be retired, but probably will not be since I wear them in the summer to church.

But they lose me again with the blazers. I don't wear those either. I have a navy one that was part of the uniform I wore when I went on my Rotary exchange program to Australia 4 years ago, but I don't wear it for anything now. And I kind of veto the brown heels. I'm not much of a brown wearer. Or a heels. Or boots.

Sooooo... yeah, I'm not agreeing with a lot of this. Can you sense the trend that I see coming on??

2) Determine your body type (get help if you need an impartial, honest assessment) Remember that there are several additional factors they’re unable to cover, such as facial shape, non-average shoulder or hip width, the size of your thighs and calves relative to your hips, and the ratio of torso length to leg length. Don’t let this stop you from moving forward, just remember that because you are unique, your “rules” may have a few extra tweaks.

I'm pear shaped, of this I am sure. But alas, the book does not give me that option. I've always had wide hips, even when I weighed about 70 or 80 pounds less than I do now. I have a good shaped face for my short hair. Big thighs, which make buying pants a challenge. If they fit at the waist, they won't go over the hips and if they fit the hips and thighs well, they are much too big in the waist.

After reading the book I’m still a tad confused on which shape I am. I would have said “curvy”, but I don’t truly fit their definition of that. I’m “bigger on the bottom”, BUT I also have some “extra weight around the middle”. However, I do not look like the pictures of that particular body type that they have in the book. I have some belly pooch, but I’m not this thick, apple shape around my middle. I still feel more curvy with a big behind. :o) Therefore, I am declaring myself still a pear shape and will be reviewing the tips that they give for those who are bigger on the bottom, have a few extra pounds around the middle and who are curvy. It’ll be a schizophrenic sort of situation, but hey, more fun, right? *listens to the sound of crickets* Uh…right?

I have to go back and do a re-read of these sections and the tips they give for dressing because I will freely admit that when I first read through it all, I found it all pretty easily dismissed. No real new information was given to me. I am not always the best dresser, but then again, that is often more of a matter of someone’s opinion of what is good or bad fashion. I believe a lot of it is what makes you FEEL good when you are wearing it and for me a lot of times, that’s shorts and a t-shirt and flip flops or maybe sweats when I’m at home or yoga pants and a t-shirt running errands. Or maybe it’s finding a dress like the one I got for my class reunion that I absolutely loved and adored.

But in fairness I want to go back and re-read all their tips and see what I find beneficial. Some stuff like how everyone should have a pair of metallic ballet flats is just silly to me. I mean, have them if you want and like them, but you don’t HAVE to have them. I like wearing black and I get complimented when I do, so I wear black whenever possible. However, some folks might hate black and shouldn’t wear it. Those are the rules that make sense to me, but I’ll get back with you when I’ve had a chance to review the information again.

Tattoo you... or rather, me

2011-01-31T19:31:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking for the past week or so that I neglected to share my news here on my blog! I got... a new tattoo! Yes, yes, I can tell you are all soooo super excited, right? LOL Well, this post is mostly for those not on Facebook (well, it's really for some friends who read another blog I have and when I link this post over to them, then they can see the new tattoo... confused yet? Yeah, me too...) because the good Lord knows I was micro-blogging about the whole thing on FB when I got it done a week ago Saturday. Complete with pictures of the tatt in progress! And a friend asking me if my arm/shoulder was my boob. Sheesh. Although, for informational purposes, I did learn that they call those "tit tatts". I swear I laughed myself silly over that one. I'm so easy. But I'm not cheap, no matter what rumors you've heard!

This was tattoo #4 and I already have an idea of what #5 will be. I never would have thought of myself as a multi-tattoo person, but it appears that I am. And I never would have thought I'd get a tattoo on my arm, but it appears that I did. That's just how I roll. And how my mother, God rest her soul, rolls repeatedly in her grave every time they ink me up.

Fortunately, I had a partner in crime in my friend Susan, who was also getting her fourth tattoo. I think it was her fourth. Might have been fifth cause she's a wild woman like that. We set off on Saturday afternoon too check out a local tattoo shop that had been recommended to me by the owner's mother. We liked what we saw, they gave Susan a good price on the tattoo design she came in with - yours truly just picked somewhat at random cause I'm crazy like that - and we were off and running. And afraid we'd be screaming because as I recall, my 3rd tattoo hurt like Hades. I was expecting a lot of pain this time around and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't that painful. Plus, being on my arm, I could watch the process which was cool too.

So here you have a little tattoo pictorial, save for the one on my ankle of a pig because it seems that I do not have a photo of that tattoo. We'll save that excitement for another day.

Tattoo #1, chosen at random in a tattoo parlor in NC. I went in with a vague idea of what I wanted and found this dragonfly instead. This is on my right shoulder.

Tattoo #3, on my lower, left hip. This was taken about a day after I got it and it's faded a bit since then. Hurt like Hades too when they were doing it, so I'm not sure I am brave enough to ever get it touched up! I might cry like a girl. Which is ok I guess since I am a girl.


And my new baby. Which is, oddly, basically what I thought I would get back when I got my first one. Not this exactly, but I had thought about a crescent moon and a star. And no, it's not the Turkish flag, as I have been asked. But it is similar. Not my intent though.

Well there you have it. A little tattoo tour if you will. As I said earlier, I have an idea of what I want for #5, but I'm not sure of location. I don't think I want to have tattoos on both of my arms and the ankle hurt like the dickens, so anything on bone is out. Plus I don't think I want to have both shoulders tattooed, but we'll play it by ear. I think it'll be a while before I get another one. If I don't wait a while I'll end up covered in the things because they really are addictive.

A Walk Down Memory Lane - What Not to Wear blog series

2011-01-29T15:42:00.004-05:00

I just got my hands on the book Dress Your Best by Clinton Kelly and Stacy London, so until I have the time to start reading it and give my thoughts, I decided to post some old photos of myself. I won't call them "good", "bad" or "ugly", but will simply say that they were indicative of the time or the situation. You can judge the rest (mostly) for yourselves.


Age 5, presumably dressed for some kindergarten Christmas performance. I vaguely remember this. My mother was always using the curling iron to curl my hair.

Same Christmas when I was 5. I remember loving this skirt. Since it was 1976, it was pretty fashion appropriate I'd say.

Singing and "playing" the guitar while my father sings and plays piano. I wore a lot of hand-me-downs and yard sale clothes (nothing wrong with either mind you) back in my childhood, so I'd bet those are boys clothes I've got on.

Oh my goodness! That hair!! Those pants!! I'm so glad the days of home perms are long over for me.

Spring 1987 which would be 10th grade. I loved those overall, capri-length pants. They were actually pretty cute.

Selling Christmas trees for my church youth group. Check out those silver L. A. Gear tennis shoes!! I still have these jeans - at some point I and my friends wrote on them with a black Sharpie (how my mother let me do that I will never know) and they are a piece of nostalgia that I could not fit my calf into, let along a whole leg, no matter how hard I might try.

Doesn't everyone talk to plants in airports? That's what I'm doing on a class trip to NYC to see...Cats, of course... Read the button! Sheesh! Anyway, I remember whoever it was I was with that day saying, "You haven't done anything silly all day. You need to do something silly!" So I talked to a plant. I loved that sweater and wore it from 1985 well into the early 90s. I still have that heavy silver necklace too, though I don't wear it.

This is probably summer 1987 or 1988 I'd say. I just like how thin my thighs were - and I thought I was fat back then!! Oh the stupidity of youth. Those are hot pink fishnet type socks on my feet that I bought some time around 1984 or 1983.

In German in summer 1989. Another disturbing perm, but all in all, not the worst outfit. Well, ok the pleats in the pants flatter no one, but it was the 80s! Gimme a break! And I never, ever wear colors like mustard yellow anymore. Or ANY yellow. I like bright, jewel-tones.

More overall/suspender pants. This is summer 1990. Brown helmet hair, but otherwise not really a bad outfit for the times.

I think that's enough for now. I will have to look for recent fashion disasters from post-college to post next. I don't like to have my picture taken, so I basically avoid it like the plague, but I'll see what I can find.

"I don't have issues...I have a full subscription." ~ Jack the Plumber

2011-01-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

A wise plumber I once knew (ok, I don't know him, but I was hovering while he was working on my leaking shower faucet) said, "I don't have issues...I have a full subscription." Oh, so true, so true of us all.

The pastor at my church said something recently in our weekly newsletter that really spoke to me. So much so that I wrote it down and carried it around with me for a while so I could refer to it and now it’s posted over my computer at work and I read it several times a day.

“The human heart is able to twist and turn logic and agreements, to find loopholes and justifications. We can listen, agree, and then convince ourselves we are exceptions to the rules. That’s why Jesus told us our hearts are corrupt and more deceitful than anything else.” ~ Clay Smith

I think it spoke to me because I’ve been fighting with some issues, some temptations, for a while now.

Temptation

1. the act of tempting; enticement or allurement

2. something that tempts, entices, or allures

3. the fact or state of being tempted, esp. to evil.

It’s come down to two major things that plague me pretty much daily and sometimes it can be amazingly frustrating. Especially when those temptations drive me to distraction. Or rather, to seek out distractions, which then snowballs into me not paying attention to what I’m doing whether I am at the office or working on a project around the house or whatever.

I was pondering those two particular pains in my ass today and started wondering which one of them makes me feel worse for doing it? I’ve been thinking about that off and on for hours now and still haven’t come up with a clear cut answer. It may depend on the day or the hour. Or the consequences. Ok. That’s a lie. Of the two specific things of which I speak (indirectly I suppose since I’m not willing to identify them publicly), there is one that makes me feel worse than the other for giving in to it.

Then I began wondering, which temptation makes me feel better for conquering it? Oddly enough, it’s a total flip flop between the two major warring factions. The thing I feel least amount of guilt about doing is the thing that I feel the greatest satisfaction from managing not to do. Yeah, I know. I don’t understand that last sentence either and I wrote it. And read it over five times.

Suffice it to say that I gave in to one temptation today and once the deed was done, I realized I felt no joy in it. No passion. No thrill. Merely dull resignation. Or perhaps it’s finally an enlightening moment realizing that often the things we think we want or need are, in fact, the last thing that will bring us pleasure.

I was listening to a book on CD this morning as I drove to work and a quote stuck out (I am paraphrasing) – Be the master of your pleasures as well as your restraint. That really spoke to me. While the quote was about food and making right choices, it resonates beyond that I think. Be the master of your pleasures as well as your restraint. That’s big.

Guilty pleasure – (per Wikipedia) –

A guilty pleasure is something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it.

Perhaps I should redefine some of my temptations as more guilty pleasures if I find enjoyment in them, in spite of the guilt. But can I master both my pleasure and my restraint? Ah, there’s the rub.

What Not to Wear - Shoes, shoes and more shoes

2011-01-24T21:37:00.001-05:00

I'm still working on some photos of my clothes so I don't want to start blogging about those until I have as many photos as I'd like. Hence, I'll start with my shoes. Even though that is totally going out of order from the tips Kyrah gave me. But hey, that's how I roll!

From Kyrah: 7) Shoes are last. I know this sounds like I have lost my mind, but shoes do not determine the wardrobe; they are an accessory, like bags, scarves & jewelry.

I'm not sure how many pairs of shoes I own and I refuse to count. I buy them and wear them until they are unwearable. I know I had a pair that lasted me from 8th grade through till the end of college, so I go for durability and for the most part, a neutral style so they can last a long time. Of course, this is what I tell myself and I might be wrong about all of that! It's what I think, but it might not be the real case.

I love my Crocs. I know people loathe them and think they are vile and beyond ugly, but I do not care. They are comfy and considering I might wear them 2 times a year, I don't see what all the hullabaloo is about.

These are a recent purchase for 10 bucks at TJ Maxx. I couldn't resist. I have worn them a few times to work with khakis and a sweater. No one seems to care over much about what you wear to my office, which is odd since it IS an office. The doctors always wear shirts and ties or skirts/nice slacks when they are in patient care, but the rest of us can do just about anything except jeans. Well, those of us who do not work int he patient area. Anyway...

I've had this pair probably for close to 20 years. Wow. That long? Really? But I think so. I don't wear them often, but they are my "happy shoes". For obvious reasons I'd say.

These sandals get worn a lot in the summer. I need another black pair and a white pair or maybe brown for the summer so I don't wear these as much. But they are comfy and work with whatever I throw on.

Black dressy sandals.

Various and sundry flip flops. Worn to work sometimes with capris or worn on weekends with shorts and t-shirts in the summer for running errands.

Various black shoes. Worn to work for the most part. Those are the only high heels I own now. Well, I do have a couple of other pairs of black heels, but they aren't really comfy and I need to get rid of them.

Other dress shoes. The pink ones are actually a size too small, but fit because they are mules. Trouble is, the inner soles are a mess and need to be repaired and I can't find any neutral polish to clean them up. They are likely to be gone soon, but I hate to let them go because I love them so much! They work great with grey pants and all the pink shirts and blouses that I own.

I think I actually have more shoes than I have taken pictures of, but that's because I forgot I had a pair on when I was taking pictures (yes, I forgot about the shoes on my feet at the time...I'm quirky like that) . And I have athletic shoes. Those leopard print slippers. Um...there might be others, but I don't think so. I'll check and get back to you. Eventually. Maybe...

What Not to Wear blog series - Tips from Kyrah

2011-01-22T16:24:00.001-05:00

This is what my friend Kyrah Malan posted on her Facebook account after she e-mailed it to me for some tips about my clothes and closet. This is the document I'm going to use while weeding through my outfits and culling the crap. While I have driven her virtually in-sane in the past 3 days basically complaining and disagreeing with a lot of what she said, this is really great advice. And I don't necessarily disagree with it, so much as I like to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and don't necessarily want to have to follow rules. Basically, I'm a brat. :o)

Read on to see Kyrah's tips.

I just wrote a long email to a GF of mine, and realized I'd written a variation of this several times. So in case you are interested, here is what I do and say during a wardrobe makeover ;-))).

"Want to come and work on MY closet?? Well, let’s wait and see if I can drop the weight in our weight loss challenge at work. I see no point in investing in new clothes if I am still the same size with perfectly good clothes to wear already. Plus, I can’t buy anything new right now anyway. But some day I will need closet and clothes advice for sure! I hit it some days and others are VERY questionable! LOL"

Oh ho ho ho ho! I would love to come work on your closet with you/for you! But... you are so far away! I am never down in your area! However, if you are serious - and I highly recommend this for everyone** - you could at least start on it yourself.

**Even my husband J, who had no interest in clothes or learning about style, has become a serious student. He has discovered that by learning the rules for how to dress his body type to his best advantage, he's developed his own style and now has a reputation for being, and I quote several of our acquaintances, "the best-dressed man in C------", even for casual occasions. His self-confidence increased dramatically, he's more relaxed and overall his self esteem is improved because of it. He's not trendy, he buys well-made classic pieces; he doesn't have a huge selection in his closet, but he knows how to put things together to create quite a lot of different looks. And this is a 40-something guy who spent his weekends in running shoes, baggy jeans or ragged khakis, and ancient logo T-shirts!

Ahem. How many times have I heard "I want to wait till I can lose weight"? And while you may not have money to buy new clothes now, or not need new clothes, you can follow the rules and dress your best with what you have right now. But waiting to lose 10#? No. No, no, no. Investing in a few good pieces, so that you look fabulous TODAY, will do more for your self-confidence and your motivation than waiting. Dressing your best NOW will actually help you to reach your goals much faster.

Take it from someone who specialized in hypnosis and counseling for weight loss - how you feel about your appearance now has an enormous influence on both your conscious and subconscious. In the first session of my weight lost hypnosis program, you visualize yourself in a department store mirror looking slim, trim and attractive. This image is locked into your subconscious, and we continually reinforce it. Which is going to encourage and motivate you: spending the following weeks in baggy, oversized, unflattering clothes, or looking better than ever on a daily basis?

1) Get the book (used or at the library) Dress Your Best by Stacy London and Clinton Kelly. Read it cover to cover because every chapter has a couple of "universal tips" that will be useful to you, including the men's section. Better if you can buy it used so you can highlight, mark it up, make notes on the inside cover, and make it your reference book.

2) Determine your body type (get help if you need an impartial, honest assessment) Remember that there are several additional factors they’re unable to cover, such as facial shape, non-average shoulder or hip width, the size of your thighs and calves relative to your hips, and the ratio of torso length to leg length. Don’t let this stop you from moving forward, just remember that because you are unique, your “rules” may have a few extra tweaks.

3) Go through your closet and drawers. Be ruthless. Anything that doesn't work for your body type, even if you love it, goes. That is hard, I know - but the goal is not to have something that looks good, the goal is for YOU to look your best in it. Anything outdated, too tight, stretched out, stained, or ragged goes. Any trousers or jeans that are too short, i.e. don't reach to 1/2" off the ground and can't have the hem let out, must go. (that last might sound harsh, but it will absolutely ruin a look and undo all your hard work with one glance.) Anything that needs tailoring (buttons, hems, whatever) goes in a separate pile outside of your closet. You are not allowed to wear it till it's fixed, LOL.

4) Organize your closet by color, then length, keeping strictly work separate from strictly casual (one on the left, one on the right). Ones that can transition go with work:

a) Trousers, then khakis, then jeans. Walking shorts by color here.

b) Blouses and shirts, by color & length, i.e. all whites with long sleeves on the left, then 3/4 sleeve, then short sleeve, then sleeveless

c) Camisoles and tanks that must be worn with a top

d) Skirts

e) Finishing jackets

f) Dresses for work, then those that transition from work to evening, evening, then sundresses

g) sweaters folded on shelves or in drawers, or folded on hangers, also by color and sleeve length

h) scarves on a tie rack or other hanging system to keep them organized

Keeping your closet organized like this will make it much easier to see what you have available/clean at any given time and pull outfits together in a snap.

5) Using your list from the book of "necessary items" - and I don't think you need to follow it to the letter - make a list of what you need. You don't have to buy them all at once, but now you can shop with purpose. You may discover that you have all the basics, but are lacking certain colors. Someone I know had all the basics but no color; her shopping list was colorful scarves, a couple of finishing jackets, including a "statement" jacket, and good jeans. Voila'!

6) Start with your trousers. Take the first pair (probably black/work), lay them on the bed with your first blouse/shirt. Then one by one, pair it with a cardigan or finishing jacket. Try it on, and if

a) it follows your rules and

b) makes you look better with your clothes on than nekkid,

take a picture of it. Not on you, laid out on the bed in an ensemble. Go through each blouse/jacket combination like this, taking pictures so you see just how many combinations you have for this pair of trousers. Go through your entire selection of trousers, walking shorts, jeans and skirts like this. Be sure to try all your scarves and necklaces with your tops & jackets as well, to help you discover new combinations.

Yes, this will take time. Do you want to take the time to do it now, or stand in front of your clothes before work or before you're meeting your girlfriends feeling frustrated and stymied, wailing, "I have nothing to wear!" for the bazillionth time???

You will have a photo album to refer to until you have them pretty much memorized, and adding a new item to your wardrobe will want the same treatment. I guarantee you will be shocked at how many great combinations you discover!

7) Shoes are last. I know this sounds like I have lost my mind, but shoes do not determine the wardrobe; they are an accessory, like bags, scarves & jewelry.

Sound daunting? If you read the book through the evenings during the week, and allow one weekend for your wardrobe overhaul, you will have the organization and knowledge to take you through the rest of your life. Worth it, yes?

I hope this is helpful - and even if you decide not to do it now, you will be ready for when you do.

What Not to Wear - a blog series

2011-01-21T20:00:00.003-05:00

No, no, no. Nobody panic. This is not a post about me trying to give anyone fashion advice. Thank goodness. It would be a kindness to call me 'fashion challenged', although I do have my moments and can clean up pretty well. Either that or people are lying to me when they say I look good. :o)

No friends, these tips I'm about to share come from my lovely friend Kyrah, who is always well put together. She was talking about doing some WNTW closet makers for her daughter and for a friend and I commented that I wish she could do mine. Since we live too far apart, she was kind enough to send along some tips to me. Which I have no doubt I was not sufficiently grateful for as I basically pulled and pushed against the whole notion of some of what she is recommending. Thankfully, Kyrah is gracious even when I'm bratty. Gotta love a friend like that!

This morning I got to thinking about her tips and how I planned to print the info out and stand in front of my closet and see what I could work on. That led to a brainstorm (or brain fart, depending on how you look at it) to post this information and then start a series on my blog. I'll go through each thought and tip and break it down with photos from my closet (the good, the bad and the downright ugly!) and see how it all turns out. I can promise that great wonders await you like Tinkerbell purses! Purple Crocs! T-shirts with silly sayings! Basically, stuff that an adult shouldn't wear and yet I do. Oh, and I'll make sure to include the nice stuff I own, though I know many who have never seen me in it do question the existence of nice things in my closet. ;o)

Whoops! Ok. Just heard from Kyrah and she would like to tweak this information a tad before I put it out for the masses (or the 5 who read this), so I'll remove that information and put it back up when she has it how she wants it. Until then, however, I'll be going through my closet and seeing how I can work the points she told me about.

Perception versus reality and all that crap

2011-01-20T18:28:00.002-05:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about perception versus reality and how it relates to the impressions we give other people or that they choose to lay upon us. I’m always amused when people I know start to describe me and how they think I do or will behave in certain situations. I realize that perception is reality for most people and that you can only work with what you are given to go on, but it’s still really funny to me.

I grew up being a very quiet, shy child. I had friends, but there were only 4 other kids in my neighborhood and 3 of them were boys. I climbed trees and played with my Star Wars action figures (and my Barbies too) and ran around with the boys and the other little girl in my neighborhood, but I also played alone a lot. When we moved just before high school, I had to start all over and make new friends (and fortunately made some GREAT ones that are still friends today) and was still quiet. Although, as I recall hearing a few times, I was also the “weird girl” because I wore the “delightful” 80s uniform of obnoxious neon clothes and jewelry. Hey, it was the mid-80s. We only had so much “fashion” to work with y’know! Plus, the city I moved to, while bigger than my original home town, was actually about a year behind the times in terms of cultural stuff, so that was a change for me as well. I remember my 9th grade English teacher told my parents that I was the only student she’d had who flourished at the back of the classroom (I sat in the very back corner seat that was furthest away from the door).

That was me. Quiet. Shy. Quite possibly afraid of my own shadow now that I think of it. Which is kind of funny to think about consider how I dressed in 8th and 9th grade (and probably beyond) which certainly garnered its fair share of attention. Fortunately, not too many photos exist of that time. We’re all probably better off.

I’m not sure when I became an extrovert instead of an introvert. In fact, I still refer to myself as a natural introvert and don’t really acknowledge being extroverted at all. This, mind you, causes anyone who knows me now and hears me say that to stare at me in confusion (I have literally gotten the “What the hell are you talking about?” looks from people) and then say something like “There is NO WAY that YOU are an introvert!” *sigh* Oh, but I am my friends. I so, so totally am.

Not that anyone believes me. I have changed who I am to fit the needs in my particular circumstances. My life now requires that I am more outgoing and I have to admit that I enjoy attention. But only when I want it and seek it out. Which I would say applies to pretty much everyone except the painfully shy and withdrawn. I’ve been told I’m very witty. Funny. Très amusant. I’d throw in charming, but I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten that one so I’ll try to keep it honest. All of that comes, however, from people reading the nonsensical status updates I post on Facebook. Fortunately, they crack up a lot of people and for that I am glad. If someone smiles because they think what I’ve said is worthy of smiling, so much the better and have a nice day to you all.

The trouble is, if I try to be serious, either no one believes me or they aren’t quite sure if I’m being serious or facetious. Sarcastic. April Fools! And that is very frustrating to me. I realize I’ve set that up myself, but really. It’s nice when people do know you well enough to know when you are serious and when you’re being silly.

Back to my original thought – I’ve been finding it funny lately that there are a few people in my life who think they know me and can read me like a book. I think they are basically full of crap. Some of them are projecting their life experiences onto me and think if something was true for them, then it simply must be true for me and how I think or act. Uh…no. Not so much. I especially resent when someone asks me about a situation and I tell them, only to have them smirk or laugh and proceed to tell me how I am going to act in the end or how the situation will resolve itself. Are you kidding me?? Who do you think you are?!? There’s one or two who are about to get the smirks knocked back down their throats that’s for sure.

I guess this is a post mostly about being frustrated. Perhaps at my inability to communicate to people a greater sense of my true self. Or maybe I’m really not sure who that true self is either.

So...what should I be blogging about??

2011-01-20T13:43:00.000-05:00

I'm going to put this up here and over on another blog that I have for some friends (it's private) in the hope that it encourages me to find new things to post about. Most of the time I don't know what to blog about and I have to be inspired to come up with something.

So I'll ask the question - is there anything I should be posting about? Anything any of the 3 people who read this blog want an update on? Any pictures of anything? I'm thinking of starting a vegetable garden this spring if the house hasn't sold, so I can blog about that. A thrill, I am sure. LOL

But I am open to suggestions. I figure maybe I've talked about things in the past and never updated on. Just let me know. Although, it maybe that there isn't anything! LOL And that's ok too. You can comment here or e-mail me at this address.

It's all about me. Except when it's not.

2011-01-17T20:11:00.001-05:00

So.... I'm about halfway through my journey where I am praying about 5 specific things for a year. It's an idea taken from the book Give God a Year, Change Your Life Forever by Carole Lewis, that I read last July. I have seen God moving in my life in small ways, but certainly have not seen any one of these prayers fully answered. I'm ok with that though because it's all a process. I never take things to God with the expectation that He is going to simply fix everything. I know I have to do my share of the work My issue lately is that I'm honestly not sure about what to do about certain things. That is, of course, why I put those 5 things on God's list for the year. I need guidance and direction. I have things in my life that I simply cannot figure out how to deal with or change. And when I feel like God isn't doing anything I am usually reminded that in fact, He is.

This happened to me a couple of times in the past week where someone said to me, "Maybe it's not about you, but it's about someone else." I do not really struggle anymore with wondering when my house will sell so that I can move. I'm kind of zen about the whole thing really. Peaceful. I know it'll happen when it happens. While discussing this with someone they pointed out to me that it might not be about me being ready to pick up and move. The timing might be about whoever is going to buy the house being ready to make that commitment. That was a kind of "well, DUH" moment for me. Because I am so wrapped up in me and my world that I kept forgetting that the timing might have more to do with the buyer than the seller.

On Friday I had a couple of discussions with different and totally unrelated people about some relationships in my life. I'm a believer that people come into and out of our lives for a reason and with a purpose. And being the self-centered and rather narcissistic person that I am, always assume that the person is in my life to have an affect on me, not the other way around. I tend to forget that if someone is in my life, then I am in their life too. I'm always trying to figure out what the life lesson is in whatever is happening to me that it is easy to forget that maybe it's the other person who has the lesson to learn and it's really not all about me.

I was reminded more than once on Friday that maybe, just maybe, some of the relationships I currently have in my life aren't really about me at all. That maybe the other people have something that they need to learn from me. Hmmmm... I still think it's a two-way street in terms of learning from the people in your life, but I can see that maybe crossing paths with someone is really more about them and what they need than about me. And I feel like since I was reminded of that several times the other day that it was God giving me a somewhat subtle nudge to remember that it is, really, not all about me. Except when it is. :o) But it's not always all about me.

Someone I talked to on Friday also gave me some good advice about how to pray in relation to something that's going on in my life right now and I appreciated that greatly. I've been praying that prayer, but I'm not completely sure that it's the right thing. But every time I keep trying to rephrase my thoughts, I seem to be pulled back around to this very simple sentence that was planted in my brain. That's all very confusing to me. I like to be more specific and intentional when I pray and this is a tad too broad for my liking. I guess that's something I'll have to work out as I go along. Fortunately, no matter what I am thinking or desiring, God knows what I need versus what I want. I'm glad one of us has a clue since I don't.

Attitude is Everything

2011-01-11T20:50:00.000-05:00

Or at least it's something...

I was sauntering through the grocery store after church Sunday thinking about how the clothes you wear really do affect your attitude. Whenever I wear all black, I feel like I could just kick ass and take names. All black is for days when I need to feel like a badass. When I run errands in my workout gear, it makes me feel very powerful because when I workout I'm doing something good for my body. When I wear high heels, I feel like I should just strut around a little bit (and I'm pretty sure that I do!)

I do not wear skirts very often anymore except in summer when I throw on a t-shirt dress for church. I wear pants mostly because it's just easier. I'm not a big fan of bare legs in cold weather and panty hose are a pain. Although I do appreciate the joys of the built-in control top let me tell you! But pants are easier. I have also found if I wear something that is a little nicer to work or high heels, then some of the ladies I work with get to chattering. "Where are you going? What are you doing after work? Who are you going to see?" And responses of "Nowhere, nothing and no one." don't seem to fly. Even though they are the truth.

I would not say that I am ever dressed not-nicely for work, but some days it's more casual than dressy. Since I am not required to wear dresses or suits to work, I figure why not wear pants and since I can be somewhat casual, I might as well do that too since it's more comfortable. But every now and then it's nice to dress it up a bit. What amused me Sunday is that I definitely got comments from people who were surprised to see me "so dressed up". And in reality, I wasn't really that dressed up. But obviously a skirt makes a difference. And the heels. Oh, and I had on lipstick too which I rarely ever wear. Less often than the skirts!

As I was walking through the store after church though I did think about how being a little dressier than usual made me have a different attitude. I felt better in some ways. I knew I looked good and I was enjoying that fact, even if no one else was paying much attention to me. Because while it's nice to get a compliment, when I think I look good, I know that I feel good. And that affects my attitude. How I walk. Maybe even how I talk and certainly how I think!

Hmmmm...maybe I should wear that skirt and those shoes more often. Something to consider!

Living with the temptations

2011-01-10T15:03:00.002-05:00

Uh...not the singing group, just temptations in general. I'm home from work today because of snow and ice - and because I live in South Carolina where they cancel everything before even the first flurry falls. Not that I'm complaining about a day at home mind you. I'm all over having a 3-day weekend. I won't even mind so much if it turns into a 4-day weekend since the roads are likely to be nasty tomorrow morning as well. But being at home with time on my hands just makes it a never ending battle to fight the temptations.

I have what feels like approximately 8 million temptations that I deal with daily, but food is perhaps the biggest one. Or at least that's the one I'll own up to publicly. I've got a few others that folks may know about, but I choose not to mention. Nothing particularly interesting or lascivious - just my personal business. But food is, by far, the biggest one. The worst one. The most self-destructive one.

I don't remember a time in my life when food was not an issue. I don't remember a time when I wasn't spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about food. I also don't remember a time when my mother wasn't making my weight an issue. Now, I'm NOT blaming my mother because I'm long since grown and capable of dealing with my own issues myself. But I will say that clearly she had some issues of her own with food and weight. That didn't help me I'm sure.

The temptations are there during the work day when I get bored. Not that I'm bored per se in terms of what I do for my job, but every now and then my mind wanders and I start thinking that I want a snack. I usually try to combat this by drinking more water (I have always been a big water drinker) or I get up and walk up and down the stairs a few times to get some energy flowing. That helps and then in the end, if I'm still truly hungry, I allow myself the snack. Anything from fruit to nuts or a few Hershey's Kisses.

When I'm at home, however, the temptations can be worse. I really think I'm ADD because I can't seem to sit still. Even when I'm writing this blog post I'm checking e-mails and reading some other blogs and deleting old "Notes" on Facebook. I can't seem to focus on one thing. And in the back of my mind I'm wondering when I can eat again and what I can eat. Maybe it's because I'm currently in a process of self-denial and not allowing myself to just jump and eat an unhealthy snack and I'm craving cookies today. But it really does drive me insane, this constant craving.

I think it ties in with other parts of my life as well because I have some temptations that seem connected. Or maybe I'm creating the connections in my own mind. This post really wasn't intended to be all about my food issues. I think every overweight person has food issues. What I may want to explore more is these connections I think some of my temptations/addictions have.

Regardless, I'm fighting some battles right now and hoping to win. It's not even one day at a time anymore. It's one hour at a time. Sometimes it's just one moment at a time (no, not the Whitney Houston Olympic anthem). Fight fight fight. Guess I'll finally see how much fight I really do have in me.

The Biggest Loser or just A Big Loser?

2011-01-06T20:44:00.001-05:00

I never watch the show "The Biggest Loser" but I am watching this new season because a co-worker and his wife - Q and Larialmy Allen - are contestants and I have to cheer on the red team! Last fall, when they were off at the ranch filming the show, our office did a Biggest Loser challenge. I think I was motivated for, like, a week or two and then just lost all motivation. Mind you, my entire life is a story in needing or wanting to lose weight. The only time I was at a good weight and looked good was high school and even then I thought I was fat. It's a vicious cycle.

So this week starts another challenge and I weighed in and paid up today. Now I have to find my motivation. A co-worker gave me a very interesting...uh, creative?... uh, unrepeatable suggestion on something to use as motivation. Fortunately she came back today and said she didn't meant it literally. And that's all I'm sayin' on that subject. *sigh* But I have to find some motivation. I have a few thoughts, a few ideas running around in my head, but I have to zero in on something that will work. You'd think winning the money would be good motivation all by itself since I do enjoy my cold hard cash.

Oh great Motivation Fairy please sprinkle some pixie dust my way would ya? Otherwise I'm going to have to dive head first into a vat of Hershey's Kisses and let's face it, that's not going to end well for anyone.

The Magic of Power Panties

2011-01-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

If there is one thing I'm not, it's a Victoria's Secret kind of girl. They just don't make things in my size. Or maybe now they do, but I have only ever been in there once in my life and have no great desire to ever go in again. Mostly because I am all about underwear that is comfortable and nothing in that store strikes me as particularly comfortable.

Regardless, not too long ago I had to go on the hunt for some new underwear. Not my favorite thing as I know what I do want as much as I know what I don't. Mostly I was trying to find new bras, but ultimately I wanted some new undies as well. For some reason this time around I picked up some "hipsters" which is totally not something I would ever consider. I mean, I have hips. Therefore, something called "hipsters" that are designed to ride low and sit on the aforementioned hips are not quite what I look for. However... I gotta say that I'm loving these things! I only have 3 pairs, but they are pretty awesome. They fit better than I would have expected and I just feel really good when I wear them.

The first day I wore a pair I was prompted to post a status update on Facebook that went something like, "Never underestimate the power of cute underwear and a low cut blouse to make the average Monday a lot more interesting." Now mind you, to the best of my knowledge no one but me knew I had on cute underwear or cared how low or high cut my blouse was. Which is really the point because it's all about me and how I feel and whether what I am wearing - be it under or outer wear - makes me feel good about myself.

On Thanksgiving I learned from my teenage niece that cute underwear is, in fact, called Power Panties. Oh, out of the mouths of babes! Power Panties!! I love it!! And I really, really love my Power Panties. Especially the pair that is bright, bright aqua blue. Those are my favorite. :o)

The particular hipsters I purchased are Hanes Her Way and come in different colors and made of this really cool microfiber (I can't stand cotton underwear). Go grab some of these. They are great and if they make them in my size, then they make them in yours. All hail the power of cute underwear!

A little New Year's Eve blog post redux

2010-12-31T13:06:00.001-05:00

I was pondering a New Year's post and came across this post from January 1, 2010. I like it so much, I'm going to re-post it!

Blond Ambition: This is as close as I come to making New Year's Re...: "I hope you all had a nice New Year's Eve, for those so inclined to engage in all the festivities. I have never been a fan of this particula..."

Sometimes life is like a John Hughes movie

2010-12-20T13:33:00.003-05:00

I spent some time (much too little time, by the way) with some of my best friends this weekend. We go back to high school, though some of us haven’t become that close really until the past few years. Regardless, we all knew each other “when”. “When” our clothes were questionable, “when” some of our hair defied the laws of gravity, and “when” making stupid choices about which boys you dated was par for the course. Every time we are together I learn something new about who dated whom back in the day. What an incestuous little group we had! Yowza!

A few of us were able to get together to surprise my friend Renee in honor of her 40th birthday. She’s the one leading the charge into our 40s and over the next year we have to figure out how in the heck to surprise any of the rest of us. I strongly suggested finding a way to get me a personal meeting with David Bryan, which isn’t as far of a stretch as you might think since a guy from high school with whom Renee is still really good friends is in the musical Memphis on Broadway. Written, of course, by my beloved Dave. So I’ve got those 2 or 3 degrees of separation, but I’m not sure my heart could take it if I met him. I’d scream like a tweenage girl does over Justin Beiber. And that’s scary. But if that DOES happen, ladies, please remember to get it all on video because I’m sure it would be a sight to behold if I ever managed to regain my composure and stop babbling like an idiot.

Anyway, while we were all chatting in Renee’s kitchen, she was relaying to another friend of hers who had joined in the fun about what happened to me last week, when I got an apology from the boy who broke my heart back in high school. She was telling her friend that it was like something out of a movie; not something that happens in real life. And she said that she wishes SHE could get an apology from her guy who fits that description from high school.

That got me to thinking that in many ways Renee was right. It was something that you think only happens in a John Hughes 80s teen movie where the boy realizes he was a jackass and goes after the girl, if only to tell her that he’s sorry. Cue some song by OMD or Spandau Ballet, throw in Molly Ringwald and you’ve got yourself a hit!

As a John Hughes junkie, I like the thought of having my own personal JH moment. And then, I realized in an embarrassment of riches, I actually had another one of those moments because my prom date was really my Jake Ryan. My date to the junior prom was the boy that all the girls were swooning over that year. Just such a cutie patootie in addition to being smart and ridiculously nice. In fact, he still is. I’m currently awaiting the arrival of their annual family Christmas card with pictures of “Jake” and his wife and kids. It’s always too frickin’ cute and I am always happy when it arrives. (ETA: The card arrive today! Sweet!)

But yeah, “Jake” (who if you know me personally you totally know this guy’s real name, BUT DON’T USE IT FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD ) was my big crush back in high school so getting asked to Prom by him was quite the teenage coup. Plus, my dress was fab and we both looked great. I still have the dress, though I’m not sure what I will ever do with it. I just can’t bear to part with it.

It seems truly like an embarrassment of riches to have gotten my date with my “Jake” AND to have gotten that 23-years-overdue apology. If you follow a John Hughes train of thought, I guess the apology game from my John Bender – the rebel with bigger problems than anyone realized who most likely did drive my parents nuts in the brief time we dated, just like Bender thought he’d be great for Claire to use to make HER parents nuts.

I guess now I need to find the Keith to go with my Watts (“Some Kind of Wonderful” for those not up on the JH universe) and make him realize that he really doesn’t want Amanda Jones. That girls with the short blond hair are just way, way cooler and look great wearing his future.

A conversation with the guy who screwed me up

2010-12-15T21:34:00.003-05:00

How's that for a great title for a blog post, eh? It makes me laugh to read it, but yet it's true. Read on my friends. Read on. (And as a disclaimer, should someone be reading this who knows who this person is, do NOT name names or anything remotely identifying. I'm trying to blog, not "out" someone who is no longer an asshole. Thanks.)

Once upon a time, I was just your average teenage girl. I really was. I was in love with the guys in Duran Duran and had seriously questionable taste in clothes. It was, after all, the 80s. And then...I met this guy. We'll call him "Bob" since, y'know, that's totally not his name.

I met Bob on my 15th birthday and was smitten. Probably because he was the bad boy/rebel and what sweet, innocent (stupid) girl doesn't go for that, right? Right. He was my first date, first kiss. I'd never call him a "boyfriend" though because we barely dated. Maybe 6 or 7 times. Then we ended up having some weird, dysfunctional...something...going on about a year or so later where we were some strange version of friends. Anyway, I've blocked a lot of it out for various reasons. But I'll wrap that part of the story up by saying he was bad news. He was arrested repeatedly for God knows what. My parents had long since forbidden me to date him. Just bad, bad news.

This is the guy who screwed me up. Just screwed. me. up. If I went into deep analysis I could say that this screw up colored how I have related to men ever since, but let's not do that. I know it deep down. And perhaps now things have come full circle. And maybe I'll get unscrewed (in a good way, mind you). Read on please. I promise it's worth it.

I have known for a while that Bob was back in our hometown for a few years now, but our paths have had no reason to cross until Tuesday. I won't get into specifics, but will simply say we had reason to be occupying the same space at the same time. I, however, was not going to make any attempts at communication. Bob, it seems, had other ideas.

Now let me say that I forgave Bob years ago for being an asshole back in high school. But I still wondered how I would feel if we ever ran into each other. I quickly found out that I would feel good. Very good. Bob approached me and we ended up talking for probably close to 45 minutes. It should have been really strange, but it wasn’t. Or maybe it SHOULDN’T have been really strange because it was 23 or so years ago that I knew him. Life goes on and if you can’t go on with it and let things go, then what are you doing to yourself?

Anyway, we had the usual, “hi, how are you? I’m fine blah blah blah” conversation and then he was telling me about how his life is now – he’s married with kids and now has a good relationship with his parents. That all seemed to really baffle Bob. I think he can’t believe he made it out of his teenage years alive and he’s probably not wrong! He even made jokes about being arrested repeatedly in high school and how he behaved. It was really a fascinating conversation. He seemed so baffled at times at how his life is now, that at one point I looked at him and said, “I hate to tell you this, but I think you’ve become an adult!”

We were a ways into our chat when he apologized to me for being an asshole back in high school. It was really out of the blue, but we had talked a lot about how he has changed and turned his life around. Got his degree and graduated summa cum laude, though he was sorry it took him 10 years longer than it should to do it. He was wondering how different his life could have been if he’d been a different person in high school. But in the end he said that he did not care about how he treated most of the people he knew back then, but that I had always been so sweet and he felt bad about how he treated me. I told him the truth, which was that I had hated him for a while, but that I had forgiven him a long time ago. I think he needed to tell me that and to know that he had been forgiven. And I guess I needed the apology and to give the forgiveness too.

It was all very, very cool. Honestly, it was like talking to an old friend that you haven’t seen in a while and now they are in front of you and you are having this honest conversation about how things used to be and how they are now. By the end of it I was nearly ready to reach out and hug him. It was freaky.

Bob told me that even living in the tiny speck that is our town, he never runs into people from high school. I think that suits him fine, but surprises him as well. His wife knows all about who he was before they met, but I think talking to someone who knew him back then was different and enjoyable for him. He told me that he’d talked more to me than he does to anyone except his wife. Maybe it was all therapeutic for him.

After a few more exchanges, we said goodbye and I walked away. Smiling.

As I think about it, we talked about so many things. It really was like talking to an old friend, but at the same time you know that you’re not. I did tell him that I was so glad we’d talked and that it was probably the highlight of my day and I meant it. I mean, how often do you get an apology like that? It wasn’t what he said, but that he bothered to say it. And obviously it’s something that has crossed his mind at least once or twice over the years. We are certainly NOT going to become friends, God no, but if our paths cross again, I’ll be able to smile genuinely and be glad to see him.

There is so much more I'd love to say on this subject, but it's hard to do it without including specific details and while I wanted to tell this story, I don't want to "out" who this person is or all of our personal business. But I feel like something has come full circle now. I now have this memory of our conversation so when I think of his man, I will smile. And maybe when I think of that boy, I'll smile too. And maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to become unscrewed. I sure hope so. I have a lot of issues and a lot of them started with Bob. Maybe they can end with Bob in some ways too.

Push... Shove... Smack!!

2010-12-13T20:59:00.001-05:00

I'm a pusher. I like to push the envelope. Push people. Push the boundaries of good taste. I'm not some great rebellious hell raiser mind you, but I tend to push or poke until it drives people crazy. Myself included.

I push at God a lot too. Lately I've been warring with a lot of things in my head and keep wanting to push against what God is telling me not to do. Or even TO do. I want to go my own way and even though I'm praying about something, I still have this desperate need to push against whatever answer God is giving me.

I am just so frustrated with life right now. I feel like I'm standing on a sidewalk and I keep turning in all directions, fixing to run one way and then the next and I just stand there shaking my head and pulling my hair because I can't figure out which way to go. Any direction is the wrong direction, but I have to go one way or the other or I'll never find the right way.

But hey, at least I've got some cute new underwear. Cute underwear frequently improves the quality of my day. That, some high heels and an appropriately low cut blouse can really make your Monday a better place to be. Although I also highly recommend putting on the rest of your clothes too or you're likely to be arrested for indecent exposure or at least laughed at a lot.

Biscotti recipe

2010-12-06T13:52:00.000-05:00

The diabetes educator at my office makes this fabulous biscotti every Christmas and gives out big tins of it. *sigh* It's soooo good! I got the recipe from her today so I can try my hand at making some this year. But until then, here's the recipe for anyone interested in trying something new. Or different, if you already make biscotti.

STALLWORTH’s Biscotti

Ingredients:
¾ to 1 cup toasted almonds (Toast with 2 tbsp. butter at 350 degrees)
1 cup plain flour
1 cup cake flour
1/1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
¼ tsp baking soda
2 large eggs
1 tsp. vanilla Extract
1 tsp. almond extract
2 tbsp butter

Toast almonds. Blend together flours, sugar, baking powder and baking soda. Add eggs and mix. Add 2 tbsp butter (melted), vanilla and almond extract.

Add almonds and mix. Roll mixture into 2 “logs” and into plastic wrap. Refrigerate for at least an hour. Roll logs in powdered sugar before baking. Bake on non-stick baking sheets at 300 degrees for about 45 mins. Cool. Slice logs and put slices back on non-stick cookie sheets for about 30 mins.

Mystery Man

2010-12-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

It was a hot July morning in Dubai – is there any other kind? – and I found myself at the airport, getting ready for a flight back to the US. I moved to Dubai in mid-February 2001 to work at Zayed University. Six months later and very, very homesick, I was heading home for 2 weeks to see family and friends and just revel in being back in the United States for a while.

I had purchased my tickets through a local travel agency and was all set to go on one of the first direct flights that Delta Airlines had going in and out of Dubai International Airport. Alas, not being a seasoned traveler, I did not check behind my travel agent and when I got to the counter to check in around 4am, the ticket agent told me I had not been confirmed for the flight and would have to wait until 6am after they called everyone for boarding to see if I could get on the flight.

Needless to say, anyone who knows me knows I began to panic at this point. I think I managed not to cry, but I was clearly not happy. At some point, perhaps sensing my distress, a fellow traveler approached me to ask what was going on. I remember having seen him in the check in area along with another man dressed in the traditional Middle Eastern dishdasha, but he was dressed in jeans and a sweater. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He never offered solutions as I recall, but simply offered support and his conviction that everything would work out and I would be able to get on the plane.

I don’t recall that we spoke much more, but when it came time for boarding, he looked at me and said, “I’ll see you at the gate.”

After everyone else had checked in, I was finally able to be confirmed for the flight – which was only 1/3 full to begin with, so I still do not understand why it was necessary to put me through 2 hours of torture waiting to find out if I was going to get on the flight. I made my way to the boarding waiting area and he smiled when he saw me and said, “I told you it would work out.”

We boarded and with such a small number of passengers everyone had a great amount of space to themselves in the seating areas. The flight did make a stop in Cairo to clean up the plane and change crews and everyone had to deplane for 45 minutes. I sat in the waiting area of the Cairo airport with this Mystery Man – we never exchanged names – and a woman from Dubai who was traveling to Disney World. We all chatted about things I can’t remember nearly 10 years later. I only remember the woman’s final destination and that my Mystery Man was Canadian and originally from Kashmir and worked for a Canadian bank in Dubai. I wish I could remember more about what the 3 of us talked about because we enjoyed each other’s company so much.

Then it was time to reboard the plane and head for JFK Airport in New York. It was also at this point that I made one of the dumbest decisions of my life. When my new nameless friend suggested we sit together, I declined. I have NO IDEA why. I think my intent was to move around the cabin later and go back to talk to him as I think he wasn’t sitting too horribly far from me. But in truth, all these years later I can’t remember exactly what he said or what I said or anything except that we did not sit together. I knew that we were also on the same connecting flight to Atlanta from JFK, but after meeting my friend Diana at the airport for a brief chat I never saw the Mystery Man again.

This story, however, is not about me not spending more time talking to this man. I regret that and always have, but that’s water under the bridge. What I have not forgotten, however, is the kindness of this stranger. When I most needed encouragement, he was there with it. Not spouting platitudes or clichés, but simply saying, “I’ll see you at the gate.”

From time to time I wonder what has become of the Mystery Man. I have a very vague recollection of what he looked like, but I would not know him if I ran into him on the street. I am sorry that I never had the chance to tell him how much I appreciated him that morning. How much even almost 10 years later that it still means to me that he was kind to me. When I think of him now and then, I send up a quick little prayer for his well-being and ask God to please let him know that I’m grateful.

While we have people in our lives that are constants, we have the transients as well. Folks who come into and go out of our lives for a reason and a season. When I thought of the Mystery Man this morning, I was struck for the first time by how easy it is to impact someone’s life in such a short time. I will never forget this man. Never. I only hope that from time to time he remembers the American woman from the airport, but it doesn’t matter if he does or not. I will remember him and maybe, at least every now and then, I will return the favor by being kind to someone else as a way of thanking this man without truly being able to thank him.

Everything we do, everything we say, it all matters. No matter how insignificant we think it might be, it matters. To someone.

Overdue update

2010-11-28T19:20:00.000-05:00

I have just realized that I haven't updated in over a week. I was on such a roll for a while with updates and now I feel very unmotivated to blog. I have a lot of things running through my head, but nothing I really want to share with the masses who might be reading or stumble over my blog. I can still feel God working in my life and things are moving along in the 5 areas I'm praying about, but not necessarily moving in ways that make great sense if you are on the outside looking in. I've learned a big life lesson recently and while it wasn't my idea of a good time per se, it was something that needed to be done. A lesson I needed to learn so I can move forward. I can't regret that, even if it was less than fun while it was happening.

I'm still waiting for my house to sell and not really thinking it ever will. I remind myself that God has clearly told me that it will not be that easy or the house would have sold already and I would have moved closer to work. I would just like the other shoe to drop so I could know what I'm dealing with. But that's obviously now how things are going to go either and that's ok. I'm pretty amazingly peaceful with the situation for the most part and I'm trying to reclaim my life. I've started doing work again with the community theatre which is something I desperately need in my life. That is really my only social outlet and when it was taken away from me - even though I am the one who took it away - it made me feel very isolated. While it will require me to lose more sleep time and prevent me from possibly eating dinner for the next 2 weeks (which could be a very positive thing in some respects), it will be worth it to make myself feel alive again. I like my job, but work cannot be the sole focus of life or you'll just lose your mind.

Hmmm...so many thoughts running in my brain that aren't quite fit for publication. Which is odd considering how I tend to have no problem sharing the most random information with the world. I guess you have to know what to share and what to keep to yourself. Maybe that's another great life lesson I'm learning now as well.

Things I’ve Noticed Recently

2010-11-17T19:09:00.001-05:00

If you dress too nicely to go to work, the women in your office will immediately decide there is a reason. First and foremost, you must have a date or someone you are trying to impress. It can’t just be because 1) those clothes were clean, 2) that’s your favorite shirt and 3) sometimes you like to wear the sparkly earrings. *sigh*

On the day after you dress too nicely, if you dress more casually then obviously you really DID have a hot date the night before, hence dressing too nicely the previous day. *double sigh*

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. And sometimes the Lord just looks at you and goes, “Get real!”

Not everyone appreciates the fact that sometimes when Sammy Hagar sings, I hear God sending me messages. I mean, it’s not like my fillings are picking up radio frequencies or something! And, for the record, I do not have fillings because I do not have cavities. I am also not scared of the dentist, except the one in “Little Shop of Horrors”.

Oh man, there are so many more things I’d say in public if only it was socially acceptable.

I need to wear black pants and high heels every day for the rest of my life because apparently they make me look really freakin’ fabulous. I’m just sayin’…

I am easily swayed when someone tells me I look really freakin’ fabulous…

I have a real problem with eating Cheez-Its and calling that “breakfast”.

Candy corn is a vegetable, right?

Big Brother is watching me and I think Big Brother might need to get a new hobby.

Also anyone lurking in my bushes in the back yard – or front, for that matter - should get a new hobby too.

I am taking way too much time off in December to 1) have no place to actually GO and 2) it makes me want to buy gallons of paint and paint the brick in my laundry room. I’m dangerous when I have a project.

I like having a project.

I AM a project.

I am a SCIENCE project. Gone wrong, clearly.

I could tell you the last…oh wait, I was going to make a statement and then realized it was totally false. Reboot!

I may never get “Fergalicious”, but I am so totally “dorkalicious”. I rock that one baby!

Do people still say that things “rock”?

I want a pet rock for Christmas. Someone hook me up!

Hey! “Hook Me Up” is a Bon Jovi song!

I love Bon Jovi!! Did you know that?

I wonder if Bon Jovi know that I love them? Maybe I should tell them. Or is that stalking?

I feel like a total stalker on Facebook now when the little thing on the side pulls up with someone’s pictures and Facebook is basically beckoning you to check them out. And really, how many times do I need to look at pictures of your dog or your profile pictures? I dread to think of what pics of MINE are popping up on someone’s home page. Makes me want to delete all my photos.

Adult Truths

2010-11-08T12:36:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my friends Jean and Dee for forwarding this to me. Well, technically it was just Jean because Dee didn't have my e-mail address, but it was the thought that counted (when she asked someone to send it my way)!

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.